A Profound Commentary on Racism in America, or Something

Whether we know it or not, keeping animals really is a form of slavery.

I know, I know, you love your cats, and your cats love you, and they snuggle with you in bed as you go to sleep at night.

But ask yourself this: Does that make it any less a form of slavery?

I mean, think about it. Way back in the olden days, when men were men and women were beaten, I’m sure many slaves snuggled with their masters. I mean, we already know Thomas Jefferson snuggled with his slaves. Think of the implications! Clearly black people screwing with white people is exactly the same as cats snuggling with you.

And animal slavery is predicated on the exact same excuse as black people slavery was. People said the blacks were better off as slaves. They said black people were less capable and less smart than white people.

And what do we say about animals today? That they’re less capable and less smart than people. White people. We have the black people drive our buses and fold our laundry. See? That’s racism.

And, of course, we have black people take our animals. Brings ’em closer to what they once were: You know, slaves. It has nothing to do with the fact that rich white people don’t want to give up the power and influence they’ve kept from blacks for generations.

I’ll give you an example that I think perfectly illustrates what I’m talking about. Recently my family got into the cat-catching business. They were stalking around our yard, eating and fucking and eating and fucking some more, and we decided enough was enough, and decided to catch them. Now, white cats and white people are exactly the same. It’s true, white cats are just as smart as white people, if not smarter. Same with black cats and black people. Which means that black people are an omen of bad luck if they cross your path. And white cats are boring Protestants who like to play golf and tennis and work way too hard.

And let’s not even get started on brown cats and yellow cats, except that the former like fish tacos and the latter like sushi. Try it. I guarantee if you put out sushi yellow cats will come and if you put out fish tacos brown cats will. You think I’m crazy. Try it. Color-based stereotypes work regardless of age, gender, or species.

Now, white cats and black cats and yellow cats and brown cats are all equally smart. I think we all agree with this. Fur color has nothing to do with anything, most cats are really about the same thought-wise and you can find an equal amount of stupid white cats as stupid black cats. Fur is very similar to skin, in that both serve only to protect the body. But skin color is naturally important, whereas fur color is not. According to some people, anyway. Some people think that hair color is important, but fur color is not. But fur and hair are exactly the same. It’s just that hair is something humans have whereas animals have fur. All animals are inferior to humans. Therefore it doesn’t matter what color their fur is. They all just suck equally.

Except for dolphins, which have no hair and are the smartest. According to racial logic, that means bald humans are the smartest.

Anyway, the cats all got into the cage except for the white kittens. I don’t know why. I think it’s because they were kittens and couldn’t find food for themselves. Hitler would argue that their proud Aryan blood would be corrupted if they ate mongrel food, such as you find in a cage. He would check to see if they had blue eyes and blond fur and would argue that these traits will determine whether these white cats make up the master cat race. Nathan Forrest would argue that the white cats should dress up as ghosts of Confederate cats and place burning crosses in front of black cats’ houses.

I’m still trying to find the kittens, because I’m scared for them. They can’t live on their own. They’re fucking kittens, duh. But they are fascinating creatures, aren’t they?

One of these days aliens are going to come to earth. Picture them in your mind’s eye. They’re green things, looking sort of like Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama only green and with tentacles instead of claw hands.

Now, pretend it’s the year 2012, and the Mayans were right and all the dates were correct and the clock is resetting and therefore the aliens who know of us (a race known as Zorbonians) are coming back to get us. They helped build the Pyramids, and they’re coming back to collect. OK?

Now, unlike us humans, the aliens had a different set of traits. Their planet was differently designed. OK? Picture this. They are exactly the same as us intellectually, except for a few things.

They have far more diseases than we do. They have an alien disease that causes boils to form on the sufferer. The victim dies of excruciating pain quickly. But the aliens have developed genetic immunities to this disease.

In addition, their planet, Zorbon, was differently aligned. Our planets’ continents are arranged more North-South. There’s a huge ocean between the eastern and western hemispheres on our planet, where instead of having one solid cluster of continents we have two big huge ones in the Western hemisphere, one in the southeast, one sort of in the middle of all of these and one big horizontal one, and the latter is the one where most civilization started, mostly in the middle.

