BREAKING: AT&T Blocks Mentally Retarded People From Using Service

Yes, sadly AT&T has committed a heinous offense against the mentally retarded after  it recently blocked 4chan for specific regions using AT&T. <–Link to Encyclopedia Dramatica

OK, OK, let’s be honest, in spite of the fact that I think 4chan is stupid, it’s quite clear that this is a bad, bad breach of net neutrality. Many of you who are not 4chan users probably want to defend AT&T in all this, using the classic “aw hell they’re all a bunch of creepy pedos that jack off to cartoon pictures of little girls” logic.

Frankly, so do I. I badly want to defend AT&T in all of this. Because, you know, it’s 4chan. Between the memes and the obnoxious “HAY GUYZ DESU DESU DESU MILHOUSE IS NOT A MEME LET’S DRESS IN MASKS AND SHIT TO STOP SCIFAGTOLOGY TITS OR GTFO” crap, defending 4chan is akin to

[Note: Preceding paragraph edited to prevent 4chan users from dressing in “Fail Guy” masks and harrassing me.]

But I can’t defend AT&T. Denying 4channers access to their favorite site sets a dangerous precedent.

We don’t know what is going on here, at least not yet, but I think it’s quite clear that we need to have a plan for what we’re going to do when this clears up, and by “we” I mean “WordPress users.”

First off, if it turns out to just be an error taking any sort of action against AT&T (such as blocking website ISPs or whatever) would be silly.

And I think it’s quite clear that this is probably just an error, albeit an extremely widespread one. Either that or another minor issue that doesn’t really matter.

But let’s say it gets serious, and it becomes clear that AT&T’s actions went far over the line, and were a breach of the doctrine of net neutrality. What then?

Well, to begin with I don’t know the ins and outs of WordPress, but allowing individual users the ability to  block AT&T corporate ISPs from their personal pages, with a message informing them of the situation involving 4chan and why it is important, might be one possibility. Could WordPress offer this to people? It would certainly seem like a better way of letting /b/tards vent their frustration than what they probably will do otherwise.

I’m still trying to come up with other game plans for those who wish to show AT&T how they feel about the 4chan blockade. If you have any ideas of how people can (peacefully) protest AT&T’s attack on net neutrality (without resorting to DDOS attacks on websites, hacking, personally attacking and harrassing executives, individuals, and employees, or any of the other ridiculous things some less-reasonable /b/tards are probably trying to concoct as we watch) feel free to post them below.

UPDATE (1:06 AM MST JULY 27, 2009): My access to img.4chan.org appears to be compromised. The connection to the server was reset while the page was loading.

This is important because I’m a Qwest customer, not an AT&T customer.

It’s a server malfunction, guys.

Also: I can anticipate your comments now about how this is a pedophilia issue and I admitted it when I said that 4chan users jack off to cartoons of little girls. Currently in the US you cannot take a naked picture of an underaged girl, but you can draw a cartoon of a naked underaged girl being raped by tentacles. You can also jack off to it. I am in the clear, assholes.

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Foods and Food Words I Think Need to Go Away

Yesterday I felt like a quick snack before bed, so I got a pickle and a block of cheese. When I went to slice off a piece,  I read the package. It said, “Baby loaf.” I immediately lost my appetite. Sorry, I don’t feel like eating a slice of baby loaf. I’m against eating babies, and their loafs for that matter.

I think packaging and food alike are conspiring to try to make Americans less fat by using names that sound unappetizing. Not that I’m against this goal. I mean, when almost half the entire country is as round as a small planet, I think it’s safe to say that anything that keeps people out of the fridge is a good thing. But still. I’m not fat. Therefore, I want them to give me different packaging.

There’s a lot of things to say about packaging, which I will get to some other day when I have the time. But when we get around to fixing our current culinary situation, here are a few things to start with.

