TwoKinds of People, One Kind Of Webcomic… “Unique”

Webcomic: TwoKinds (http://www.2kinds.com)

I’ve seen a lot of webcomics in my time writing for this site. Reading through the archives of Lackadaisy Cats, Penny Arcade, Megatokyo, VGCats, and the like has given me a pretty good inkling of when the comic-like photons entering my eyeballs are good, and when they are really, really bad, and when they’re somewhere in between. Even with this healthy webcomic knowledge, an appreciation for the artistic creativity which is melded into each and every webcomic that permeates our vast, teeming Internets, there are still webcomics so… “unique” and “avant-garde” and “extra-special” that, in many cases, it is impossible to define, or even attempt to explain, the creator’s impulses.

TwoKinds is one of these webcomics. Now, this particular piece is made by an Asian man named Tom Fischbach, and, to commemorate his Asianness, his webcomic is all animu, all the time. For example, he has really child-looking twenty-four year old guys with no facial hair whatsoever, catgirls, wolf-girls, some human girls, and naturally the occasional awkward male nude scene for comic relief. (Also, to get a better idea of what Fischbach was thinking of when he drew that last nude panel, see here.) This is classic animu, and it fills me with pride to see an Asian man who lives in the United States use an Asian medium simply because he’s Asian, and Asian things are intrinsically cool. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside that makes me vibrate uncontrollably as I clench my fists and scream at my computer screen. Can you feel that feeling? Yes, it’s that same exact feeling you get when you see some random white dude wearing an Inuyasha T-shirt and eating pocky in your Computer Science class.

Impressively for a webcomic of this caliber, Fischbach’s catgirls and wolf-girls are not your average, run of the mill wolf-girls and catgirls. In fact, they are actual cats and wolves, making this animu especially unique. For example, you have Natani, who is actually a wolf that looks like a girl, and Flora, who is actually a tiger that looks like a girl, kind of. In fact, they even have animal-like ages; the animal-girls in this webcomic really only live into their twenties, just like real tigers and wolves. This makes the alluded-to sex scenes between the animal-girl and random animu white dude Trace Legacy especially unique and avant-garde, in the same exact way that Mr. Hands was unique and avant-garde. People who say having sex with animals is wrong just need to grow the fuck up.

But I digress. Whenever this comic isn’t smashing down barriers for anthropomorphic animal sex, it’s bringing to the fore real-life (and highly intelligent!) themes of racial tolerance. As Fischbach puts it, “I was inspired to write Twokinds after having experienced a lot of racial discrimination from kids at my school, who were predominently white.” As examples of the unique ways Fischbach’s comic tackles racism, all of its human characters are white, while its Keidran animal people are slaves regarded as “savages” and its Basitin weird-thing people are all fastidious creatures who are willing to make huge sacrifices for their nation and their superiors. As Fischbach puts it in his “About TwoKinds” section,

Basitins are a little-known race of bipedal, long-eared, brown-furred, sentient animals. Unlike the other two races, the Basitins live off the mainland on a distant island-continent. Due to their isolation, they are often forgotten by the other two races and left to their own devices. They are a warrior race, with a society solely consisting of solders. They behave in a hive-like manner, following orders of superiors without question. They are usually even-tempered and disciplined.

In fact, I’d go so far as to say that the Basitin probably eat raw fish and rice and pronounce things with “r” sounds as “l’s” and vice-versa and would probably even make highly reliable small cars and suicide-bomb the humans’ naval warships with their highly-powerful aircraft if any of these things existed. And the Keidran probably like watermelons and fried chicken, according to Fischbach anyway. This is the kind of subtle racial message being sent by TwoKinds. To add to this message, all of the Keidrans are moved about in slave-ships and have their villages destroyed by the “baka gaijin roundeye” humans.

Being the racially-sensitive, open-minded guy Fischbach is, he knows that black people who were slaves eventually grew to love their masters. This is why all the Keidran slaves he has in his comic love their masters, too.

