Crappy Movie Review: “Nature of the Beast” is Racist Against Werewolves

Werewolf Discrimination

There are times when you don’t even have to watch a movie to realize that it sucks. I know that many of you are coming here wanting a real review of this movie, because you have no taste in movies and you want to do something involving Halloween with your family. I am here to tell you that you are stupid. A romance comedy starring a “werewolf” like that pussy Eddie Kaye Thomas is racist against werewolves.

This–putting a werewolf into a romance comedy–is against all nature.

Werewolves do not star in “romance comedies.” Romance comedies are made for women, the primary food group of werewolves. Werewolves who would attempt to date women would be “playing with their food”, so to speak. Playing with your food is the sign of an infantile mind, as the only people who play with their food after the age of twelve are mentally retarded. Therefore, saying that a werewolf would “play with his food” is suggesting that he is mentally retarded, and that is a racist comment.

Other than that simple fact, the idea that a werewolf would want to stop being a werewolf (as in the case of Eddie Thomas) is yet another derogatory comment, implying that the life of a werewolf is somehow less fulfilling than that of being a human. In fact, the opposite is true: being a werewolf is far more fulfilling than being a human. Werewolves not only get to eat other people, but also get to eat their own young, and also have badass fangs and claws which they can use to kill annoying coworkers and family members at family reunions. Furthermore, they do not have to eat vegetables, as they are carnivorous.

shitty_wolf_costume.jpgThe only true werewolf ever to take the stage is named Michael J. Fox. We know that he in fact became a werewolf after his blockbuster hit Teen Wolf because he grew to have Parkinson’s, as all good werewolves do. The constant adrenaline rush a werewolf gets after eating or killing somebody who has pissed him off eventually causes chronic shaking and a desperate urge to kill more, and this shaking is clearly a sign exhibited by Mr. Fox. The only reason he has in fact not been diagnosed with lycanthropy is because of the simple fact that our current medical establishment refuses to recognize its legitimacy as a disorder (or is that order?) This fact, along with the evidence I have already given, is proof of a secret conspiracy attempting to portray werewolves as limpwristed nancy-boys, and I refuse to accept this sitting down.

In order to further the cause of the werewolf race, I will offer myself up as a sacrificial lamb. That is, I will allow a werewolf to turn me into a werewolf on the date October 31, 2007, or whenever one is available. I do realize that most werewolves, as in the case with today’s modern society, have extremely busy schedules of eating, killing and maiming people, and therefore I will be lenient. I would prefer the date October 30 or 31, as this would allow me to wear a badass costume for Halloween, but afterward is also allowable, as that would allow me to attempt to kill and eat Santa Claus on Christmas. My point is that we need more “cool” werewolves, the kind that perpetuate our race. I am not what one would consider “strong”; I was once attacked by a four-year old girl and lost in the ensuing fight. However, I am an excellent writer, and can write very good essays on the virtues of lycanthropy.

So that’s it; werewolves, the ball’s in your court. If you need more members, I and a select group of friends would be perfectly willing to join. After all, if we don’t join, Eddie Kaye Thomas will. And he will probably bring Eric Mabius with him.

Tell me what you think!