A Profound Commentary on Racism in America, or Something

Whether we know it or not, keeping animals really is a form of slavery.

I know, I know, you love your cats, and your cats love you, and they snuggle with you in bed as you go to sleep at night.

But ask yourself this: Does that make it any less a form of slavery?

I mean, think about it. Way back in the olden days, when men were men and women were beaten, I’m sure many slaves snuggled with their masters. I mean, we already know Thomas Jefferson snuggled with his slaves. Think of the implications! Clearly black people screwing with white people is exactly the same as cats snuggling with you.

And animal slavery is predicated on the exact same excuse as black people slavery was. People said the blacks were better off as slaves. They said black people were less capable and less smart than white people.

And what do we say about animals today? That they’re less capable and less smart than people. White people. We have the black people drive our buses and fold our laundry. See? That’s racism.

And, of course, we have black people take our animals. Brings ’em closer to what they once were: You know, slaves. It has nothing to do with the fact that rich white people don’t want to give up the power and influence they’ve kept from blacks for generations.

I’ll give you an example that I think perfectly illustrates what I’m talking about. Recently my family got into the cat-catching business. They were stalking around our yard, eating and fucking and eating and fucking some more, and we decided enough was enough, and decided to catch them. Now, white cats and white people are exactly the same. It’s true, white cats are just as smart as white people, if not smarter. Same with black cats and black people. Which means that black people are an omen of bad luck if they cross your path. And white cats are boring Protestants who like to play golf and tennis and work way too hard.

And let’s not even get started on brown cats and yellow cats, except that the former like fish tacos and the latter like sushi. Try it. I guarantee if you put out sushi yellow cats will come and if you put out fish tacos brown cats will. You think I’m crazy. Try it. Color-based stereotypes work regardless of age, gender, or species.

Now, white cats and black cats and yellow cats and brown cats are all equally smart. I think we all agree with this. Fur color has nothing to do with anything, most cats are really about the same thought-wise and you can find an equal amount of stupid white cats as stupid black cats. Fur is very similar to skin, in that both serve only to protect the body. But skin color is naturally important, whereas fur color is not. According to some people, anyway. Some people think that hair color is important, but fur color is not. But fur and hair are exactly the same. It’s just that hair is something humans have whereas animals have fur. All animals are inferior to humans. Therefore it doesn’t matter what color their fur is. They all just suck equally.

Except for dolphins, which have no hair and are the smartest. According to racial logic, that means bald humans are the smartest.

Anyway, the cats all got into the cage except for the white kittens. I don’t know why. I think it’s because they were kittens and couldn’t find food for themselves. Hitler would argue that their proud Aryan blood would be corrupted if they ate mongrel food, such as you find in a cage. He would check to see if they had blue eyes and blond fur and would argue that these traits will determine whether these white cats make up the master cat race. Nathan Forrest would argue that the white cats should dress up as ghosts of Confederate cats and place burning crosses in front of black cats’ houses.

I’m still trying to find the kittens, because I’m scared for them. They can’t live on their own. They’re fucking kittens, duh. But they are fascinating creatures, aren’t they?

One of these days aliens are going to come to earth. Picture them in your mind’s eye. They’re green things, looking sort of like Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama only green and with tentacles instead of claw hands.

Now, pretend it’s the year 2012, and the Mayans were right and all the dates were correct and the clock is resetting and therefore the aliens who know of us (a race known as Zorbonians) are coming back to get us. They helped build the Pyramids, and they’re coming back to collect. OK?

Now, unlike us humans, the aliens had a different set of traits. Their planet was differently designed. OK? Picture this. They are exactly the same as us intellectually, except for a few things.

They have far more diseases than we do. They have an alien disease that causes boils to form on the sufferer. The victim dies of excruciating pain quickly. But the aliens have developed genetic immunities to this disease.

In addition, their planet, Zorbon, was differently aligned. Our planets’ continents are arranged more North-South. There’s a huge ocean between the eastern and western hemispheres on our planet, where instead of having one solid cluster of continents we have two big huge ones in the Western hemisphere, one in the southeast, one sort of in the middle of all of these and one big horizontal one, and the latter is the one where most civilization started, mostly in the middle.

Whereas the aliens’ planet has one big solid cluster of continents, like Pangaea, only very much centered near the Equator of the planet. This makes it far easier for the aliens to move crops from one region to another, because most of the middle of this continent is all of about the same temperature, and therefore they don’t have to worry about planting corn in the different temperatures of Mexico and Wisconsin or whatever. Their primary crops encompass cereals, leafy greens, legumes, and starches even from the outset of the creation of their civilization, and therefore most of these regions have peoples with good nutrition. Because of their extraordinarily good luck, they are able to develop without any sort of malnutrition.

Because they didn’t have to worry as much about starving to death, they were able to find other ways to kill themselves. They developed bows and arrows extraordinarily quickly, and then moved immediately to guns and cannons, and then nuclear weapons, and then ray guns. In half the time it took us to develop atomic weapons, these aliens developed weapons capable of destroying entire planets.