“Her parents were killed and she was sold into slavery. Flora was lucky enough to be purchased by a friendly human family, who treated her more like a daughter then a slave. Thus, Flora recalls her days of slavery with an unusual fondness.” (Source: Characters page at 2kinds.com)

“Kathrin was selectively bred from several generations of Keidran slaves in order to be more physically appealing to humans. Ironically, despite being designed to be a sex slave, Kathrin is incredibly naive when it comes to sex. Eric gives her much more freedom than his other slaves, but she genuinely enjoys serving him.” (Source: Characters page at 2kinds.com)

Clearly, Tom Fischbach knows a lot about slavery.

Of course, webcomics are supposed to be fun, and Fischbach makes certain that, if you love gender-changing, tranforming, anthropomorphic animals, you’ll love TwoKinds. Two of his main characters are transsexuals. Most of the animal characters are female, and they’re almost always naked (and they love being naked, and they talk about how absolutely naked they are, all the time!) How truly wonderful it is for Fischbach’s animals to be naked and free, and to have the ability to talk to, and have sex with, humans.

You can tell Fischbach and his fans are happy about this too. Because, after you’re finished with reading TwoKinds, you can get a DeviantArt account and check out his absolutely stunning characters in erotic poses! I’ve listed just a few below:

http://twokinds.deviantart.com/art/Nekked-Euchre-wolf-style-32387478

http://twokinds.deviantart.com/art/Hey-what-are-you-looking-at-25553533

http://twokinds.deviantart.com/art/Getting-into-Flora-s-pants-47947055

http://twokinds.deviantart.com/art/What-Are-You-Looking-At-64139608

http://twokinds.deviantart.com/art/Snake-Lady-46189197

Clearly, Fischbach knows sex. And so does his cat, whose name is, I’m guessing, Flora. And, as you might expect, he has a huge fanbase that just loves his deviant art and furry comic. The critics rave!

“graphically stunning! story seems a tad slow but that might come from reading 1 page a week tops.” –robinmdh

“YIFF IN HELL FURFAGS” –xsutures

“That was quite possibly the most moronic thing anyone has ever said XSutures. Anyway, it’s a great comic, I really recommend you read it.” –darwin2k

“Please disregard LuigiM’s comment, as it’s obvious that he hasn’t actually read the comic.” –Annath32

“I thought there was only one sex scene. . . and it only lasted 1 or 2 panels. You can not compare Two Kinds to porn, that is simply ridiculous. By the way, just because it has furries in it does not make it horrible, to be honest, I f**king hate furries. Not the animated ones, but the human obsessed creeps who think it’s a life-style.” –Neoscryer

I have never seen a single furry comic with this much sex in it. This literally has more sex, more nudity, more sex scenes, more suggestive dialogue, and more transgender/transspecies/anthropomorphic bestiality porn than any other non-pornographic furry comic I have ever seen. It is a furry comic, it is a terrible animu comic, and it sucks.” –LuigiM

Just look at who likes it!TwoKinds Fans


So, as you can see, there’s no reason not to like TwoKinds. It’s the most avant-garde webcomic on the Internet! I’ve never seen a comic with plotline and writing and sexuality of this caliber with such wonderful art. So check out TwoKinds today!

Mr. Hands will be joining you, by the way.

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Fighting Communism With the Taco Bandito

Recently I came to receive a beautiful thing from God, a wonderful, beautiful, kind of pretty thing that I have been searching for for many years, if not several decades. So yeah, basically I found a girlfriend.

Those I know and those who love me have reacted to this unprecedented miracle in the way only they know how: complete, outright apathy. Also a demand for pictures, actually. Considering how many people have asked to see her picture in the past two weeks alone, you’d think I’d seen an alien spacecraft, or at least Elvis Presley, possibly riding on an alien spacecraft.

The only person I know of who is not reacting to this event with apathy is my friend Frank, who, instead of not caring, has decided to kill himself. Frank has believed for many years that I am The World’s Most Virginal Virgin Who Nobody Would Date Even if Hell Froze Over and I Was The Last Living Human Being On Earth; for Frank, the fact that I have found a girlfriend, before he could, is proof that God is conspiring against him, and that soon God will also take away his Doctor Who video tapes, which for Frank is the equivalent of being deprived of vital organs.

