StumbleUpon: Now a “Caste-Based Social Bookmarking Tool!”

I would really like to know when StumbleUpon went from being an awesome site-hunting database into a “social networking tool.”

I don’t know when people started calling Digg and StumbleUpon “social networking” sites. And I have no clue when StumbleUpon created its X-rating, permanently restricting communication between X-rated users and lesser users. But damned if all of the above didn’t happen while I was gone.

StumbleUpon doesn’t suck horrifically yet. The awesome is still there. You still get good photos of pretty places, a few programs here and there, some great watermelon soap recipes, you get the idea. You use Stumble, you still get some great stuff.

(Along with the obligatory shit. Like Ctrl-Alt-Del and a billion sites repeating the same fucking joke over and over again. Fuck that shit.)

At some point, though, something happened, and now StumbleUpon is a “social networking giant“.

Now look, I guess I get the label. You see, StumbleUpon users are clicking a little button on their web browser that takes them to a new site, and then they thumb it up and then StumbleUpon takes the site and directs other StumbleUpon users to it. Socially. StumbleUpon users are socially clicking a little button on their web browser to find web sites to waste time on. Probably while alone in their parents’ basements.

But still. We don’t need any more damn “social networking” sites. I don’t need to talk to people on the Internet via StumbleUpon, that’s why I’ve got Facebook. What? Is StumbleUpon going to add an e-poke feature so that I can electronically play grab-ass with other StumbleUpon users while clicking buttons to take me to “pictures of famous Virginians” websites? Is that what StumbleUpon wants to become?

We already have our “Untouchables”, the X-rated users. You can’t talk to X-rated users unless you’re X-rated. That’s a StumbleUpon rule, and it will be enforced by death. You want to talk to X-rated users? Then join them in their filthy X-rated filth, that’s StumbleUpon’s message to you.

I found this out, because I was confused when I realized that somebody I knew on StumbleUpon, named Darkspoons, had at some point vanished. All of the posts she had made anywhere on the site vanished.

Then I realized that another great Stumbler I knew, Bryce3, wasn’t there. And a bunch of others.

Then I realized that both of them had been X-rated, for Christ alone knows what reason.

I decided to join them, because fuck it. While I don’t have a strong desire to see “Super Hornio Brothers II” while using StumbleUpon, if not going X-rated means not seeing peoples’ reviews of pages and their comments, hey, I don’t use StumbleUpon enough to care.

Oh, but of course:

If you're G rated, you can't talk with R-and X- rated Stumble users. If you're R- rated, you can't talk with X- rated. If you're X-rated, you can't talk to anybody but X-rated people.

Seriously. On this “social networking site”, you can be permanently banned from ever interacting in any way with anybody who’s not rated “X”. Apparently a “block posts from this user” feature wasn’t good enough for StumbleUpon, they had to make a blanket rule applying to everybody put into one of three separate groups.

To hell with that. If I want a “social networking” site I’ll use Facebook. No thanks StumbleUpon.

And don’t even let me get started on Twitter. Seriously, the last thing we need is for anybody else to start accounts on that site. Oooh, you say you gave birth to an octopus while simultaneously slaying a dragon by cutting off his leftmost toenail and using it as a potion to cure the great Princess Xandar III of the Gaian Confederacy of her crippling yeast infection? Big fucking deal. I had breakfast this morning. How do you like that, you octopus fucker?

In the end, you could forgive sites like StumbleUpon and Facebook and Twitter. But why would you? They encourage a caste-based social system, one in which there is the “in”-crowd and the “out”-crowd. If we keep on going on like this, we’ll be no better than your common mud-trotting Hindustani, riding upon the backs of stooping elephants who are, in keeping with Hindu religious beliefs, standing atop small turtles.

This is America, dammit! I want my Internet nerdy and anti-social, just like I want my jocks stupid and my computer technical support to be Indian and surly. StumbleUpon and Facebook are doing exactly the opposite, turning the Internet into something fun for even cool people. It’s changing the world, for the worse. I mean, we’ve got people regularly watching horses sticking their dicks into grown human men. Surely something is going to come of all of this. And I guarantee it will be for the worst.

So, if you love America, stop using StumbleUpon and Twatter, because they are up to no good. Now if you will excuse me, I need to get back to my friendly Indian technical support specialist. Something about therapy.

Maddox (George Ouzonian) is a gigantic faggot and you should kill him.

From the LoopyLines mailbag, here’s John G, commenting on my article “Holy Shit, Maddox… Doesn’t Suck?”

Maddox is washed up and now sucking off fanboys at Gaming sites. His site is shit, if you google maddox now all you get is Brangelinas kid info lol. Maddox was cool for about that year then faded off into obscurity and traded in his pirate persona for a king rbe to hide his pasty white ass thats obviously out of shape and doughy from hiding behind a screen his whole life and thinking he’s an innovator. Whaa, email me and i will get my legions (5) of fans to shit in your inbox.

I’m always glad to hear that people are reading this site, especially informed individuals like John G. Way to read my sidebar message to the bottom. I’m afraid that I don’t have enough time to write out a response to John’s comment, but know that I care. That said, John G., I will cut off your foreskin if you dare insult Maddox again. I jacked him off last night while fucking his girlfriend and shitting in his mouth and I can assure you that his ass is not pasty-white, it is more of an Armenian color.

