Christmas 2008: Waiting For Rockwell Wishes to Resurrect Abraham Lincoln

Christmas is a fascinating time to be alive right now. To begin with, America is crashing to the ground in flames, to be replaced as Heavyweight Champion of the World by China, which will enslave all of America’s men and use its women to create newer, stronger workers who can then use their collective force to obliterate the Universe as we know it.

But it’s also interesting if you’re afraid of having a heart attack. This is where I am, right now. Recently, at least two family members have died of heart attacks and loss of the ability to breathe and one more may well die soon from a heart surgery that didn’t work.

When everybody is dying around you and the world is coming to an abrupt end, and you are a pathetic furry faggot whose hobbies, like architecture and Lego design, are hated by God Himself, you begin to wonder when God is going to smite you. I have, of course, been on Smite Watch recently. Let me tell you why I am afraid that God is going to smite me:

  • Recently, I counted my heart rate and it was like 120 beats per minute or something, by my estimates.
  • My left arm is tingling.
  • I wrote this post, which is supposed to be lighthearted and funny but will crash to the ground harder even than the U.S. economy, and my family will be talking about it for years, just like the time I said that Republicans were on the level of shit-throwing apes and got a stern lecture from one of my Republican cousins.
  • Also, in spite of the fact that I am actually a Christian, it sounds like I’m making fun of Jesus in this article, which I am absolutely not, but God may not care that I’m just joking around, and although he loves the sinner he hates the sin, and thus he will smite me.
  • I feel dizzy.
  • I just had a massive heart attack.

And so on and so forth. Of course my fears are completely unjustified, and as usual I am a ridiculous hypochondriac for having spared them half a thought, but it is still tempting to think that God cares so much about the way that I act that He would knowingly give me a heart attack as punishment.

Note: God may still knowingly give me a heart attack as punishment for my obsessions with architecture and Lego design. He’s God. He can do that.

In addition to all that, of course, I am working on getting noise-reduction headphones for Christmas. You smart people out there probably already have these things. God help you if there’s ever a fire in your house while you’re wearing them. He’d probably give you a heart attack for your accounting hobby, or whatever it is you do when you’re not reading this horrible blog.

I also want a new external hard drive for my computer. Recently I bought a camera, and immediately after buying it I realized that its puny thirty-two million byte Card O’ Data was not enough for our rapidly-changing world. So I bought a new one for it, which can hold four billion bytes of pure imagey goodness, and therefore my digital camera can now record an entire episode of Dancing with the Stars, assuming you wish to use it to do such a heinous thing.

Anyway, with such power comes great responsibility, such as adding even more space for more data for my computer to keep track of. I’m thinking of buying a hard drive (SPOILER ALERT: It is hard) with two-hundred fifty billion byte storage capacity. That way I can have a full database of every single Dancing with the Stars episode ever recorded. Once I reach this pinnacle, no jury in the world would convict me of murder, especially if I murder the contestants themselves. Unless Johnnie Cochran represents the Prosecution. And since he’s a defense attorney, I’m totally safe.

But of course, I would never kill Dancing with the Stars contestants. Never. For serious.

Enough of my holiday wishes, though. Christmas, of course, is a time when we all remember Jesus’ birth. Jesus, in case you haven’t read the Bible, is a total pimping badass. He healed the sick and he gave sight to the deaf, and on occasion he was able to overcome his dyslexia and give hearing to the blind. He was awesome like that.

Jesus was also the son of God, and was a carpenter. A badass carpenter at that, but nevermind his woodworking skills. More important, of course, were his wordworking skills, at least back when he was giving out words. That was back before we nailed him to a cross. Note that we never nailed Richard Nixon to a cross. That’s just the kind of smart, sensible people humans are.

Jesus is said to work via mysterious ways. This is why Jack Chick tracts are so hard to understand. It’s important to remember that Jesus is still more understandable than normal people like me, as my latest article on the Detroit Three bailout will attest.