Whereas the aliens’ planet has one big solid cluster of continents, like Pangaea, only very much centered near the Equator of the planet. This makes it far easier for the aliens to move crops from one region to another, because most of the middle of this continent is all of about the same temperature, and therefore they don’t have to worry about planting corn in the different temperatures of Mexico and Wisconsin or whatever. Their primary crops encompass cereals, leafy greens, legumes, and starches even from the outset of the creation of their civilization, and therefore most of these regions have peoples with good nutrition. Because of their extraordinarily good luck, they are able to develop without any sort of malnutrition.

Because they didn’t have to worry as much about starving to death, they were able to find other ways to kill themselves. They developed bows and arrows extraordinarily quickly, and then moved immediately to guns and cannons, and then nuclear weapons, and then ray guns. In half the time it took us to develop atomic weapons, these aliens developed weapons capable of destroying entire planets.

Got that? So they’ve got deadly diseases that other species can contract, and the continental architecture of their planet is far superior to our own. They got Le Corbusier to design their planet, whereas we got Chucklesworth Bumblefuck, M.A.. And because of that they were able to advance technologically at a far greater pace then we could ever dream of.

There’s more, which basically boils down to that because of their greater technological capacity they were able to advance through the Bronze Age and Iron Age, through the Bessemer Process (in which iron is converted to steel, known on their planet as the Klagmar Process) and finally into the Titanium Age and the Brontonium Age. Brontonium is a metal created when nuclear materials are combined with titanium to form an incredibly strong metal, so hard it can withstand temperatures higher than any ever seen by Man. We haven’t discovered it yet. Fuck you, scientists. You haven’t even found brontonium yet. You should.

Anyway, they decide that they’re bored with their planet. You would, too. Once you’ve explored everything on your planet, you get kind of sick of it. Like with your wife. You get sick of it. You’ve explored her entire body, including orifices neither you nor her knew she had. So now you want to explore other women. I have no idea why she hasn’t left your sorry ass yet. We all know she should. You asshole.

Tiger Woods, I’m looking at you. Anyway…

We’ve explored other planets, but nothing like the Zorbonians. We’ve only got to some heavy petting with probes. We still mostly stay on our planet, occasionally touching her moon. But the Zorbonians have explored orifices on other planets, colonizing, touching them with their tentacles and pleasuring them with their weird tentacle mouth things, like Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama only green.

And so the Zorbonians decide that they want to fuck with some new planets. Now, we’re fucked. Our planet got hit with a meteor, jamming most of our communications n’ shit. The Zorbonians are fast, and they basically bend space-time around itself and get to our planet in time for tea.

They realize we’re good candidates for slaves. We’re clearly inferior, because our technology and civilization is “inferior”. It had nothing to do with extraneous details we had no control over. We’re just “inferior.” Which therefore means they’re doing us a favor by forcing us to do their work.

So they put us in mines and on the fields, working for them. They take away our right to an education, and when we can’t read they say it’s because our brains aren’t as well-developed as theirs are. They take our men back to their planet to work on the fields for them, resulting in a shortage of men on Earth forcing those left to create harems with multiple women in a desperate attempt to keep population numbers stable. This is hindered by the aliens’ diseases, which kill 98% of the human population on Earth within the space of about ten years.

So, by 2022 our population is down to around a hundred and forty million people, from a high of about seven billion. Most are worked to death, because they are “inferior” to their alien overlords and therefore their lives do not matter. They worship different gods, they look different, therefore they are not as good. And that gives the aliens the right to work us to death.

You think that makes no sense. First off, you may be getting sick of this long-winded article, and that’s OK. Secondly, you don’t see what that has to do with racism. It has everything to do with racism.

Black people and native Americans were later to develop technology because they didn’t have good crops and lived on continents that were warm in the middle and cold near the extremes. They couldn’t move quickly, because they could only move places that their crops could grow.

Because it was harder for them to farm, it took them more time and effort to survive, and therefore longer to develop technologies.

And because the native Americans came to America during the Ice Age, most of the diseases they carried died out by the time they made it to America.

Then whites came about and said they were superior to the others, when in reality it was the Eurasian continent that was superior to the Americas and Africa. The white people that lived on it were diseased vermin that didn’t bathe and were imperialistic fucks. And like any kind of vermin, they refuse to go away.

For those of you that still believe in the superiority of the sickening white menace, I would like to urge you to read a fucking book or, as a better solution, move from the South entirely. I know not all Southerners are sickening, but I feel it necessary to be a closed-minded bigot because I’m white.