  • Please no references to bodily functions. There is only one thing that should be called a “loaf”, and that’s a loaf of bread. Any sort of “loaf” that is pinched off-a sausage loaf, for example, where you pinch off the ends–should be renamed, because it makes me heave. It might also behoove us to rename meatloaf, and cheese loafs. Especially since you have to cut the cheese loaf. I don’t want to be reminded in the name of what I’m going to be doing after eating one of these products.
  • Pumpernickel means “devil’s fart” in German. No, seriously, look it up. We need to rename this. I don’t want devil’s fart bread. That’s about as appetizing as naming chocolate pudding “Satan’s Cum”. Which incidentally I don’t want to eat either.
  • Angel food and devil’s food are both terrible names. Devil’s food tastes way too good to be named after Satan. Angel food is overly sweetened shit. And isn’t the name racist anyway? We name the dark-colored food after the Devil and the white-colored food after angels? Gimme a break. This has been stated before by just about everybody, but cut the racist shitty names. I think we should name angel’s food cake “shitty cake” and name Devil’s food cake “good cake”. Cut the bullshit.
  • German chocolate cake is not named after Germany, it’s named after the person that made it. It’s named after the chocolate they make it out of, namely, Baker’s German’s Sweet Chocolate. Baker’s was the company, it was made by a guy named German and it was sweet chocolate. It should be called “German’s Chocolate Cake.” It’s his fucking chocolate, give the man some respect.
  • Same thing with Baker’s chocolate. Named after a guy named Baker. The guy that made it. That’s why the apostrophe is before the “s” and not after it. These guys should have been given better names.
  • A pickle merchant discovered America. So why can’t I get any pickles named after Amerigo Vespucci?
  • By the same token, why did we name American cheese after a continent named after a pickle merchant?
  • Caesar salad is not named after Julius Caesar, it’s named after Caesar Cadini, an Italian-born Mexican. I think somebody should tell this to the Newman’s Own guy, so he stops making an ass of himself by dressing as Julius Caesar on his bottles of Caesar dressing. Unless Caesar Cadini got off on wearing olive wreaths and togas. Hell if I know.
  • And I propose for the betterment of humanity that gefilte fish, lutefisk, high-fructose corn syrup, “natural” food, tofu, anything made of or with tofu, Arby’s, food made out of brains, and food made out of animal testicles or reproductive organs should be stricken from the known universe.

That’s it for now. Remember this overall: We’ve gotta remind these food companies that they make food for us. If we don’t constantly keep them on the right track, one of these days they might go off and name some good iced tea Nestle Piss, or make a new line of chocolate treats named Shitheads. Don’t let ’em tell you what to eat. Give it the name it really deserves. Remember: It doesn’t matter if it’s Aunt Jemima or Betty Crocker, if it tastes like shit there’s only one word that you should use to describe it.

Meme of the Week: “Go On, Try a Linux!”

I propose a new meme be created from the phrase “Go on, try a Linux!” I discovered this phrase on the TwoKinds forums while trolling talking with its members, and I believe it is a good phrase. It is strange, makes no sense, and is stupid, and is therefore quite capable of being a very good meme.

Consider the following:

  • Linux is an inherently hilarious operating system, because it isn’t really an operating system so much as it is a party trick which is only useful for awing and astonishing your friends and coworkers at something that still requires that you type words out to install programs.
  • Hardcore Linux users are also hilarious, because they all (that means all of them) have Asperger’s and are severely socially retarded.
  • Linux has that damn penguin as its mascot, and penguins wear tuxedos.
  • Penguins are also funny. Did you see that cartoon with the penguins? Yeah, so did I. That was sure funny, wasn’t it?

And of course let us not forget

  • 4chan users will laugh at anything.

In light of these facts, I believe that this phrase will become a meme by next Thursday. Can’t you just see it? Can’t you just see 4chan users driving this meaningless phrase right into the ground? I sure can:

And there you have it, a perfectly logical scenario for my “Go on, try a Linux!” meme. I predict that I will wish I had never found this. Even if 4channers don’t use it it’s close enough to the shit they come up with that it’s almost like they’ve already used it. It’s pretty much already being used, just in different phrases. I’ll bet when you saw this title you thought, “Gee, I wonder when I’ll be seeing that one around Encyclopedia Dramatica.” That’s just the kind of phrase this is. You just feel like it’s already being used. Even if it’s not.

