Buying Tips For The All-New Vomit Green Escape

There’s something infinitely depressing about a weekend. You know, it’s boring, and you don’t get to work, or go to school, and instead have to just sit around doing nothing when you could be having sex with girls in school bathrooms. (This is, of course, assuming you can convince a girl to have sex with you, which in my case is like attempting to convince a pig to wear a tuxedo.) This Friday, I was especially sad and depressed at the upcoming weekend. And so my mother satisfied my urge for something interesting, unique, unusual to do, by buying a car.Well, technically, it wasn’t to satisfy me. It was more like, we went to a Mexican food restaurant in Albuquerque called “La Hacienda”, which means “The House” in Spanish (named for the fact that it was once an office building), and she said that, since we couldn’t go fishing, we could look for cars and computers. We’ve needed both for a while. So we go out there, to CarMax, and my mother realizes she has to have a Ford Escape. She’d never seen one before, and she had been wanting a Focus, because she felt as if that was a good choice. But then, after taking one look at that interior, with its distinctive black plastic look and lack of woodtrim, she just knew. You know what I mean? Yeah, I’m sure you do. So I’m going to force you to shut up now.

Not seriously. Seriously, on the other hand, we then left to look at CompUSA and Circuit City, probably because we felt like it. But then we kept on moving, looking for another dealership, and so we just went up to the dealership on our hill. If you’ve ever been to Albuquerque, you know the one I’m talking about, because it has a comically large flag draped patriotically over the dealership, which had a Mustang in its lot named “Eleanor”, which is apparently the actual car name that Ford gave them to use, probably named after former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt (1837-1969). Ugh. But nevermind, so we went there, and we saw several of these little Explorers. My mother looked at them, and I steered her toward an orange one, which I felt was perfect for her, and also because all the other Escapes were “Tungsten Green”, whenever a better name would be “Seafoam Green”, or “vomit green”:

(Photo courtesy Tom Arthur on flickr.com)

We bought it, probably because we felt like it. And we brought the new truck home, and my grandmother, who was born apparently at the last Stone Age and who remembers back in the days when horse-drawn wagons could be had for the same cost as an average house today, was characteristically disgusted, like the French, only worse because the French are all the way over in Europe a bazillion miles away, whereas Grandma is in our front room, and she (understandably) gets angry when we go ahead and buy a brand-new, $20,000 orange car without even a phone call.

So let me tell you about this car: It has the largest engine my mother’s budget could afford (the smallest one); the most extras we could ever want (none); and a complete lack of any safety features or refinement.

It’s perfect.

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Living in A Slimeocracy: A Real Life Tale of A Victim of Politics

'Robert

(Photo courtesy Bottle_Depot.)

 

Robert Redford, in the film The Candidate, plays Bill McKay, a formerly idealistic kid who is corrupted by the American system of politics into becoming a puppet of the Democratic party. We wish this were an exaggeration.

In our nation these days (which come threateningly close to my birthday), people wearing business suits begin to crawl out of the slime from which they were born and begin campaigning for themselves by attacking other “people of the slime.” They are called “politicians” and they exist because, in days long before us, when people drank far too much, a group of evil men called the “founding fathers” decided that it was best that the people of their lands (which happened to be near modern New Jersey) rule over themselves, thus preventing the sort of terrible Rule by Little Old Lady that occasionally occurs in places with poor dentists like England. But then they realized that there was a problem with this system, such as that there were far too many people that would vote for things like, for example, banning lawyers, which actually happened in Georgia (whose Governor, not that it matters, was then named Oglethorpe). Since all the people in this sacred group of document-writers were lawyers, this could be a terrible thing, especially since they’d just given these people tarring and feathering equipment. So they decided upon a sort of Slimeocracy.It works like this: People made of slime are born (in New Jersey–I know many of you think that politicians like George W. Bush are from Texas. They are; George W. Bush isn’t a politician, because politicians have to be smart enough to convince a large population of people that they are not stupid), and they are sent to a swampy, haunted marsh between Virginia and Maryland called Washington, D.C. There, they congregate into devil-worshipping pedophilia cults called the “Senate” and “House of Representatives”, whose abbreviations (check them if you like) are SEN and HOR. There, the House of SEN and the House of HORs come up with wacky laws that everybody else is forced to arrange their lives around, such as that toilet tanks cannot contain more than 1.6 gallons. I am sure that you are thinking I am joking; but those of you who have EVER bought a toilet know exactly what I am talking about.