As a reminder of how great Jesus was, we celebrate his birth by erecting large Pagan trees in our houses and put all kinds of frilly objects on them and act rudely to relatives who come to our houses looking for food and presents. (My mother has assured me that our family does not do this.) It’s a vague reminder of what it is to be an American, because such scenes of tenderness and beauty were conveyed by visionaries like Norman Rockwell, who even today reminds Americans of Christmases long past that never really occurred but are nice to remember anyway.

lupe_rockwelllii

Let’s remember those Rockwell Christmases. Don’t forget: If we do, Abraham Lincoln will rise from the dead and give gay people the right to freely marry one another. Don’t ask why; remember, God works in mysterious ways. It will be a great time for America. People will dance around the Christmas tree, singing that “Dahoo Doorehs” song in the Grinch movie and play old Rankin/Bass Christmas movies that seemed to have appeared randomly as virtual particles from outer space. Iraqis will rejoice and spontaneously make love to one another on the sidewalk. And the Christmas Specials Wiki will continue to exist.

Yes, of course there’s a Christmas Specials wiki. It is accessible at http://christmas-specials.wikia.com/wiki/Christmas_Specials, and like the old Rankin/Bass movies it seems to have appeared out of nowhere. Suddenly, there’s a place where just anybody can write out information on Christmas TV shows and movies. Like Wikipedia, “The Pretend Encyclopedia that Anyone can Edit”, probably none of the information is useable for a college-level essay, which would offend me if I actually had to go to school, which thank God/Norman Rockwell I do not. I will ask my friend Dessie the Pagan lesbian Transformers slash fanfiction author, who also happens to be the cutest girl in the known Universe and is single, ladies, to write out an article for the site on any Transformers Christmas specials she knows of, including any pornographic ones. It will be a great day in American history. I would love to see it, but unfortunately I have a heart attack I’m waiting for.

ATTENTION: SHITTY DETROIT BAILOUT ARTICLE IS BELOW

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE IS SHIT. IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. IT IS BORING AND UNFUNNY, AND IT IS COMPLETELY IGNORANT OF EVERYTHING THAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW. DO NOT READ THIS, IT IS UTTER SHIT AND IF YOU DO COCKROACHES WILL EAT YOUR EYEBALLS.

(An actual General Motors internal-propaganda video.)

Somehow, in spite of the fact that GM, Ford and Chrysler are at the ends of their rope, Americans are still buying their cars. This is not particularly confusing at the outset; after all, the “Buy American” movement in the United States is still strong. Ford and Chrysler have already said they’re going to shutter most of their American operations by the end of this year; Ford has said it will shutter ten factories in the U.S. and Mexico for the rest of the year, considerably longer than usual, and Chrysler’s announced it’s going to stop building all cars entirely until mid-January, with no positive indication that it’s actually going to start building them again.

Now, look, I’m not going to bitch about those of you who are buying American cars. My family currently owns, as its full four-vehicle lineup, a 1998 Ford F-150, a 1999 Mercury Mystique LS, and a 2007 Ford Escape XLS. These cars have proven decent, workable vehicles with few reliability problems.

What I am going to tell you American-make buyers (specifically, ones that are buying brand-new vehicles from the Detroit 3) is that you’re making the stupidest decision of your lives.

You will never live down buying a brand-new vehicle from GM, Ford or Chrysler at this point. These three–all three, but especially GM and Chrysler–are totally, irreversibly fucked. There is no way they can survive this crisis–at least as they stand right now (thanks Alan for at least keeping me honest in my contradictions). As it currently stands, if you buy a car from any of these three, you’re pretty much buying a car made by a bankrupt carmaker with no warranty and no hope for any help in the future.

The warranty thing is why you’re stupid. When these three declare bankruptcy–which they will–your warranty will be null and void. Your car will have literally no protection or guarantees from any of these companies. Unless you’ve got gap insurance and a warranty from your local credit union, you’d better pray to whoever you typically pray to that your car lasts you. ‘Cause if it don’t… Well, you know.

Don’t believe it? Don’t believe such a thing could ever happen to an affluent middle-class American citizen? Au contraire.

FACT: Nobody gives a shit about me, you, my car, your car, my problems, or your problems.

GM never gave the slightest interest in what happened to Flint when they shipped jobs to Mexico. Ford never cared about the buyers of the Pinto, who might well have an exploding car. Chevy never cared about the buyers of the Corvair. Chrysler didn’t care when its Dodge Ram’s dashboard started cracking and deforming, potentially creating a safety hazard for its customers.

In fact, GM, Ford, and Chrysler have never cared about America, their employees, their customers, or their reputations. At every point in time from their inception to today, they’ve done what seems best for them. They’ve been notoriously inept, ignorant, and arrogant. When fundamental engineering problems were observed in their cars, these three did precisely nothing until the public got wind of it.

