A Profound Commentary on Racism in America, or Something

Whether we know it or not, keeping animals really is a form of slavery.

I know, I know, you love your cats, and your cats love you, and they snuggle with you in bed as you go to sleep at night.

But ask yourself this: Does that make it any less a form of slavery?

I mean, think about it. Way back in the olden days, when men were men and women were beaten, I’m sure many slaves snuggled with their masters. I mean, we already know Thomas Jefferson snuggled with his slaves. Think of the implications! Clearly black people screwing with white people is exactly the same as cats snuggling with you.

And animal slavery is predicated on the exact same excuse as black people slavery was. People said the blacks were better off as slaves. They said black people were less capable and less smart than white people.

And what do we say about animals today? That they’re less capable and less smart than people. White people. We have the black people drive our buses and fold our laundry. See? That’s racism.

And, of course, we have black people take our animals. Brings ’em closer to what they once were: You know, slaves. It has nothing to do with the fact that rich white people don’t want to give up the power and influence they’ve kept from blacks for generations.

I’ll give you an example that I think perfectly illustrates what I’m talking about. Recently my family got into the cat-catching business. They were stalking around our yard, eating and fucking and eating and fucking some more, and we decided enough was enough, and decided to catch them. Now, white cats and white people are exactly the same. It’s true, white cats are just as smart as white people, if not smarter. Same with black cats and black people. Which means that black people are an omen of bad luck if they cross your path. And white cats are boring Protestants who like to play golf and tennis and work way too hard.

And let’s not even get started on brown cats and yellow cats, except that the former like fish tacos and the latter like sushi. Try it. I guarantee if you put out sushi yellow cats will come and if you put out fish tacos brown cats will. You think I’m crazy. Try it. Color-based stereotypes work regardless of age, gender, or species.

Now, white cats and black cats and yellow cats and brown cats are all equally smart. I think we all agree with this. Fur color has nothing to do with anything, most cats are really about the same thought-wise and you can find an equal amount of stupid white cats as stupid black cats. Fur is very similar to skin, in that both serve only to protect the body. But skin color is naturally important, whereas fur color is not. According to some people, anyway. Some people think that hair color is important, but fur color is not. But fur and hair are exactly the same. It’s just that hair is something humans have whereas animals have fur. All animals are inferior to humans. Therefore it doesn’t matter what color their fur is. They all just suck equally.

Except for dolphins, which have no hair and are the smartest. According to racial logic, that means bald humans are the smartest.

Anyway, the cats all got into the cage except for the white kittens. I don’t know why. I think it’s because they were kittens and couldn’t find food for themselves. Hitler would argue that their proud Aryan blood would be corrupted if they ate mongrel food, such as you find in a cage. He would check to see if they had blue eyes and blond fur and would argue that these traits will determine whether these white cats make up the master cat race. Nathan Forrest would argue that the white cats should dress up as ghosts of Confederate cats and place burning crosses in front of black cats’ houses.

I’m still trying to find the kittens, because I’m scared for them. They can’t live on their own. They’re fucking kittens, duh. But they are fascinating creatures, aren’t they?

One of these days aliens are going to come to earth. Picture them in your mind’s eye. They’re green things, looking sort of like Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama only green and with tentacles instead of claw hands.

Now, pretend it’s the year 2012, and the Mayans were right and all the dates were correct and the clock is resetting and therefore the aliens who know of us (a race known as Zorbonians) are coming back to get us. They helped build the Pyramids, and they’re coming back to collect. OK?

Now, unlike us humans, the aliens had a different set of traits. Their planet was differently designed. OK? Picture this. They are exactly the same as us intellectually, except for a few things.

They have far more diseases than we do. They have an alien disease that causes boils to form on the sufferer. The victim dies of excruciating pain quickly. But the aliens have developed genetic immunities to this disease.

In addition, their planet, Zorbon, was differently aligned. Our planets’ continents are arranged more North-South. There’s a huge ocean between the eastern and western hemispheres on our planet, where instead of having one solid cluster of continents we have two big huge ones in the Western hemisphere, one in the southeast, one sort of in the middle of all of these and one big horizontal one, and the latter is the one where most civilization started, mostly in the middle.

