A Profound Commentary on Racism in America, or Something

Whether we know it or not, keeping animals really is a form of slavery.

I know, I know, you love your cats, and your cats love you, and they snuggle with you in bed as you go to sleep at night.

But ask yourself this: Does that make it any less a form of slavery?

I mean, think about it. Way back in the olden days, when men were men and women were beaten, I’m sure many slaves snuggled with their masters. I mean, we already know Thomas Jefferson snuggled with his slaves. Think of the implications! Clearly black people screwing with white people is exactly the same as cats snuggling with you.

And animal slavery is predicated on the exact same excuse as black people slavery was. People said the blacks were better off as slaves. They said black people were less capable and less smart than white people.

And what do we say about animals today? That they’re less capable and less smart than people. White people. We have the black people drive our buses and fold our laundry. See? That’s racism.

And, of course, we have black people take our animals. Brings ’em closer to what they once were: You know, slaves. It has nothing to do with the fact that rich white people don’t want to give up the power and influence they’ve kept from blacks for generations.

I’ll give you an example that I think perfectly illustrates what I’m talking about. Recently my family got into the cat-catching business. They were stalking around our yard, eating and fucking and eating and fucking some more, and we decided enough was enough, and decided to catch them. Now, white cats and white people are exactly the same. It’s true, white cats are just as smart as white people, if not smarter. Same with black cats and black people. Which means that black people are an omen of bad luck if they cross your path. And white cats are boring Protestants who like to play golf and tennis and work way too hard.

And let’s not even get started on brown cats and yellow cats, except that the former like fish tacos and the latter like sushi. Try it. I guarantee if you put out sushi yellow cats will come and if you put out fish tacos brown cats will. You think I’m crazy. Try it. Color-based stereotypes work regardless of age, gender, or species.

Now, white cats and black cats and yellow cats and brown cats are all equally smart. I think we all agree with this. Fur color has nothing to do with anything, most cats are really about the same thought-wise and you can find an equal amount of stupid white cats as stupid black cats. Fur is very similar to skin, in that both serve only to protect the body. But skin color is naturally important, whereas fur color is not. According to some people, anyway. Some people think that hair color is important, but fur color is not. But fur and hair are exactly the same. It’s just that hair is something humans have whereas animals have fur. All animals are inferior to humans. Therefore it doesn’t matter what color their fur is. They all just suck equally.

Except for dolphins, which have no hair and are the smartest. According to racial logic, that means bald humans are the smartest.

Anyway, the cats all got into the cage except for the white kittens. I don’t know why. I think it’s because they were kittens and couldn’t find food for themselves. Hitler would argue that their proud Aryan blood would be corrupted if they ate mongrel food, such as you find in a cage. He would check to see if they had blue eyes and blond fur and would argue that these traits will determine whether these white cats make up the master cat race. Nathan Forrest would argue that the white cats should dress up as ghosts of Confederate cats and place burning crosses in front of black cats’ houses.

I’m still trying to find the kittens, because I’m scared for them. They can’t live on their own. They’re fucking kittens, duh. But they are fascinating creatures, aren’t they?

One of these days aliens are going to come to earth. Picture them in your mind’s eye. They’re green things, looking sort of like Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama only green and with tentacles instead of claw hands.

Now, pretend it’s the year 2012, and the Mayans were right and all the dates were correct and the clock is resetting and therefore the aliens who know of us (a race known as Zorbonians) are coming back to get us. They helped build the Pyramids, and they’re coming back to collect. OK?

Now, unlike us humans, the aliens had a different set of traits. Their planet was differently designed. OK? Picture this. They are exactly the same as us intellectually, except for a few things.

They have far more diseases than we do. They have an alien disease that causes boils to form on the sufferer. The victim dies of excruciating pain quickly. But the aliens have developed genetic immunities to this disease.

In addition, their planet, Zorbon, was differently aligned. Our planets’ continents are arranged more North-South. There’s a huge ocean between the eastern and western hemispheres on our planet, where instead of having one solid cluster of continents we have two big huge ones in the Western hemisphere, one in the southeast, one sort of in the middle of all of these and one big horizontal one, and the latter is the one where most civilization started, mostly in the middle.