Got that? So they’ve got deadly diseases that other species can contract, and the continental architecture of their planet is far superior to our own. They got Le Corbusier to design their planet, whereas we got Chucklesworth Bumblefuck, M.A.. And because of that they were able to advance technologically at a far greater pace then we could ever dream of.

There’s more, which basically boils down to that because of their greater technological capacity they were able to advance through the Bronze Age and Iron Age, through the Bessemer Process (in which iron is converted to steel, known on their planet as the Klagmar Process) and finally into the Titanium Age and the Brontonium Age. Brontonium is a metal created when nuclear materials are combined with titanium to form an incredibly strong metal, so hard it can withstand temperatures higher than any ever seen by Man. We haven’t discovered it yet. Fuck you, scientists. You haven’t even found brontonium yet. You should.

Anyway, they decide that they’re bored with their planet. You would, too. Once you’ve explored everything on your planet, you get kind of sick of it. Like with your wife. You get sick of it. You’ve explored her entire body, including orifices neither you nor her knew she had. So now you want to explore other women. I have no idea why she hasn’t left your sorry ass yet. We all know she should. You asshole.

Tiger Woods, I’m looking at you. Anyway…

We’ve explored other planets, but nothing like the Zorbonians. We’ve only got to some heavy petting with probes. We still mostly stay on our planet, occasionally touching her moon. But the Zorbonians have explored orifices on other planets, colonizing, touching them with their tentacles and pleasuring them with their weird tentacle mouth things, like Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama only green.

And so the Zorbonians decide that they want to fuck with some new planets. Now, we’re fucked. Our planet got hit with a meteor, jamming most of our communications n’ shit. The Zorbonians are fast, and they basically bend space-time around itself and get to our planet in time for tea.

They realize we’re good candidates for slaves. We’re clearly inferior, because our technology and civilization is “inferior”. It had nothing to do with extraneous details we had no control over. We’re just “inferior.” Which therefore means they’re doing us a favor by forcing us to do their work.

So they put us in mines and on the fields, working for them. They take away our right to an education, and when we can’t read they say it’s because our brains aren’t as well-developed as theirs are. They take our men back to their planet to work on the fields for them, resulting in a shortage of men on Earth forcing those left to create harems with multiple women in a desperate attempt to keep population numbers stable. This is hindered by the aliens’ diseases, which kill 98% of the human population on Earth within the space of about ten years.

So, by 2022 our population is down to around a hundred and forty million people, from a high of about seven billion. Most are worked to death, because they are “inferior” to their alien overlords and therefore their lives do not matter. They worship different gods, they look different, therefore they are not as good. And that gives the aliens the right to work us to death.

You think that makes no sense. First off, you may be getting sick of this long-winded article, and that’s OK. Secondly, you don’t see what that has to do with racism. It has everything to do with racism.

Black people and native Americans were later to develop technology because they didn’t have good crops and lived on continents that were warm in the middle and cold near the extremes. They couldn’t move quickly, because they could only move places that their crops could grow.

Because it was harder for them to farm, it took them more time and effort to survive, and therefore longer to develop technologies.

And because the native Americans came to America during the Ice Age, most of the diseases they carried died out by the time they made it to America.

Then whites came about and said they were superior to the others, when in reality it was the Eurasian continent that was superior to the Americas and Africa. The white people that lived on it were diseased vermin that didn’t bathe and were imperialistic fucks. And like any kind of vermin, they refuse to go away.

For those of you that still believe in the superiority of the sickening white menace, I would like to urge you to read a fucking book or, as a better solution, move from the South entirely. I know not all Southerners are sickening, but I feel it necessary to be a closed-minded bigot because I’m white.

But seriously, even if whites not enslaved all the black men, left the remainder in Africa to fend for themselves, killed everybody in the Americas, killed everybody in Australia, split China into spheres of influence, forced their philosophies on life on everybody in the known world, used all the world’s resources and then torn up the entire Arabian region and rebuilt it according to which group of white people owned which small portion of desert land, surely even then the world would still be a fucked-up hellhole of racist ignorant assholes who hate each other and want to blow each other up with bombs.

…Right?

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The Smells of Life

Humans are very weird about smells. Everything about people is designed to smell. And yet humans want to remove their smells from their bodies, to avoid offending others.

Nobody except a person who smells wants to smell a smelly person’s smell. Except their own smells. When you’re first born up to about age five, you only have to smell your own smells, unless your parents are particularly smelly. Then you have to smell your parents’ smells too. You’re usually OK with your own smell. Not so much with your parents’. They go above the limit. The smell limit should not be passed, of course.

Then you smell your classroom on your first day of school. Say it’s kindergarten, or preschool. And you smell the room, and it smells terrible. Now, you figure that your smells smell pretty good, so you decide to let a big one rip. But it doesn’t make it smell any better. In fact, it smells worse. You’ve added another terrible smell to these terrible smells. It’s like a gas chamber. You’re afraid you’re going to die. Death by smell.

