Update: The Worst Lego Series Ever, 2.0

When I first attacked the LEGO company in “The Worst Lego Series Ever”, I wasn’t expecting the incredible response. The two people that commented, one of whom told me I was absolutely right and the other reminding me that plastic pieces don’t rust, enlightened me to a new world, that of LEGO trolling, and reminded me that, in fact, there are a whole hell of a lot of people that really, truly care about plastic bricks with knobs on them.

I wanted to write another one of these pieces (hurrrr pun), because of just how much meaning I took from those two responses, and because I want more people to come to my site because I am a lonely wolf-person. However, I was barred from doing so because of math tests (which I failed) and Spanish tests (which I probably failed), and because LEGO has not sucked as badly since I wrote my piece. As just one example,Knights’ Kingdom is gone shit I checked Lego and it’s still there (dammit), which is a good thing because the knights were getting hacked to pieces with their cardboard shields and overall gayness, especially Danju, the purple one.

Danju Was Gay.

Nevertheless, LEGO’s portfolio is still not without its horrid, seedy parts, the kind where drug dealers indulge your Spongebob Squarepants habit and the like. Without further ado, the awards of the Luigiian’s 2008 Shittiest Lego Series, in proper order:

1. Bionicle. Still sucks.

2. Pirates of the Caribbean:

crap.png

This is a new one to my list, because it’s a Mega Bloks product. Just so those of you who play with these things know, everybody hates you. I know the vast majority of people who visit this site don’t think that they care, but trust me, they hate you. Mega Bloks suck. Trying to play with them is like trying to eat at Wendy’s or Burger King: Utterly unsatisfying, tasteless and bland, especially since they copied off of the original they come from like so many Balto fanfiction authors.

    In this morass of blandness and unoriginality, Mega Bloks naturally used the most famous pirates of all, the Caribbean pirates from the movie, to try to fight against Lego’s pirates. To use yet another simile, this is like pitting U.S. military soldiers against each other: It’s just fucking wrong. Pirates are supposed to be awesome and work with one another to kill all ninjas and those who like ninjas.

    Because of this, the company that makes Mega Bloks should be shut down, and its employees keelhauled and forced to walk the plank. Let’s be honest here, even those of you who think you like Mega Bloks don’t like Mega Bloks, even if you won’t admit it or disagree with me and think I’m mean. It’s just an evil company that’s out to pit pirates against one another and use movie franchises to sell bricks nobody wants.

    3. NeoShifters:

    Sucks Even More

    Bland Bionicle ripoff. Can MegaBloks make anything original? Of course not, because that would require some semblance of originality, and MegaBloks has none. Naturally, in coming up with NeoShifters MegaBloks took the crappiest LEGO series and used its crappy-ass plastic with the most unnatural colors I’ve ever seen to make robots with glowy lazer beams and shit.

    dvandom_image.png

    Its gimmick: Oh, look at me, I can morph into a ball! Congratulations, you have learned what roly-polys have known for fifteen thousand years, and what Samus has known for at least twenty. Too bad for you that Samus is awesome (and let’s not forget incredibly hot when she’s not wearing her massive power suit), whereas you are colored in baby blue with gold bling and are made of Mega Bloks. Can you kill Metroids, plant landmines while rolled up and still be the sexiest video game character of all time, O powerful and unique NeoShifters? I thought not!

    4. Pyrates: Mega Bloks did not feel that it had failed enough simply ripping off Pirates of the Caribbean to shill its crappy toys, so it added to this a second pirate line. Only this one is misspelled, because misspellings can always hide crap. Or not.

    pirate_ass_or_ass_pirate.png

    This one comes up low on my list. I can’t fault Mega Bloks for trying, and they do have the badass lighthouse with the revolving mirror thing on top. That said, when the only nice thing a reviewer can say about your product is “look at this badass revolving mirror thing I could have bought at the dollar store”, you have failed. Even if you disagree with this, LEGO’s Pirates are still better. For one thing, they don’t have weapons holsters that point their guns right at their crotches, like the pirate above does. Can you say no genitalia?

    5. SpiderMan 3:

    Pop Quiz

    There is something unseemly about playtime in Spider-Man’s head. Maybe it’s the subtle suggestion that THE ENTIRE SERIES WAS NOTHING BUT A DREAM OR SOME SHIT, or hinting at Spider-man’s brain being removed so children could be entertained by the empty space in his cranial cavity, but seriously, it’s just creepy. Try again, MegaBloks. And yes, I am judging the entire series by this set. So sue me.

    6. PlasmaVerse:

    bumblebee_lego.png

    According to MegaBloks, “Using a thought-controlled prosthetic arm, Roy–V breaks into the universe’s most secured bunkers undetected. Empathetic to military causes, this no nonsense, pragmatic and authoritative master of explosive technology is quick to trap enemies in his multi-purpose reinforced plasma net.”

