Thanksgiving Turkeys

This last week, the vast majority of us in the United States celebrated Thanksgiving, and for many of us, it was a wonderful time of eating dry turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, which in my family is actually lunch, unless you are old and call lunch “dinner” and call dinner “supper”, in which case you are an idiot geezer. In my house, the whole family, consisting of the Handley side of my family and not the Depoy side, which eats alone on Thanksgiving, all cram together in our living/dining room and eat lots of food. Except for me. Because I eat slowly, and so long after everybody else is finished at the table I’m still poking around, getting bites of various types of food, sometimes having to steal food from the dog.

We had a wonderful time overall. For example, my uncle Joe showed us his new car, which was one of these new Chevrolet Impalas that look more like a throat lozenge than the previous generation, according to Motor Trend magazine. And, adding to the wonder were my cousins Amaree and Aliae (two of the reasons I don’t use spellcheck anymore), who wonderfully screamed at me that they wanted to play with me; but I wanted to talk to my cousin Josh, who I haven’t seen in several billion light years, and so I finally gave them several tubs of Legos to play with, after which they wonderfully told me that my buckets didn’t have any parts they could use, so I gave them another tub, and then their parents (and Josh’s) said they had to go. All in all, a wonderfully wonderful Thanksgiving.

Anyway, during all that me and Josh played Dance Dance Revolution on my Nintendo (because it is so darned Thanksgivingy), while everybody else watched, because most of the football game was over. Me and Josh don’t really get into football. For example, I am supposedly a Chicago Bears fan, but I have no idea who anybody on the team is, inasmuch as I know only two major points about the team:

  1. My father was a fan;
  2. They were featured on a Saturday Night Live skit.

So, in all reality, my cousin and I were more inclined to play video games, and probably would have stayed up, since it was “Adult Swim” night, but of course Josh had to take care of his sisters, you know, Amaree and Aliae (I’m sure it was wonderful). As it was, we played DDR, and everyone left, and I spent much of the weekend either eating, or doing homework, or both at the same time. And not all turkey (thank God); me and my mother went to the Red Lobster, where we ate shrimp. And then came home for some turkey.

Next up, it’ll be time for Christmas, after which is New Year’s, and I’m sure I’ll spend these holidays doing much the same. I’ll be getting at least $200 worth of Legos, though, and I’ll have much more homework!

Only this time, I won’t have to deal with Thanksgiving turkeys. Maybe we’ll get fried chicken.

Building a Democracy for Little Dead Plastic People

Lego design is such that the imagination rules over realities seen in real life. Rather than calculating wall sizes, weight loads, how many windows a room needs to have, or plumbing problems, a Lego designer needs only slap some bricks together and make something beautiful.

Doesn’t that suck?

The reason that I build with Legos is to become a part of that untapped potential, that potential Legos have for being so complicated that no child could ever play with them again. And so, I’m always building new stuff for my Lego City.

At first, I was thinking very simple. For example, I started out building a democratic state for my Lego citizens. I’d make a little quiz stating all the political opinions one could have, the more liberal, the lower the number. Conservative opinions would get a 3, 2, or 1 number; moderates would receive a zero; and liberals would get a -3, -2, or -1. The sum total of all of their opinions (generated on a random number generator) would determine their political stance, and therefore who they’d vote for. I held a senatorial election this way, which determined several things:

  • My minifigures were divided, 3-2, in favor of Liberal.
  • All of the more liberal districts were located on the west side of Luigiville’s Plaza Central, whereas all the conservative ones were on the East Side.
  • I really, really need to get out more often.
  • Or go out, as the case may be.

So, anyway, that system is still there, and it’s on my computer. It’s part of my little nation’s “Constitution”, which provides for, among other things, the abolition of slavery and the Equal Rights Amendment. The Constitution is somewhere on the order of ten pages long, with sections dealing with statutory law, a democratic form of government, and a complete list of Lego figure behaviors, such as who’s in support of gay marriage, immigration, and other figures; who likes various hobbies; who’s male or female or gay or straight; and (naturally) who’s a nerd or a jock. (Because it matters.)