But seriously, even if whites not enslaved all the black men, left the remainder in Africa to fend for themselves, killed everybody in the Americas, killed everybody in Australia, split China into spheres of influence, forced their philosophies on life on everybody in the known world, used all the world’s resources and then torn up the entire Arabian region and rebuilt it according to which group of white people owned which small portion of desert land, surely even then the world would still be a fucked-up hellhole of racist ignorant assholes who hate each other and want to blow each other up with bombs.

…Right?

Advertisements

Post by Mike the Canadian Doctor: H1N1: Kicking the Swine Flu Habit

Hello everyone, eh? How’s it been going for you, eh? Well, for me it’s been going splendidly. I haven’t gotten none o’ dat Swine Flu we keep on hearing about in the news, and I’ve gotten some more patients, too! Apparently this swine flu thing is becoming a big deal for a bunch of people; some people are getting so scared they’re jumping off buildings to attempt to escape the flu. Others have attempted to set themselves afire.

Now, hosers, I’m gonna tell you da truth, and you listen good and clear: Killing yourself isn’t going to prevent the flu. The flu can strike even in death. Just recently the Grim Reaper got the swine flu. Then he died. Try n’ figure that out for yerself!

Here’s a little Q&A with ol’ Doctor Mike:

Q: Did Swine flu really come from people having sex with pigs?

A: Yes and no. The initial transmission of swine flu came when a farmer in Newfoundland made love to his prized porker Mary Belle. H1N1 was initially referred to by most Canadians as “the Newfoundland disease” because hey, you know, Newfies.

Q: What would happen if more man-pig transmissions occurred?

A: They would each be named using the HxNx nomenclature, except for each new case x would increase by one. For example, the second man-pig transmission would be referred to as H2N2, the third would be referred to as H3N3, and so on.

Q: What would happen if x reached over one-hundred?

A: Earth would get nuked from orbit. Come on people, we need to stop having sex with pigs!

Q: How can I keep from getting swine flu?

A: You can’t, there is no hope for you. If you die, it will follow you to the grave. If you trek to the farthest reaches of the Arctic tundra, the natives will have swine flu. If you go down to South America, earwigs will eat out your brains.

Q: Is there anything I can do to reduce the risk to myself and others?

A: Stay home for the rest of the year. Don’t try to go to work, there’s a chance you might give it to your coworkers.

Q: I don’t have it, though.

A: Yes you do. Everybody has the swine flu. The people with symptoms will just die sooner.

OK, that’s it for Doctor Mike’s Q&A. Now here’s a bulleted list.

Kicking the Swine Flu Habit

  • The habit is getting the swine flu.
  • Read Doctor Mike’s Q&A above. If you have forgotten what it says, read it again, several times if necessary.
  • Wear those silly looking face masks everywhere, and make sure to look really irritated and nervous when somebody coughs nearby.
  • Always make sure to notify passers-by how much Swine Flu scares you. This could keep them far enough away from you that they couldn’t spread their germs. Or they might cough on you out of spite. I don’t know.
  • If you live in Canada, remember that it is cold. This can either increase your risk of contracting the swine flu, or reduce it. The best way for Canadians to reduce their risk of contracting the swine flu is to live in an old shack in the middle of the uninhabited Arctic tundra, hundreds of miles away from all human life, living only on bear meat and the occasional stray caribou. Make sure that you don’t make love to the bears. If you think swine flu is bad, just wait till you get bear flu.
  • If you live in the United States, I don’t have any sympathy for you. You ungrateful swine get President Obama, where we’re stuck with Stephen Harper? And you don’t like him? If only we had black people in Canada.

Attention Moviegoers: Roger Ebert is Trolling You.

Ask yourself this: If you were a 66 (going on 67) year-old movie critic who’d underwent a tracheotomy, four surgeries to remove cancerous tumors in your salivary and thyroid glands and jaw bone, required further surgery to reconstruct your jaw, and yet still had a group of salivating sychophants hanging on your every word, what would you do?

I think you’d do what I’d do, and what Roger Ebert has been doing for awhile now: say “FUCK OFF, ASSHOLES! WHAT, HAVE MY THIRTY YEARS OF ENLIGHTENING MOVIE CRITIQUES NOT BEEN ENOUGH FOR YOUR SELFISH ASSES!? I’M ABOUT TO DIE! PISS OFF!”

Sure he doesn’t say it like that, but he’d might as well. He thumbed down Star Trek – a movie which 92% of movie critics agreed was good, meanwhile thumbing up Paul Blartt, Mall Cop (which, in case you couldn’t have guessed, is considered one of the worst movies out this year).