Now, of course there are many slimy things in human life. There is seaweed, for example, or Ron Popeil. But Slimeoticians are by far the worst. For example, here are some real-life quotes from the latest elections:

  • “Jim Bibb has never practiced law for the last two years.” (Gary King campaigning against Jim Bibb)
  • “How can we trust Gary King to fight corruption, if he skipped votes to protect our kids?” (Jim Bibb campaigning against Gary King)
  • “Liberal [very bad word, apparently] Patricia Madrid says that we should wait to intercept a terrorist call until after ‘the paperwork’ is filed” [referring to obtaining a constitutionally-prescribed warrant]” (Heather Wilson campaigning against Patricia Madrid)
  • “Heather Wilson took more campaign contributions from sexual predator Mark Foley [the representative] than any other representative in Congress” (Patricia Madrid campaigning against Heather Wilson)

There are probably countless more of these sorts of deceptive ads around where you live. Now, of course, I know that there are some things more irritating than these ads (such as the latest Head On commercial, which has a woman complaining about how irritating Head On commercials are while appearing on a Head On commercial). But, however, it should be noted that neither Patricia Madrid nor Heather Wilson appear in either of them. And, apparently, Head On’s product works really well, as the paid actors said.

The other sort of campaign advertisement is the weepy type, where sad/inspirational music plays in the background and the candidate comes on camera talking about how much she loves this state and how much she loves you and how much she wishes she could kiss you right on the lips right now. In my opinion, this commercial is marginally less irritating, if only because it doesn’t involve mud. A variant of this is the classic type, which is least irritating and basically says that the candidate is the man for the job. I wish people would use this nice and somewhat classy type of advertisement to shout out about themselves, rather than attacking others.

Either that, or we can vote using electrodes. Candidates, your call.

I apologize for the latest update.

The latest update to this site, which is below this one, is now “under quarantine”. What that means is, I’m not suggesting for a moment that anyone read it. It sucks. That is all.

The Worst Lego Series Ever

There are a lot of books on the worst cars on the road. There are also a lot of books on the worst, the stupidest, or the most corrupt politicians, homes, designs, in-laws, criminals, and even college book reports and essays. But, there’s one thing that (to my knowledge) nobody’s ever harped on, and that’s Lego. I’m sure that many of you reading this are thinking immediately of Star Wars, ExoForce, and Bionicle sets. So am I:

1. The ENTIRE Avatar/ExoForce Series

AUUUGH. I’m 17 freaking years old, not twelve. So what? After all, Legos are for kids, aren’t they? Well, yes, but back as recently as 2004 Lego sets didn’t have their own TV shows on Nickelodeon. Back then, you know, Legos were designed so it didn’t matter how old you were, you could still have fun with them. There were Star Wars kits, but plenty of adults like Star Wars. Now, of course, you have this:

LEGO’s pioneering foray into making Japanese samurai knockoff cartoons.

Having to find these pictures was bad enough, but having to put them on my webpage so you’ll understand what I’m talking about is even worse. Having my beloved Legos being turned into stupid cartoons is sickening. Here are some other reasons you might feel a little queasy right now:

1.) It’s racist. This new Airbender, Avatar and ExoForce crap exists because kids like anime, and Lego is banking on that selling its bricks. What they don’t realize is that their Lego figures look decidedly stupid with anime expressions on their faces. I submit:

Behind that red hair and bizarre expression is another expression, only angry because LEGO figures have angst.

I’m sorry, this doesn’t even look like anime. It looks like this one show that was made by Canal France under the same premise. The fat, round features of a Lego figure are completely out of proportion with the eyes Lego put on. The only reason we know it’s an anime copout is because of the fake Japanese-style lettering Lego used for its Exo-Force logo.

