A Profound Commentary on Racism in America, or Something

Whether we know it or not, keeping animals really is a form of slavery.

I know, I know, you love your cats, and your cats love you, and they snuggle with you in bed as you go to sleep at night.

But ask yourself this: Does that make it any less a form of slavery?

I mean, think about it. Way back in the olden days, when men were men and women were beaten, I’m sure many slaves snuggled with their masters. I mean, we already know Thomas Jefferson snuggled with his slaves. Think of the implications! Clearly black people screwing with white people is exactly the same as cats snuggling with you.

And animal slavery is predicated on the exact same excuse as black people slavery was. People said the blacks were better off as slaves. They said black people were less capable and less smart than white people.

And what do we say about animals today? That they’re less capable and less smart than people. White people. We have the black people drive our buses and fold our laundry. See? That’s racism.

And, of course, we have black people take our animals. Brings ’em closer to what they once were: You know, slaves. It has nothing to do with the fact that rich white people don’t want to give up the power and influence they’ve kept from blacks for generations.

I’ll give you an example that I think perfectly illustrates what I’m talking about. Recently my family got into the cat-catching business. They were stalking around our yard, eating and fucking and eating and fucking some more, and we decided enough was enough, and decided to catch them. Now, white cats and white people are exactly the same. It’s true, white cats are just as smart as white people, if not smarter. Same with black cats and black people. Which means that black people are an omen of bad luck if they cross your path. And white cats are boring Protestants who like to play golf and tennis and work way too hard.

And let’s not even get started on brown cats and yellow cats, except that the former like fish tacos and the latter like sushi. Try it. I guarantee if you put out sushi yellow cats will come and if you put out fish tacos brown cats will. You think I’m crazy. Try it. Color-based stereotypes work regardless of age, gender, or species.

Now, white cats and black cats and yellow cats and brown cats are all equally smart. I think we all agree with this. Fur color has nothing to do with anything, most cats are really about the same thought-wise and you can find an equal amount of stupid white cats as stupid black cats. Fur is very similar to skin, in that both serve only to protect the body. But skin color is naturally important, whereas fur color is not. According to some people, anyway. Some people think that hair color is important, but fur color is not. But fur and hair are exactly the same. It’s just that hair is something humans have whereas animals have fur. All animals are inferior to humans. Therefore it doesn’t matter what color their fur is. They all just suck equally.

Except for dolphins, which have no hair and are the smartest. According to racial logic, that means bald humans are the smartest.

Anyway, the cats all got into the cage except for the white kittens. I don’t know why. I think it’s because they were kittens and couldn’t find food for themselves. Hitler would argue that their proud Aryan blood would be corrupted if they ate mongrel food, such as you find in a cage. He would check to see if they had blue eyes and blond fur and would argue that these traits will determine whether these white cats make up the master cat race. Nathan Forrest would argue that the white cats should dress up as ghosts of Confederate cats and place burning crosses in front of black cats’ houses.

I’m still trying to find the kittens, because I’m scared for them. They can’t live on their own. They’re fucking kittens, duh. But they are fascinating creatures, aren’t they?

One of these days aliens are going to come to earth. Picture them in your mind’s eye. They’re green things, looking sort of like Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama only green and with tentacles instead of claw hands.

Now, pretend it’s the year 2012, and the Mayans were right and all the dates were correct and the clock is resetting and therefore the aliens who know of us (a race known as Zorbonians) are coming back to get us. They helped build the Pyramids, and they’re coming back to collect. OK?

Now, unlike us humans, the aliens had a different set of traits. Their planet was differently designed. OK? Picture this. They are exactly the same as us intellectually, except for a few things.

They have far more diseases than we do. They have an alien disease that causes boils to form on the sufferer. The victim dies of excruciating pain quickly. But the aliens have developed genetic immunities to this disease.

In addition, their planet, Zorbon, was differently aligned. Our planets’ continents are arranged more North-South. There’s a huge ocean between the eastern and western hemispheres on our planet, where instead of having one solid cluster of continents we have two big huge ones in the Western hemisphere, one in the southeast, one sort of in the middle of all of these and one big horizontal one, and the latter is the one where most civilization started, mostly in the middle.

Whereas the aliens’ planet has one big solid cluster of continents, like Pangaea, only very much centered near the Equator of the planet. This makes it far easier for the aliens to move crops from one region to another, because most of the middle of this continent is all of about the same temperature, and therefore they don’t have to worry about planting corn in the different temperatures of Mexico and Wisconsin or whatever. Their primary crops encompass cereals, leafy greens, legumes, and starches even from the outset of the creation of their civilization, and therefore most of these regions have peoples with good nutrition. Because of their extraordinarily good luck, they are able to develop without any sort of malnutrition.