Whereas the aliens’ planet has one big solid cluster of continents, like Pangaea, only very much centered near the Equator of the planet. This makes it far easier for the aliens to move crops from one region to another, because most of the middle of this continent is all of about the same temperature, and therefore they don’t have to worry about planting corn in the different temperatures of Mexico and Wisconsin or whatever. Their primary crops encompass cereals, leafy greens, legumes, and starches even from the outset of the creation of their civilization, and therefore most of these regions have peoples with good nutrition. Because of their extraordinarily good luck, they are able to develop without any sort of malnutrition.

Because they didn’t have to worry as much about starving to death, they were able to find other ways to kill themselves. They developed bows and arrows extraordinarily quickly, and then moved immediately to guns and cannons, and then nuclear weapons, and then ray guns. In half the time it took us to develop atomic weapons, these aliens developed weapons capable of destroying entire planets.

Got that? So they’ve got deadly diseases that other species can contract, and the continental architecture of their planet is far superior to our own. They got Le Corbusier to design their planet, whereas we got Chucklesworth Bumblefuck, M.A.. And because of that they were able to advance technologically at a far greater pace then we could ever dream of.

There’s more, which basically boils down to that because of their greater technological capacity they were able to advance through the Bronze Age and Iron Age, through the Bessemer Process (in which iron is converted to steel, known on their planet as the Klagmar Process) and finally into the Titanium Age and the Brontonium Age. Brontonium is a metal created when nuclear materials are combined with titanium to form an incredibly strong metal, so hard it can withstand temperatures higher than any ever seen by Man. We haven’t discovered it yet. Fuck you, scientists. You haven’t even found brontonium yet. You should.

Anyway, they decide that they’re bored with their planet. You would, too. Once you’ve explored everything on your planet, you get kind of sick of it. Like with your wife. You get sick of it. You’ve explored her entire body, including orifices neither you nor her knew she had. So now you want to explore other women. I have no idea why she hasn’t left your sorry ass yet. We all know she should. You asshole.

Tiger Woods, I’m looking at you. Anyway…

We’ve explored other planets, but nothing like the Zorbonians. We’ve only got to some heavy petting with probes. We still mostly stay on our planet, occasionally touching her moon. But the Zorbonians have explored orifices on other planets, colonizing, touching them with their tentacles and pleasuring them with their weird tentacle mouth things, like Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama only green.

And so the Zorbonians decide that they want to fuck with some new planets. Now, we’re fucked. Our planet got hit with a meteor, jamming most of our communications n’ shit. The Zorbonians are fast, and they basically bend space-time around itself and get to our planet in time for tea.

They realize we’re good candidates for slaves. We’re clearly inferior, because our technology and civilization is “inferior”. It had nothing to do with extraneous details we had no control over. We’re just “inferior.” Which therefore means they’re doing us a favor by forcing us to do their work.

So they put us in mines and on the fields, working for them. They take away our right to an education, and when we can’t read they say it’s because our brains aren’t as well-developed as theirs are. They take our men back to their planet to work on the fields for them, resulting in a shortage of men on Earth forcing those left to create harems with multiple women in a desperate attempt to keep population numbers stable. This is hindered by the aliens’ diseases, which kill 98% of the human population on Earth within the space of about ten years.

So, by 2022 our population is down to around a hundred and forty million people, from a high of about seven billion. Most are worked to death, because they are “inferior” to their alien overlords and therefore their lives do not matter. They worship different gods, they look different, therefore they are not as good. And that gives the aliens the right to work us to death.

You think that makes no sense. First off, you may be getting sick of this long-winded article, and that’s OK. Secondly, you don’t see what that has to do with racism. It has everything to do with racism.

Black people and native Americans were later to develop technology because they didn’t have good crops and lived on continents that were warm in the middle and cold near the extremes. They couldn’t move quickly, because they could only move places that their crops could grow.