2.) The sets suck. My cousin bought one for me. Me and him have been playing with Legos since before Lego sold out to the various media that now power almost every single one of its series. They got rid of their old Space, Castle, Exploriens, Space Police, and all of their original series for bland mainstream ones. So he bought me, out of the love for me that he has despite my occasional crankiness, one of these little Exo-Force kits, an orange one named “Uplink”. I admit, mechs are always cool, even when their character has a silly expression on his face and the robot’s exterior is covered with Asian letters. But the robot’s legs were designed so they were hard to move (even for an experienced Lego designer like me, with new ratchet joints so they don’t have free range of movement anymore-an idea that clearly came out of another planet, as I’ve never seen a set that needed ratchet joints), there was no cockpit, and it even lacked an instrument panel. That’s not Lego quality, and so it’s clear to me that it’s just another shill for money from Lego’s desperate advertising department. It’s too bad that my cousin’s thoughtfulness was ruined by Lego’s putting its brand name over its products’ substance.

I think that EXO-Force and Avatar are Lego’s worst ideas ever. Less painful than just plain embarassing, these sets make it hard to like playing with their bricks after you’ve reached puberty.

2.) Spongebob Squarepants Series

Yet another cynical attempt to cash in on a Nickelodeon cartoon franchise. Considering how many obsessive-compulsive adult fans of Lego are out there, it’s amazing that Lego has done so much to make its toy bricks seem so immature. What’s more amazing is, the Spongebob fad went out a long time ago (I can’t remember when, and I’m not going to try to figure it out). So why would Lego even bother to make this silly series when it could be fixing its Lego Factory system to work better?

3.) Bionicle

This should probably be higher. LEGO made its own CG-animated movie series out of this, enticing millions of prepubescent children to spend their allowance on Bionicle masks, shoes, and Lego figures. It would be bad enough, excepting that Lego made brand new (and extra-ugly) pieces for the series:

Apparently, LEGO Bionicle masks can rust as well as fall off.
This would seem to be an attempt to make building with their bricks less time consuming for kids that they apparently think are too stupid and impatient to build with their normal bricks, yet these bricks actually make building more complex, with difficult Technic joints and masks that come off far too easily. It would be first, except that this is long gone. It’s storyline, for the most part, is replaced by:

4.) Knights’ Kingdom

This should be self-explanatory.

Same old easy-to-fall-off masks, only now the Bionicle storyline is replaced by an equally silly one with names like Vladek (which sounds Russian), Mathias, Danju (which sounds vaguely Scandinavian, but I’m sure one of you will know what language Lego stole from to make it), and “Kentis”, which, disgustingly, reminds me of Ken the Gay Barbie Male (I use that term loosely). I bought the one that had a wolf on its shield, solely because it had the wolf on its shield; after it came off (along with his helmet, of course) I never bought another. The one thing I never understood about the shields is, if you’re going to have a shield, why should it be made out of cardboard like the ones on the first toys were?

5.) Batman

Let me get this straight: You’re going to sell me a Lego set based off Batman? Oh, and OF COURSE it’s not just another moneymaking scheme based off buying rights to a media franchise rather than put out houses,police stations, and rocket ships that someone might like to build? You know, like your products used to be?

This one wouldn’t be so irritating if it weren’t for the fact that Batman sucks so badly, and I can’t remember the last time I heard about a Batman movie. Of course, I don’t watch TV much, so I don’t know (thank God).

6.) Star Wars

If you’ve been paying attention to this article, you already know what I’m going to say about this one.