    Not mentioned: Transformation porn:

    transformation_porn.png

    Again, MegaBloks, creepy. What is he doing? Is he ripping parts off that monster thing? Is he merging with the monster thing? It boggles the mind. Thankfully, he has a name stupid enough for his mission: Roy-V, a bizarre combination of Roy Rogers and the Saturn V rocket. Canadian Ritvik/Mega Bloks guys, in case you don’t remember, it was The United States that went to the moon, not Canada. Remember? You guys get the freezing cold, we get the badass space rockets. Don’t try to argue, you’ve already failed.

    7. Dragons: Like all MegaBloks sets, this one fails (and offends) a specific race, that is, dragons. Dragons are supposed to breathe fire and kill people. Not the other way around. As just one example, the dragon in Shrek did not die, she instead had sex with the donkey. The human died in the movie, because knights are insufferably smug nancy-boys who don’t bathe and look like Leonardo Di Caprio, and if the dragons don’t kill them the pirates do. MegaBloks reverse this fact, proving that they are both liars and racist against dragons.

    According to MegaBloks:

    In a time of chivalry, heroism, and war, the human Draigar army battles against the monstrous Vorgan army in a race to control precious unrefined dragon plasma that can magically transform weaponry and armor.

    You sick fucks, leave the dragons’ plasma alone, it’s theirs. I don’t care if it removes your insufferable smugness and cheese-like stench, dragons are cool and anybody who tries to take that away from them is committing a sin against both God and man.

    8. Spider-Man and Friends:

    no_just_wrong.png

    No explanation is necessary.

    9. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Chronicles of Narnia is a series that is supposed to teach children about Christianity. Considering this, you’d think Mega Bloks would have a full bevy of toys to both help Jesus and save their immortal souls. You would be wrong. I have here a picture of the Narnia set on MegaBloks’ website. The only one:

    jesus_is_not_impressed.png

    10. Dora The Explorer:

    dora_the_explorer.png

    No.

    All of these LEGO/Mega Blok series suffer from the same damning litany of problems: soulless, bland, banal, boring, and terrible in every measurable way. The PlasmaVerse I mentioned is particularly terrible; calling it LEGOs or Mega Bloks is insulting to the genre, because there’s nothing really there to build. It’s just an action figure with a lightbulb in its belly. In other words, it’s basically a robotic Teletubby, and as terrifying as it sounds, it’s just retarded in practice. Stick the premolded, no-assembly-required arms on, the head on, and you’re done; that’s not Lego, that’s Mr. Potatohead. Legos are cooler than that.

    So there you have it. For 2008, our list is done. Tune back in 2009, when I’ll review Legos again if I still care.

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    Building A Moon-Building In the Anus of New Mexico: A Day in the Life of the Bat People

    There’s just too much to do today.

    I know that, wherever you are right now, you’re probably disagreeing with me. After all, you’re thinking, it’s Spring Break, and that means that you’re slacking your ass off like all of the other buffoons who don’t own massive LEGO cities like I do. You’re all wrong. There’s so much to do, what with building factories that don’t manufacture anything, houses that don’t house anybody, and City Halls that don’t govern anything, that I’ve been having trouble doing the modicum of homework my teachers gave to me so I wouldn’t forget about any of them, ever, throughout my entire Spring Break. In fact, I just got started on it yesterday. Those who say that procrastination is bad have obviously not seen my Cave House.

    Cave House

    Oh, yes. Cave houses are all the rage, especially in Afghanistan, and I felt that my Architecture class was desperately in need of one of these “houses of the cave”, so to speak. Not that it’s made of cave or anything, it’s just built in the mouth of Carlsbad Caverns:

    Map of New Mexico

    Basically, Carlsbad Caverns, a.k.a. “The Vagina Anus of New Mexico”, is cold and uninhabitable, which is similar to Hillary Clinton. Also like Hillary Clinton, Carlsbad Caverns is beloved by women. Unlike Hillary Clinton, however, men also like Carlsbad Caverns, not because it is sexually attractive, but because it is like a challenge, in which one false step could lead to your slipping off of the guardrailed path and being impaled on a stalagmite. Especially if you’re a midget.

    Anyway, I designed my building either to be built at the mouth of the cave or inside the cave. I’m still debating which, because it would change the story. I can either make it so that a young boy decides to enter into the cave and winds up getting lost because of the “impenetrable darkness of the cavaginaanus, which will surely kill all those who attempt to penetrate.”  In this case, the young boy would find the cave not unlike Michael Jackson: terrifying,  similar to a forty-year-old woman in both looks and smell, and creepily quiet. When morning would come, light would come into the cave, and, like Michael Jackson’s latest plastic surgery, would make everything lighter and even creepier, because then he could see all the stalactites and stalagmites and it would appear that everything was about to fall right off of Jackson’s face.