This is your first inkling that your smells might not smell so nice. And now the girls say you stink too. But, you don’t want to take a shower. That’s too much to ask, even for a girlfriend. So you try to control the smells. You use all kinds of deodorant, spraying it everywhere it can be sprayed on your body, including unmentionable orifices. You spray it hoping it can mask the fact that you haven’t bathed in three weeks. Unfortunately, you haven’t yet learned that body spray deodorant mixed with three-week old body odor smells like body spray deodorant mixed with three-week old body odor. It’s a smell from hell. You smell like hell. And somehow the girls still don’t like you.

This is your first inkling that corporate America might be lying to you. After all, the AXE body spray commercials clearly show men with women crowding around them in packs after spraying just a little bit of the stuff on their necks, as if it’s some kind of irresistable miracle fluid. Clearly a lie. So you become a hippie, and begin to go to events like Burning Man to get back at The Man. Your smell gets worse. And all the women that are now interested in you smell like patchouli. To hell with that.

Finally, you decide that enough is enough and you’ll begin bathing regularly. Finally you find a suitable woman or effeminate man and begin having copious amounts of sex. But now you can’t just smell your smell. Now you’re smelling somebody else. Now you have to deal with both your smell and this person’s smell. It’s a cornucopia of smells. Your smells mix into new smell. A together smell. You smell nice together.

Then she has babies, and now there are new smells. The babies are little sacks of feces and vomit and piss, and now you have to smell their smells too. And your smell and your significant other’s smell and the baby’s smell and the smell of the house mix together. You have a family smell going now. You recognize the smell of family time. You could be at work, and you’d instinctively know it’s time for home. Time for family smell.

As you get older, your son ends up trying to use body spray to cover up his odors, too. Now you see why nobody would date you in high school.

And then you go to the senior home. Now your smells are really smelly, and people can smell them from miles around. You’re a lot like that baby, with the horrible baby smell. Baby won’t talk to you any more. Baby’s grown into a man, and has found his own smell. He chose an effeminate man to spite you, and now both of them lisp at you for how ignorant you are when you get mad and start spouting off randomly against “the fags” and “the nigras”. Your son and his boyfriend both smell like cherry chapstick.

Then you die. You smell like dead person. That’s not a pleasant smell at all. Smells dead. people that aren’t dead don’t like that smell. They’ve had enough of you and your smells. You’re stinkin’ up the place. So they carry you to the funeral home. They bury you in the ground. Now only plants like your smell. Smells like fertilizer.

I won’t belabor it any more. Smell is your life. Smell is my life. Smell is life. Life is a test. Life is a smell. Life is a test of smells. First you’re supposed to tolerate your own smell, which is easy. Everyone can do that. (Unless they’re a burn victim, or can’t control their bowels. Then it’s much harder.) The second test is the relative smell. Tough test. Third’s other peoples’ smells. Even tougher. Then it’s the sex smell. People like that test. It’s easier. If you’re straight and going with someone of the opposite sex, and they bathe and don’t smoke. As long as all of those things are going, you’ll be fine on that test. Then there’s the baby test. Now that’s a test from Hell. And finally there’s the death test, where you’ve been through all the tests. That test is to test other people. You’re testing people to see if they can tolerate your smell. Great test.

In conclusion, I find it comforting that after having been exposed to all these different smells, that I’ll get to fight back against the smelly fuckers out there by forcing them to smell my dead rotting corpse. Fuck you, smelly people. Everyone else, have a nice day. Have a good life. Have a good smell.

The Story of Penis Mutilation in America: Circumcise Your Boys for Jesus and Protect them from French Prostitutes

The peoples of the world are defined by their ignorances. Some of the peoples of the world have tame ignorances, such as those of the Greeks who used to molest children for sport. Others have very interesting ignorances. For example, the Chinese liked to force their women to wear very tiny shoes so their feet would become deformed, because Chinese men are sexually attracted to women with deformities.

America is the nexus at which the various ignorances of the peoples of the world are brought together in a single unholy writhing mass of ignorance, hatred, bigotry, misogyny, and closed-mindedness. Being a nation of primarily unwashed honkies, America’s ignorances tend towards those of white trash, people who prefer their trucks big and who prefer their women drunk and willing at all times. These are people who hate science, who stone gays, and who hate vegetables, nutritious foods, and anybody who is not also white trash, including liberals, Hispanics, rich people of all kinds, intelligent people, and people who actually know what the hell is going on beyond Big Bubba’s Trailer Park Emporium and the local GMC dealership.

The one group which white trash loves besides other white trash is Jews. White trash loves Jews, or at least those who helped to write the Bible, a book which white trash holds dear in its white trash heart to make all of its decisions. Much white trash prefers to open up a Bible and pick a phrase at random to tell their fortune, in a ritual they refer to as “Bible dipping”. Then they go out and lynch fortune-tellers en masse because fortune-tellers get their powers from the Devil.

