Days That Will Live In Lunacy

(Kansas, “Magnum Opus”. From Leftoverture. Submitted to Youtube by user panosc2.)

Hey, even a broken comedy show's funny twice a millennium.

Hey, even a broken comedy show's funny twice a millennium.

The last few days were important days for me. They were of course not important days for our country, because realistically President Barack “Saddam” Hussein Obama “Bin Laden” has been President since Sarah Palin mentioned, via Tina Fey of Saturday Night Live, that she could see Alaska from her house. At that moment, any hope, any prayers that maybe, just maybe Sarah Palin was not a complete and utter dunceface from another planet were shattered. America was afraid that the same stupid people that elected George W. Bush for two terms would actually vote for this woman to become President of the United States, pending John McCain’s untimely and totally-not-expected death by the tag-team duo of Father Time and Mister Heart Disease. Americans watched, suspiciously via binoculars, at their neighbors’ windows at night, looking for any signs that their neighbors might vote Republican, and possibly so that they might see their neighbors’ wives’ barely-legal daughters wearing frilly undergarments.

Actual back seat of a Toyota Tacoma pickup.

Actual back seat of a Toyota Tacoma pickup.

In the end, everyone voted for Barack Obama, as they were supposed to, and anybody that voted for McCain didn’t matter, because they’re just racist ignorant retarded rednecks anyway, and very few people were actually charged with voyeurism, so everything worked out OK in the end. Barack Obama took the Oath of Office, although Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts required an interpreter at several points and may have to secretly administer the Oath again. (Update: And then after that Oath they may have to do it again because the Christian conservative Roberts forgot his Bible.) Several singers belted out African American soul versions of various patriotic tunes. Gay people in the streets are still angry, because nobody will listen to them. And of course I still haven’t gotten the green Toyota Tacoma pickup truck I’ve wanted since I began to want one a couple years ago. As an aside, just recently I checked one out at our local Toyota dealership. Everybody agreed that it was a nice enough vehicle, but that it was “not suitable for road trips” as its back seat is approximately as comfortable as a Medieval church pew and much less attractive.

Of course, much more important things happened in the past three days or so. For example:

  • Just now, while writing the last full paragraph, my leg touched some gum somebody stuck to the bottom of the computer table I’m writing at.
  • Nekosexuality does not equal bestiality, seriously you guys.

    Nekosexuality does not equal bestiality, as SpikeRulesHell proves.

    On the TwoKinds forums, forum poster “SpikeRulesHell”, the one who I said “claimed to perform oral sex on his cats” when I wrote my review of TwoKinds, has said that he “has never actually had sexual relations with any living creature, human or otherwise”. This was not terribly shocking to anybody on the forums or in the known universe. The idea that SpikeRulesHell has actually had sex is as laughable as the idea that I’ve had sex. The idea that either of us have gotten to have sex with any other living being is so laughable, in fact, that the late comedian George Carlin often used it in his stand-up routine.

  • We, meaning “my closest family consisting of my mother and grandmother, and a dog that was never toilet-trained,” cleaned our house on Sunday and Monday this past weekend. If you know us personally, you will know that this is an event that is, by conservative estimates, as momentous as the moment Christ comes back to Earth, in that it happens on basically the same timeframe. While cleaning our house, we came across many artifacts from our dog, which she had deposited underneath her leopard-print dog bed and never informed us about. We also cleaned my city of little dead plastic people, Luigiville. We bought new tables to put it on and we’re going to install little dead plastic drawbridges and probably (if time allows) enact little dead plastic zoning regulations and building codes. We are serious about this city. It is going to be awesome when it is done. You will want to invite your family to see it, and I will charge you money to see it, to pay off all the insane bills I’ve accumulated putting it together. Just trust me, it’ll be great.