I can’t wait for someone to use this… this thing. It will make Milhouse a meme. And we all know what happens when that happens.

Top News Reports of the Week: July 6-12, 2009

4chan strikes again.

Pennsylvania- According to reports from NBC News Philadelphia, more than 60 black kids from northeast Philadelphia, Pennsylvania were turned away from a private club because of their skin color. Not reported: The kids were actually afro-wearing white 4chan nerds wearing blackface, and they were out to get the pool closed.

Ontario- A man rapes his unconscious sister by giving her head. And here you thought only Southerners did that sort of thing. Southerners are different, silly. They only do that with the cows out back.

Las Vegas- Senator John Ensign’s parents have given the man’s hired prostitute mistress a swift kick in the ass nearly $100,000 to shut her up “out of concern for the well-being of longtime family friends during a difficult time.” Clearly Ensign got a raw deal. I mean, seriously, how much does it cost to hire a good hooker in Vegas? Two hundred bucks, tops?

Man, my parents bought me a car for high school. Next time I’m gonna have to ask for more. I’m gettin’ gipped here.

EXCLUSIVE NAKED EMMA WATSON PICTURE.

EXCLUSIVE NAKED EMMA WATSON PICTURE.

Harry Potter premiere in U.K.- Emma Watson’s clothing comes apart, showing her bra and panties. This, coupled with Heddy Pottah’s getting naked for his part in the Broadway play Equus, lends credence to the rumors that producers are finally going to give up on trying to make these actors look like prepubescent kids and just turn the seventh Potter into a hardcore porno. Spoiler: Watson gives good head. Better than the head Mr. Incestuous Ontario Pervert gave his sister, I’ll tell you that much for sure.

th_CivilDefenseLogo-1scarySouth Korea- Spies in Seoul have identified North Korea as the culprit of cyber attacks that hit or attempted to hit the White House, Pentagon, State Department, Treasury Department, Homeland Security Department, the National Security Agency, the New York Stock Exchange, NASDAQ, and the Washington Post. And yet our media still focuses on the ridiculous circus that is Michael Jackson’s neverending farewell tribute. Great job, American media dipshits. Two questions: Do we need a building to get hit with a plane before people in the United States finally start paying attention to shit that actually matters? And when is the media going to start doing its job again and START REPORTING THE MOTHERFUCKING NEWS?!

Blue Sky: The Essence of Terrible

Introduction: A Brief Explanation Regarding Hippie Food Stores

There is a craze sweeping the nation, and this craze is extremely similar to earwigs, in that it is also tunneling through people’s ear canals and eating their brains. The craze is hippie food stores, stores which sell food specifically designed to cater to hippies.

If it were just hippies buying this ridiculous food, there would be no problem. But normal people also buy this food, especially yuppies and the mentally disabled*. Now, this doesn’t really make any sense. One would think that marijuana-deadened hippies would not be the ones you’d want to buy your food from, considering that they were willing to eat ketchup-and-mayonnaise sandwiches back in the sixties. These are people that would be willing to put used cigarette butts on toast and eat the resulting tobacco sandwich if they couldn’t find anything else to eat when they started having their marijuana-induced munchies.

*People that voluntarily eat tofu.

But no. Thousands upon thousands of mentally-challenged yuppies, all over these United States of America, are willing to spend their hard-earned dollars on food chosen by dirty hippies. Naturally (excuse the pun) all of this food is exactly what you would expect it to be. Here’s a rough estimate of what kind of food is stocked at hippie food stores:

  • Food that tastes like shit: 123.5%

As you can see, by my estimates approximately all of the food at hippie food stores tastes like shit. The extra 23.5% is because the food at these stores is so bad that it actually makes food from other stores taste like shit.

