(Kansas, “Magnum Opus”. From Leftoverture. Submitted to Youtube by user panosc2.)
The last few days were important days for me. They were of course not important days for our country, because realistically President Barack “Saddam” Hussein Obama “Bin Laden” has been President since Sarah Palin mentioned, via Tina Fey of Saturday Night Live, that she could see Alaska from her house. At that moment, any hope, any prayers that maybe, just maybe Sarah Palin was not a complete and utter dunceface from another planet were shattered. America was afraid that the same stupid people that elected George W. Bush for two terms would actually vote for this woman to become President of the United States, pending John McCain’s untimely and totally-not-expected death by the tag-team duo of Father Time and Mister Heart Disease. Americans watched, suspiciously via binoculars, at their neighbors’ windows at night, looking for any signs that their neighbors might vote Republican, and possibly so that they might see their neighbors’ wives’ barely-legal daughters wearing frilly undergarments.
In the end, everyone voted for Barack Obama, as they were supposed to, and anybody that voted for McCain didn’t matter, because they’re just racist ignorant retarded rednecks anyway, and very few people were actually charged with voyeurism, so everything worked out OK in the end. Barack Obama took the Oath of Office, although Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts required an interpreter at several points and may have to secretly administer the Oath again. (Update: And then after that Oath they may have to do it again because the Christian conservative Roberts forgot his Bible.) Several singers belted out African American soul versions of various patriotic tunes. Gay people in the streets are still angry, because nobody will listen to them. And of course I still haven’t gotten the green Toyota Tacoma pickup truck I’ve wanted since I began to want one a couple years ago. As an aside, just recently I checked one out at our local Toyota dealership. Everybody agreed that it was a nice enough vehicle, but that it was “not suitable for road trips” as its back seat is approximately as comfortable as a Medieval church pew and much less attractive.
Of course, much more important things happened in the past three days or so. For example:
- Just now, while writing the last full paragraph, my leg touched some gum somebody stuck to the bottom of the computer table I’m writing at.
On the TwoKinds forums, forum poster “SpikeRulesHell”, the one who I said “claimed to perform oral sex on his cats” when I wrote my review of TwoKinds, has said that he “has never actually had sexual relations with any living creature, human or otherwise”. This was not terribly shocking to anybody on the forums or in the known universe. The idea that SpikeRulesHell has actually had sex is as laughable as the idea that I’ve had sex. The idea that either of us have gotten to have sex with any other living being is so laughable, in fact, that the late comedian George Carlin often used it in his stand-up routine.
- We, meaning “my closest family consisting of my mother and grandmother, and a dog that was never toilet-trained,” cleaned our house on Sunday and Monday this past weekend. If you know us personally, you will know that this is an event that is, by conservative estimates, as momentous as the moment Christ comes back to Earth, in that it happens on basically the same timeframe. While cleaning our house, we came across many artifacts from our dog, which she had deposited underneath her leopard-print dog bed and never informed us about. We also cleaned my city of little dead plastic people, Luigiville. We bought new tables to put it on and we’re going to install little dead plastic drawbridges and probably (if time allows) enact little dead plastic zoning regulations and building codes. We are serious about this city. It is going to be awesome when it is done. You will want to invite your family to see it, and I will charge you money to see it, to pay off all the insane bills I’ve accumulated putting it together. Just trust me, it’ll be great.
With the news of Luigiville getting cleaned up, it is of course time for our nation’s college students, especially those at the University of New Mexico, to go back to school, to learn about things like the following True Facts:
- There are absolutely no math teachers at the University of New Mexico that can speak English without using comical accents, so that “one plus one is equal to two” sounds like “Vaughn ploos Vaughn ees squeeggle two.”
- Sociology teachers routinely do things like get as close to somebody at a party as they possibly can, and when that person inches away they inch closer, to see how long it takes before the victim either screams out at the sociologist in frustration or kills himself. This forms the basis of modern sociology in a nutshell.
- There are sociologists that study relationships between humans and aliens. They are called Astrosociologists.
There is at least one woman artist (she’s English, of course) whose entire art career consists of filling rooms of houses with plaster and removing everything inside, including doorknobs, so that only the plaster remains. Her name is Rachel Whiteread, and she is certifiably insane.
These are just some of the many things I’ve learned in my first two days of this semester of college. I also learned that nose hair trimmers have the smallest motors of any type of grooming product. And, finally, that if you clean a nose hair trimmer enough it will rust and will yank the hairs inside your nose. These facts, I am certain, will be very important for me personally someday.
Today I ate at Schlotsky’s with my friend Dessabrina, the acclaimed Pagan Lesbian Transformers Slash Fanfiction Writer who has been featured in many outstanding Internet publications. We are hoping to eat lunch soon with a new friend of mine, Nikki, who apparently wants to talk with Dessie some more. Dessie, of course, has also expressed great enthusiasm at talking to Nikki. This should be great. If gay marriage is ever legalized, and Nikki turns out to be gay, and she marries Dessie, it will be an adorable wedding and a very cute couple. I, being Very Not Gay but supportive of gays’ rights, will do the decorating. I will make sure it is a fabulous wedding.
Anyway, that’s what’s going on with me this week. Tune in next time, when we find out whether Dessabrina has found a new girlfriend, through me, and watch as I try to find a friend who is both a girl and not a lesbian. It’s the Challenge of the Century! Be sure to laugh at me. I’d do the same for you.