In addition to just a Constitution, I want to make my Lego figures into tiny robots. I have complete schematics for making it work, including motor placement, making them “see”, and other such things that really, really matter. I plan to have more information in just years, or possibly millenia, if I can find it that quickly. I’m also planning on calling Lego.

Why? Because I think I need help.

Governor Makes Half-Assed Attempt at Senate Election Because of Luigiian Site Post

Luigiville– Yesterday, Governor Justin Issac Depoy (C) gave out election results on the election held November 4th. In a field of 196 voters, the Anime Convention, according to Governor Depoy’s statistics, held on quite well, beating the Order of the Lobo by one seat in a five-seat Senate.

Residents, of course, are freaking pissed.

“I think that them thar results cain’t be true”, said one farmer, reporting from his precinct in Kirara District, where the liberal “Cougars”, Depoy’s party, won handily. “To my knowledge, neither me nor my neighbors voted for those faggots. Therefore, I think that the results are faked, and I’m going to go shoot the Governor.”

Though many say they believe Governor Depoy faked the results, Depoy maintains that he has done nothing wrong.

“Those results were not faked,” Depoy said. “The west-side districts reported upsets for the Anime Convention, and that side of the city is liberal, and its residents in higher economic statuses, than their east-side counterparts. They’re richer, but not by much. I don’t think economic issues got their vote as much as the immigration issue–they wanted easier restrictions on it because of their wanting cheaper labor, and we are very pro-immigration.”

According to Depoy’s statistics, the Cougar Party won in Kikyo, Kagome, and Kirara districts, while the Lobo Party won in Miroku and Inuyasha districts.

According to Depoy, Kirara served as the swing state.

Things I’ve Learned From Life: My 18th Birthday Thoughts

1. Nobody is smart enough to vote. In high school, we had a “mock election”, in which everybody nominated candidates and everybody got a say. Of course, some of them already knew who they were going to vote for before the person had ever uttered a word. It was, in essence, a popularity contest. And so I lost. Of course. And afterward I decided to become a speechwriter for the winner (some popular kid named something popular, I can’t remember what), and I’m going to quit. You know why? Because I’m just too tempted to manipulate him. He’s just like Bill McKay from the movie “The Candidate”. His opinions are strong, yet so shallow in content (Oh really, you want affirmative action? Why? Oh! Of course. So yeah, we’re going to change our entire policy because of your opinion, without you compromising at all! Of course) that anybody with a strong, well-informed opinion on an issue can manipulate him.

And I thought that that was isolated. But then I saw more of these shallow yet rock-solid opinions (“The U.N. is gay…” a person says. You ask, “why?” and they respond with an “uh…”) from my friends (“I don’t like Heather Wilson because she comes from another state”) or from my parents and relatives. (And if this sounds like you, don’t worry: so many people are like this it’s hard to single out any one person.) Everybody has an opinion, but many refuse to give it any real validation. Bush supporters are particularly bad about this (“We want tax cuts!” they say; but, you say, they only affect a few hundred people in the entire country. Yet the supporters continue with this argument ad nauseum anyway!)

2. Generally, acting stupid and/or hateful doesn’t work. I thought that I’d get sympathy points by acting like one of my dumber “friends”. Of course, it didn’t work. Some people are just going to get lauded regardless of what they say.

3. You are stupid. But that doesn’t stop me from trying to get it to work.

4. Not having a girlfriend really, really sucks. It’s not even the sex, but rather, the total loneliness of knowing you couldn’t get anyone if you tried.

5. 90% of your friends will suck 100% of the time. They’ll either leave you when you need them the most, or they’ll need you when you want them to leave you alone. This is either God’s practical joke on humanity, or a test. I prefer the former, since it just seems so ironic.