Fundamentalist Christians specifically fell in love with Jews, especially the nation of Israel. Israel is fundamentalist Christianity’s friend, because it gives fundamentalist Christians a convenient reason to bomb the shit out of people poorer and worse off than themselves, another white trash hobby. Christians fell so unremittingly in love with Jews, the Bible and fundamentalist religion that they consummated their relations with this religious trinity in an unholy buttsex orgy, resulting in a horrible fusion of all of these things which was so great that we still feel the results today, especially in our cocks.

The following is the story of how circumcision came to be. This story will explain to you why children have their dick skins cut off if they are born in the United States of America, land of the free, home of the ignorant fetid masses of the world.

Here’s why Americans circumcise their children.

Thousands of years ago Jews began to circumcise their children in the name of God. They did this so God would not smite them, or whatever shit people were coming up with back then. If you masturbated or didn’t cut the skin off your penis or had fun while having sex the Jewish God would torture you and kill you and send you to Hell.

Then, Jesus came to life as a corporeal representation of God. Jesus didn’t say dick about circumcision, except that his followers didn’t have to do it. Fuck that part, though, because he’s totally cool with it and such. After all, he was Jewish; he would be cool with the whole dick-skin sawing thing. He was a carpenter. One would assume he circumcised himself with a saw. A big fucking saw. Or a chisel. He probably chiseled his dick-skin off.

Then the Romans took over Christianity so the Jewish God wouldn’t destroy their Empire. The Jewish God destroyed their Empire anyway. He also tortured the Jews for various reasons.

By the early 19th century most people had stopped cutting off their children’s cock skins for various reasons. I have many theories on why this occurred. First off, it didn’t help peasant children work in the fields or work in the mines, and since they were probably going to die before they turned twelve months old it didn’t matter anyway. It’s not like they were going to get to lose their virginity or masturbate or anything. And if they did, who cared? This was Victorian England! Fuck happiness and sexual expression!

Second off, who gives a shit if poor children go to hell? It was the rich that mattered. Cutting off poor children’s dick skins was an unnecessary cost. The poor needed to fuck and fuck and fuck and reproduce like rabbits until the world was full to capacity of stupid children that nobody could take care of, and it wouldn’t matter, because the unnecessary vagina droppings could die of starvation. And all of them could go to hell because they got to keep the twenty thousand nerve endings men have on their cock skin, and after the obligatory hard work for rich white people that don’t give a shit about anybody or anything but themselves it wouldn’t matter. They’d been used. Their purpose was fulfilled. Circumcision was unnecessary.

Then America got to work, and John Harvey Kellogg threw his hat into the ring and decided that circumcision would help keep young boys and men from masturbating. Obviously. You slice skin off a dick and it becomes a little bit harder to get off.

But that’s a good thing! Fuck getting off! It’s not important! What is important is being pure. Meanwhile chugging down alcohol while beating your children and wife and killing brown people in foreign countries and beating black people to death and forcing your lifestyle down the throats of everybody else. Jacking off is the problem. Cooling off with porn after work is bad. Beating your children and wife is the right way to handle stress.

Most people with a brain in their head ignored Kellogg, because corn flakes suck and so did John Harvey Kellogg, who was a lunatic. FUCK JOHN HARVEY KELLOGG AND HIS SHITTY CEREAL.

Seriously.

Anyway, so then we go to war. We blow the everliving shit out of a bunch of European countries who were led around by a lunatic for reasons which have never really been explained. (And those same countries did whatever this lunatic wanted them to, which I’ve also never really understood.)

Our soldiers were fucking left and right throughout all this war. They fucked every Parisian hooker in sight, and get this, they started getting STDs.

Gee, I wonder why.

Maybe if the soldiers kept it in their fucking pants and waited till they got home to their girlfriends, they wouldn’t have had to cut their cock skin off to protect themselves against STDs.

But no, and so they took the Jew route so they wouldn’t get the clap.

This–American troops having unprotected sex with hookers–is the primary reason children are circumcised in America today. GIs brought the practice home with them as a method of decreasing STD transmission. In addition, intact children must have their private parts cleaned thoroughly, and American parents are both too lazy and too prudish to touch a baby’s penis to ensure he doesn’t get a urinary tract infection.

And thus are American children circumcised in the name of Jesus who said his followers didn’t have to get circumcisions, to protect them from hookers and UTIs.

Children who are circumcised never get a choice, never go back, nada. Twenty thousand nerve endings and most of the penis’ sensitivity are out the window with a snip-snip-snip and a whoop-de-doodle. The foreskin can never be replaced. Men that lose it never fully feel sex ever again, and are permanently less sensitive.

In simple terms, the foreskin is what feels most of the secks. Americans started circumcising kids so men couldn’t feel sex and wouldn’t want to have it as much. Period. That’s why Americans circumcise their kids. That’s why Abraham did it, that’s why fundie Christians do it, that’s why it’s done. So men can’t enjoy sex as much and won’t do it anymore.

In frank terms, America doesn’t give a shit. Why should it? We’re talking about a country that considers Coca Cola with high fructose corn syrup to be equal to sugar Coke. These people will never care, because they are desensitized to all outside stimuli, whether it be oral, anal, or penile. So I suppose, keep doing what you’re doing, America. Because you’re Christians. Because you don’t like sex.