But here’s the thing: he’s subtle. He thumbed down Queen Piece-Of-Shit “He’s Just Not That Into You“, while thumbing up good movies like WALL-E because let’s be honest, nobody hates WALL-E. If he’d thumbed down WALL-E obvious troll would be obvious. And we can’t have that.

I never watched Ebert at his “prime”, but right now I’m sure enjoying watching the old fart prove that his fanboys really and truly can’t distinguish a good movie from a bad one without having Ebert give his OK. It’s like people that read John Solomon and say “OMG NOW I CAN’T LIKE MY FAVORITE COMICS ANYMORE!!!” As if critics are the be-all and end-all of everything. Bullshit. If you like it you like it. Hell, I like some of the worst webcomics and movies out there. Because they suck.

It can be just as entertaining to watch a shit movie to watch the director and all his actors stumble all over themselves like retarded monkeys trying to act. Give me some of that shit, it’s hilarious. Let me laugh at Tim Buckley try to talk his stupid ass out of a botched miscarriage strip. Let me read as David Hopkins writes another goofy-assed horror movie fanfic where his deformed furries get raped by demons. Let me laugh at Keanu Reeves pretending to be a super spy. Let me watch Robin Williams try to be a dramatic actor by dressing up in a clown suit and trying to get children to laugh in a cancer ward. Fuck quality acting! That’s some good shit!

Roger Ebert is doing an awesome trolling job. Don’t stop telling him he’s crazy, fans! He might stop.

The Smells of Life

Humans are very weird about smells. Everything about people is designed to smell. And yet humans want to remove their smells from their bodies, to avoid offending others.

Nobody except a person who smells wants to smell a smelly person’s smell. Except their own smells. When you’re first born up to about age five, you only have to smell your own smells, unless your parents are particularly smelly. Then you have to smell your parents’ smells too. You’re usually OK with your own smell. Not so much with your parents’. They go above the limit. The smell limit should not be passed, of course.

Then you smell your classroom on your first day of school. Say it’s kindergarten, or preschool. And you smell the room, and it smells terrible. Now, you figure that your smells smell pretty good, so you decide to let a big one rip. But it doesn’t make it smell any better. In fact, it smells worse. You’ve added another terrible smell to these terrible smells. It’s like a gas chamber. You’re afraid you’re going to die. Death by smell.

This is your first inkling that your smells might not smell so nice. And now the girls say you stink too. But, you don’t want to take a shower. That’s too much to ask, even for a girlfriend. So you try to control the smells. You use all kinds of deodorant, spraying it everywhere it can be sprayed on your body, including unmentionable orifices. You spray it hoping it can mask the fact that you haven’t bathed in three weeks. Unfortunately, you haven’t yet learned that body spray deodorant mixed with three-week old body odor smells like body spray deodorant mixed with three-week old body odor. It’s a smell from hell. You smell like hell. And somehow the girls still don’t like you.

This is your first inkling that corporate America might be lying to you. After all, the AXE body spray commercials clearly show men with women crowding around them in packs after spraying just a little bit of the stuff on their necks, as if it’s some kind of irresistable miracle fluid. Clearly a lie. So you become a hippie, and begin to go to events like Burning Man to get back at The Man. Your smell gets worse. And all the women that are now interested in you smell like patchouli. To hell with that.

Finally, you decide that enough is enough and you’ll begin bathing regularly. Finally you find a suitable woman or effeminate man and begin having copious amounts of sex. But now you can’t just smell your smell. Now you’re smelling somebody else. Now you have to deal with both your smell and this person’s smell. It’s a cornucopia of smells. Your smells mix into new smell. A together smell. You smell nice together.

Then she has babies, and now there are new smells. The babies are little sacks of feces and vomit and piss, and now you have to smell their smells too. And your smell and your significant other’s smell and the baby’s smell and the smell of the house mix together. You have a family smell going now. You recognize the smell of family time. You could be at work, and you’d instinctively know it’s time for home. Time for family smell.

As you get older, your son ends up trying to use body spray to cover up his odors, too. Now you see why nobody would date you in high school.

And then you go to the senior home. Now your smells are really smelly, and people can smell them from miles around. You’re a lot like that baby, with the horrible baby smell. Baby won’t talk to you any more. Baby’s grown into a man, and has found his own smell. He chose an effeminate man to spite you, and now both of them lisp at you for how ignorant you are when you get mad and start spouting off randomly against “the fags” and “the nigras”. Your son and his boyfriend both smell like cherry chapstick.