And yes he is fat. He is fat like a motherfucker. No amount of shit your legions of fans could possibly email me could ever match the intense amount of shit stored in Maddox’s colon, comprised entirely of enough hot sauce and beef jerky to sustain a million Kenyans.

Yiff in Hell, Eric W. Schwartz!

Eric W. Schwartz, in case you’ve never heard of him, is the kind of Internet guy that’s so incredibly, disgustingly fucked-up beyond all reason that even pedophiles and lowly webcomic artists look down on him in disgust. He’s so fat he makes you feel like if you punch him in the stomach like he deserves your hand will get stuck in between the rolls of fat and never be able to escape. He’s like an old rotten moldy orange, putrid and spreading his grubby fingers of slime and mold across the dark and festering landscape that is the Internet.

Every website that has ever existed on the whole entire Internet has posted an article about this man, his webcomic Sabrina Online, his obsession with Amiga computer software, and his big fat ass. Yet it will never be enough. Not until he finally decides to pucker up his asshole and stop secreting the shitpile that is Sabrina Online, and finally realizes that he is a big fat pile of worthless who masturbates to Tiny Toon Adventures hentai.

I speak for the entire Internet when I say this, Eric W. Schwartz: Get a diet, get a goddamn career, and stop masturbating to skunk cartoons.

What’s that you say? Masturbates to skunk cartoons? Why yes. Yes, Eric W. Schwartz masturbates to fucking skunk cartoons. He masturbates to cartoon skunks fucking. Sometimes he’ll fuck a skunk cartoon by putting his soft fleshlight in between his mattresses and sticking his pecker in there while watching Tiny Toon Adventures (and yes he has many mattresses, because his fat ass has crushed them all to a microscopic size and he must pile them one on top of the other).

Eric W. Schwartz is a big fat furry that loves to masturbate to cartoons of skunks fucking, especially when one of those skunks is his own character Sabrina, who happens to be his imaginary girlfriend. He will only show pictures of her naked to his closest friends, because she is his girlfriend and if he just let her show the goods to anybody she wouldn’t be special any more, she would just be another cartoon skunk out there looking for a quick screw followed by dinner and a movie.

This is much the same thing that another big fat furry piece of shit, “Chalosan” of the webcomic Las Lindas, did when he posted a picture of one of his characters diving into water wearing her underwear, titled “Skinny Dipping”. He explained that he originally drew her naked, but only showed that one to a friend as a birthday present. Again, furries, giving porn to each other as birthday presents and then censoring it if anybody else tries to see. Not to mention that they’re all socially-retarded fatties. Just thought I’d remind them of that.

Anyway, back to Eric Schwartz and his obsession with naked skunks. For his closest fans, Schwartz has created a website called Fur After Dark, wherein they pay ten dollars and are treated to pornography of anthropomorphic animal “furry” characters that other artists draw better. Of course, Sabrina is not featured. She is too special to be a porno star.

Sabrina is also the mascot for her own computer operating system, did I mention that? She is the (un)official mascot for an operating system called Amiga OS, which is like Windows only twenty-five years old and used only by people that just can’t escape the incredible pull of the eighties. While I do enjoy a quick listen of a Journey song or some Police every now and then, I draw the line at using a computer manufactured when Reagan was in office. Jesus Christ, back then we were talking about sending lasers into space for fuck’s sake. America Online was called Quantum Computer Services and was just as shitty as it is now. Face it, we’ve moved on. Fuck off and enter the Goddamn twenty-first century.

Sabrina’s (and Schwartz’) heyday was 1985. At this point, Schwartz is the cartoonist equivalent of Phil Collins, losing his hearing and incapable of moving beyond his old hits. Only he makes it worse because he draws furry porn. Oh God the furry porn Eric Schwartz draws. Do you want me to tell you about it? Let me tell you about Schwartz’ furry porn.

To begin with, furries are people obsessed with anthropomorphics. It’s not really as exotic as it sounds. It sounds like they’re fascinated with the age-old connection humans draw between themselves and animals as expressed by centaurs and the Sphinx, but in reality it translates into a bunch of fat sweaty nerds gathering to dress up in sports mascot costumes. If furries dressed up like realistic centaurs and wolf-men, or had a few of those Chinese dragons like they have running about Beijing during the Chinese New Year, it could be badass in a nerdy sort of way.

But no. Instead almost all of it is Balto and Mickey Mouse and (especially) Tiny Toon Adventures. There is enough Minerva Mink fanart on the Internet to stretch across the Earth and into Hell and back, and most of it is of her either naked or covered in … well, let’s not discuss it.

This is what Schwartz does. Under an assumed name (T.D.K., apparently short for “The Disgusting sKunkfucker) he drew pictures of  well known childrens’ cartoon characters like Minerva Mink getting raped by tentacles, dildos, and humans that are much larger than they are and should know better.  His cartoon skunk furries and their pornographic misadventures are why furries are called “skunkfuckers”. Well, they aren’t often called that actually, but they should be.

Schwartz, a.k.a. TDK, is a fat fucked-up skunkfucker of the highest order. His mind is full of skunkfucking, his fingers and cock itch for skunkfucking, he longs for cartoon skunk vagina; yet it is cartoon skunk vagina he can never have, because cartoons are not real. So yiff in Hell, Eric W. Schwartz. You will never have what you want, and thank God for that.