Because they didn’t have to worry as much about starving to death, they were able to find other ways to kill themselves. They developed bows and arrows extraordinarily quickly, and then moved immediately to guns and cannons, and then nuclear weapons, and then ray guns. In half the time it took us to develop atomic weapons, these aliens developed weapons capable of destroying entire planets.

Got that? So they’ve got deadly diseases that other species can contract, and the continental architecture of their planet is far superior to our own. They got Le Corbusier to design their planet, whereas we got Chucklesworth Bumblefuck, M.A.. And because of that they were able to advance technologically at a far greater pace then we could ever dream of.

There’s more, which basically boils down to that because of their greater technological capacity they were able to advance through the Bronze Age and Iron Age, through the Bessemer Process (in which iron is converted to steel, known on their planet as the Klagmar Process) and finally into the Titanium Age and the Brontonium Age. Brontonium is a metal created when nuclear materials are combined with titanium to form an incredibly strong metal, so hard it can withstand temperatures higher than any ever seen by Man. We haven’t discovered it yet. Fuck you, scientists. You haven’t even found brontonium yet. You should.

Anyway, they decide that they’re bored with their planet. You would, too. Once you’ve explored everything on your planet, you get kind of sick of it. Like with your wife. You get sick of it. You’ve explored her entire body, including orifices neither you nor her knew she had. So now you want to explore other women. I have no idea why she hasn’t left your sorry ass yet. We all know she should. You asshole.

Tiger Woods, I’m looking at you. Anyway…

We’ve explored other planets, but nothing like the Zorbonians. We’ve only got to some heavy petting with probes. We still mostly stay on our planet, occasionally touching her moon. But the Zorbonians have explored orifices on other planets, colonizing, touching them with their tentacles and pleasuring them with their weird tentacle mouth things, like Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama only green.

And so the Zorbonians decide that they want to fuck with some new planets. Now, we’re fucked. Our planet got hit with a meteor, jamming most of our communications n’ shit. The Zorbonians are fast, and they basically bend space-time around itself and get to our planet in time for tea.

They realize we’re good candidates for slaves. We’re clearly inferior, because our technology and civilization is “inferior”. It had nothing to do with extraneous details we had no control over. We’re just “inferior.” Which therefore means they’re doing us a favor by forcing us to do their work.

So they put us in mines and on the fields, working for them. They take away our right to an education, and when we can’t read they say it’s because our brains aren’t as well-developed as theirs are. They take our men back to their planet to work on the fields for them, resulting in a shortage of men on Earth forcing those left to create harems with multiple women in a desperate attempt to keep population numbers stable. This is hindered by the aliens’ diseases, which kill 98% of the human population on Earth within the space of about ten years.

So, by 2022 our population is down to around a hundred and forty million people, from a high of about seven billion. Most are worked to death, because they are “inferior” to their alien overlords and therefore their lives do not matter. They worship different gods, they look different, therefore they are not as good. And that gives the aliens the right to work us to death.

You think that makes no sense. First off, you may be getting sick of this long-winded article, and that’s OK. Secondly, you don’t see what that has to do with racism. It has everything to do with racism.

Black people and native Americans were later to develop technology because they didn’t have good crops and lived on continents that were warm in the middle and cold near the extremes. They couldn’t move quickly, because they could only move places that their crops could grow.

Because it was harder for them to farm, it took them more time and effort to survive, and therefore longer to develop technologies.

And because the native Americans came to America during the Ice Age, most of the diseases they carried died out by the time they made it to America.

Then whites came about and said they were superior to the others, when in reality it was the Eurasian continent that was superior to the Americas and Africa. The white people that lived on it were diseased vermin that didn’t bathe and were imperialistic fucks. And like any kind of vermin, they refuse to go away.

For those of you that still believe in the superiority of the sickening white menace, I would like to urge you to read a fucking book or, as a better solution, move from the South entirely. I know not all Southerners are sickening, but I feel it necessary to be a closed-minded bigot because I’m white.

But seriously, even if whites not enslaved all the black men, left the remainder in Africa to fend for themselves, killed everybody in the Americas, killed everybody in Australia, split China into spheres of influence, forced their philosophies on life on everybody in the known world, used all the world’s resources and then torn up the entire Arabian region and rebuilt it according to which group of white people owned which small portion of desert land, surely even then the world would still be a fucked-up hellhole of racist ignorant assholes who hate each other and want to blow each other up with bombs.


Yes, This Is A Post, I am Not Really Left Without a Post For A Week, I Just Felt Like Saying I Was.

I am left without a post for this week. For those of you who have read any of the things I have written on my site, you will realize that this is unusual. I am usually quite prompt in my writings, updating every nine days on average. You see, after I am done taking in the latest Internet pornography, sleeping, and eating, I can usually find perhaps ten minutes to dash off some half-assed post which others on the Internet can then ridicule to their heart’s content. This ridicule is the extent of the humor I have put on my website.

