Planet Earth 2008: Living With the Chimpanzees

(Guns N’ Roses, “Welcome to the Jungle”, 1987)

Y’know, sometimes I get tired of living in America. It isn’t the recession; living as a wolf-person for so many years, I know that of all the horrible things that can happen from starvation to cancer to AIDS, not being able to buy a brand new super duper deluxe sized McMansion with fifty bedrooms and six Ferarris ranks low on the list. No, my real problem with America is that it’s filled with chimps. Monkeys. Baboons. Orangutans. Various types of obnoxious monkeys just waiting to get on a plane in Alaska so they can kill all the caribou and wolves in sight.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing necessarily bad about being a hominid, except that it makes you a monkey. A shit throwing monkey. A monkey that likes to eat feces and throw it at other monkeys. That’s what you are, a crap-throwing, half-done obnoxious stupid chimpanzee.

That likes to throw things at other chimpanzees.

You chimps get on my nerves, that’s all I’m saying. You have to kill all the other species that you decide you don’t like. And as replacement for all the tigers and wolves and leopards and elephants that you murder and slaughter, you give us more of yourselves.

America: Land of the free, home of the chimps.

Or: Planet Earth: Land of the carbon-based lifeforms, home of the shit-throwing monkeys.

Oh, but you love cows! You love their fat ugly stupid asses. Probably because they remind you of yourselves, you fat stupid ignorant racist cows. You make millions of them. You worship them in India, and nearly do so in America. You feed them all the grains and grasses they could ever want so you can shoot them in the head and put their corpses on an assembly line. Then, you use chainsaws and big knives to rip all their skin off, and then you rip off their meat–but only the meat you want–and then you grind up the stuff you don’t want and you feed it back to the cows, because vegetarian animals can just suck it up and eat meat like your fat lazy ass. Do you have a boner yet? Eat it up! Because you will never be good for anything. The various chemicals they’ll put in your bodies after you die mean even maggots will choke on your toxic, worthless corpse.

You are a component in a machine composed of over 300,000,000 chimpanzees created so 5,000 chimpanzees can fly around an insignificant rock in an insignificant solar system and feel more important than they really are. That’s your importance in the grand scheme of things.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate you, I just get sick of seeing nothing but chimpanzees. Chimps at the grocery store. Chimps at school, chimps at home, chimps on TV. Chimps in hot-air balloons. Chimps screaming about emotions and fathers and shooting up post offices and schools. Chimps drawing pictures of chimps with fangs and claws and wings and fifty penises. Chimps wearing clothing. Basically, when I look at Earth I see a rock inhabited by mentally-deranged chimps.

But I’m not upset! I love you, you crazy half-deranged chimpanzee people! You’re totally cool, and I like having my own car, toilet, Lego city, etcetera, which would not be possible without your opposable thumbs and insatiable need to defecate. All I ask is that you stop putting yourselves above other animals and realize you are one. You say you’re better than a wolf, but are you really? Let’s look at the facts:

The Facts:

Wolves eat their young, like the sensible creatures they are. Humans don’t. Advantage: Wolf

Wolves don’t circumcise their females. Advantage: Wolf

Wolves don’t make nuclear weapons so they can kill themselves and all other life on Earth. Advantage: Wolf

Wolves don’t feel insecure about having a small penis. Advantage: Wolf

And so on. I could go on, but I realize then you’d kill yourself in disgust of your species, because you are a deranged chimpanzee.

So, anyway, chimpanzee-people, I have this to say: You really need to get off your high horses. Also diversify. Of the people I know, the ones who are most interesting are also the ones that are least interested in having children. Like, one’s a lesbian, and the other wants to get her tubes tied. This isn’t fair. I don’t want to live on Planet of the Boring Apes. I want to live with unique people who have an interest in music made before 2003 and who don’t go to Myspace to find their Internet. I want to live with gray people, also possibly beige or mahoghany. Wolf-people would be nice too. Of course, they’d probably eat all their young, so it would be a short-lived species, but who cares?

I want to have a girlfriend who looks vaguely like a chipmunk. Buck teeth, red hair, slight belly. This is a very rare combination, to my knowledge. You should make more of them. Also more squirrel-girls.

And of course it shouldn’t have to be mentioned that we need more kangaroos. I don’t care how you do it, make more of them. They’re awesome.

You should also let wolves eat more of your children, specifically the slow and the weak. Oh, I know, it’s not a nice thing to say, but it’s the truth.

Finally, I would like to ask that you humans make a werewolf costume that looks like a wolf. I go to the Halloween shops, and all I see are monster-looking wolf masks. Wolves are beautiful, far more beautiful than you could ever be. I know you’re just jealous of their awesomeness, but seriously, you’ve got to stop the cycle of hate. Realize you’re a lesser animal than a wolf, get over yourself, and we can all be a lot better off. Even if Kim Jong Il is still here.

If you’re still reading, thanks, and I hope I imparted you with some knowledge. Now, I must go off to fetch some candy.