Now, every company does this. Toyota’s done it. Honda’s screwed up. And Nissan has too. I have never heard of a company that didn’t have at least one bad egg that it threw out onto the market.

But usually when other companies fail, they own up to it. When used Toyota Tacomas started rusting in their frames circa 2007, Toyota recalled all of them, citing safety hazards. If something went wrong with their cars, they recalled the defective part.

When Ford, Chrysler and GM find a problem? They either cover it up, or deny that the problem exists. IIHS used the F-150 as the poster child for the poor safety of American vehicles around 1999. Ford’s reputation for safety went out the back door pretty much overnight. News organizations all over cited it as proof that NHTSA tests weren’t enough, and that American cars were fundamentally unsafe.

Ford’s reaction? Keep it on the market until 2004, completely unchanged. That’s when Ford finally redesigned the truck, and not a moment before. By then Ford’s F150s were perfectly safe–but nobody gives a shit anymore. Why? Because Toyotas are too. So are Chevys and Dodges.

The moment the IIHS said that F150s were deathtraps Ford should have done something–anything–to fix its cars. Let us not forget that back then Ford was actually making a profit, and actually made money. So what did it use the money on? Buying Aston-Martin, Volvo, Jaguar, and Land Rover. So my family’s ’98 F-150? Pretty much screwed. Would’ve been anyway, but it would have been nice had anybody actually cared. Of course, my Mercury Mystique LS gets equally bad crash test ratings, so I suppose it just kind of runs in the Ford family. The Toyota Corolla of the time got an Acceptable, so I don’t know what else it could be.

At that point the T-100 Toyota had to compete against the F-150 got a “Marginal”, assuming my memory’s not off. IIHS removed the results from its list, presumably because of how old the truck is. But that’s not really important, because by next year its new Tundra got a green “Good” rating from the IIHS. Even the Silverado got a “Marginal” rating. Only Ford’s F-150 and the Dodge Ram got “Poor” ratings.

These companies take their sweet time to fix their cars; the Pinto and Corvair are famous examples of this tendency. But that isn’t my point here. More to the point, these companies go to the lowest common denominator to help their customers in tough times. Meanwhile, Toyota, Honda, and Nissan fix their cars or help their customers (at the very least) when things go wrong.

The Chevy Colorado recently got a Poor rating from the IIHS in side-crashes. When I emailed them about it, they told me that the NHTSA said it was safe, and therefore it was safe.

Even the Ford Ranger, which was first designed in 1979 during the freakin’ Carter Administration, and which has never received any safety updates since, got a “Marginal” rating from the IIHS.

Toyota’s Tacoma got a “Good”, the only truck in its class to do so. Toyota sensibly asked the IIHS to test its truck with side-curtain airbags, because they’d be standard in 2009.

Notice here I haven’t even touched reliability, which is even worse. Only Ford comes close to matching Toyota and Honda in reliability. It has said it wishes to best both companies in reliability in the near future (for serious).

Chevy? Chrysler? Haha. Nope, not a damn thing. Neither of those companies care about being competitive. As long as we give them their $25 billion in bailout dollars, they’re perfectly happy giving us the same ol’ shit they’ve been giving us since the Vega.

Oh yeah. Chevy’s said it’s going to give us an electric car, called the “Volt.” This is pretty much the only thing it has in the works that most Chevy fanboys are interested in.

Construction on the factory that is to make the Chevy Volt’s engine has been shut down.

Chevy has announced it’s preparing its bankruptcy attorneys.

My point here is to warn you not to buy a GM or Chrysler product right now. Fords are a bit more sensible but you’re still risking your warranty. And you still can’t help any of these companies, because they won’t help themselves. All three know what it takes to fix their businesses. Only one (Ford) is taking the necessary steps. And it may still be too late for Ford, simply because this recession has whittled its buyer base down to pretty much zero.

These three will declare bankruptcy. There’s nothing you can do about it. But if you really want to help them, here’s what you should do:

  • Wait until they’re bankrupt to buy from these three. Yes, seriously. They will still be around to buy from. At least two (GM and Ford) will be in Chapter 11. That’s a “reorganization”, for those not in the know. Reorganization means that courts take control and shutter factories, brands, and dealers to bring the company back into the black.
  • Also, make sure the government or some other group has promised to honor your warranty regardless of what happens to the manufacturer.
  • If there’s no guarantee your warranty will still be valid regardless of what happens to the manufacturer, you’ll have to use the discount GM puts on its vehicles as your warranty. Use the $5,000 or so they cut off the cost of your vehicle by putting it into the bank. Make sure you can get at it at any time to finance repairs on your car.