Because you know, in your heart of hearts, that your kids are going to go fuck some French hookers.

Sources:

Father Magazine, “The Historical Basis for Child Circumcision in America.” 1996. http://www.fathermag.com/health/circ/historical.shtml

San Francisco Gate. “The Mommy Files: CDC Considers Promoting Circumcision.” August 24, 2009. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfmoms/detail?entry_id=46066 (Yes, it is true, the practice is 60% effective in prevention of HIV. Pbbbbfffh. As you fundies always like to say, the best protection against HIV is abstinence. Isn’t saying circumcision prevents STDs just going to encourage circumcised kids to have more sex?)

American Academy of Pediatrics. Statements on Circumcision and Urinary Tract Infection. http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1477524 (And it will also reduce UTI contraction, from one in every 100 infants to one in every thousand infants. Big deal. I’ll take my chances, thanks.)

NFL is for wussies. Meet MURDERDOME.

I am conflicted with myself on the Michael Vick issue. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, obviously you haven’t been watching football. I know I haven’t. I’m not gay enough to watch it, and I don’t care that much about it either.

There are some guys that seriously care about it, though. Those who like football for more than just the sweaty musclebound ass-kickers and ass-doers, guys that actually care about football, those guys are all up in arms about people who are against Michael Vick.

Yes, there are people out there that are against those that are against a man that is against being against dogfighting. Try pulling that through your head unscathed.

The way I see it, the sidelines are about like this:

  • Those who support Michael Vick: Football fans.
  • Those who do not support Michael Vick: People who do not enjoy murderous, unnecessary violence.

A lot of people are on the sidelines. I am on the sidelines, too. Here’s my problems.

First off, the dogs can go to doggie hell. Clearly the dogs were asking for it. Dogs are violent, sickening creatures that enjoy eating homework and biting mailmen. Who cares about them? I mean, seriously, who can look at these dogs in the picture below and not see violent killers just begging to be tortured and electrocuted to within an inch of their lives?

Clearly, violent killing machines in the making.

Clearly, violent killing machines in the making.

On the other hand, I also hate football fans, and would like nothing more than to see them cry in their beer because their god Michael Vick didn’t get to go back into the NFL. Look, I get that they make my pizza or might one day perform my open heart surgery, but football fans are also the reason they have those lame ass GoDaddy ads with Danica Patrick taking her clothes off, only it doesn’t show the goods because millions of women would get angry that their precious little bundles of joy and spittle and copious amounts of poop and urine (i.e. children)  were subjected to a few minutes of breasts. Well you know what? Screw that. If I feel like looking at naked women I’ll find them on the Internet, on websites that use GoDaddy for their domain names, ironically enough.

You have to remember, if nuclear war broke out during the Super Bowl and the President had to issue an Emergency Action Notification informing his country that they needed to evacuate to the bomb shelters, you would have millions of these people calling for the President’s head. They would rather die in nuclear hellfire than give up their faux-machismo skull-bashing contact sports for a day or two.

So as reasonable as Vick’s actions were, we also must remember that we have to do something, if only to piss off football fans. Also, I do realize that people deserve a second chance, even in America, as tragic as that may be. So, I have decided on a compromise. We allow murderers and dog killers to play in the NFL. However, only murderers and dog killers will be allowed to play in the NFL. Each team member will be issued a prison jumpsuit in their respective team’s color, and they will play without protective padding These team members will play completely naked, for the enjoyment of gays and women. We will allow these murderers, rapists, killers, and torturers to fight for the football in a giant mile-wide pit lined with electric fence and strewn with land mines and shrapnel, which I call the Murderdome. They will be paid five million dollars a year to do this, assuming that they survive the first season.

Then, we behead every member of PETA, impale their heads on spikes and place these in a wide circle around Murderdome, because it would look awesome and reduce the amount of fur coats lost each and every year to red paint. The fighting dogs they fought to save will get their chance to survive. They will be the opposing team, along with grizzly bears, tigers, lions, killer bees, king cobras, and other assorted violent and dangerous animals. The key difference will be that the animals were bred and trained to kill, whereas the murderers and rapists were self-taught.

Let's see what PETA thinks of this.

The cheering section will be comprised of lesbians having orgies on the sidelines. The stands will be the same as they are right now. However, fans will not only be allowed, but encouraged to bring semiautomatic weapons.

Oh yeah, and the ads will all be hardcore pornography. GoDaddy had better hope it can get Danica Patrick to have sex with “Candice Michelle” on TV for all of America to see. Otherwise we’ll have to give their TV spot to someone else.

We need to send a stern message to criminals. We don’t respect people that murder people and dogs and yet can’t survive a day in Murderdome. Grow some cojones, murderers! Especially if the grizzlies tear them off your crotch. If that happens, you’d better hope you can grow some new ones.