6. People suck. See #s 4 and 5.

Got anymore thoughts you’ve got? Drop me a line, and I might post them.


Hello everybody.

As you probably don’t know (because you’re a bastard), last time I posted, I wrote one post and put up a URL: Men Shut Up, Women Shut Up, and a pair of criticisms of two (2) different documents on the Internet which said what women and men should do on both sides. I said that I was sick of women bitching about men, since they won’t have sex with me; and I said that I was sick of men bitching about women, because they are stupid. That was the point of the article: Men and women are both stupid and hateful to one another, and need to shut up.

That was the point. But of course, my fellow Luigiians didn’t understand that. They said that I was an “evil demon from hell”, and that I needed to shove the articles up a certain orifice that shall not be mentioned. Then, they said that they wanted to set the house on fire.

Now of course, these are people who cannot be trusted with things like Avacado refrigerators, but I must apologize, or so says the chief of police, who is angry at me because he has a girlfriend, and he says that if he doesn’t get angry at me, she (meaning his girlfriend) will divorce him.

And so here are some of the apologies that I give out.

  1. I apologize for complaining about the articles. After all, a woman expecting a man to take it when she hits him hard enough to cause bruises is to be expected. Why not? It’s only fair! And a man expecting a woman to think nothing of watching sports nonstop, that’s fine too! What’s wrong with me? I can’t believe I ever even tried to say that that was bad!
  2. I apologize for wanting to have sex with women. That’s just wrong of me, not to mention perverted as hell, ISN’T THAT RIGHT LUIGI!?
  3. I apologize for getting angry at you, Luigi.
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A Luigiian Political Campaign: “O.J. for Sheriff”

The following are campaign ads from the two candidates running for Luigiville County Sheriff. Their views do not reflect those of the webmaster. Thank you.

Hello. My name is O.J. Simpsen.

I’m running for Luigiville County Sheriff because I think it’s time for a change. Luigi Mario is a faggot. He enjoys having sex with men, including U.S. President George W. Bush. He is also a pinko Commie liberal who wants to make gay marriage legal, and allow serial killers to get out of prison.

As Luigiville County Sheriff, Luigi Mario regularly ate donuts at taxpayer expense. He even made money using taxpayer dollars! And, in addition to all of this, he has made Luigiville less safe by filing paperwork before arresting criminals. In fact, despite his credentials as “Super Mario’s younger brother”, crime in this country has stayed constant, at a 1% crime rate, since he took office!

Not only that, but Luigi Mario hates video games and is a friend of fello Pinko Commie Anime Conventioneer Justin Depoy, who has insisted that warrants are necessary to keep our civil rights intact! This is infantile.

  • We need to fight free… er, terrorism by implementing a Freedom Fighter Task Force. This task force will have the ability to intercept your telephone lines, kill children and puppies for sport, and arrest people with absolutely no reason whatsoever. This is fine because you won’t get arrested unless you’re a terrorist. After all, what’s the chance that we’d arrest you for calling people to a party?
  • Our Freedom Fighter Task Force, however, will not only intercept Iraqi terrorist calls. It will also intercept any calls that are suspicious because they are sent out to many people, especially for some sort of political “party”. You see, there are many terrorists in the Luigiian Republic. In fact, your neighbor, son, wife, or mistress could be a potential terrorist! In order to find out, ask your son the following questions:

1.) Has he ever called his friends to a party?

2.) Has he ever succeeded in winning a school sponsored “mock election” by being a stupid fucking stoner with one of those damned wool caps who’s never had an intelligent thought in his life and only got elected because every other fucking student is JUST AS FUCKING STUPID AS HE IS FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU ALL?

3.) Have you sponsored terrorism by doing drugs?

Just remember: Luigi Mario is a faggot, terrorists are everywhere, mock election winners are fucking stupid-ass stoners, video games are badass, and if you’re stupid enough to write like Something Awful authors you deserve to get no website traffic.