    This scenario sounds really cool in practice. It’s certainly cooler than my other idea, which is to inhabitate the cave with bat-people who can fly and eat mosquitos. In this scenario, nuclear war has killed or mutated the human race, and those left behind must live in caves to thwart the evil atomic fuminess. My building would be their home and worship place. They would worship the sun, which they would call “Swastika”, in respect of the Jews.

    I am still waiting for my Friend-Who-Is-A-Girl to call me, because she is apparently sick and can’t talk or else she just hates me. In the meantime, I’d like to show you to our next place of the lulz:

    Damn You Peter Gabriel

    No, seriously, it’s more furry shit:

    Moar Furry Shit

    Recently, Luigiian Aerospace Command detected an increase in the level of furry hatred in several sectors, specifically, StumbleUpon [here], FurAffinity [here], and the website of noted incestual conservative Jay Naylor’s Better Days [here]. (Use StumbleUpon’s “Reviews of this Page” feature to see fur hate.) Furry hatred levels at David Hopkins’ Jack [here] remain high for March 2008. LAC detected an increase in the level of scientology hatred here and here, but declined to begin retaliatory measures because, frankly, scientology scares the shit out of Luigiian Aerospace Command.

    Let it be known from here on out that this site neither applauds nor condemns the actions of those who either hate or love the fur. However, this site does like the lulz, and there is nothing funnier than indulging in an Internet flame war with retards. There are lots of places you can go to start massive trolling wars throughout the Internet for great justice. They are as follows:

    1. Encyclopedia Dramatica (the place for Internet drama): http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com 
    2. Fur Affinity (the place for furries): http://www.furaffinity.net
    3. Something Awful (the place for aspie furry haters): http://www.somethingawful.com

    I can see the light and the heat, and I definitely want to touch the light I see in your eyes, but not like Michael Jackson. So troll the fuck out of everybody on these sites, but only if you’re old enough to know what I’m talking about, and only if you’re serious about this. Otherwise, you’ll just look like a dumb pussy, and The Luigiian disowns all those who try to follow the lulzy way and fail. I will not take the fall for your screwups.

    In the meantime, you know what to do. The resolution to a thousand endless searches, the doorway to a thousand churches, is in your eyes. Peter Gabriel sends you on this quest.

    May the lulz be with you. And watch out for Michael Jackson.

    A-BATS And Rabid Fans: A Glimpse Into The Days Of Lego Scheduling

    Lupe’s Thoughts

    A lot of people who come to this site think it’s easy to be funny, week after week, even when your mother has a huge rash on her leg and you are afraid that you are not going to get your Legos on time. It’s not, people. It’s a skilled craft in which, for no money, you are required to sit down and watch people be stupid, and then make fun of them. You cannot, for example, simply get humor from a pickup truck.

    No Matter How Hard You Try

    I learned this by accident. My girlfriend, here meaning “friend that is a girl” because my friend that is a girl told me that is what she is, asked me what great laughter-inducing pablum I was going to write this week, and I said I was going to write about the Toyota A-BAT, which is a truck so ugly that its looks could be improved by falling down the ugly tree a couple more times. In fact, this truck is so ugly that, as it was falling down the ugly tree, it fell right through the Earth into the tree’s ugly branches, then broke through those branches and plummeted straight into Ugly Hell, where Ugly Satan poked at it for several thousand years with his Ugly Pitchfork. Then, when he was done, he ate it, shat it out, and as it fell to the floor of Ugly Hell it crashed right through to another ugly tree in Japan (it happened to be a bonsai tree, by the way) which is where two Toyota designers, Ian Cartabiano and Matt Sperling, found it. They then went back to California, where they hosed it off and presented it as a pickup truck.

    Sorry, Still Doesn’t Work.

    Now, this to me is funny as hell. I think that, if any man, woman or child actually saw this vehicle parked outside their house, they would burst out laughing, and would not stop laughing until several minutes later. Then, they would set the truck on fire, laughing and dancing and circling around its burning embers, until every last bit of it was gone.

    Or, at least, this is what I thought, but naturally I was wrong. As it turns out, there are people out there that love the Toyota A-BAT. I am terrified of these people. I think that they are demons.

    But so anyway, my girlfriend/friend that is a girl has told me I write too much about pickup trucks, so I’ve been wracking my brains trying to figure out what the hell I am going to write about instead. I mean, it isn’t just like I can make fun of people farting on Saint Patrick’s Day because of all the corned beef and cabbage they ate. I have to come up with something funny now. This is made all the more difficult by my Lego schedule and my mother’s leg rash.