Because it was harder for them to farm, it took them more time and effort to survive, and therefore longer to develop technologies.

And because the native Americans came to America during the Ice Age, most of the diseases they carried died out by the time they made it to America.

Then whites came about and said they were superior to the others, when in reality it was the Eurasian continent that was superior to the Americas and Africa. The white people that lived on it were diseased vermin that didn’t bathe and were imperialistic fucks. And like any kind of vermin, they refuse to go away.

For those of you that still believe in the superiority of the sickening white menace, I would like to urge you to read a fucking book or, as a better solution, move from the South entirely. I know not all Southerners are sickening, but I feel it necessary to be a closed-minded bigot because I’m white.

But seriously, even if whites not enslaved all the black men, left the remainder in Africa to fend for themselves, killed everybody in the Americas, killed everybody in Australia, split China into spheres of influence, forced their philosophies on life on everybody in the known world, used all the world’s resources and then torn up the entire Arabian region and rebuilt it according to which group of white people owned which small portion of desert land, surely even then the world would still be a fucked-up hellhole of racist ignorant assholes who hate each other and want to blow each other up with bombs.

…Right?

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The Story of Penis Mutilation in America: Circumcise Your Boys for Jesus and Protect them from French Prostitutes

The peoples of the world are defined by their ignorances. Some of the peoples of the world have tame ignorances, such as those of the Greeks who used to molest children for sport. Others have very interesting ignorances. For example, the Chinese liked to force their women to wear very tiny shoes so their feet would become deformed, because Chinese men are sexually attracted to women with deformities.

America is the nexus at which the various ignorances of the peoples of the world are brought together in a single unholy writhing mass of ignorance, hatred, bigotry, misogyny, and closed-mindedness. Being a nation of primarily unwashed honkies, America’s ignorances tend towards those of white trash, people who prefer their trucks big and who prefer their women drunk and willing at all times. These are people who hate science, who stone gays, and who hate vegetables, nutritious foods, and anybody who is not also white trash, including liberals, Hispanics, rich people of all kinds, intelligent people, and people who actually know what the hell is going on beyond Big Bubba’s Trailer Park Emporium and the local GMC dealership.

The one group which white trash loves besides other white trash is Jews. White trash loves Jews, or at least those who helped to write the Bible, a book which white trash holds dear in its white trash heart to make all of its decisions. Much white trash prefers to open up a Bible and pick a phrase at random to tell their fortune, in a ritual they refer to as “Bible dipping”. Then they go out and lynch fortune-tellers en masse because fortune-tellers get their powers from the Devil.

Fundamentalist Christians specifically fell in love with Jews, especially the nation of Israel. Israel is fundamentalist Christianity’s friend, because it gives fundamentalist Christians a convenient reason to bomb the shit out of people poorer and worse off than themselves, another white trash hobby. Christians fell so unremittingly in love with Jews, the Bible and fundamentalist religion that they consummated their relations with this religious trinity in an unholy buttsex orgy, resulting in a horrible fusion of all of these things which was so great that we still feel the results today, especially in our cocks.

The following is the story of how circumcision came to be. This story will explain to you why children have their dick skins cut off if they are born in the United States of America, land of the free, home of the ignorant fetid masses of the world.

Here’s why Americans circumcise their children.

Thousands of years ago Jews began to circumcise their children in the name of God. They did this so God would not smite them, or whatever shit people were coming up with back then. If you masturbated or didn’t cut the skin off your penis or had fun while having sex the Jewish God would torture you and kill you and send you to Hell.

Then, Jesus came to life as a corporeal representation of God. Jesus didn’t say dick about circumcision, except that his followers didn’t have to do it. Fuck that part, though, because he’s totally cool with it and such. After all, he was Jewish; he would be cool with the whole dick-skin sawing thing. He was a carpenter. One would assume he circumcised himself with a saw. A big fucking saw. Or a chisel. He probably chiseled his dick-skin off.

Then the Romans took over Christianity so the Jewish God wouldn’t destroy their Empire. The Jewish God destroyed their Empire anyway. He also tortured the Jews for various reasons.

