2007: Year In Review

By Rick Lego, Senior Correspondent

  • Junior year for the Governor’s now nine-year mayorship of Luigiville and two-year governorship ended last year’s National Anime Convention with a sad whimper, and several B’s, due to a lack of enthusiasm and dismal showings on Luigiian students’ report cards. Nevertheless, the city rebounded due to a wonderful summer break and strong showings. This year, Luigiian students reportedly recieved straight A’s on traditionally weak subjects, like math.
  • The War in Iraq continues to fester, as American forces lose further casualties. Total Luigiian casualties: 3, incurred when an Iraqi guardsman stepped on our small contingent.
  • Gas prices remained high around January, then began to plummet as elections came about in the United States. Nevertheless, the Republican-controlled U.S. Congress went Democrat anyway.
  • Everybody cared when Seinfeld’s Kramer, Mel Gibson, Donald Trump, and fat American lesbian Rosie O’Donnell attacked each other in a massive brawl involving pastry. Then we stopped. Mostly.
  • Former President of the United States Gerald Ford died near the end of this year, carrying with him a mixed legacy as both the man who patriotically pardoned President Nixon and controversially pardoned Richard Nixon. Despite such questionable behavior and rumors of a deal involving the pair, nothing was proven. He is remembered, like Jimmy Carter, for his respectable behavior and friendly, caring nature, rather than his Presidency.
  • Coming close after Ford’s death, Saddam Hussein was hung by the U.S. protected Iraqi government after he was handed over by the United States. The Iraqi government, in a show of speedy justice, executed him around 8:00 very soon after arrival. The execution comes with fanfare around the world and in a sigh of relief to those who joked that Hussein would “probably just get off scot free”.
  • Finally, The Luigiian Government celebrates a difficult but happy year, in spite of Governor Depoy‘s social ineptness; to the chagrin of macho Luigiian males, he was unable to get a girlfriend for the third year in a row, forcing many to question whether he deserves to be continued Governor. (Seriously.) Test scores for Luigiian students are at an all-time high, and Depoy has said that new, fully-furnished apartments will be constructed within the next few weeks. Depoy’s new LMC Rerun is hoped to be a success, and Depoy is hoping that an auto factory will provide new jobs as well as emergency living and transportation needs. This reporter wonders whether the people would prefer to just get houses, but as of press time no new word on houses has happened.

Starving to Death Through the Modern College Scholarship

Today, much as I did yesterday, I filed for more scholarships. This is an interesting test of a person’s courage, perseverance, and willingness to go to large websites where at least 50% of the pages have attractive, multiracial people smiling and just generally staring directly at you while you try to figure out what the site is trying to take from you–your ability to get other scholarships, your choice in major studies, dignity, etc.?

If I seem a tad cynical, it’s probably because I am. You see, I narrowly missed getting a scholarship from the University of New Mexico, worth $12,000 a year. Well, technically I didn’t really miss it. See, the scholarship is called the “Regent’s”, which is apparently, as UNM says at least one billion zillion times on its website, “very prestigious”. In fact, they say this about every scholarship on their website.

What happened was, I planned to fill out the information in the few days before it was due, and on that day, I found out I needed two letters of recommendation, a resume, and at least one pint of blood from my first born. At this point my mother was giving me helpful advice through screaming “JUST STOP ALREADY! THERE’S NO WAY YOU CAN GET IT NOW! JUST STOP TRYING! GO TO SLEEP! STOP!”

Then for the rest of the week, whenever anybody mentioned “scholarships”, my mother would tell everybody she possibly could within listening distance about this wonderful scholarship that I just DECIDED NOT TO GET. And then everybody around her tells me, while shaking their heads, how SHAMEFUL IT IS. Over and over again. I’m afraid not to file for scholarships now, because she’s already told me I could have bought a car with the money, as well as paid for all my schooling for the rest of my life. I could have had it all. But… so sad… I just MISSED OUT ON MY LIFE! OH DEAR GOD NO! So I HAVE to get these other ones.

Now, that scholarship was only given to twenty people per year, all of whom will be from my Advanced Placement English class. (But you COULD HAVE APPLIED ANYWAY, I THINK YOU WOULD HAVE WON IT AND YOU’RE SO MUCH SMARTER THAN ANYONE ELSE AND) And so I have mostly calmed down, and I’ll apply for UNM scholars, which I’m pretty sure I’ll get, but which is only worth a paltry $4,875 per year. Sadly enough. And in addition to that, I’m applying for several other scholarships, in the hope that I’ll get that car. Or pay for my education to Harvard, depending on which comes first. Or something, for God’s sake. I have found some very odd scholarships. For example…

  • Did you know that there’s a scholarship for having the Perfect Real Christmas Tree?
  • Or one for having a webpage?
  • Or…

OK, so not that many. All I know is that I hope I get enough money to last me through college, and that I don’t starve to death because I didn’t get the “very prestigious” Regents’ Scholarship, or whatever it is.