My girlfriend comes from the Land Of Bulgaria, which for all intents and purposes had might as well have been named “New Russia” except that it was owned by rich Arabs at the time. She is very sweet and pretty and also apparently a bit of a Communist, as evidenced by the fact that she likes Michael Moore. This is fine with me. I do not mind Communism. I feel that if Communism would take over the world, it would only create more hunger and violence and oppression and racism and bigotry and death, and if more people were to die in these ways, it would reduce the line to get on the freeway in the mornings when it’s thirty five degrees outside and I want to go back to sleep. So screw democracy. Democracy can kiss my fat stupid American ass.

(Note: Ass is covered by red, white and blue striped underpants. I think. I didn’t really have time to check before I thought this sentence through.)

Anyway, while I’ve been dating Olga apparently other things have been happening, like my math test tomorrow but I think that we can all agree that nobody cares so forget I even mentioned it. More specifically, I’m thinking about El Taco Bandito.

Riding Through The Night

Farting All the Way

The Great Taco Bandito Shall

Steal Our Tacos Today

The Taco Bandito is a man who was apparently very hungry, because he stole twenty dollars worth of tacos from a man he encountered on the street. According to SomethingAwful forum poster “JD”, who coincidentally has my initials, a local news outlet in his area (apparently someplace named “Fontana”) reported about a man who snuck up on a bicyclist. According to the article:

The victim, a 35-year-old Fontana man, had just bought about $20 in tacos from a stand at San Bernardino and Fontana avenues and was riding home when the bandit confronted him. “He approached him from behind, saying, `Give me your tacos,”‘ said police Sgt. Jeff Decker. “He grabbed the bag of tacos, punched him in the face and began to flee.”

The victim demanded his tacos back when they were taken.

“The suspect then pointed what appeared to be a black handgun at the victim,” Decker said.

Judging by the article, we clearly have a situation where the bicyclist was at fault. People riding bicycles do not have rights, if they did then they would buy a car. But the situation goes deeper. Ladies and gentlemen of America, we now have new reason to not sleep at night; one that goes much deeper than being able to feed our families or freedom and happiness. There is a man out there, stalking out helpless bicyclists, and stealing their tacos from right under their large, dirty bicyclist noses. There is only one solution. It is time for Communism.

Assuming I see you in traffic tomorrow.

Uncovering A Conspiracy, Using Only My Wolf Shirt and All of My Cameraphone’s Memory

In America today, there are many problems that must be handled, and many conspiracy theories surrounding those problems. For example, in September 2001 a terrorist attack on the World Trade Center was followed with conspiracy theories. Apparently, people believed that bombs had been placed in airplanes, and other Americans, being the understanding individuals they are, beat these theorists to death with their own shoes, thus meaning that these theories were all lies. This is usually the way that conspiracy theories work.

However, I have uncovered a conspiracy at my university.

And it is real.

Here are the clues with which I uncovered the truth of a horrible, horrible conspiracy which is taking place at the University of New Mexico. It has not yet been uncovered because our faculty, staff, and students are too busy dressing up in wolf suits and running around humping the local trees. Or at least, if they’re anything like me that’s what they’re doing.

Clue #1: Vampire people.

My day began simply enough. I spent the morning not finding a girlfriend, as usual, when I decided to get a breakfast burrito. There, a woman asked me if I’d like to “donate” blood on Wednesday.

I then ran away in a calm manner, but not before asking myself: Just what would a cute, petite Asian girl be doing with my proud human blood? Clearly, nothing good can come of this, I thought to myself. Then I realized there was only one possible reason that anybody would want my blood: They are vampires, and they are hungry. Hungry vampires drink blood. Therefore, ipso facto, if somebody asks for my blood, they’re a vampire. I considered watching her all morning to see if she turned into a bat, but she somehow disappeared. Which leads me to my next point:

Clue #2: Teleporting backpacks and people.

Teleporting People and Backpacks

I finished my burrito and headed to my first class. There, I decided to use the restroom, and left my backpack with a girl I had known from our Orientation ceremony, wherein we were savagely forced to bark like pretend wolves and were indoctrinated with the horrors of date rape and the University’s cafeteria before we were allowed to attend college. When I returned, she–AND THE BACKPACK–had moved.