As you can tell, only one of the above series doesn’t have a TV show based off of it. The rest are less bona fide Lego sets than prostitution, as Lego continues to attempt to stop hemmhoraging money and its Lego fans continue to play video games like Grand Theft Auto.What’s really depressing about all of this, when you get right down to it, is that Lego can do better. Why not come out with some more mechs, only without a cartoon show on? Haven’t we had enough Transformers-type cartoons made by companies motivated by greed? What about just making the Lego figures and letting the kids come up with their own storylines? I guess they’re not smart enough for that anymore. And to think, this new “generation” of stupid children began only after 1993, after my cousin was born! Amazing! My cousin, one of the last intelligent members of our great species. Before that, a lot of sets didn’t even have a single character named, and those that did had at most two characters. Two. Now every character has a predefined purpose, has his own cartoon and video game, and two faces, one covered by a wig, and both tacky as hell.Something has to be done! Someone has to stop Lego!Someone’s got to finish his latest Lego Factory design.


Tell me what you think! email me:Luigirepublic@aol.com


Who’s to Blame for Bad Test Scores? Not AP Students

(Note: I know that many of you, especially the people mentioned in this article, are mentioned somewhat hatefully in this article’s context. Please don’t take anything I say here personally, I mean no harm.)

Whenever I want to take off school for a day, I usually don’t feel too bad about it. I’ve got straight A’s and B’s, and that’s while working on this website often, trying to fix our Internet connection constantly, building new structures and working on new features for Luigiville, and occasionally taking out the trash and letting out our dog. So, of course, on Wednesday when I asked my school’s counselor about taking off Friday to go to our city’s Balloon Fiesta (possibly the most important thing to happen in Albuquerque all year) and she said “yes”, I was hardly concerned. After all, what would be happening on that day was a class meeting. I asked about its importance: she said to check with our school’s Activities Director.

So I go to my school’s Activities Office, feeling I would be fine. I asked what would be happening on that day. (I’m paraphrasing here, because after I got done listening to him I nearly had a heart attack from being so pissed and couldn’t remember any of the crap he had said.) And of course you know what he said.

“This is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT”, he said. “IF YOU WANT TO GRADUATE, YOU HAVE TO GO TO THIS. YOU CAN JUST UNCANCEL THAT APPOINTMENT YOU HAD, AND (blah blah blah blah) VOTER REGISTRATION (blah blah blah blah) SCHOOL SPIRIT (blah blah blah) HOMECOMING (blah blah blah blah) CAPS AND GOWNS FOR GRADUATION (blah)!

After listening to him, I seriously felt like an ass for never asking myself exactly why I should want to pass up such an incredibly important “class meeting”. After all, as you can see by his words being in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, he was INCREDIBLY ANGRY at me that I would ever decide that I shouldn’t find out about homecoming, and of course I need to learn about voter registration (I registered weeks ago, as a Democrat, because I’ll be damned if I’m going to support Senate Minority Leader Elect Dennis Hastert and His Perv Posse). The only thing that sounds important to me is the caps and gowns issue, and the guy seemed more interested in the fact that he was going to be talking at the assembly (he referred to himself as “yours truly”) than about the serious issue of where I’ll be getting my caps and gowns (I already know where, by the way–Herff Jones supplies everything to the schools, and they usually give out brochures, so unless they talk specifically about anything else, in my opinion it’s not important).

Walking out of his office, I got so irritated by his confrontational attitude towards the fact that I didn’t want to have to attend another one of my school’s stupid class meetings that I asked my grandmother to drive me home for fear I might have an accident. In fact, I got so stressed out that I got sick from it and decided to take a day off school today. That’s particularly ironic, because I’ll bet that they chose to put the assembly during the Balloon Fiesta’s last Friday for a reason, and I’ll bet it’s not just because that was the only day they could. I think they did it so students wouldn’t try to take off to see the Fiesta on SCHOOL TIME.

I always find it funny that schools harp on their students so much about staying in school every day they can. After all, the students that don’t go to school very often and who ditch don’t get very good grades, as we all see. They don’t go to school, don’t get their homework, and therefore can’t study and don’t pass their tests.

Now, as an Internet author, I know that many of you get your panties in a ruffle whenever anyone who isn’t an “expert” on an issue puts in their two cents, so I’ll just say I don’t have a degree in psychology. In fact, hell, I don’t have any degrees. In fact, scrub that, the only reason I have any knowledge whatsoever on this issue is that I go to school every day with ditchers, people who get low grades, people who have high grades, and their teachers and administrators.