A Rerun of Luigiville and ’08 Presidential Nomination Report

In case you’ve been wondering where on Earth I’ve been, I’ve mostly been in my house. You see, today, throughout New Mexico, snowfall, cold, heat, rising temperatures, cooling temperatures, and runny noses have kept many of us indoors.

And don’t even get me started on winter break.

So today I spent my time working on a new LEGO car for my LEGO city: The all-new LMC Rerun, named for the concept that it will run several times without breaking down, not old TV reruns. It houses four people, four suitcases, and a small (for Luigiville) 200ci 4-cylinder engine in a small engine bay. It has a total length of around 14L’ (fourteen LEGO feet), a width of 6L’, and a height of approximately 80L” (far taller than any car on the market, even SUVs). LEGO figure height impedes serious height reductions. It’ll probably be on MOCPages soon, don’t you worry your pretty little heads.

And of course, after reading Cagle’s Cartoon Index, I started thinking about Election 2008. Now, of course, I’m sure you’ve already got at least one person in mind for who you’d like to see become President (Hillary Clinton), but you would be wrong. I can tell you the best person for the Dem nomination in 2008 in only two words.

Bill Richardson.

Those two words should be enough, but unfortunately they’re not. Richardson has served as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, a U.S. Energy Secretary, a Congressman, and as Chairman of the Democratic National Convention (yes, I know it was in 2004, when John Kerry got nominated, but since retards voted for Kerry, not Richardson, we can safely say it’s not his fault). A diplomat and energy expert is just what we need in a time of high oil prices and when the world hates us. In fact, delegations from nations like North Korea frequently invite him to diplomatic talks. It’s just a shame that he’s not female, or else he’d be President like THAT. He’s even Hispanic!

Meh. Anyway, Luigiville’s coming along nicely in ways that don’t involve my little Rerun. A pair of brand new condominiums are about to be installed that will give residences to twelve newcomers to the famed Luigiian City. They will be the city’s first fully-furnished houses of any kind that I’m not using as my house. I only hope that will calm the angry mob that won’t let me out of my house.

See you guys later. I gotta get my mob-dispersing stick.

The Nation’s High School Finals Plagued by Lubriderm

Today at our nation’s high schools, millions of young Americans–some white; some black; others, some random color–took their final exams, which they may not have, but I’m saying that they did because I did and I don’t want to feel alone in having to take my final exams. Even for high school, such exams are a powerful tool for failing students spectacularly. And even if your teachers don’t use them for such, they can at least piss away what’s left of the school year on them. And that’s the American way.

Today I had my final examinations in three subjects: English, Government Indoctrination, and Pre-Calculus That Any Qualified Japanese Person could Do At Age Twelve. I succeeded at all three, except for the last one, because I’m good at being indoctrinated, but not so good at being smart. Which brings me to my next topic, My Sad Husk of a Social Life That Is Really More Like Nothing (Because I’m Sure Internet Users Would Like To Read Another Retard’s Bitching About Why he Doesn’t Have a Girlfriend). A few days ago I said something stupid to somebody, and now that person nags me every day about it. That person happens to be female, and of course, this depresses me very badly, to the point that I am crying while writing this, as well as eating a taco. It is salty.

The taco, I mean.

Anyhow, with regards to Luigiville, everything is normal. For example, I recently used that discarded plastic snow that one gets and threw it all over the place, ensuring that when summer comes along and I have to clean Luigiville of snow-like stuff, I will wish I was dead. And everybody I go to school with will wish the same thing, especially because of the beans in the taco, and because I will attempt to use my “Mating Dance” on the girls. Do not ask what the Mating Dance is.

Finally, and sadly, winter is upon us, meaning that it will get cold, and then everything will die, and our collective skin will suddenly become dry because of a lack of rain, forcing us to use a collective tube of Lubriderm lotion. I know many of you weren’t aware of this. Neither was I, until I was made aware of the situation. This is serious, except for our soldiers in Iraq, who will continue to be hot in the desert until “President” George W. “Bush” gets his “head” out of his “ass”.

Stay tuned for more breaking coverage of my crappy life.

The Wonderful Art of Squirrel Drawing and The Corporation

I think corporations hate America.