By the early 19th century most people had stopped cutting off their children’s cock skins for various reasons. I have many theories on why this occurred. First off, it didn’t help peasant children work in the fields or work in the mines, and since they were probably going to die before they turned twelve months old it didn’t matter anyway. It’s not like they were going to get to lose their virginity or masturbate or anything. And if they did, who cared? This was Victorian England! Fuck happiness and sexual expression!

Second off, who gives a shit if poor children go to hell? It was the rich that mattered. Cutting off poor children’s dick skins was an unnecessary cost. The poor needed to fuck and fuck and fuck and reproduce like rabbits until the world was full to capacity of stupid children that nobody could take care of, and it wouldn’t matter, because the unnecessary vagina droppings could die of starvation. And all of them could go to hell because they got to keep the twenty thousand nerve endings men have on their cock skin, and after the obligatory hard work for rich white people that don’t give a shit about anybody or anything but themselves it wouldn’t matter. They’d been used. Their purpose was fulfilled. Circumcision was unnecessary.

Then America got to work, and John Harvey Kellogg threw his hat into the ring and decided that circumcision would help keep young boys and men from masturbating. Obviously. You slice skin off a dick and it becomes a little bit harder to get off.

But that’s a good thing! Fuck getting off! It’s not important! What is important is being pure. Meanwhile chugging down alcohol while beating your children and wife and killing brown people in foreign countries and beating black people to death and forcing your lifestyle down the throats of everybody else. Jacking off is the problem. Cooling off with porn after work is bad. Beating your children and wife is the right way to handle stress.

Most people with a brain in their head ignored Kellogg, because corn flakes suck and so did John Harvey Kellogg, who was a lunatic. FUCK JOHN HARVEY KELLOGG AND HIS SHITTY CEREAL.

Seriously.

Anyway, so then we go to war. We blow the everliving shit out of a bunch of European countries who were led around by a lunatic for reasons which have never really been explained. (And those same countries did whatever this lunatic wanted them to, which I’ve also never really understood.)

Our soldiers were fucking left and right throughout all this war. They fucked every Parisian hooker in sight, and get this, they started getting STDs.

Gee, I wonder why.

Maybe if the soldiers kept it in their fucking pants and waited till they got home to their girlfriends, they wouldn’t have had to cut their cock skin off to protect themselves against STDs.

But no, and so they took the Jew route so they wouldn’t get the clap.

This–American troops having unprotected sex with hookers–is the primary reason children are circumcised in America today. GIs brought the practice home with them as a method of decreasing STD transmission. In addition, intact children must have their private parts cleaned thoroughly, and American parents are both too lazy and too prudish to touch a baby’s penis to ensure he doesn’t get a urinary tract infection.

And thus are American children circumcised in the name of Jesus who said his followers didn’t have to get circumcisions, to protect them from hookers and UTIs.

Children who are circumcised never get a choice, never go back, nada. Twenty thousand nerve endings and most of the penis’ sensitivity are out the window with a snip-snip-snip and a whoop-de-doodle. The foreskin can never be replaced. Men that lose it never fully feel sex ever again, and are permanently less sensitive.

In simple terms, the foreskin is what feels most of the secks. Americans started circumcising kids so men couldn’t feel sex and wouldn’t want to have it as much. Period. That’s why Americans circumcise their kids. That’s why Abraham did it, that’s why fundie Christians do it, that’s why it’s done. So men can’t enjoy sex as much and won’t do it anymore.

In frank terms, America doesn’t give a shit. Why should it? We’re talking about a country that considers Coca Cola with high fructose corn syrup to be equal to sugar Coke. These people will never care, because they are desensitized to all outside stimuli, whether it be oral, anal, or penile. So I suppose, keep doing what you’re doing, America. Because you’re Christians. Because you don’t like sex.

Because you know, in your heart of hearts, that your kids are going to go fuck some French hookers.