In the end, buying from any of the Big Three in the interest of helping the companies and their workers is a losing game right now. The current situation for all three is a broken one that can’t be helped without downsizing workers. Yes, it’s because of stupid managment, but there’s just about nothing we can do to stop that problem. And, of course, if we try to stop it, we’ll just be giving more money to management of these companies. They’ll probably continue to outsource American labor regardless, and it’s no guarantee they’ll spend money on product. Ford recently started making a brand new design on their compact Focus car for Europe. Americans got a mildly refreshened design dating from 1999, because Ford wanted to spend as little as possible on a redesign and therefore refused to bring the new platform to the U.S. You can still buy it here–as a Mazda–but not from Ford. What’ll be the difference if we give them money? Do you really think they’ll spend it on us Americans? Or will they prefer to spend our money in Europe, or Asia, where markets are growing and they make money on every car they make using cheap labor and lax safety requirements?

By the time Obama becomes President, at least two of America’s three domestic automakers will be in bankruptcy, and as much as 50% of its workforce will have been downsized. Audi, Mitsubishi, GMC, Saturn, HUMMER, Buick, Pontiac, Chrysler, Dodge, and Mercury will be gone. The U.S. economy will be in a worsening depression, and a good deal of its workforce will be out of a job.

At this point, in time, Obama’s new plans will come into play and the United States will gradually recover. If you buy American at that point, you can be a part of the repair work of the Big Three. They can (and will) recover from bankruptcy. Warrantees will likely be protected by the Federal government. New management and new manufacturing techniques will quickly change. Eventually, these three will become real competition for Nissan, Honda, and Toyota. Wait till then. You’ll probably be glad you did.

*danger*

WIENER weiner WIENER weiner PENIS weiner WIENER weiner PEEPEE weiner HOTDOG weiner BRATWURST weiner SAUSAGE weiner MEATSTICK weiner WIENER weiner SCHADENFREUDE B^U buckley

Many people do not understand why it is so important for astronomers to understand the importance of knowing the difference between a regular nova and a Type I supernova. While it may appear, at the outset, that such information is unimportant for the average person, its worth immediately becomes apparent when one knows the repercussions of a Type I supernova.

WIENER weiner WIENER weiner PENIS weiner WIENER weiner PEEPEE weiner HOTDOG weiner LIVERWURST weiner SAUSAGE weiner MEATSTICK weiner WIENER weiner SCHADENFREUDE B^U buckley

While a typical nova merely releases a great deal of its mass and energy into the infinite blackness of space in a brilliant cascade of light, a Type I supernova explodes because it begins fusing carbon. This carbon fusion in a binary star system can be caused by two major factors, as far as we currently know.

vagina VAGINA vagina HOLE vagina CANYON vagina PENIS vagina CAVE vagina HOTDOGBUN vagina TACO vagina F40PH canyon THRUST vagina TREE vagina BLOOM vagina EGG vagina CANYON vagina BLACKHOLE vagina LIGHT vagina ENTRANCE vagina DESTROY vagina HOLE canyon CANYON canyon VAGINA canyon HOLE vagina EXPLODE vagina BABY vagina vagina VAGINA vagina

The first possibility, of course, when dealing with a binary star system such as could produce a Type I supernova, is a simple nova. In a simple nova, a white dwarf–whose electrons, at the atomic level, are so close that they are nearly touching each other–begins feeding off a larger star nearby, forming an “accretion disk”.

WOMB uterus WOMB uterus VAGINA vagina VAGINA vagina CORD vagina CORD vagina

The gas compresses and eventually becomes so hot that the the hydroges ignites and fuses into helium furiously.

QUEEF vagina BOOM vagina VAGINA vagina BABY vagina EXPLOSION vagina BOOM boom BOOM boom BOOM boom BOOM boom

The star becomes extremely luminous for a short time and eventually resolves into its original state.

Unfortunately for the white dwarf, this nova process is often not enough, as matter continues to compress on the surface. The star, unfortunately for its fate, cannot rid itself of all its gases. In this case, it becomes so heavy that even its electrons cannot stop an implosion. In this case, the star begins fusing carbon, and it reaches supernova level.

….