Then you die. You smell like dead person. That’s not a pleasant smell at all. Smells dead. people that aren’t dead don’t like that smell. They’ve had enough of you and your smells. You’re stinkin’ up the place. So they carry you to the funeral home. They bury you in the ground. Now only plants like your smell. Smells like fertilizer.

I won’t belabor it any more. Smell is your life. Smell is my life. Smell is life. Life is a test. Life is a smell. Life is a test of smells. First you’re supposed to tolerate your own smell, which is easy. Everyone can do that. (Unless they’re a burn victim, or can’t control their bowels. Then it’s much harder.) The second test is the relative smell. Tough test. Third’s other peoples’ smells. Even tougher. Then it’s the sex smell. People like that test. It’s easier. If you’re straight and going with someone of the opposite sex, and they bathe and don’t smoke. As long as all of those things are going, you’ll be fine on that test. Then there’s the baby test. Now that’s a test from Hell. And finally there’s the death test, where you’ve been through all the tests. That test is to test other people. You’re testing people to see if they can tolerate your smell. Great test.

In conclusion, I find it comforting that after having been exposed to all these different smells, that I’ll get to fight back against the smelly fuckers out there by forcing them to smell my dead rotting corpse. Fuck you, smelly people. Everyone else, have a nice day. Have a good life. Have a good smell.

The Story of Penis Mutilation in America: Circumcise Your Boys for Jesus and Protect them from French Prostitutes

The peoples of the world are defined by their ignorances. Some of the peoples of the world have tame ignorances, such as those of the Greeks who used to molest children for sport. Others have very interesting ignorances. For example, the Chinese liked to force their women to wear very tiny shoes so their feet would become deformed, because Chinese men are sexually attracted to women with deformities.

America is the nexus at which the various ignorances of the peoples of the world are brought together in a single unholy writhing mass of ignorance, hatred, bigotry, misogyny, and closed-mindedness. Being a nation of primarily unwashed honkies, America’s ignorances tend towards those of white trash, people who prefer their trucks big and who prefer their women drunk and willing at all times. These are people who hate science, who stone gays, and who hate vegetables, nutritious foods, and anybody who is not also white trash, including liberals, Hispanics, rich people of all kinds, intelligent people, and people who actually know what the hell is going on beyond Big Bubba’s Trailer Park Emporium and the local GMC dealership.

The one group which white trash loves besides other white trash is Jews. White trash loves Jews, or at least those who helped to write the Bible, a book which white trash holds dear in its white trash heart to make all of its decisions. Much white trash prefers to open up a Bible and pick a phrase at random to tell their fortune, in a ritual they refer to as “Bible dipping”. Then they go out and lynch fortune-tellers en masse because fortune-tellers get their powers from the Devil.

Fundamentalist Christians specifically fell in love with Jews, especially the nation of Israel. Israel is fundamentalist Christianity’s friend, because it gives fundamentalist Christians a convenient reason to bomb the shit out of people poorer and worse off than themselves, another white trash hobby. Christians fell so unremittingly in love with Jews, the Bible and fundamentalist religion that they consummated their relations with this religious trinity in an unholy buttsex orgy, resulting in a horrible fusion of all of these things which was so great that we still feel the results today, especially in our cocks.

The following is the story of how circumcision came to be. This story will explain to you why children have their dick skins cut off if they are born in the United States of America, land of the free, home of the ignorant fetid masses of the world.

Here’s why Americans circumcise their children.

Thousands of years ago Jews began to circumcise their children in the name of God. They did this so God would not smite them, or whatever shit people were coming up with back then. If you masturbated or didn’t cut the skin off your penis or had fun while having sex the Jewish God would torture you and kill you and send you to Hell.

Then, Jesus came to life as a corporeal representation of God. Jesus didn’t say dick about circumcision, except that his followers didn’t have to do it. Fuck that part, though, because he’s totally cool with it and such. After all, he was Jewish; he would be cool with the whole dick-skin sawing thing. He was a carpenter. One would assume he circumcised himself with a saw. A big fucking saw. Or a chisel. He probably chiseled his dick-skin off.

Then the Romans took over Christianity so the Jewish God wouldn’t destroy their Empire. The Jewish God destroyed their Empire anyway. He also tortured the Jews for various reasons.