You may be wondering why I am writing this, and what sort of ridicule I will incur, and whether this ridicule will serve as a source of entertainment for us all, and what excuses I have for this post. The first of my excuses I find to be quite satisfactory: My uncle has died. His name was Jim, and he lived in Ingleside, Texas. His primary two activities, prior to his death anyway, were lying down on the couch watching old movies and sometimes spitting chewing tobacco into a plastic milk bottle. I have found that many old people spend their last days in some similar arrangement to this. There is some shaking up of this formula, with some choosing to lie in a bed, and others attempting to remain “youthful” and “energetic” and “young at heart” by watching MTV. Unfortunately, the latter people take much longer to die, and thus we must see them attempt to look like Britney Spears if her skin were stretched out on a giant rack and then allowed to rest primarily in wrinkly patches on her knees.

Jim was a good uncle, unlike those poor misguided MTV viewers over the age of sixty. He watched TV Land like any good older person, and it pains me to state with certainty that I will be unable to witness his funeral in Ingleside, as I live in New Mexico, approximately a bazillion miles away by my conservative estimate, and have many assignments I must finish before Thanksgiving. (To those family members I have in Ingleside, I apologize for not being there, and I send my love and condolences, in the only way I can: Through this obnoxious blog.) My large amount of unfinished assignments is my second excuse for not having written a proper article for this week. You see, I must write one five-page report for a class called “Quarks, Quasars and Quiddities”, which is named after the Jeopardy! category of the same name. In this class, there are four primary topics:

  1. How stupid ancient humans and Christians were.
  2. How the Universe started.
  3. How it continues.
  4. Why Jared Diamond is an asshole.

If you have ever read Jared Diamond, whose books include such enlightening tomes as Guns, Germs, and Why I Hate Europeans, and You are a Monkey That’s Going to Destroy Planet Earth, you know exactly what I mean. I plan on writing a book on the subject, entitled Why Jared Diamond Is an Asshole: The Ivory-Billed Woodpecker Can Kiss My Ass, as soon as I am finished with my expedition to tropical New Guinea to search for beautiful big-breasted islanders that turn out to be old fat islander women with husbands. I shall make this the opening anecdote for one of my thoughtful, engaging chapters.


Coming to stores when I decide to give a shit.

Speaking of the Universe, it continues at a glacial pace. While I attempt to wipe the scratches off my glasses, which are approximately as clear and clean as the bottom of an old Coke bottle dragged on a cement floor, I am reminded, as just one example of the slow pace of the Universe, of the current situation at General Motors. In case you have been inside of a cave with your eyes shut and your fingers in your ears for the past thirty five years, General Motors is currently “beleagured” by debt and inept management and will be shut down by next Thursday. I have been waiting on an auto website called the Truth About Cars for months now, waiting for them to finally announce the end. It is sort of a morbid curiosity of mine. They are the creators of a series of essays called the “GM Deathwatch”, in which they tally the amount of workers General Motors is currently being forced to employ by the watchful hand of Ronald Gettelfinger, whose name is possibly the funniest in the history of American unions.

I am waiting for something to happen so I will know whether I can buy a Chevrolet Colorado yet. I have been waiting for quite a while to pick up one of these beauties. It is a four-cylinder deathtrap of a pickup truck which is capable of hitting a moose at 50 miles per hour with the occupants sustaining only serious injuries. It can also tow a ham sandwich if all the occupants, including the driver, get out and push. Once I know whether Rick Wagoner, the CEO of General Motors, has been put in stocks in front of Congress yet, I will decide upon whether it would be sensible to buy this vehicle. I have sent General Motors an email asking whether the truck can tow more than the Toyota Tacoma. I expect an unbiased response.

Until I get my response from General Motors on the towing capacity of the Colorado, I will be forced to continue reading reports about the Canadian Grand Prix, which has apparently shut down; and watch as Autoblog forum poster “Torrent” has a meltdown as he tells his fellow posters how deeply he cares about their opinions regarding his Autoblog commentary. “Torrent”, you have my condolences as well, assuming your uncle has died. I may also try to help you get that Chevy Camaro you’ve always wanted.

So there you have it. I have positively zero ability to write an article or finish a sentence without leading into a boring, introverted essay with far too many words. If you will recall, this article is supposed to be about why I couldn’t write an article for this week. It is 1056 words long, and if you’ve read this far, probably feels more like ten thousand. Such is my writing style. I copied it from Jared Diamond. Excuse me while I finish this diagram detailing the spread of the word “fart” from Proto-Indo European. Yes, in case you didn’t know, I am indeed quite clever.