That’s my plan for the NFL. I think it’s a great idea, it’ll sell like hotcakes. We can free up our prison system, get killers off the streets and out of the jails, and simultaneously reduce the world’s population, and let’s be honest, this is already what the NFL is, just pussied out and made more “palatable” for  a mainstream, boring audience that can’t take anything truly hardcore. The only problem with the plan will be if human rights or animal rights advocates complain. Then we’ll have to kill them too. We can’t let quibbling details get in the way of a great plan.

I am ready to “talk turkey” and get the ball rolling with executives from the NFL. NFL, are you ready for Murderdome? Because it’s ready for you.

Why do people believe Orly Taitz is serious?

Everybody continues to believe that Orly Taitz is serious. Orly Taitz, of course, is the crazy lady that keeps on saying that dirty negro in the White House Obama was born in Kenya. Because that dirty negro in the White House is a dirty Muslim sand nigger extremist our civil liberties are at stake! HOLY SHIT A BLACK GUY IS IN THE WHITE HOUSE YOU GUYS!!!

Let me reiterate: People believe that a woman supposedly named O RLY seriously believes that Barack Obama is actually a Muslim, and is going to the Supreme Court with a law degree she obtained from an unaccredited school, in order to protect us against a popular President that was elected fairly and with a clear, strong, overwhelming majority vote.

I refuse to believe that this bitch is serious. I believe that this has to be a troll. It just has to be. There is no way all of this shit is seriously real.

Look, I get that everybody thinks that she’s serious, I get that we as a nation have a bunch of retarded rednecks that continue to attack Obama because he’s black, I understand that we have a bunch of even more retarded “birthers” that follow this lady around like she’s the next Messiah, but fuck, I can’t even take Orly “O RLY?” Taitz seriously enough to even believe that she believes the inane bullshit she’s saying.

Before you disagree with me in the comments below, consider the following, provided courtesy of the Something Awful Forums.

Recently Taitz claimed to have a certificate proving Obama’s birth in Kenya, which she supposedly photographed and put on the Internet here. According to the Daily Kos:

  1. The hospital is Coast Provincial General Hospital (sometimes said to be Coast Province General Hospital), not Coast General Hospital.
  2. Kenya was a Dominion the date this certificate was allegedly issued and would not become a republic for 8 months.
  3. Mombasa belonged to Zanzibar when Obama was born, not Kenya.
  4. Obama’s father’s village would be nearer to Nairobi, not Mombasa.
  5. The number 47O44– 47 is Obama’s age when he became president, followed by the letter O (not a zero) followed by 44–he is the 44th president.
  6. EF Lavender is a laundry detergent.
  7. Would a nation with a large number of Muslims actually say “Christian name” (as opposed to name) on the birth certificate?
  8. His father (born in 1961) would have been 24 or 25 when he was born and not 26.
  9. It was called the “Central Nyanza District,” not Nyanza Province. The regions were changed to provinces in 1970.

From Something Awful posters:

  1. The Deputy Registrar is listed as Joshua Simon ODUYA. O DUYA?

And let us not forget that the birth certificate appears to have actually been issued in Australia.

You will notice that the little folds in the paper and its tint are different between the Australian and African legal documents, as well as all important information, but the issue number, book number, registrar’s last name, district registrar’s last name, and the entire design and style of the documents are exactly the same. O RLY? SRSLY.

I cannot believe for the life of me that any person could be such a stupid fucker that they could ever possibly believe this crock of obvious and ridiculous horseshit. The lady’s name is Orly. Stephen Colbert let her on his TV show.

Come the fuck on.

This bitch is obviously a troll. She has to be. This has to be an elaborate satire by an intelligent individual, wherein she persuades a bunch of racist ignorant buffoons from the South to follow her willingly to jump off Bullshit Mountain like a pack of lemmings. Her name, the obviously Photoshopped documents that she claims to have, the ridiculous clues to its fraudulence, I mean come the fuck on, this isn’t rocket science here.

The only other thing I can come up with is that somebody else made it as a joke and gave it to her. This is what the SA forums said, and it makes sense, but it still doesn’t explain the name. The most ironic, ridiculously hilarious name ever given a child. Truly, Orly Taitz has taken the respectable, Hebrew name she was given and thrust it to heights of dull mediocrity and incredible ignorance it never would have had otherwise. You are my light, Orly. Too bad you’re so fuckin’ dim.

And so I continue to believe that Orly Taitz knows exactly what the fuck she’s doing. I know you all believe that she’s just a crazy crackpot, but I don’t. I think she’s doing this to intentionally embarrass and defame the Republicans and oust them as ignorant racist buffoons so obsessed with victory against the Democrats that they’ll basically call a Democrat a dirty Muslim nigger foreigner just to try to oust him. And of course the Republicans played right into it. O RLY? Ya. Srsly.

Blue Sky: The Essence of Terrible

Introduction: A Brief Explanation Regarding Hippie Food Stores

There is a craze sweeping the nation, and this craze is extremely similar to earwigs, in that it is also tunneling through people’s ear canals and eating their brains. The craze is hippie food stores, stores which sell food specifically designed to cater to hippies.