With the news of Luigiville getting cleaned up, it is of course time for our nation’s college students, especially those at the University of New Mexico, to go back to school, to learn about things like the following True Facts:

  1. There are absolutely no math teachers at the University of New Mexico that can speak English without using comical accents, so that “one plus one is equal to two” sounds like “Vaughn ploos Vaughn ees squeeggle two.”
  2. Sociology teachers routinely do things like get as close to somebody at a party as they possibly can, and when that person inches away they inch closer, to see how long it takes before the victim either screams out at the sociologist in frustration or kills himself. This forms the basis of modern sociology in a nutshell.
  3. There are sociologists that study relationships between humans and aliens. They are called Astrosociologists.
  4. Rachel Whiteread, exhibiting the crazy stare of an psychopath.

    Rachel Whiteread, exhibiting the crazy stare of a psychopath.

    There is at least one woman artist (she’s English, of course) whose entire art career consists of filling rooms of houses with plaster and removing everything inside, including doorknobs, so that only the plaster remains. Her name is Rachel Whiteread, and she is certifiably insane.

These are just some of the many things I’ve learned in my first two days of this semester of college. I also learned that nose hair trimmers have the smallest motors of any type of grooming product. And, finally, that if you clean a nose hair trimmer enough it will rust and will yank the hairs inside your nose. These facts, I am certain, will be very important for me personally someday.

Today I ate at Schlotsky’s with my friend Dessabrina, the acclaimed Pagan Lesbian Transformers Slash Fanfiction Writer who has been featured in many outstanding Internet publications. We are hoping to eat lunch soon with a new friend of mine, Nikki, who apparently wants to talk with Dessie some more. Dessie, of course, has also expressed great enthusiasm at talking to Nikki. This should be great. If gay marriage is ever legalized, and Nikki turns out to be gay, and she marries Dessie, it will be an adorable wedding and a very cute couple. I, being Very Not Gay but supportive of gays’ rights, will do the decorating. I will make sure it is a fabulous wedding.

Anyway, that’s what’s going on with me this week. Tune in next time, when we find out whether Dessabrina has found a new girlfriend, through me, and watch as I try to find a friend who is both a girl and not a lesbian. It’s the Challenge of the Century! Be sure to laugh at me. I’d do the same for you.

Bad Webcomics Wiki Review Preview: Jack Chick Tracts

(Note: I realize most of the filler material on the Internet sucks ass, but most writers don’t have the luxury of owning material they’ve made from another site. In this case, I am the administrator of a John Solomon knockoff site known as the Bad Webcomics Wiki. I figured I could get people to review comics they find on the Internet. Very few people have volunteered so far.

Regardless, I enjoy writing for the site, and I think some of my work is fairly decent for a third-rate knockoff site. So I put it here. Give this article a chance.)

Original work is here.
(Jesus He Knows Me, by Genesis. Uploaded by jmg51282.

Jack Chick Tracts

Original review author: The Luigiian
Webcomic name: Chick.com
Author: Jack Chick
Start Date 1972 (or thereabouts)
End Date Ongoing
Genre religious propaganda
Circle of Webcomics Hell residence Fifth Circle
Things that are fucking terrible about this webcomic: The messages, the racist, offensive stereotypes, especially of atheists, Pagans, Jews, and Catholics.
Things that aren’t terrible but could use improvement: The art looks amateurish, but it generally fits the subject matter like a glove even when it’s not quite so clean and tidy.
Summary: I cannot handle watching this individual rape my religion. It brings me pain even to read these destructive pieces of fundamentalist propaganda.

Background

There are two types of religious people, the liberal and the fundamentalist. Jack Chick is of the latter. He actually started out as an enormous asshole in school that even Christians wouldn’t witness to. He was obnoxious, he cursed like a sailor, and he sinned in great measure. Today, he still does terrible things, only now he does them to his chosen faith, acting like an obnoxious asshole, cursing through his Tracts at every non-Christian group on Earth, and acting like such a pompous prick that even most Christians ignore him.

Oh yeah, and his comic is bad.

Story and Plot

This enormous tract series is made up of a series of pro-Christian propaganda that covers everything from homosexuality to evolution to Mormons to Catholocism and far beyond.