I know you’re wondering why. After all, there’s so little evidence, either than gas-guzzling SUVs, gigantic amounts of food that make your stomach close to explode whenever you go to an American restaurant, video game systems that cost upwards of $250 (and video game designers that stupidly make video games only for the most expensive systems like the PlayStation 3), Britney Spears, spinach, Chevrolet, and of course, Taco Bell, which is well known not only for being a hotbed for every disease known to mankind but also as America’s fart factory, where there are so many beans in every dish that you wonder whether or not you’re actually eating British food rather than Mexican. (Yes, I know there are beans in Mexican food; Taco Bell makes its food extra-British by making it at least twice as disgusting as any other Mexican food in existence, with the possible exception of fish tacos from Taco Depot, which I will not try because I respect my stomach.) I’m used to looking on car websites and knowing that Ford Motor Company has brand new designs for both a crew-cab compact pickup Ranger and new Ford Focus, only they won’t take them to the U.S. because they say they can’t “afford” to, still managing to stealthily sneak the topic of Americans buying cars from them damn Japs in Japan into their advertising. (My feeling? If you can’t bring your best cars to the country you’re in because you don’t “have enough money”, you’re cheating America. Maybe we should buy Japanese cars in protest, Ford? Or will you just try to make us feel bad some more? Huh? WHAT?! YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME, YOU BITCH!?!?)

Anyway, so I’m used to all of that. (Kind of.) But I’m depressed at Nitrome.

Nitrome is a little Internet video game maker that I go to occasionally because they let you play creative video games for free. It’s fairly nice, even if everything on the site happens to be pink. And one of the games they have is called “Tanked Up.”

Do not play this game.

I don’t know who made it, but I’m guessing it’s Satan. On its second level, the game becomes shooting other tanks rather than racing (which is what the game is supposedly about). To me, this is absolutely wrong, and Nitrome is to blame. They are also to blame for this squirrel video game that reminded me of a girl at my school named Kaycee, who kind of looks cute like a squirrel. But these squirrels were not cute like Kaycee. They had these weird-looking noses, and they used a trampoline to save baby chicks falling out of the sky (probably their mother was giving birth in midair). I feel that this is also Satanic.

My solution is to execute everybody who has ever made a Nitrome game. For good measure, anybody who has ever seen or played a Nitrome game, except for me, should be sent straight to prison. Everybody else should go to Detroit carrying pitchforks to force Ford (by force) to release one of its new crew-cab Rangers to the U.S. Preferably a hybrid. Also green with sheepskin seatcovers.

This solves the Nitrome problem, but not the squirrel and food problem within the United States. People who are allowed to draw squirrels, even for fun, should be licensed professionals. Squirrel drawing is one of the few true art forms left (the others include rap and beach volleyball); it is not something that can be picked up within a week, or even, in some cases, a lifetime. These squirrels should either be drawn “cute style”, like Kaycee or reindeer, or “realistic style”, such as a real squirrel.

NOTICE: I would just like to make it clear that I do not like the girl at my school named Kaycee. I see her as looking like a cross between a crazed monk and a squirrel, and she looks British. I just like to talk about her every single post because I think that squirrels are funny. That is all.

Finally, a word about restaurant food. Please make your portions smaller before we all die of GAAACK WHEEZE COUGH CLUTCH CHEST PAINFULLY

An Act of Choral Destruction

Well, so far, I’m not having a very good week, at least as far as being good in the sense that it’s almost winter break and I still can’t find much fun. For example, I play the guitar, which of course means that no matter what I do–no matter how many times I play Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” followed by Tarrega’s “Capricho Arabe” and ended by a piece by Paganini–I will still be asked to play “Classical Gas” followed by “Smoke on the Water.” And then the band people, knowing that nobody ever asked them to play such trash, will sneer. And then I will beat them with my guitar. Just because I play a wooden instrument doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell when its various parts are embedded in one’s skull. Just think of the splinters!

So, what’s my point, you ask? Well, today, I was asked to play a piece for my school’s “Winter Arts Fest”, which is an excuse by the teachers to stop reviewing for final examinations and do something pointless, like listen to the chorus. The only interesting thing that could ever come from the chorus is if, when they are dressed in their white robes, they are actually wearing nothing underneath, which, if one actually looks at who generally participates in a choir, is slightly less than alluring. In addition, I’m sure many religious groups are offended by now, and as soon as the principal of my school finds out, by reading this, she will laugh, because it is what all good American principals should do, considering one of their students can actually write coherently.