By the early 19th century most people had stopped cutting off their children’s cock skins for various reasons. I have many theories on why this occurred. First off, it didn’t help peasant children work in the fields or work in the mines, and since they were probably going to die before they turned twelve months old it didn’t matter anyway. It’s not like they were going to get to lose their virginity or masturbate or anything. And if they did, who cared? This was Victorian England! Fuck happiness and sexual expression!

Second off, who gives a shit if poor children go to hell? It was the rich that mattered. Cutting off poor children’s dick skins was an unnecessary cost. The poor needed to fuck and fuck and fuck and reproduce like rabbits until the world was full to capacity of stupid children that nobody could take care of, and it wouldn’t matter, because the unnecessary vagina droppings could die of starvation. And all of them could go to hell because they got to keep the twenty thousand nerve endings men have on their cock skin, and after the obligatory hard work for rich white people that don’t give a shit about anybody or anything but themselves it wouldn’t matter. They’d been used. Their purpose was fulfilled. Circumcision was unnecessary.

Then America got to work, and John Harvey Kellogg threw his hat into the ring and decided that circumcision would help keep young boys and men from masturbating. Obviously. You slice skin off a dick and it becomes a little bit harder to get off.

But that’s a good thing! Fuck getting off! It’s not important! What is important is being pure. Meanwhile chugging down alcohol while beating your children and wife and killing brown people in foreign countries and beating black people to death and forcing your lifestyle down the throats of everybody else. Jacking off is the problem. Cooling off with porn after work is bad. Beating your children and wife is the right way to handle stress.

Most people with a brain in their head ignored Kellogg, because corn flakes suck and so did John Harvey Kellogg, who was a lunatic. FUCK JOHN HARVEY KELLOGG AND HIS SHITTY CEREAL.

Seriously.

Anyway, so then we go to war. We blow the everliving shit out of a bunch of European countries who were led around by a lunatic for reasons which have never really been explained. (And those same countries did whatever this lunatic wanted them to, which I’ve also never really understood.)

Our soldiers were fucking left and right throughout all this war. They fucked every Parisian hooker in sight, and get this, they started getting STDs.

Gee, I wonder why.

Maybe if the soldiers kept it in their fucking pants and waited till they got home to their girlfriends, they wouldn’t have had to cut their cock skin off to protect themselves against STDs.

But no, and so they took the Jew route so they wouldn’t get the clap.

This–American troops having unprotected sex with hookers–is the primary reason children are circumcised in America today. GIs brought the practice home with them as a method of decreasing STD transmission. In addition, intact children must have their private parts cleaned thoroughly, and American parents are both too lazy and too prudish to touch a baby’s penis to ensure he doesn’t get a urinary tract infection.

And thus are American children circumcised in the name of Jesus who said his followers didn’t have to get circumcisions, to protect them from hookers and UTIs.

Children who are circumcised never get a choice, never go back, nada. Twenty thousand nerve endings and most of the penis’ sensitivity are out the window with a snip-snip-snip and a whoop-de-doodle. The foreskin can never be replaced. Men that lose it never fully feel sex ever again, and are permanently less sensitive.

In simple terms, the foreskin is what feels most of the secks. Americans started circumcising kids so men couldn’t feel sex and wouldn’t want to have it as much. Period. That’s why Americans circumcise their kids. That’s why Abraham did it, that’s why fundie Christians do it, that’s why it’s done. So men can’t enjoy sex as much and won’t do it anymore.

In frank terms, America doesn’t give a shit. Why should it? We’re talking about a country that considers Coca Cola with high fructose corn syrup to be equal to sugar Coke. These people will never care, because they are desensitized to all outside stimuli, whether it be oral, anal, or penile. So I suppose, keep doing what you’re doing, America. Because you’re Christians. Because you don’t like sex.

Because you know, in your heart of hearts, that your kids are going to go fuck some French hookers.

Sources:

Father Magazine, “The Historical Basis for Child Circumcision in America.” 1996. http://www.fathermag.com/health/circ/historical.shtml

San Francisco Gate. “The Mommy Files: CDC Considers Promoting Circumcision.” August 24, 2009. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfmoms/detail?entry_id=46066 (Yes, it is true, the practice is 60% effective in prevention of HIV. Pbbbbfffh. As you fundies always like to say, the best protection against HIV is abstinence. Isn’t saying circumcision prevents STDs just going to encourage circumcised kids to have more sex?)

American Academy of Pediatrics. Statements on Circumcision and Urinary Tract Infection. http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1477524 (And it will also reduce UTI contraction, from one in every 100 infants to one in every thousand infants. Big deal. I’ll take my chances, thanks.)