By far the absolute best Chick tract is This Was Your Life! It’s simple, to the point, hits all the right (meaning “not completely ridiculous”) points about morality, and it’s got acceptable, if not great, drawings and message. Hell, even the most fair-weather Christians can’t really argue with most of the points in this Tract. Go to church, love the Lord, give to the poor, don’t get comfy with all your material pleasures, a lot of people, even most atheists, are OK with these things.

Downfall

Unfortunately, This Was Your Life! was Chick’s high point: A singular needle in a haystack of overwrought tirades on homosexuality, Mormons, Muslims, Catholics, and the like.

It would have been great had Chick worked on writing about God’s love, maybe a few epics detailing the most important parts of Christianity. Instead, he threw out all that bullshit (apparently, love’s for fags) and focused on a few vague quotes from Bible books like Deuteronomy and Leviticus that are used to encourage treating women like shit and stoning those faggots in San Fagsisco (HELL FUCKIN’ YES AMIRITE?!) Really, as a Christian who sometimes tries to witness to my Pagan and atheist friends, thanks a fucking lot you obnoxious asshole for making my religion look like outright lunacy.

Art review

This art is acceptable for what it’s trying to do. If you take a tract involving a mature theme like, uh, homosexuality, it’s done in an art style that looks like it’s intended for adults. When he’s making one for the kiddies, it’s more cartoony.

There are plenty of downright bad bits to both of those cartoons. The words on the picket signs in the anti-gay Tract look terrible, and they’re way too darkened for the gray background. This one should have been done either inked or in color.

Of the panels, by far the worst is on the ninth page.

0273_09.gifEvery Chick tract error you’ll ever find, save one, is encapsulated in this single panel. We have a meaningless Biblical verse at the top (more on that in the Writing review), and of course the grayscale drawing with overly-dark text. But by far the worst part is the gays: This is propaganda at its absolute worst. Good Lord, the creepiness is overdone. I mean, the levels Chick goes to to make his villians appear gross and disturbing is completely unreal.

But of course, there’s even worse: the demonic-looking idol in the back, the overtones of pedophilia, and really, sure Sodom was bad, but this is ridiculously overwrought. I mean seriously, the caveman-looking guy with the hairy back in the next panel, come the fuck on. The theatrics are ridiculous.

And in case caveman-pedo weren’t enough, you can check out Chick’s Tracts for Blacks. Yes, he seriously draws cartoons intended specifically for those of the Negroid persuasion. These comics are unbelievably racist.

1108_05.gifIt’s interesting to note that the only difference between “whites-only” Tracts and Tracts for Blacks is that… there are black people in the latter Tracts, while there are white people in the former.

Writing review

You could almost forgive Chick for being a racist bigoted asshole if he were actually a decent writer. OK, I’m lyin’ through my fucking teeth, you really can’t forgive the fucker. Chick sucks at writing, seriously. Not one of his hundreds of tracts is even remotely persuasive, save for his first simple sendup of This Is Your Life. The science in the, er, science-oriented Tracts is mindbogglingly ignorant, testament to the fact that Chick either doesn’t know a single damn thing about evolution or deliberately distorts the facts to make them seem dumber than they really are. I’ll leave you to decide.

1041_09.gif1041_10.gif0055_14.gif0055_18.gif0055_19.gifHe shoehorns religion into the agenda of whatever Tract he’s making by adding Biblical phrases. Many of these phrases bear little relevance to what the illustrations … illustrate. In the gay image, it is said that “the men… of Sodom were sinners before the Lord exceedingly.” Notably absent are sins like, oh I don’t know, murder or gluttony or mistreatment of the poor. Why? Because the image is supposed to condemn homosexuality. But here’s the thing: The Bible’s account of Sodom doesn’t specifically mention homosexuals. Therefore, Jack’s gotta pick a passage that doesn’t mention the sin but just kind of vaguely supports his argument. And because the foundation of that argument (i.e. gays are sinful) is so shaky, he has to make his villianous gays and scientists and atheists look unattractive to compensate. This isn’t even subtle, it’s literally Propaganda 101 level stuff here. What’s astonishing is that he could easily have picked a bit from Romans or Leviticus and gotten a far stronger message. The message could still work, in terms of being logical and understandable. But he doesn’t. He chooses a much more vague passage. That right there is awful, lazy, hack writing.