Anyway, the reason I’m trying to embarrass the choir, other than because chorus people are hateful stuck-up bastards (not really, chorus people! Please go out with me! Seriously! And keep your robes on, for the love of God!!), is because they kept me from playing guitar today, as well as maybe thirty other people. They went on today, and stayed on stage, and stayed on stage, and stayed on stage, wearing God-Knows-What and singing their fruity-ass songs that they get from movies like Anastasia. I swear. And they stayed on too late. And whenever they were done, somebody told the entire audience–which was asleep–that there was nothing else to go on, and so they could go back to their classes. Which they did, meaning that all the work I did today I did for nothing.

For today, the guitar player’s schedule was like this:

7:00-Wake up.

7:20-Realize that school has already started.

7:30-Get car started as fast as humanly possible while brushing teeth, brushing hair and shaving at the same time.

7:40-Arrive at school.

8:00-Practice until some time in the future.

2:20-Go home, realizing that you could have stayed asleep.

Well, that’s mostly the way my day went. The only thing I left out was, while I was shaving, brushing my hair and combing my teeth, I was also showering. Also, the people watching the chorus may have been merely resting their eyes. But anyway, you get the idea. We would have been better off watching C-Span.

Or, weirdly enough, playing stupid riffs of “Smoke on the Water.” I think it’s all part of their plan.

The Blogging Art Form is Such a Bitch

One experiences many painful things in their life. For example, this entire last week I thought I was experiencing the onset of appendicitis, because of the fact that my right side was hurting, and I knew a person who had just had surgery because his appendix had exploded. That is not a thing one wants to happen to him, especially because he has school in the morning. Also, there is all kinds of pain involved and possibly death, which just adds to the torment.

Fortunately in my case, the pain turned out to probably be just gas. I decided this one day because of the fact that my left side had begun hurting, which indicated to me, a person who experiences pain daily from his gastrointestinal system, that one of two things was occuring:

  1. My appendix was moving to the left, and then back to the right, and then back to the middle, especially when I ate salsa.
  2. My appendix was fine, and it was probably gas pain.

I am still uncertain of the outcome of that fine predicament, which means that, today, I am going to bitch about something else entirely.

Wait for it… I’m trying to think of something to bitch about, you see. Bitching humorously is an art form. One can study it from either Dave Barry or Maddox, although to be truthful, Maddox sucks considerably more.

All right. Off the top of my head, I can think of many things to bitch about. For example, a few days ago, I got a video from AOL. Now, this was not your typical AOL video. This was an AOL video entitled “GM President Gets Heckled”, or something to that extent. There are very few AOL videos where you can see rich men make asses of themselves for free. And so, in order to see a man who makes more in fifteen seconds than my mother could in several billion years become a total laughingstock, I attempted to start the video. Unfortunately, this video was being opened by my DVD player, which meant that I suddenly had a big blank screen in front of me, with absolutely no idea what to do. I was never told that my DVD player was handling this issue; I thought that sort of thing was supposed to be handled, you know, by Windows Media Player. But, my cousin Josh, in his eternal wisdom, had apparently decided much earlier that WMP wasn’t good enough for him, no, he had to have the DVD PLAYER DO STUFF LIKE THAT. Or at least, that’s what I’m saying because I don’t want to admit that I have absolutely no clue what the hell is going on with why no videos are playing right on my computer.

In addition to that, I’m going to bitch about women. You see, just recently I had a girl at my school sitting next to me. She had come from an entirely different school clear on the other side of town, so I thought that it would be a perfect time to put my patented moves on her, by staring at her and telling her, “Oh, I’m sure you’re doing fine in this class”, when in reality, I know that she will never finish this class, because she has a 50% two weeks before Christmas break, and then sometimes I offer to help her with her work. But, to my eternal chagrin, these moves did not work at all: Instead of swooning into my outstreched arms, she in fact went over to my archrivals, the preppie partyers, talking with them, and then she pointed and laughed at me after class. The nerve! I even tried to make her feel like she isn’t stupid! And she has the nerve, the gall, to think that I’m a loser because I act like she’s giving me a new car whenever she gives me a pencil, saying “Thank you, thank you!” in mock thankfulness. Some girls even tell me that I act like a stalker because of that. And do you know what I say to them? WAAAAAAH YOU’LL NEVER LOVE ME EVER EVER EVER I’M NEVER GOING TO DATE YOU EVER, EVER, EVER, AS LONG AS I LIVE, WAAAAAAH!

And then: OH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I DIDN’T MEAN IT PLEASE COME BACK I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU PLEASE MARRY ME.

I’m going to go cry in the corner right now. The pain is just too much.

I think my appendix just burst.