And what have I learned? Well, first off, the reason that ditchers don’t do well in school isn’t primarily because they don’t go. The main reason ditchers don’t do well in school is just because they don’t give a shit. They get sick of teachers, don’t want to do the work, and so they take the chickenshit way out and just don’t go. And then their parents don’t know and don’t care either, which means nobody’s pushing them to strive to better themselves, excepting teachers who already have thirty students in their classrooms that are desperately seeking to get out of this depressing rabble of losers and failures and make something of themselves. That’s why ditchers don’t do well in schools. It isn’t because they don’t go, because I’ve seen a lot of incredibly smart people who could probably do well on tests even though they didn’t finish school, but are smart anyway because of what they learn outside of school. It’s because of pure apathy.

The reason that schools push students to go to school longer is in a desperate attempt to shift blame to the schedules instead of parents who would sue schools if the schools said a thing about how incredibly STUPID some parents are. “Oh, I won’t punish my child for smoking pot or doing drugs, because he’ll do them anyway.” Yeah. “Oh, I’m sure it’s okay for him to ditch every once in a while!” Yeah, right.

Please, parents, stop acting like it’s the school’s fault that your child doesn’t do well. It’s probably yours and your child’s, and if either of you cared more about his abilities and his doing well in life someday, he could probably learn more from school. The way us students that try to go every day, for fear that otherwise we’ll get buried in homework, do. And schools, stop asking us to go to school an extra month every year; the students that care pass your tests with flying colors, and the teachers say they don’t have enough time because they’re trying to figure out your new schedule that doesn’t really give them any more time. Oh, and also, your “class meetings” where they show off the sports team, and your entire “activities departments” that handle these class meetings, aren’t really great ways to use your time or money. Why not pump that money back into classrooms, where the teachers can use it to teach students who want to learn regardless of who’s on the sports team or what the school’s mascot is?

Just trying to help, of course.

LBN Newsnet Radio Transcript: “The Anime Convention”

Rick Lego: Hello, and welcome to LBN Radio News. Today on our program we will be talking to Governor Justin Isaac Depoy to discuss some of the issues at the forefront of Luigiian Republic. Today we will be discussing Governor Depoy’s Anime Convention, which, to say the least, has been somewhat unsuccessful, but, of course, we’ll see Governor Depoy’s stance. Before that, though, let me introduce my panel, consisting of Ms. Rita Lego, Secretary of Defense Luigi Mario, and capping off with Bowserlandian King Bowser. Good evening, gentlemen.

Depoy: Good evening, or should it be good morning, considering the lateness?

RL: Well, that could be argued, but let us get to the key topic in this show. Now, Mr. Governor, everybody’s been talking about your so-called “historic” Anime Convention since you started it in the summer of 2004. Since then… well, why don’t you tell us about it?

D: All right, then. The Luigiian Republic National Anime Convention, for those listeners in the Mushroom Kingdom and Bowserland, is the…

Bowser: This show is censored in Bowserland.

D: Oh. Well, anyway, but, uh, okay. The LRNAC is the name for this part of the Luigiian Constitutional Convention, which has been moving since, oh, I don’t know, like 2000 or so?

RL: Yes, I believe it was started about there, with the Taylor Conventions.

D: Right. Well, it’s called the “Anime Convention” because that was the fad at the time. Like, when everybody started playing video games, it was called the “Video Game Convention.”

RL: You know, I really wish you wouldn’t name them as such, it gets embarassing to try to get foreigners to understand that it doesn’t really involve people wearing hideous Japanese-styled outfits and talking about what Hiroshito did last night or all that garbage.

(laughter)

D: I know, I do it for that reason. (Laughter.) But, you know, right, this convention started around 2004, coming off what’s called the “Golden Convention”, which is considered the best year our country ever had. Good times, good international relations, you know, not a lot of strife here. And in 2004, all of a sudden, we announce there’s going to be anime on LBN, there’s going to be all of this strange newness to our country. And everyone’s scared, asking, what’s going to happen to our international relations? Are we going to be all right? July 29, I remember that date.