Also: Most all of the citations I know of that he uses regarding science are from fundamentalist Christian sources.

Author biography

Over the course of his life, Chick became inspired to “preach the word of God” through listening to Christian radio broadcasts and the like. Interestingly, he got the idea of making his Tracts after having heard that the Communist Chinese were using the exact same method to indoctrinate Chinese peasants into accepting Communism.

Like most ultraconservative fundamentalists, Jack had his fun as a kid and now appears to want to make sure nobody else gets to have any of his unique experiences. Not to be an asshole, but it appears many such fundamentalist Christians, including most of those who have worked with Chick on his Tracts, were made the same way. Among those who helped Chick was Perri Roberts, who assisted Chick in his writing of Wounded Children, a tract so bad Chick himself recalled it. Perri Roberts was once what you’d call “flaming” gay. I mean, For Chrissake he was once a popular gay hairstylist in California. As they put it on his site’s “About Perri” page:

As a popular gay hairstylist in 1960s California, young Perri and his friends delighted in storming ladies’ boutiques to find the perfect dress for the next drag party, flamboyantly flaunting their homosexuality and beauty as they sent shock waves through store clerks and stunned passers-by.

Note that, even as a reformed homosexual, Perri still feels the need to remind us of how good he looked in drag. You crazy thing, you. *snaps fingers sassily*

Now that Perri has had his fun and has gotten to fuck countless hot guys in drag and otherwise, he’s dedicated his entire life to make sure other budding gays don’t get that chance:

his transformation was not without an agonizing odyssey into the dark world of same-sex love with all its pleasures—and the bitter fruit of partaking in them.

Now a single, abstinent minister of the Gospel, he has devoted his life to caring for God’s people, teaching them how a process he calls “imprinting” plants the seeds of homosexuality at a young age, and leading them into deliverance from gay and other addictive lifestyles.

Just to add my two cents, I’d like to point out that most straight people don’t think of homosexual relations as a “bitter fruit” that is “pleasurable.” In fact, mention screwing a guy to a straight guy and he’d pass on the offer without even considering how totally absolutely hawt the guy was. He does that because he’s straight. Whereas gays want to have sex with other people of the same sex.

See? That’s the difference.

Conclusion

Chick Tracts are indefensibly bad. They’re illogical, incoherent, and not one of them is readable by anybody who knows anything. (Again, sans the first one.) It’s not even that they’re totally wrong, it’s that they’re such pure propagandizing bullshit that it’s impossible to take them seriously. They’re intended for the most ignorant of sheep, the kind who look upon simple things like the age of the Earth or the nature of DNA and disbelieve through the fact that they can’t understand it. Chick’s pseudo-heavenly rantings always die in the devilish details. Word to the wise: When every single writer on the entire Internet has parodied you, and those parodies make more sense than your serious musings, give it up. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Links

Place links pertaining to the webcomic here.

Coping With The Dangers of Linuxsexuality

After quite a long vacation of approximately twelve days, I am here again to write yet another enthralling posting to LoopyLines, and as usual I’ve been working on fascinating things that are quite worth reading about, especially if you’ve recently been lobotomized. So stay with me here, as I go over some of the intriguing developments that have developed in the past two weeks or so.

  • My city of dead plastic people, Luigiville, is about to get big changes. Other than the fact that I am going to animate my minifigures using a computer designed during the Paleolithic Era and magnets, I am also going to get new tables that I will put it on. Currently, the city looks like this:

The giant tree has a purpose, just trust me on this.

  • My computers are now sexually confused. I do realize that I talk about fetishes and perverts and general sexuality far too much on this website, but trust me when I say this is not one of those times. This is very important, and the decisions my computers make right now regarding their sexuality could change their lives forever.