…..

hk;ahsdgoi;h;eie;gheihgthh;dhgck;hhiegutyyq

[uuzk.,h;haihgdyeuwoil;knci;hegiegrgr

? nac uoy llet tahw i ma gniyas

won ti si lla revo

pu si nwod

nd ıs poʍu

? dluohs siht eb eht dne ro eht gninnigeb

? rettam ti seod

ti si woh ti si

lla si tsol

hk;ahsdgoi;h;eie;gheihgthh;dhgck;hhiegutyyq

[uuzk.,h;haihgdyeuwoil;knci;hegiegrgr

…..

….

In another, similar event, a white dwarf hits another white dwarf, which creates a massive star and begins carbon fusion. In any case, the result is the same: the core collapses, and the star violently explodes.

….

…..

two lights here

two lights lost

one shattered

one broken

one pained

one frustrated

one hurt

one dejected

os ynam sevil

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ

an instant in space

has begun

…..

….

….

…..

and ended

…..

….

In spite of a supernova’s violence, it is a thing of gorgeous beauty, releasing into space a large amount of the heavy materials we know of on Earth. It is formed throughout the star, whereas a nova is an explosion of the outside of a star. A nova contains mainly hydrogen; a supernova creates nearly none.

….

…..

a birth

a beginning

like nobody has ever seen

a love

a life

so cruelly taken

given back

A thousand fold

…..

….

The Type I supernova is an integral part of the cosmos. It nearly always occurs with the same results and key properties. It is highly luminous. As such, its brilliant flash serves as a tool for those enterprising astronomers who wish to map the structure of the whole of the tapestry of the universe.

 

 

 

….

 

 

 

…..

 

 

 

 

mother

 

 

 

 

 

god

 

 

 

 

 

 

love

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

son

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

world

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

child

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

man

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

death

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

cross

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

rebirth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Striking News For All LoopyLines Readers: You Now May Exist In Some Meaningful Way

I have striking news for LoopyLines’ reader base:

  • LoopyLines now officially has a reader base, consisting of my cousin, Josh, and his close circle of friends at Cibola High School. Before this it was rumored, in such sweet and loving souls as Shari “Sha-Sha” “The cute girl who sometimes comes on here” *icantstatesharisreallastnameonthissite*, that I might have something approaching a reader base. In fact, many others who emailed me expressing their displeasure in me that I would dare say that Maddox sucks often reminded me of my reader base by stating that I could not have the reader base of Maddox unless I put up at least three advertisements per Internet page linking directly to my site, and even then they would have to advertise a furry porn site named “GiantHorseWeiners.com”, which as everybody knows is the best furry porn website on the whole entire Internet.
  • OK, I lied. The best furry porn website on the whole entire Internet is
  • Okay! So apparently my censors tell me I need to talk about something besides furry porn. This is a great disappointment to me, as I find furry porn to be among the funniest subjects on the Internet right behind Chuck Norris and the French, but not quite as funny as porn starring Alex Trebek making love to Unicron from the Transformers series. So anyway, I shall move on to my next subject, which conveniently will be right after the next bullet point in this bulleted list.
  • I’m currently working on an article, entitled *danger*, which will dramatically attempt to associate Type 1a supernovas with miscarriages. You see, I have read Ctrl-Alt-Delete’s groundbreaking comic regarding miscarriages, in which protagonist Ethan, immediately after finding out that his beautiful girlfriend Lilah has suffered a miscarriage, punches her in the stomach and begins screaming about how he won’t get cake at their wedding as Lilah slowly drowns in a pool of her own blood. Thus, I feel it my prerogative to attempt to portray miscarriages in a more sophisticated way, such as by demonstrating the powerful, avant-garde message of post-modernist femininity that miscarriage actually hurts a woman in some meaningful way. I will do this in a way only an obnoxious twenty-year-old Internet-surfing male can: By including words such as *QUEEF* and *COOTER*, so that fourteen-year-old boys will not attack me for being an obnoxious bloodsucking feminist.
  • I will also detail something else very soon. I realize that I am very much off-schedule in making updates to LoopyLines, at least partially because all of my teachers are evil scumbags who like nothing more than giving me assignments detailing things such as the “inverse derivative”, a concept which I will likely never use in my entire life, except for when I begin working on my plan to make Lego figure robots that will do my bidding, and even then I’ll probably get the algebra wrong.

So anyway, that’s my plan for the upcoming weeks. Log in next week, when I finally start to care again.