LoopyLines “Bad Internet” Report: Hentai Anime Poker

This is an approximation of what Hentai Anime Poker looks like.

This is an approximation of what Hentai Anime Poker looks like.

I was going to do a shitty review of the Chicago Auto Show, but then I realized that nobody gives a shit about the Chicago Auto Show. So instead, I’m going to do a review of something even worse.

Hentai Anime Poker is the most horrible thing on the Internet. It is worse than Goatse. It is worse than Tubgirl. For here is something that literally instills no emotion. There is no eroticism conveyed in this “game.” There is no fun in the poker. There is nothing worth speaking of about this game, in any way.

It was made by a game company named “JAST”, which means God alone knows what, but which I will take to mean “Japanese Nasty Crap” because if it really were the company’s name it would be literally the most realistic in world history. The company itself, the people who buy its games, the games themselves, all of these things are NASTY CRAP.

Yes, PAID. There are people out there–some poor, sad, pathetic souls–who actually paid $20.00 for this game. I know, because they’ve written reviews on it. Thank God I just found a torrent of this game, because otherwise I would seriously kill myself. There is no way to justify paying $20.00 for this piece of unholy refuse when you can get a prostitute (or hell, a stripper if you don’t want STDs) for just a couple bucks more. Or, you know, find some girlfriends and play strip poker with them, for free. Novel concept there.

What did those poor bastards pay for? This:

When I first looked at the small 100-pixel screenshots on Google Image Search, I thought, “Hey, can’t be that bad.” After seeing them closer I became physically ill. Literally. Physically ill. The game itself manages to just look appalling at a glance, let alone if you actually try to play the damn thing.

Of course, as a conoisseur of Internet garbage I had to try this thing out in depth. I mean, there are just certain things you have to do, just to say “I had the balls to download that piece of shit and play it“. Speaking of which, “Suck it, bitches.” Seriously, I doubt you could last five minutes.

I didn’t expect much from the get-go in sexual-fulfillment fantasies: For one thing, had I wanted porn, there are much better places to get it. If I wanted anime porn, there are better places to get it.

Regardless, I downloaded the torrent of the “expansion pack”. Whole game, for free.

Here are my initial findings from the game:

  • If you try to turn down the volume on the game, the game itself literally goes into your Master Volume settings and turns down the Wave dial to zero so you can’t hear anything even when you turn the volume back up. I had thought my speakers had broken after turning the game off.
  • The poker sucks. All the bitches in this game (I refer to them as bitches because calling them women would be insulting to actual women) have exactly the same programming and do the exact same thing. There is no bluffing, there is no big betting, there is literally nothing fun in this game. If one of them bets big, it means she has a big hand, every time, and she always has a better hand than you do.
  • The programming sucks. Already stated, on so many fucking levels.
  • The art sucks. It’s much worse than the small screenshots on this page can adequately convey. The linework looks like it was done by a four-year old. (Remember, this was actually done by an actual company for money.)
  • The game lasts forever. In the end, it became a struggle between me and the machine to see which one could endure more of this boring mess and prevail over the other. Money would go back and forth, one character would win big, then another one would win all that money, then I would win all the money, then another character would win all the money. If by some miracle one of us lost money or (Christ forbid) clothing, it reduced me to gagging and switching over to looking at another of the ugly things they called women.

I was reduced to robotically pressing the buttons, just waiting for the whole terrible thing to end. By the time I was done with playing the game I had seen enough of the thing to last me several centuries, and I started trying to lose just so they’d be done with this contest and I could get back to listening to my Genesis CDs and surfing the Internet for something worth doing, like homework or setting my hair on fire.

In the end, I lost, the game spouted some weeaboo-fantasy shit about waking up naked with a hangover from too much sake, and the game was over. I was happy to be done with it. I had just spent a couple hours in Internet Freeware Download Hell, and getting out of it and getting a nice shower was as happy a moment as finding out I won a date with America Ferrara.

This game is a nightmare, and after enduring it I get the feeling that JAST is actually a front for the Christian Broadcasting Network. The only way that anybody could conceive a game this cynical and terrible is to look at everything horrible that has ever been on the entire Internet and distilling it to its absolute worst parts, with the expressed intent of making people hate pornography. It’s all there: The horrible weeaboo-fantasy pornographic retard scribbles, the girls that whimper like children when asked to take off their clothing, disgusting crotch shots, creepy overtones of rape, and much, much worse. The only thing not here (or at least I didn’t see it) was lolicon pedophile shit, and you can probably get that, too, with another twenty dollars of your hard-earned money.

To hell with this thing, and all games like it on the whole Internet. Shitty hentai stripping games are in epidemic mode right now. They permeate all good and decent (or at least not completely terrible) sexual stuff on the Internet, and most of them aren’t just creepy and gross, but badly drawn, boring, unfunny shit. I’ve seen worse than this, but worse never asked for twenty dollars of money from lonely losers. This game amounts to fucking extortion.

If you ever get twenty dollars and don’t have anything to do with it, spend it on anything but this game. Get razor blades to cut yourself, stick needles in your eyes, drench yourself in gasoline, buy a Britney Spears album, seriously, anything would be a better expenditure than this.

And if you do feel a desire to play this game, for the lulz or otherwise, at least have the good sense to get the free version. Ahem.