“Oh yeah, I teleported your backpack here,” she said when I inquired into her unusual movements.

And that wasn’t even the scariest part.

Clue #3: Toilets, sinks and urinals that flush as the user leaves.

This truly, truly terrified me, more than anything else I’d seen today. As I used the restroom, I was about to flush the toilet as I always do. But then, the toilet flushed on its own.

When I used my poor, depressing University’s sinks, they started on their own, and stopped when I removed my hands from the washbasin.

Sink

And the urinals, my God, they did the exact same thing as the toilets.

Urinal

WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE SEE WITH YOUR EYES?!

Yet, as frightened as I was, worse was yet to come.

Clue #4: Some kind of strange homosexual indoctrination club.

Queer-Straight Alliance!?

Apparently, some kind of “alliance” is being formed by people who I don’t know, and those people apparently like turquoise, orange and red colors. I sighted numerous strange messages from this “Queer Str8” club, and for some reason these people feel the need to spell their words with numbers instead of syllables. Many questions remain in these strange messages. For example, what do these people mean my the noun “Amigo”? Do they mean that they come in peace, and thus see us as “Amigos”? Or is this the name of their evil leader, who uses the name as an oxymoron like General Specific from the cartoon Sheep in the Big City? Who knows.

Gay?

And I had thought that my lesbian friend “Dessie” was just being friendly, but no. I’ll bet she’s trying to indoctrinate me into her club, like Scientologists! Terrifying. These developments make me cringe, very seriously, because I am very serious as I write this long-winded narrative.

Yet there was but one more clue. The most hideous of them all:

Clue #5: America Ferrara is supporting Hillary Clinton!!!1

I know, I know. I was shocked, appalled, to find this out. I was out to see Ms. Ferrara, or “Ugly Betty” as she is known on the information box, because she is the only actress that I actually find attractive and cute.

When there, the pieces fell into place. Hundreds of girls, and a dozen males, all of them mildly homosexual, were cheering on Betty, as she trumpeted Clinton’s devil plans for destroying AmeriKKKa. Abolishing the FAFSA, making students’ lives better, I looked upon this horrific scene in the kind of horror one only looks upon a scene in if it is horrific.

As my poor friend Shari left this, she said that her “girl crush” on Ferrara was “complete”.

I realized at this point that the terrorists had won. Then I went to get a picture with America, who was very short and sweet, I might add. Both times, my camera didn’t work, clearly due to the demon rays Clinton had imparted upon Ms. Ferrara. Then I went home crying to myself, but this did not stop me from getting a picture of her as she was speaking on stage, along with at least fifty other people:

Ugly Betty with Hillary Clinton

Thus, I had painted my picture of this terrible conspiracy. It goes like this:

  1. The terrorists, backed by Hillary Clinton, the “Queer Str8” Alliance, America Ferrara, Scientology, and the American Association of Vampires (AAV), is planning to teleport the entire University of New Mexico to New York City, where it will be used to replace the World Trade Center, which was destroyed by the United States Government for this specific purpose.
  2. Cute Asian girls (and Ferrara) will be used to lure myself into a trap where I will be turned into a wolf, because they know that that is my absolute secretest desire and it will stop me from ruining their plans.
  3. Max Headroom will probably be involved. For example, the guy that dressed up as Max Headroom and hijacked the PBS station in Chicago during an episode of Doctor Who and got spanked with a flyswatter will probably do something bad.
  4. Then, aliens will come to New Mexico to destroy the state, using warships clad in turquoise, orange and red colors.
  5. Toilets, sinks and urinals will be unaffected, excepting that they will spontaneously come to life and be transformed into “ToiletZord”, a massive robot made of porcelain and plumber’s helpers. He will help fix Gov. Bill Richardson (D-NM)’s toilet.
  6. I will bite some dude in the ass using my wolf teeth for comic relief.

So there you have it, Hillary Clinton is backing terrorists. This will not stop me from voting for her tomorrow, because I know that she’ll probably have Richardson as vice president, and he will stop this madness.

Please, Bill Richardson, stop this madness.

AmeriKKKa is counting on you.