Sources:

Father Magazine, “The Historical Basis for Child Circumcision in America.” 1996. http://www.fathermag.com/health/circ/historical.shtml

San Francisco Gate. “The Mommy Files: CDC Considers Promoting Circumcision.” August 24, 2009. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfmoms/detail?entry_id=46066 (Yes, it is true, the practice is 60% effective in prevention of HIV. Pbbbbfffh. As you fundies always like to say, the best protection against HIV is abstinence. Isn’t saying circumcision prevents STDs just going to encourage circumcised kids to have more sex?)

American Academy of Pediatrics. Statements on Circumcision and Urinary Tract Infection. http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1477524 (And it will also reduce UTI contraction, from one in every 100 infants to one in every thousand infants. Big deal. I’ll take my chances, thanks.)

Top News Reports of the Week: July 6-12, 2009

4chan strikes again.

Pennsylvania- According to reports from NBC News Philadelphia, more than 60 black kids from northeast Philadelphia, Pennsylvania were turned away from a private club because of their skin color. Not reported: The kids were actually afro-wearing white 4chan nerds wearing blackface, and they were out to get the pool closed.

Ontario- A man rapes his unconscious sister by giving her head. And here you thought only Southerners did that sort of thing. Southerners are different, silly. They only do that with the cows out back.

Las Vegas- Senator John Ensign’s parents have given the man’s hired prostitute mistress a swift kick in the ass nearly $100,000 to shut her up “out of concern for the well-being of longtime family friends during a difficult time.” Clearly Ensign got a raw deal. I mean, seriously, how much does it cost to hire a good hooker in Vegas? Two hundred bucks, tops?

Man, my parents bought me a car for high school. Next time I’m gonna have to ask for more. I’m gettin’ gipped here.

EXCLUSIVE NAKED EMMA WATSON PICTURE.

EXCLUSIVE NAKED EMMA WATSON PICTURE.

Harry Potter premiere in U.K.- Emma Watson’s clothing comes apart, showing her bra and panties. This, coupled with Heddy Pottah’s getting naked for his part in the Broadway play Equus, lends credence to the rumors that producers are finally going to give up on trying to make these actors look like prepubescent kids and just turn the seventh Potter into a hardcore porno. Spoiler: Watson gives good head. Better than the head Mr. Incestuous Ontario Pervert gave his sister, I’ll tell you that much for sure.

th_CivilDefenseLogo-1scarySouth Korea- Spies in Seoul have identified North Korea as the culprit of cyber attacks that hit or attempted to hit the White House, Pentagon, State Department, Treasury Department, Homeland Security Department, the National Security Agency, the New York Stock Exchange, NASDAQ, and the Washington Post. And yet our media still focuses on the ridiculous circus that is Michael Jackson’s neverending farewell tribute. Great job, American media dipshits. Two questions: Do we need a building to get hit with a plane before people in the United States finally start paying attention to shit that actually matters? And when is the media going to start doing its job again and START REPORTING THE MOTHERFUCKING NEWS?!

Blue Sky: The Essence of Terrible

Introduction: A Brief Explanation Regarding Hippie Food Stores

There is a craze sweeping the nation, and this craze is extremely similar to earwigs, in that it is also tunneling through people’s ear canals and eating their brains. The craze is hippie food stores, stores which sell food specifically designed to cater to hippies.

If it were just hippies buying this ridiculous food, there would be no problem. But normal people also buy this food, especially yuppies and the mentally disabled*. Now, this doesn’t really make any sense. One would think that marijuana-deadened hippies would not be the ones you’d want to buy your food from, considering that they were willing to eat ketchup-and-mayonnaise sandwiches back in the sixties. These are people that would be willing to put used cigarette butts on toast and eat the resulting tobacco sandwich if they couldn’t find anything else to eat when they started having their marijuana-induced munchies.

*People that voluntarily eat tofu.

But no. Thousands upon thousands of mentally-challenged yuppies, all over these United States of America, are willing to spend their hard-earned dollars on food chosen by dirty hippies. Naturally (excuse the pun) all of this food is exactly what you would expect it to be. Here’s a rough estimate of what kind of food is stocked at hippie food stores:

  • Food that tastes like shit: 123.5%

As you can see, by my estimates approximately all of the food at hippie food stores tastes like shit. The extra 23.5% is because the food at these stores is so bad that it actually makes food from other stores taste like shit.