    It is made even more difficult by the ceiling fan in my room. Day after day, I watch this ceiling fan like a hawk with Down’s Syndrome, because I am afraid of it. It spins and rocks back and forth on this pivot, and I am convinced that one of these days it is going to fall right down from the roof and kill somebody. Fans love to do this. They seek out unsuspecting victims who they can murder.

    Death Fan

    Speaking of fans, I have also found yet another fan that hides in ceilings to kill people. Her name is Annath, and she is a rabid fan of the comic TwoKinds, the premiere lulz-inducing furry comic of our day. She has stalked me out, writing me long-winded comments about how TwoKinds is not a furry comic (it is) or how I haven’t actually read the comic (I have, at least all the parts where the tiger girl and the wolf girl get naked and “yiff” each other while their boyfriends videotape the sexiness of the situation). It is clear to me that me and Annath simply have different views.

    My view: YIFF YIFF YIFF SEX SEX SEX NAKED NAKED NAKED PLEASE POST NAKED PICTURES OF FLORA AND NATANI ON FCHAN PLZ K THX MISTER FISCHBACH!!!1

    Annath’s view: Oh, look at this cute little webcomic, with the little tigers and woofy-woofies and such! Oh, I very much like this webcomic and I HEY YOU PERVERT STOP ASKING FOR NAKED PICTURES OF ANIMAL CHARACTERS!!!1

    So, to me the answer is simple; namely, Tom Fischbach should send me naked pictures of his animal characters and not tell Annath about it. Unfortunately, in this liberal-minded day and age it is simply not possible for a person such as myself to obtain animal-related cartoon pornography, even if these animals are cute and sexy like Natani and Flora and appear to have incredibly soft and luscious fur. Also, they are slaves.

    Note: Annath says specifically that they are not slaves.

    So until next week, remember: I will keep on posting stupid shit about furries and deadly ceiling fans and leg rashes until I come up with something funny. Until then, you can be rest assured that I will continue to ruin my own website until it is so horrifically unfunny that it is as unreadable as a Livejournal. Until then, good night and good luck.

    And watch out for ceiling fans. Especially Annath.

    Bilingual Luigiian: Paying For College With Ameros

    THINK lightbulb

    I apologize to my loyal readers.

    In case you haven’t heard, I failed a Spanish test last week (February 29th), a test that, as my Spanish teacher put it, “isn’t like an IQ test.”

    “Don’t worry, you can always fix your grade”, my teacher said.

    Unfortunately, my Spanish teacher doesn’t see the writing on the wall. This is representative of a concerted conspiracy effort by the University of New Mexico to deny me my hard-earned scholarship, because the Dean of Students at this school is evil and probably worships Satan when he isn’t helping local Marines burn the Mexican flag. If you’ll recall, I recently wrote about another conspiracy going on at my school involving America Ferrara and Hillary Clinton, in which the toilets at UNM would spontaneously transform into a robot with magic powers who would fix Gov. Bill Richardson’s (D-NM) plumbing. This time, the conspiracy is different, but the reason for it is even more different. Basically, what they’re doing is giving me a bunch of Godawful classes they know I’ll fail so that they won’t have to pay me scholarships and can force me to PAY FOR SCHOOL. It’s a practice so Un-American that you’d think the North American Union had planned it.

    north american union

    Don’t believe me? Consider the facts:

    1. My Architecture teacher made OUR ENTIRE CLASS finish a project wherein we were to make a tool transform into an insect.
    2. Insects are disgusting, malformed little mutant creatures whose only identifiable purpose is to be used as fishing bait.
    3. All the lines in the drawings had to be PERFECT, which pissed everyone off.
    4. My math teacher is from Bolivia.
    5. I can’t understand a word he says.
    6. Nobody else can understand a word he says either.
    7. He can’t even understand a word he says, or else he wouldn’t be going over the exact same calculus problem every time we come into class.
    8. Physics is boring.
    9. I can’t understand a word my Physics lab teacher is saying either.

    So basically, all of my classes suck ass. What I haven’t explained yet is why I am apologizing to you, my loyal readers. You see, it is important for somebody who writes a blog, even if he happens to write his blog in English, to be bilingual. You never know when a hispanohablante is going to wind up putting dry ice in his anus, or steal tacos, or see the Virgin Mary in his sushi, and if that day ever comes, I need to be there, keyboard at the ready, to ask the important questions, like exactly what his expression was when the Butt-Burner Maneuver was performed, what flavor the tacos were, and whether I can have the rest of the sushi. I’m assuming here he’ll be eating summer rolls.

    So yeah. I’m sorry I did bad on my Spanish test. I’ll work harder next time. Until then, you’ll have to be contented with my monolingual website the way it is. And if I have to pay for school next year, you can bet I’ll be doing it, because school is important to my future.

    Also because I use Ameros.