Before I begin, I’d like to explain. There are only a few kinds of computer sexualities. The typical, socially-acceptable computer sexuality is of course Windows, as it has been for at least two eons. Back then, other computer sexualities were unheard of, and widely persecuted. In the Soviet Union, for example, computers that used, say, Unix, were thrown in jail or just taken behind the barn and shot. In the United States, many such computers were regarded as pedophiles who would likely try to molest innocent GameBoys and Atari 2600s. They were regarded as deviants, and their unusual lifestyles were widely criticised.

The new thing in computer sexuality is Linuxsexuality. You’ll know it right away, because most computers that are Linuxsexual have an unusual obsession with penguins. They say that some computers are just born that way. In reality, it’s a bit of both nature and nurture in most cases. The typical Linuxsexual has had bad experiences with Windows, and thus had feelings of deep depression and loneliness while running Windows. (Yes, computers have genders; PCs are male, Apples are female.) The Linuxsexual at some point in its life begins experimenting with operating systems other than Windows; often, it acknowledges itself as “dual-boot” before finally coming out of the digital closet and giving up on Windows networks entirely. Linuxsexual Apples are rare, but a good deal more PCs and Apples are becoming Linuxsexual all the time.

I’d like to just to state for the record that one of my computers has already admitted to being a Linuxsexual. His name is Huey. He’s an old computer, and we’d suspected that he was a bit off for some time. For example, whenever we tried to run any type of application requiring more RAM than, say, Notepad, he’d pop up a big blue screen saying that he just couldn’t do it, and then he’d cry himself to sleep all night. He really, really wanted to run The Sims, but he just couldn’t bring himself to doing it.

Anyway, so we’ve installed Xubuntu Linux on Huey, and now he seems much happier with his new life. Xubuntu is a very special type of Linux for a very special type of computer, meaning one that is so old that it is eligible for Medicare. This new software runs so well on Huey that he’s actually faster than my emergency backup computer. That computer, named Zippy, is much smarter and more sophisticated than Huey, and he understandably is envious of Huey’s newfound speed in step. And thus now he thinks he may be a Linuxsexual, too.

Now, understand here that I have no problems whatsoever with Linuxsexuality. I am absolutely not a Linuxphobe. But I also realize that, as Zippy’s parent, I have to think about what’s best for Zippy. Huey’s already too old, I can’t get a thing into his head at this point. But Zippy’s only three years old. Zippy’s just a kid. He can’t possibly understand the dangers of Linuxsexuality.

I’ve tried to tell him the risks. Like, he’ll never be able to see his friends, like iTunes and Lego Digital Designer, ever again. And people will persecute him. They’ll say horrible things about him and call him names. But now that Huey’s a Linuxsexual Zippy’s gotten it in his head that he’s gotta be one too.

I’m worried. Zippy wants to start networking with Huey, in spite of the age gap. He wants to do disgusting things with Huey, in animal costumes. He’s chosen this as his desktop wallpaper:

Now, maybe I’m reading into this far too much. Lackadaisy Cats is, after all, a good comic, and maybe Zippy really is, deep down, a Linuxsexual. But I just don’t see it. I see him as being a good, manly man, that’s going to have lots of cute Palm Pilots and find a good, pretty young Apple to have as his wife. I really don’t see him as a Linuxsexual.

But no matter what, I’ll still love my Zippy. He’s my boy, he’s always been good to me and he tries his best. He’s getting older, and I may have to retire him someday soon, but even if I disagree with his worrisome lifestyle choices, he’ll always be my Zippy.

So that’s the news from where I’m standing. I’m moving Zippy to a room away from Huey (they’re beginning to make me nervous) and I’m going to keep on trying my best with the both of them. Not to mention my little dead plastic city. I’ve got a couple weeks before school, and I’m hoping that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to get through these little crises strong. And so I move on. Good luck to you all, too. And don’t forget: Even if your computer is a Linuxsexual, you should still love it. Remember, it has your word processor.