If it were just hippies buying this ridiculous food, there would be no problem. But normal people also buy this food, especially yuppies and the mentally disabled*. Now, this doesn’t really make any sense. One would think that marijuana-deadened hippies would not be the ones you’d want to buy your food from, considering that they were willing to eat ketchup-and-mayonnaise sandwiches back in the sixties. These are people that would be willing to put used cigarette butts on toast and eat the resulting tobacco sandwich if they couldn’t find anything else to eat when they started having their marijuana-induced munchies.

*People that voluntarily eat tofu.

But no. Thousands upon thousands of mentally-challenged yuppies, all over these United States of America, are willing to spend their hard-earned dollars on food chosen by dirty hippies. Naturally (excuse the pun) all of this food is exactly what you would expect it to be. Here’s a rough estimate of what kind of food is stocked at hippie food stores:

  • Food that tastes like shit: 123.5%

As you can see, by my estimates approximately all of the food at hippie food stores tastes like shit. The extra 23.5% is because the food at these stores is so bad that it actually makes food from other stores taste like shit.

Let’s say you buy some food from Albertson’s one day. Very preservative-laden, fatty, and abhorrently unfriendly to the environment. Basically some real good food.

wiccan_hippie_food_storeiv

This is Celestial Raven, owner of Happy Apple Farmer's Market. She would be happy to serve you.

Well, let’s say the next day you buy from Happy Apple Farmer’s Market, run by Celestial Raven, who practices Wicca. She only sells hemp seeds, natural tofu, organic produce, and various spices that are to spice what Phil Collins is to music. She doesn’t want you shopping at Albertson’s. She wants you shopping at Happy Apple Farmer’s Market. So she uses her bizarre Wiccan powers to put a spell on every piece of food she sells. She makes the spell so that it transfers its bland, boring taste to everything around it. She makes sure of this. She is afraid that if only her food tastes like bland nutritious garbage, you’ll stop buying her food.

So if you put Albertson’s food next to food from Happy Apple Farmer’s Market, the latter will make the former taste like salted cardboard. And it’ll cost more, too, due to the spell waves emanating from the food from Happy Apple Farmer’s Market. It’s a very strong Wiccan spell.

Sunflower Market

Hippie food stores take different forms all over the United States. For example, here in Albuquerque they have the “Sunflower Farmer’s Market”, and their slogan is “Serious food, silly prices”.

If by "serious" you mean "shitty", and by "silly" you mean "ludicrously high".

I have tried the “organic” food in Sunflower Market, and I can vouch for the fact that it is some of the most serious food I’ve ever tasted. After all, there is nothing fun about eating it at all.

Sunflower Market pretends to be a cutesy-poo little flower of a food store by adding cute little fonts to everything. Everything has its own font, and a piece of clipart. You go to the produce section, there is a produce font. You get meat, there is a meat font. You want olives, there is an olive font.

If you go to Smith’s, you get food. If you go to Sunflower Market, you get clipart and fonts.

These stores are concentrated around New Mexico, Arizona, Texas, Colorado, Utah, and Nevada, and their central theme is that they try way too hard to be “home-grown, good ol’ nat’ral food” stores. One would think this would mean most of the food would come from near the store (in this case Albuquerque, New Mexico), but no, I go there and most of the food comes from Mexico or California. Most of the food from New Mexico is salsa, on a little shelf off to the corner marked “FOOD GROWN IN NEW MEXICO!”. Thank God. I would not trust Californians to make salsa for me if they were the last Western peoples on earth. They’d probably add habanero peppers and hemp seeds. And then they’d restrict its right to marry the same sex by constitutional amendment.

Blue Sky Soda: The Drink Hippies Like

One of the many products in Sunflower Market that comes from Satan’s asshole California is Blue Sky soda.** I tried their “Organic” root beer, which they call “Root Beer Encore”. It is the most terrible root beer I have ever tasted. It is worse than Barq’s Root Beer, it is worse than drinking Gatorade, it is worse than drinking rhinoceros piss. If you like Blue Sky soda (God help you) I can only assume that your taste buds are burnt off, probably by the habanero peppers you eat in California. Because it is terrible. God is it ever terrible.

**It says “Santa Fe, New Mexico” on the front, but it’s actually made in Corona, California at this point. It actually got sued over this.

Let me write it out in large bold red letters for you:

BLUE SKY “ROOT BEER ENCORE” IS SHIT.

It would be flashing, but I can’t use CSS until I finally find a half-decent webhost. Close enough.

The kind I got was “USDA certified organic”, and had “real cane sugar.” Judging from just the taste of the drinks I’ve yet tasted with actual sugar in them, I would guess that sugarcane is the most disgusting substance on planet Earth, followed closely by high-fructose corn syrup. I mean, seriously, Mexico gets Coca Cola with real sugar, while the closest we can get is Blue Sky “Organic”?

When the version of a soda with sugar in it is more disgusting than the version with high fructose corn syrup, SOMETHING IS WRONG.

Is this some kind of conspiracy or something? Do I have to invade Europe to get some actual sugar in my system without subjecting myself to this disgustingly fruity and tasteless crap?

