LoopyLines “Bad Internet” Report: Hentai Anime Poker

This is an approximation of what Hentai Anime Poker looks like.

This is an approximation of what Hentai Anime Poker looks like.

I was going to do a shitty review of the Chicago Auto Show, but then I realized that nobody gives a shit about the Chicago Auto Show. So instead, I’m going to do a review of something even worse.

Hentai Anime Poker is the most horrible thing on the Internet. It is worse than Goatse. It is worse than Tubgirl. For here is something that literally instills no emotion. There is no eroticism conveyed in this “game.” There is no fun in the poker. There is nothing worth speaking of about this game, in any way.

It was made by a game company named “JAST”, which means God alone knows what, but which I will take to mean “Japanese Nasty Crap” because if it really were the company’s name it would be literally the most realistic in world history. The company itself, the people who buy its games, the games themselves, all of these things are NASTY CRAP.

Yes, PAID. There are people out there–some poor, sad, pathetic souls–who actually paid $20.00 for this game. I know, because they’ve written reviews on it. Thank God I just found a torrent of this game, because otherwise I would seriously kill myself. There is no way to justify paying $20.00 for this piece of unholy refuse when you can get a prostitute (or hell, a stripper if you don’t want STDs) for just a couple bucks more. Or, you know, find some girlfriends and play strip poker with them, for free. Novel concept there.

What did those poor bastards pay for? This:

When I first looked at the small 100-pixel screenshots on Google Image Search, I thought, “Hey, can’t be that bad.” After seeing them closer I became physically ill. Literally. Physically ill. The game itself manages to just look appalling at a glance, let alone if you actually try to play the damn thing.

Of course, as a conoisseur of Internet garbage I had to try this thing out in depth. I mean, there are just certain things you have to do, just to say “I had the balls to download that piece of shit and play it“. Speaking of which, “Suck it, bitches.” Seriously, I doubt you could last five minutes.

I didn’t expect much from the get-go in sexual-fulfillment fantasies: For one thing, had I wanted porn, there are much better places to get it. If I wanted anime porn, there are better places to get it.

Regardless, I downloaded the torrent of the “expansion pack”. Whole game, for free.

Here are my initial findings from the game:

  • If you try to turn down the volume on the game, the game itself literally goes into your Master Volume settings and turns down the Wave dial to zero so you can’t hear anything even when you turn the volume back up. I had thought my speakers had broken after turning the game off.
  • The poker sucks. All the bitches in this game (I refer to them as bitches because calling them women would be insulting to actual women) have exactly the same programming and do the exact same thing. There is no bluffing, there is no big betting, there is literally nothing fun in this game. If one of them bets big, it means she has a big hand, every time, and she always has a better hand than you do.
  • The programming sucks. Already stated, on so many fucking levels.
  • The art sucks. It’s much worse than the small screenshots on this page can adequately convey. The linework looks like it was done by a four-year old. (Remember, this was actually done by an actual company for money.)
  • The game lasts forever. In the end, it became a struggle between me and the machine to see which one could endure more of this boring mess and prevail over the other. Money would go back and forth, one character would win big, then another one would win all that money, then I would win all the money, then another character would win all the money. If by some miracle one of us lost money or (Christ forbid) clothing, it reduced me to gagging and switching over to looking at another of the ugly things they called women.

I was reduced to robotically pressing the buttons, just waiting for the whole terrible thing to end. By the time I was done with playing the game I had seen enough of the thing to last me several centuries, and I started trying to lose just so they’d be done with this contest and I could get back to listening to my Genesis CDs and surfing the Internet for something worth doing, like homework or setting my hair on fire.

In the end, I lost, the game spouted some weeaboo-fantasy shit about waking up naked with a hangover from too much sake, and the game was over. I was happy to be done with it. I had just spent a couple hours in Internet Freeware Download Hell, and getting out of it and getting a nice shower was as happy a moment as finding out I won a date with America Ferrara.

This game is a nightmare, and after enduring it I get the feeling that JAST is actually a front for the Christian Broadcasting Network. The only way that anybody could conceive a game this cynical and terrible is to look at everything horrible that has ever been on the entire Internet and distilling it to its absolute worst parts, with the expressed intent of making people hate pornography. It’s all there: The horrible weeaboo-fantasy pornographic retard scribbles, the girls that whimper like children when asked to take off their clothing, disgusting crotch shots, creepy overtones of rape, and much, much worse. The only thing not here (or at least I didn’t see it) was lolicon pedophile shit, and you can probably get that, too, with another twenty dollars of your hard-earned money.

To hell with this thing, and all games like it on the whole Internet. Shitty hentai stripping games are in epidemic mode right now. They permeate all good and decent (or at least not completely terrible) sexual stuff on the Internet, and most of them aren’t just creepy and gross, but badly drawn, boring, unfunny shit. I’ve seen worse than this, but worse never asked for twenty dollars of money from lonely losers. This game amounts to fucking extortion.