RL: A date that will live in infamy, I’m sure.

D: Seriously. All of a sudden, the international relations go down the toilet, interest rates go up, inflation goes up, the stock market goes down, and we find ourselves in a culture war with ourselves. Kids rebel against their parents, and everyone’s blaming the Anime Convention.

RL: Well, it was their fault.

D: I think it was just that nobody was ready for that, and when our allies deserted us, that just made the whole thing worse. I almost had a nervous breakdown that year, keeping the Anime Convention working through. We came close to failing the test, that year.

RL: And yet you kept them another year.

D: No one was ready to give up the fad just yet. So I send them back, and that year wasn’t near death, but it was even more dreadful to preside over. All the fighting, the Senators threatening suicide, it was downright insane. And everybody was wary of others from other countries. We were afraid that they wanted to pop a cap in our collective butts.

RL: In hindsight, did they?

D: I don’t think so. But Senators whined, they were used to getting plunderin’ and wimmins’ from other places, you know? (Laughter.) So they were depressed.

RL: You say this year’s better, you say it’ll be the Anime Convention’s “Golden Year.” Based on the recent protests near the Governor’s Mansion, do you still believe that?

D: You know, I don’t know. I just don’t. We knew last year was going to be a bear, but we came in here rested and ready, and we still have problems.

RL: Have you ever thought about getting the Anime Convention out of office?

D: Of course. This will be their last year at the helm. Next year, we’ll start a “Collegiate Convention” or something as a replacement. Our nation just isn’t equipped to handle that much stupid Japanese cartoonage. (Laughter.) The Anime Convention may stay on as a political party, but they’ve screwed up big time. I told them this year, don’t go after the women, don’t do it, keep your sanity. These foreign women are tough, the language barriers and the different cultures. And they haven’t kept that promise. Every time they go after someone, everyone just feels worse.

RL: Why can’t people just be friends?

D: I don’t know. The Luigiian Republic is known for being… ah… a “troubled” nation. The whole darn MK bloc is.

Luigi Mario: He’s right, you know. These other peoples are a little better adjusted. The Luigiian Republic only came out of its secrecy around, say, 1997. Before that, we were a very secretive people. We still are. And that makes it hard to adjust to all these differing customs.

Rita Lego: Well, as a woman, I have to say I’m ashamed of you boys. You just have to be nice to girls. It isn’t rocket science, you know.

LM: Well, whatever science it is, Anime Conventioneers, like their real-time counterparts, aren’t very good at talking to the ladies. They don’t get it. So, we told them not to wreck their convention. They didn’t take that advice. And now, they will pay the price.

D: Yeah, don’t worry, Rita, we still love you. (laughter) You know though, just thinking, I wish the Anime Convention would…

RL: Yes?

D: Well, I wish it would do something it said it would when we started it. We decided we would resurrect the Video Game Conventions.

RL: But, I mean, Mr. Governor, weren’t those just as troubled as the current regime?

D: Yes, true, true. But it was worth it. Nintendo was worth it back then, playing it. Some of those games helped our soldiers out, too.

Bowser: Well, then, I’m glad it hasn’t worked out.

D: I’m sure.

RL: Hmmm. I suppose we could go on all night, but it appears we’ve run out of time for this portion of the show. Let me ask you one more question, Mr. Governor.

D: Shoot.

RL: Oh, no thanks. But, with regards to the question, how do you plan to rebuild your nation after the fall of the Anime Convention?

D: I really can’t say. I mean, to all those who protest, you hold in your hands the means to bring peace back to our nation. I know it’s hard, but the art of the peaceful right to assembly should be used, not that of violence. Violence will rip us apart, but peaceful assembly can bring forth the creation of new ideas, and can bring us into a new era of peace.

RL: Well, that’s the end of our…

D: May God bless our Luigiian Republic.

RL: Yes, well, right. Now, to end our broadcast day, let’s end with our national anthem…

(Copyright 2006 LBN Newsnet International, Inc. All rights reserved)