Let’s say you buy some food from Albertson’s one day. Very preservative-laden, fatty, and abhorrently unfriendly to the environment. Basically some real good food.

wiccan_hippie_food_storeiv

This is Celestial Raven, owner of Happy Apple Farmer's Market. She would be happy to serve you.

Well, let’s say the next day you buy from Happy Apple Farmer’s Market, run by Celestial Raven, who practices Wicca. She only sells hemp seeds, natural tofu, organic produce, and various spices that are to spice what Phil Collins is to music. She doesn’t want you shopping at Albertson’s. She wants you shopping at Happy Apple Farmer’s Market. So she uses her bizarre Wiccan powers to put a spell on every piece of food she sells. She makes the spell so that it transfers its bland, boring taste to everything around it. She makes sure of this. She is afraid that if only her food tastes like bland nutritious garbage, you’ll stop buying her food.

So if you put Albertson’s food next to food from Happy Apple Farmer’s Market, the latter will make the former taste like salted cardboard. And it’ll cost more, too, due to the spell waves emanating from the food from Happy Apple Farmer’s Market. It’s a very strong Wiccan spell.

Sunflower Market

Hippie food stores take different forms all over the United States. For example, here in Albuquerque they have the “Sunflower Farmer’s Market”, and their slogan is “Serious food, silly prices”.

If by "serious" you mean "shitty", and by "silly" you mean "ludicrously high".

I have tried the “organic” food in Sunflower Market, and I can vouch for the fact that it is some of the most serious food I’ve ever tasted. After all, there is nothing fun about eating it at all.

Sunflower Market pretends to be a cutesy-poo little flower of a food store by adding cute little fonts to everything. Everything has its own font, and a piece of clipart. You go to the produce section, there is a produce font. You get meat, there is a meat font. You want olives, there is an olive font.

If you go to Smith’s, you get food. If you go to Sunflower Market, you get clipart and fonts.

These stores are concentrated around New Mexico, Arizona, Texas, Colorado, Utah, and Nevada, and their central theme is that they try way too hard to be “home-grown, good ol’ nat’ral food” stores. One would think this would mean most of the food would come from near the store (in this case Albuquerque, New Mexico), but no, I go there and most of the food comes from Mexico or California. Most of the food from New Mexico is salsa, on a little shelf off to the corner marked “FOOD GROWN IN NEW MEXICO!”. Thank God. I would not trust Californians to make salsa for me if they were the last Western peoples on earth. They’d probably add habanero peppers and hemp seeds. And then they’d restrict its right to marry the same sex by constitutional amendment.

Blue Sky Soda: The Drink Hippies Like

One of the many products in Sunflower Market that comes from Satan’s asshole California is Blue Sky soda.** I tried their “Organic” root beer, which they call “Root Beer Encore”. It is the most terrible root beer I have ever tasted. It is worse than Barq’s Root Beer, it is worse than drinking Gatorade, it is worse than drinking rhinoceros piss. If you like Blue Sky soda (God help you) I can only assume that your taste buds are burnt off, probably by the habanero peppers you eat in California. Because it is terrible. God is it ever terrible.

**It says “Santa Fe, New Mexico” on the front, but it’s actually made in Corona, California at this point. It actually got sued over this.

Let me write it out in large bold red letters for you:

BLUE SKY “ROOT BEER ENCORE” IS SHIT.

It would be flashing, but I can’t use CSS until I finally find a half-decent webhost. Close enough.

The kind I got was “USDA certified organic”, and had “real cane sugar.” Judging from just the taste of the drinks I’ve yet tasted with actual sugar in them, I would guess that sugarcane is the most disgusting substance on planet Earth, followed closely by high-fructose corn syrup. I mean, seriously, Mexico gets Coca Cola with real sugar, while the closest we can get is Blue Sky “Organic”?

When the version of a soda with sugar in it is more disgusting than the version with high fructose corn syrup, SOMETHING IS WRONG.