If you ever get twenty dollars and don’t have anything to do with it, spend it on anything but this game. Get razor blades to cut yourself, stick needles in your eyes, drench yourself in gasoline, buy a Britney Spears album, seriously, anything would be a better expenditure than this.

And if you do feel a desire to play this game, for the lulz or otherwise, at least have the good sense to get the free version. Ahem.

Slowly Killing Oneself in the Quest For Health

You will know it when you see it.

You will know it when you see it.

Have you ever been to a Chinese food restaurant? Yes, I am asking you. Have you, the person currently reading this pointless article, ever been to a Chinese food restaurant?

If you are a normal, God-fearing American, the answer to this is probably “yes”. (If it is not, meaning that you are not a normal, God-fearing American, you should become one, either via marriage ceremony or genetic engineering.) Anyhow, of course you’ve eaten Chinese food, it is awesome. You have probably figured out by now, looking at how long this article is, that this is not my only question to you. Because there are many different types of Chinese food restaurants. There are Schechuan Chinese food restaurants, and Cantonese, and some aren’t even Chinese, they’re like a weird mixture of all kinds of crazy crap that the chef decided appeared vaguely Asian, and so he decided to open up a restaurant  and call the food “Chinese” because China is the only Asian country he can find on a map.

By now you’re probably wondering what I’m getting at. My point is, if the answer to the first question is “yes” and the answer to the second is not “Four-Joys Chinese Restaurant in Albuquerque, New Mexico, a few blocks south of The Fruit Basket, which sells fruit, and just a little south of Moses Health Foods Store, which sold the acidophilus milk that cured the Governor of the Luigiian Republic of near-terminal rotavirus when he was six months old”, then you sir (or ma’am) are an idiot. You also have terrible taste in food.

It's great, seriously. No, this is not a joke. YOU NEED TO EAT AT THIS PLACE SOMETIME DAMMIT

There is but one “Four Joys Chinese Restaurant.” You will know it right away, because it emanates awesome right at the front door, in the form of two enormous wooden dragons on either side of the front door. Inside there is a small river, with small Chinese fishes, and small Chinese waitresses, although it must be mentioned that the waitresses are not inside the river, as this would get their feet wet. The waitresses are instead near the tables inside the restaurant, which is dark. God alone knows what the walls look like in this place, that is how dark the walls are.

I went to Four-Joys yesterday, and it was great. It was an incredibly powerful, moving experience, especially bathroom-wise, but also because it tasted good. But, of course, whenever you consume that much MSG and salt and grease and rice and spicy mustard and General Tso’s Chicken in one sitting, you know that there is going to be hell to pay. And that hell is fiery, watery and generally comes out of all of your major orifices at once.

But that hell is definitely, totally worth it.

Walking a tightrope is a great way to become fit. Headaches? Youd better hope you dont fall.

Walking a tightrope is a great way to become fit. Headaches? You'd better hope you don't fall.

The only cure for Chinese Food Hell, of course, is Wii Fit. It is the cure because it is a healthy game that involves such healthy activities as twisting your body into knots, walking tightropes extended hundreds of feet above the ground, and of course yoga, which no healthy activity would be without. Yoga, like it’s namesake, yogurt, is very healthy, because it teaches exercises like how to breathe so much air into your bodily cavities that your stomach starts bulging out, which I tried to do but failed at because my sides hurt after attempting the Half-Moon pose.

And that is just on my first day. I am sure that after several days of this, my whole body will ache as if I have run the Boston Marathon several times in a row. That’s how I’ll know that I’m getting healthier. Because I’ll be in excruciating pain.

Science agrees with me on this. As I write this, scientists around the world are coming up with new ways to try to force humans all around the globe to seriously injure themselves. In special scientific studies, they continually find that people that put in more sweat and more difficult activities lose more weight and become healthier. They do not state whether most of those respondents are sadomasochists, or whether they’re also vegetarians, but I’m guessing that they are. Only sadomasochists and vegetarians could get off on making themselves feel like they’re ninety years old after an hour of twisting their bodies into various unnatural poses. If you enjoy exercise, chances are you’re one of them.

If you go looking for the rest of this horrible image, you will never, ever forgive yourself. It is ithat/i bad.

If you go looking for the rest of this horrible image, you will never, ever forgive yourself. It is that bad.

And in spite of this pain, I may still end up using Wii Fit. Am I a sadomasochist? Am I a vegetarian? I do not know. I know I am probably not a vegetarian, because I believe strongly that if an animal was not murdered to produce whatever food I am eating, that it is only a snack and therefore completely useless for my nutrition. I may be a sadomasochist but at this point I have been exposed, via the Internet, to so many odd perversions and fetishes and deviancies and various other evils (such as being on the same planet as Doug Winger) that being able to find a single one in the dark depraved confines that constitute my mind would be a luxury comparable to raising the Titanic and bringing all of its passengers back from the dead. So in that regard there is no way in HELL I am going to try to answer that question. Forget you even HEARD it.

And don’t, under any circumstances, look up Doug Winger. Just trust me on this one.