NFL is for wussies. Meet MURDERDOME.

I am conflicted with myself on the Michael Vick issue. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, obviously you haven’t been watching football. I know I haven’t. I’m not gay enough to watch it, and I don’t care that much about it either.

There are some guys that seriously care about it, though. Those who like football for more than just the sweaty musclebound ass-kickers and ass-doers, guys that actually care about football, those guys are all up in arms about people who are against Michael Vick.

Yes, there are people out there that are against those that are against a man that is against being against dogfighting. Try pulling that through your head unscathed.

The way I see it, the sidelines are about like this:

  • Those who support Michael Vick: Football fans.
  • Those who do not support Michael Vick: People who do not enjoy murderous, unnecessary violence.

A lot of people are on the sidelines. I am on the sidelines, too. Here’s my problems.

First off, the dogs can go to doggie hell. Clearly the dogs were asking for it. Dogs are violent, sickening creatures that enjoy eating homework and biting mailmen. Who cares about them? I mean, seriously, who can look at these dogs in the picture below and not see violent killers just begging to be tortured and electrocuted to within an inch of their lives?

Clearly, violent killing machines in the making.

Clearly, violent killing machines in the making.

On the other hand, I also hate football fans, and would like nothing more than to see them cry in their beer because their god Michael Vick didn’t get to go back into the NFL. Look, I get that they make my pizza or might one day perform my open heart surgery, but football fans are also the reason they have those lame ass GoDaddy ads with Danica Patrick taking her clothes off, only it doesn’t show the goods because millions of women would get angry that their precious little bundles of joy and spittle and copious amounts of poop and urine (i.e. children)  were subjected to a few minutes of breasts. Well you know what? Screw that. If I feel like looking at naked women I’ll find them on the Internet, on websites that use GoDaddy for their domain names, ironically enough.

You have to remember, if nuclear war broke out during the Super Bowl and the President had to issue an Emergency Action Notification informing his country that they needed to evacuate to the bomb shelters, you would have millions of these people calling for the President’s head. They would rather die in nuclear hellfire than give up their faux-machismo skull-bashing contact sports for a day or two.

So as reasonable as Vick’s actions were, we also must remember that we have to do something, if only to piss off football fans. Also, I do realize that people deserve a second chance, even in America, as tragic as that may be. So, I have decided on a compromise. We allow murderers and dog killers to play in the NFL. However, only murderers and dog killers will be allowed to play in the NFL. Each team member will be issued a prison jumpsuit in their respective team’s color, and they will play without protective padding These team members will play completely naked, for the enjoyment of gays and women. We will allow these murderers, rapists, killers, and torturers to fight for the football in a giant mile-wide pit lined with electric fence and strewn with land mines and shrapnel, which I call the Murderdome. They will be paid five million dollars a year to do this, assuming that they survive the first season.

Then, we behead every member of PETA, impale their heads on spikes and place these in a wide circle around Murderdome, because it would look awesome and reduce the amount of fur coats lost each and every year to red paint. The fighting dogs they fought to save will get their chance to survive. They will be the opposing team, along with grizzly bears, tigers, lions, killer bees, king cobras, and other assorted violent and dangerous animals. The key difference will be that the animals were bred and trained to kill, whereas the murderers and rapists were self-taught.

Let's see what PETA thinks of this.

The cheering section will be comprised of lesbians having orgies on the sidelines. The stands will be the same as they are right now. However, fans will not only be allowed, but encouraged to bring semiautomatic weapons.

Oh yeah, and the ads will all be hardcore pornography. GoDaddy had better hope it can get Danica Patrick to have sex with “Candice Michelle” on TV for all of America to see. Otherwise we’ll have to give their TV spot to someone else.

We need to send a stern message to criminals. We don’t respect people that murder people and dogs and yet can’t survive a day in Murderdome. Grow some cojones, murderers! Especially if the grizzlies tear them off your crotch. If that happens, you’d better hope you can grow some new ones.

That’s my plan for the NFL. I think it’s a great idea, it’ll sell like hotcakes. We can free up our prison system, get killers off the streets and out of the jails, and simultaneously reduce the world’s population, and let’s be honest, this is already what the NFL is, just pussied out and made more “palatable” for  a mainstream, boring audience that can’t take anything truly hardcore. The only problem with the plan will be if human rights or animal rights advocates complain. Then we’ll have to kill them too. We can’t let quibbling details get in the way of a great plan.