Let’s say you buy some food from Albertson’s one day. Very preservative-laden, fatty, and abhorrently unfriendly to the environment. Basically some real good food.

wiccan_hippie_food_storeiv

This is Celestial Raven, owner of Happy Apple Farmer's Market. She would be happy to serve you.

Well, let’s say the next day you buy from Happy Apple Farmer’s Market, run by Celestial Raven, who practices Wicca. She only sells hemp seeds, natural tofu, organic produce, and various spices that are to spice what Phil Collins is to music. She doesn’t want you shopping at Albertson’s. She wants you shopping at Happy Apple Farmer’s Market. So she uses her bizarre Wiccan powers to put a spell on every piece of food she sells. She makes the spell so that it transfers its bland, boring taste to everything around it. She makes sure of this. She is afraid that if only her food tastes like bland nutritious garbage, you’ll stop buying her food.

So if you put Albertson’s food next to food from Happy Apple Farmer’s Market, the latter will make the former taste like salted cardboard. And it’ll cost more, too, due to the spell waves emanating from the food from Happy Apple Farmer’s Market. It’s a very strong Wiccan spell.

Sunflower Market

Hippie food stores take different forms all over the United States. For example, here in Albuquerque they have the “Sunflower Farmer’s Market”, and their slogan is “Serious food, silly prices”.

If by "serious" you mean "shitty", and by "silly" you mean "ludicrously high".

I have tried the “organic” food in Sunflower Market, and I can vouch for the fact that it is some of the most serious food I’ve ever tasted. After all, there is nothing fun about eating it at all.

Sunflower Market pretends to be a cutesy-poo little flower of a food store by adding cute little fonts to everything. Everything has its own font, and a piece of clipart. You go to the produce section, there is a produce font. You get meat, there is a meat font. You want olives, there is an olive font.

If you go to Smith’s, you get food. If you go to Sunflower Market, you get clipart and fonts.

These stores are concentrated around New Mexico, Arizona, Texas, Colorado, Utah, and Nevada, and their central theme is that they try way too hard to be “home-grown, good ol’ nat’ral food” stores. One would think this would mean most of the food would come from near the store (in this case Albuquerque, New Mexico), but no, I go there and most of the food comes from Mexico or California. Most of the food from New Mexico is salsa, on a little shelf off to the corner marked “FOOD GROWN IN NEW MEXICO!”. Thank God. I would not trust Californians to make salsa for me if they were the last Western peoples on earth. They’d probably add habanero peppers and hemp seeds. And then they’d restrict its right to marry the same sex by constitutional amendment.

Blue Sky Soda: The Drink Hippies Like

One of the many products in Sunflower Market that comes from Satan’s asshole California is Blue Sky soda.** I tried their “Organic” root beer, which they call “Root Beer Encore”. It is the most terrible root beer I have ever tasted. It is worse than Barq’s Root Beer, it is worse than drinking Gatorade, it is worse than drinking rhinoceros piss. If you like Blue Sky soda (God help you) I can only assume that your taste buds are burnt off, probably by the habanero peppers you eat in California. Because it is terrible. God is it ever terrible.

**It says “Santa Fe, New Mexico” on the front, but it’s actually made in Corona, California at this point. It actually got sued over this.

Let me write it out in large bold red letters for you:

BLUE SKY “ROOT BEER ENCORE” IS SHIT.

It would be flashing, but I can’t use CSS until I finally find a half-decent webhost. Close enough.

The kind I got was “USDA certified organic”, and had “real cane sugar.” Judging from just the taste of the drinks I’ve yet tasted with actual sugar in them, I would guess that sugarcane is the most disgusting substance on planet Earth, followed closely by high-fructose corn syrup. I mean, seriously, Mexico gets Coca Cola with real sugar, while the closest we can get is Blue Sky “Organic”?

When the version of a soda with sugar in it is more disgusting than the version with high fructose corn syrup, SOMETHING IS WRONG.

Is this some kind of conspiracy or something? Do I have to invade Europe to get some actual sugar in my system without subjecting myself to this disgustingly fruity and tasteless crap?