I guess so. Let’s get some AK-47s from the army surplus store, looks like it’s time to invade Germany again. And possibly Poland. Hey, it might not be nice, but we’d might as well invade Poland. It’s not like the Poles could stop us.

I guess that big American corporations think sugarcane-sweetened carbonated beverages are the kinds of drinks that hippies like. The real sugar must go along well with Doors albums and Volkswagen buses. Good to know.

The Truth About Hippie Food Stores, And Who is Responsible (Aging Baby Boomers)

Like hippies, all of the kinds of foods they sell at “farmer’s markets” are flavorless, bland, and annoying. This food tries to make people feel like they’re making a difference by eating food grown and prepared without preservatives or growth hormones, but all it really does is allow lazy and brainless tools to go through life without doing anything productive or beneficial to the human race.

Frankly, I blame the Baby Boomers. Baby Boomers are just as flavorless, bland and annoying as hippies, and they are equally obsessed with achieving some kind of unobtainable enviro-green future where we all drive recycled hybrid cars and fart oxygen and pixie dust out our asses. Bullshit, I say. Give me a camper trailer. Fuck Toyota Priuses, I want to see the forest, not imprison myself to living in some paved-road shithole subdivision where the people are all pasty-white middle-class zombies and everybody drives environmentally-friendly cars in some kind of surreal dystopia.

Conclusion

EVERYTHING MUST HAVE ITS OWN FONT

EVERYTHING MUST HAVE ITS OWN FONT

I think people who go to these stores think a little too much of themselves, don’t you? I mean, maybe I’m just a moron. Maybe I just can’t appreciate the subtle classiness of buying your Keystone “Light” beer for an extra five dollars at the local “farmer’s market” and buying only foodstuffs that have the words “Natural” and “Organic” emblazoned right on the box in Comic Sans MS font .

But let’s look at the facts. First off, how in the hell is a store like this a “farmer’s market”, anyway? I don’t see any farmers when I go there. Some may have a garden or a couple horses, but I don’t see any farmers peddling their wares anywhere. Hell, I wish they had farmers at the “farmer’s market”. I could buy food from them directly, rather than through a faceless corporation that puts mooing cows on its homepage in a misplaced attempt to appear rustic and homely.

Because let’s face it: These hippie food stores are just big corporate monoliths, and are just like any other supermarket chain. The only difference between a hippie food store and a regular supermarket is that a hippie food store sells organic food at higher prices. Also its board of directors regularly participates in a drum circle. Their conference table may also be shaped like the peace sign.

And while some people may look at all of the peons down below them in the social hierarchy and think how intelligent and classy they are for buying only grain-fed hormone-free free-range naturally-raised humanely-killed organic home-grown all-American wave-the-flag-around-awhile-while-we-roast-this-dead-cow ground beef, we gotta remember that most people don’t buy their food from Albertson’s or Wal-Mart because they want to, it’s because they can’t afford better.

Y’know, I’m not saying Wal-Mart is great. Hey, it’s gigantic and an eyesore and it doesn’t really have every buyable product known to man. Some of its products aren’t great. Sometimes it doesn’t even have the lowest prices.

So we agree: Wal-Mart’s not perfect. But at least it’s honest.

Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett Die on the Same Day

Michael Jackson.

Farah Fawcett.

Whenever two good people have been lost, one a great music artist, one a beautiful actress, people feel a need to grieve, and mourn, without feeling like horrible scumbags.

So I’m going to take what we’re all thinking and just come right out and say it, so we can look at that thought and reflect on it and heal, and hopefully become better people for having our psyches cleaned of our dirty disgusting thoughts.

Here goes:

The world’s most beautiful white woman and the man that most wanted to be a beautiful white woman, have died on the same day.

I apologize for subjecting you all to my horrible machinations. I am a horrible person for thinking something so wicked. I am prepared for your hostilities.

The important thing to remember is that both are now at peace. There shall be no more suffering from cancer for Fawcett, and perhaps Jackson too will be able to rest in peace from his inner demons and mental problems.

And now for the obits:

Jackson had a fascinating life. His early days were quite a thriller, and often completely off-the-wall. Sometimes Jackson seemed downright invincible. Of course, over time things got dangerous, and the child molestation suits were downright bad. Of course, he will always be remembered for his pop music legacy; the entire industry will be forever Michael.

As for Fawcett, she got famous through Charlie’s Angels, where she became well known for her voluptuous extremities (and I don’t mean the off-Broadway play she starred in), not to mention her smile and acting and all that, but mostly, well, you know. For a very long time Hugh Hefner chased her, trying to get her to show her extremities. Finally she relented, and allowed him to show them when she (and they) were about 48. And she also showed her smile, of course. Not so much her acting ability.

She passed of cancer, and yet somehow Hugh Hefner survives her. I don’t get it either.

Anyhow, I hear they’re going to heaven, and some angels will lead their way. Apparently a guy told ’em to come. I hear his name is Charlie.

Rest in peace, you two.