I am ready to “talk turkey” and get the ball rolling with executives from the NFL. NFL, are you ready for Murderdome? Because it’s ready for you.

Why do people believe Orly Taitz is serious?

Everybody continues to believe that Orly Taitz is serious. Orly Taitz, of course, is the crazy lady that keeps on saying that dirty negro in the White House Obama was born in Kenya. Because that dirty negro in the White House is a dirty Muslim sand nigger extremist our civil liberties are at stake! HOLY SHIT A BLACK GUY IS IN THE WHITE HOUSE YOU GUYS!!!

Let me reiterate: People believe that a woman supposedly named O RLY seriously believes that Barack Obama is actually a Muslim, and is going to the Supreme Court with a law degree she obtained from an unaccredited school, in order to protect us against a popular President that was elected fairly and with a clear, strong, overwhelming majority vote.

I refuse to believe that this bitch is serious. I believe that this has to be a troll. It just has to be. There is no way all of this shit is seriously real.

Look, I get that everybody thinks that she’s serious, I get that we as a nation have a bunch of retarded rednecks that continue to attack Obama because he’s black, I understand that we have a bunch of even more retarded “birthers” that follow this lady around like she’s the next Messiah, but fuck, I can’t even take Orly “O RLY?” Taitz seriously enough to even believe that she believes the inane bullshit she’s saying.

Before you disagree with me in the comments below, consider the following, provided courtesy of the Something Awful Forums.

Recently Taitz claimed to have a certificate proving Obama’s birth in Kenya, which she supposedly photographed and put on the Internet here. According to the Daily Kos:

  1. The hospital is Coast Provincial General Hospital (sometimes said to be Coast Province General Hospital), not Coast General Hospital.
  2. Kenya was a Dominion the date this certificate was allegedly issued and would not become a republic for 8 months.
  3. Mombasa belonged to Zanzibar when Obama was born, not Kenya.
  4. Obama’s father’s village would be nearer to Nairobi, not Mombasa.
  5. The number 47O44– 47 is Obama’s age when he became president, followed by the letter O (not a zero) followed by 44–he is the 44th president.
  6. EF Lavender is a laundry detergent.
  7. Would a nation with a large number of Muslims actually say “Christian name” (as opposed to name) on the birth certificate?
  8. His father (born in 1961) would have been 24 or 25 when he was born and not 26.
  9. It was called the “Central Nyanza District,” not Nyanza Province. The regions were changed to provinces in 1970.

From Something Awful posters:

  1. The Deputy Registrar is listed as Joshua Simon ODUYA. O DUYA?

And let us not forget that the birth certificate appears to have actually been issued in Australia.

You will notice that the little folds in the paper and its tint are different between the Australian and African legal documents, as well as all important information, but the issue number, book number, registrar’s last name, district registrar’s last name, and the entire design and style of the documents are exactly the same. O RLY? SRSLY.

I cannot believe for the life of me that any person could be such a stupid fucker that they could ever possibly believe this crock of obvious and ridiculous horseshit. The lady’s name is Orly. Stephen Colbert let her on his TV show.

Come the fuck on.

This bitch is obviously a troll. She has to be. This has to be an elaborate satire by an intelligent individual, wherein she persuades a bunch of racist ignorant buffoons from the South to follow her willingly to jump off Bullshit Mountain like a pack of lemmings. Her name, the obviously Photoshopped documents that she claims to have, the ridiculous clues to its fraudulence, I mean come the fuck on, this isn’t rocket science here.

The only other thing I can come up with is that somebody else made it as a joke and gave it to her. This is what the SA forums said, and it makes sense, but it still doesn’t explain the name. The most ironic, ridiculously hilarious name ever given a child. Truly, Orly Taitz has taken the respectable, Hebrew name she was given and thrust it to heights of dull mediocrity and incredible ignorance it never would have had otherwise. You are my light, Orly. Too bad you’re so fuckin’ dim.

And so I continue to believe that Orly Taitz knows exactly what the fuck she’s doing. I know you all believe that she’s just a crazy crackpot, but I don’t. I think she’s doing this to intentionally embarrass and defame the Republicans and oust them as ignorant racist buffoons so obsessed with victory against the Democrats that they’ll basically call a Democrat a dirty Muslim nigger foreigner just to try to oust him. And of course the Republicans played right into it. O RLY? Ya. Srsly.