Is this some kind of conspiracy or something? Do I have to invade Europe to get some actual sugar in my system without subjecting myself to this disgustingly fruity and tasteless crap?

I guess so. Let’s get some AK-47s from the army surplus store, looks like it’s time to invade Germany again. And possibly Poland. Hey, it might not be nice, but we’d might as well invade Poland. It’s not like the Poles could stop us.

I guess that big American corporations think sugarcane-sweetened carbonated beverages are the kinds of drinks that hippies like. The real sugar must go along well with Doors albums and Volkswagen buses. Good to know.

The Truth About Hippie Food Stores, And Who is Responsible (Aging Baby Boomers)

Like hippies, all of the kinds of foods they sell at “farmer’s markets” are flavorless, bland, and annoying. This food tries to make people feel like they’re making a difference by eating food grown and prepared without preservatives or growth hormones, but all it really does is allow lazy and brainless tools to go through life without doing anything productive or beneficial to the human race.

Frankly, I blame the Baby Boomers. Baby Boomers are just as flavorless, bland and annoying as hippies, and they are equally obsessed with achieving some kind of unobtainable enviro-green future where we all drive recycled hybrid cars and fart oxygen and pixie dust out our asses. Bullshit, I say. Give me a camper trailer. Fuck Toyota Priuses, I want to see the forest, not imprison myself to living in some paved-road shithole subdivision where the people are all pasty-white middle-class zombies and everybody drives environmentally-friendly cars in some kind of surreal dystopia.

Conclusion

EVERYTHING MUST HAVE ITS OWN FONT

EVERYTHING MUST HAVE ITS OWN FONT

I think people who go to these stores think a little too much of themselves, don’t you? I mean, maybe I’m just a moron. Maybe I just can’t appreciate the subtle classiness of buying your Keystone “Light” beer for an extra five dollars at the local “farmer’s market” and buying only foodstuffs that have the words “Natural” and “Organic” emblazoned right on the box in Comic Sans MS font .

But let’s look at the facts. First off, how in the hell is a store like this a “farmer’s market”, anyway? I don’t see any farmers when I go there. Some may have a garden or a couple horses, but I don’t see any farmers peddling their wares anywhere. Hell, I wish they had farmers at the “farmer’s market”. I could buy food from them directly, rather than through a faceless corporation that puts mooing cows on its homepage in a misplaced attempt to appear rustic and homely.

Because let’s face it: These hippie food stores are just big corporate monoliths, and are just like any other supermarket chain. The only difference between a hippie food store and a regular supermarket is that a hippie food store sells organic food at higher prices. Also its board of directors regularly participates in a drum circle. Their conference table may also be shaped like the peace sign.

And while some people may look at all of the peons down below them in the social hierarchy and think how intelligent and classy they are for buying only grain-fed hormone-free free-range naturally-raised humanely-killed organic home-grown all-American wave-the-flag-around-awhile-while-we-roast-this-dead-cow ground beef, we gotta remember that most people don’t buy their food from Albertson’s or Wal-Mart because they want to, it’s because they can’t afford better.

Y’know, I’m not saying Wal-Mart is great. Hey, it’s gigantic and an eyesore and it doesn’t really have every buyable product known to man. Some of its products aren’t great. Sometimes it doesn’t even have the lowest prices.

So we agree: Wal-Mart’s not perfect. But at least it’s honest.

The Greatest July Fourth Present America Has Ever Been Given

Sarah Palin has resigned from her Alaska governorship.

You’re welcome.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/07/03/palin-to-step-down-not-seeking-re-election/

So that she didn’t milk Alaskans with a lame-duck Governorship, she’s doing the unconventional thing with Alaska and “not taking the quitter’s way out” by resigning and giving over control of the state to Sean Parnell.

We all know that a good point guard, she drives through a full court press, keeping her head up to keep her eye on the basket so she can drive the ball in there. And she knows when to pass the ball (the Alaskan Governorship) for victory. That’s a good safe analogy that Palin felt like making.