I guess so. Let’s get some AK-47s from the army surplus store, looks like it’s time to invade Germany again. And possibly Poland. Hey, it might not be nice, but we’d might as well invade Poland. It’s not like the Poles could stop us.

I guess that big American corporations think sugarcane-sweetened carbonated beverages are the kinds of drinks that hippies like. The real sugar must go along well with Doors albums and Volkswagen buses. Good to know.

The Truth About Hippie Food Stores, And Who is Responsible (Aging Baby Boomers)

Like hippies, all of the kinds of foods they sell at “farmer’s markets” are flavorless, bland, and annoying. This food tries to make people feel like they’re making a difference by eating food grown and prepared without preservatives or growth hormones, but all it really does is allow lazy and brainless tools to go through life without doing anything productive or beneficial to the human race.

Frankly, I blame the Baby Boomers. Baby Boomers are just as flavorless, bland and annoying as hippies, and they are equally obsessed with achieving some kind of unobtainable enviro-green future where we all drive recycled hybrid cars and fart oxygen and pixie dust out our asses. Bullshit, I say. Give me a camper trailer. Fuck Toyota Priuses, I want to see the forest, not imprison myself to living in some paved-road shithole subdivision where the people are all pasty-white middle-class zombies and everybody drives environmentally-friendly cars in some kind of surreal dystopia.

Conclusion

EVERYTHING MUST HAVE ITS OWN FONT

EVERYTHING MUST HAVE ITS OWN FONT

I think people who go to these stores think a little too much of themselves, don’t you? I mean, maybe I’m just a moron. Maybe I just can’t appreciate the subtle classiness of buying your Keystone “Light” beer for an extra five dollars at the local “farmer’s market” and buying only foodstuffs that have the words “Natural” and “Organic” emblazoned right on the box in Comic Sans MS font .

But let’s look at the facts. First off, how in the hell is a store like this a “farmer’s market”, anyway? I don’t see any farmers when I go there. Some may have a garden or a couple horses, but I don’t see any farmers peddling their wares anywhere. Hell, I wish they had farmers at the “farmer’s market”. I could buy food from them directly, rather than through a faceless corporation that puts mooing cows on its homepage in a misplaced attempt to appear rustic and homely.

Because let’s face it: These hippie food stores are just big corporate monoliths, and are just like any other supermarket chain. The only difference between a hippie food store and a regular supermarket is that a hippie food store sells organic food at higher prices. Also its board of directors regularly participates in a drum circle. Their conference table may also be shaped like the peace sign.

And while some people may look at all of the peons down below them in the social hierarchy and think how intelligent and classy they are for buying only grain-fed hormone-free free-range naturally-raised humanely-killed organic home-grown all-American wave-the-flag-around-awhile-while-we-roast-this-dead-cow ground beef, we gotta remember that most people don’t buy their food from Albertson’s or Wal-Mart because they want to, it’s because they can’t afford better.

Y’know, I’m not saying Wal-Mart is great. Hey, it’s gigantic and an eyesore and it doesn’t really have every buyable product known to man. Some of its products aren’t great. Sometimes it doesn’t even have the lowest prices.

So we agree: Wal-Mart’s not perfect. But at least it’s honest.

The Greatest July Fourth Present America Has Ever Been Given

Sarah Palin has resigned from her Alaska governorship.

You’re welcome.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/07/03/palin-to-step-down-not-seeking-re-election/

So that she didn’t milk Alaskans with a lame-duck Governorship, she’s doing the unconventional thing with Alaska and “not taking the quitter’s way out” by resigning and giving over control of the state to Sean Parnell.

We all know that a good point guard, she drives through a full court press, keeping her head up to keep her eye on the basket so she can drive the ball in there. And she knows when to pass the ball (the Alaskan Governorship) for victory. That’s a good safe analogy that Palin felt like making.

There is no mention of wolves, but as you might have guessed I am hoping that this changes soon. I know it won’t, because Alaskans probably want to be able to shoot wolves on sight, but I can dream, can’t I?