There is no mention of wolves, but as you might have guessed I am hoping that this changes soon. I know it won’t, because Alaskans probably want to be able to shoot wolves on sight, but I can dream, can’t I?

This is a Neda Soltan. She Prints Money.

In case you haven’t lost all faith in humanity yet, here’s yet another step in the gradual collapse of Western civilization.

http://www.zazzle.co.uk/neda_freedom_is_not_free_tshirt-235871630751536655

That’s right. Somebody has already made an Obama ripoff T-shirt showing the bloodied dead corpse of Iranian protester Neda Soltan with the phrase “WE WILL NEVER FORGET”.

In a matter of, oh, around twelve hours or so since Neda Soltan was brutally murdered by pro-government Iranian forces some asshole has already trivialized her death in a bid to make some cash off of the kind of person that gets off on having a picture of a dead and bloodied Iranian girl on his shirt.

Y’know, exploitation and stuff.

I can only imagine the way Neda Soltan would feel about this if she were alive. Because I’ll bet a young woman like her would really want to be remembered lying dead on an Iranian street in throngs of helpless protesters, rather than as a vibrant, beautiful young woman with a life ahead of her.

I mean, is it so much to ask for T-shirt makers to at least use one of the pictures of her before she was brutally shot to death?

Notice how they subtly crossed out her name with blood. Great job, random brainless shirt-selling douche!

I have no more words for this. I hope that Ms. Soltan rests in peace, I hope the situation in Iran is peacefully and rightfully resolved, and I hope whoever made these T-shirts gets a swift kick in the ass for using Neda Soltan’s memory for profit.

David Letterman’s “Bristol” Joke

For those confused by my post, “Jeep People are Disgusting”, it was a joke. I was as both poking fun at the Jeep culture–known for its snobs as much as any other–and at the ridiculous anger directed at SUVs like Jeeps from Prius drivers. I thought that the article was so ridiculous there was no way anybody could take it seriously, but I was wrong. If you didn’t get the joke, reread the article, and if you still don’t get it, my bad.

(This is much the same as with my Maddox article. I allege in the article that Maddox is a chauvinist, a terrible writer, that his work isn’t satire, and that his last several articles suck. Only one of the above is an opinion I hold. See if you can figure out which one is the real truth.)

Nevermind that. The airwaves are alive with yet another non-event, in this case regarding David Letterman and a comment regarding Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol.

To start with, the full video of the joke (information quoted, feel free to skim over it if you’ve already heard):

Since this joke aired, Sarah Palin has alleged that Letterman is making a joke about rape. Specifically, she is claiming that Letterman is actually referring to Palin’s younger, fourteen-year-old daughter, because her younger daughter was the only one that was with Palin at the Yankees game. Palin’s eighteen year old daughter-who wasn’t with her–was the one who’s known for promiscuity in the general media.

Now, I would like to give some thoughts from my position as a humorist (well, an attempted humorist) on this site.

To begin with, I think it’s quite clear that Letterman isn’t referring to Palin’s younger, fourteen-year-old daughter.

I make this assumption because the joke itself is stupid. I doubt Letterman knew which daughters were with Palin at the time, and I don’t think he and his writers really cared. I think it’s obvious that it was just an easy jab that Letterman was eager to grab for all it was worth.

On the other hand, I argue that the joke is also shit. I’m not sure if Letterman should issue an apology, but I think this joke and many others are clear evidence that he’s not funny anymore. This is much the same as when Don Imus made his “nappy-headed hos” comment, or when the “Kramer” guy made his “niggers” rant. The failure wasn’t in the content, the failure was in the delivery. It was lame.

The joke was unfunny to the point of blandness. It says something about David Letterman’s joke-telling ability when a joke about impregnating a teenage girl is considered bland.

I am offended by the joke first and foremost because it was unfunny and boring, bland drivel, not because it is “sexist” or “perverted” or any of the other bullshit Palin’s putting out there. If Letterman it fired for this joke, it should be because the joke is proof that he’s phoning this shit in and doesn’t even care about being funny anymore.

Your thoughts.