Whereas the aliens’ planet has one big solid cluster of continents, like Pangaea, only very much centered near the Equator of the planet. This makes it far easier for the aliens to move crops from one region to another, because most of the middle of this continent is all of about the same temperature, and therefore they don’t have to worry about planting corn in the different temperatures of Mexico and Wisconsin or whatever. Their primary crops encompass cereals, leafy greens, legumes, and starches even from the outset of the creation of their civilization, and therefore most of these regions have peoples with good nutrition. Because of their extraordinarily good luck, they are able to develop without any sort of malnutrition.

Because they didn’t have to worry as much about starving to death, they were able to find other ways to kill themselves. They developed bows and arrows extraordinarily quickly, and then moved immediately to guns and cannons, and then nuclear weapons, and then ray guns. In half the time it took us to develop atomic weapons, these aliens developed weapons capable of destroying entire planets.

Got that? So they’ve got deadly diseases that other species can contract, and the continental architecture of their planet is far superior to our own. They got Le Corbusier to design their planet, whereas we got Chucklesworth Bumblefuck, M.A.. And because of that they were able to advance technologically at a far greater pace then we could ever dream of.

There’s more, which basically boils down to that because of their greater technological capacity they were able to advance through the Bronze Age and Iron Age, through the Bessemer Process (in which iron is converted to steel, known on their planet as the Klagmar Process) and finally into the Titanium Age and the Brontonium Age. Brontonium is a metal created when nuclear materials are combined with titanium to form an incredibly strong metal, so hard it can withstand temperatures higher than any ever seen by Man. We haven’t discovered it yet. Fuck you, scientists. You haven’t even found brontonium yet. You should.

Anyway, they decide that they’re bored with their planet. You would, too. Once you’ve explored everything on your planet, you get kind of sick of it. Like with your wife. You get sick of it. You’ve explored her entire body, including orifices neither you nor her knew she had. So now you want to explore other women. I have no idea why she hasn’t left your sorry ass yet. We all know she should. You asshole.

Tiger Woods, I’m looking at you. Anyway…

We’ve explored other planets, but nothing like the Zorbonians. We’ve only got to some heavy petting with probes. We still mostly stay on our planet, occasionally touching her moon. But the Zorbonians have explored orifices on other planets, colonizing, touching them with their tentacles and pleasuring them with their weird tentacle mouth things, like Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama only green.

And so the Zorbonians decide that they want to fuck with some new planets. Now, we’re fucked. Our planet got hit with a meteor, jamming most of our communications n’ shit. The Zorbonians are fast, and they basically bend space-time around itself and get to our planet in time for tea.

They realize we’re good candidates for slaves. We’re clearly inferior, because our technology and civilization is “inferior”. It had nothing to do with extraneous details we had no control over. We’re just “inferior.” Which therefore means they’re doing us a favor by forcing us to do their work.

So they put us in mines and on the fields, working for them. They take away our right to an education, and when we can’t read they say it’s because our brains aren’t as well-developed as theirs are. They take our men back to their planet to work on the fields for them, resulting in a shortage of men on Earth forcing those left to create harems with multiple women in a desperate attempt to keep population numbers stable. This is hindered by the aliens’ diseases, which kill 98% of the human population on Earth within the space of about ten years.

So, by 2022 our population is down to around a hundred and forty million people, from a high of about seven billion. Most are worked to death, because they are “inferior” to their alien overlords and therefore their lives do not matter. They worship different gods, they look different, therefore they are not as good. And that gives the aliens the right to work us to death.

You think that makes no sense. First off, you may be getting sick of this long-winded article, and that’s OK. Secondly, you don’t see what that has to do with racism. It has everything to do with racism.

Black people and native Americans were later to develop technology because they didn’t have good crops and lived on continents that were warm in the middle and cold near the extremes. They couldn’t move quickly, because they could only move places that their crops could grow.

Because it was harder for them to farm, it took them more time and effort to survive, and therefore longer to develop technologies.

And because the native Americans came to America during the Ice Age, most of the diseases they carried died out by the time they made it to America.

Then whites came about and said they were superior to the others, when in reality it was the Eurasian continent that was superior to the Americas and Africa. The white people that lived on it were diseased vermin that didn’t bathe and were imperialistic fucks. And like any kind of vermin, they refuse to go away.

For those of you that still believe in the superiority of the sickening white menace, I would like to urge you to read a fucking book or, as a better solution, move from the South entirely. I know not all Southerners are sickening, but I feel it necessary to be a closed-minded bigot because I’m white.

But seriously, even if whites not enslaved all the black men, left the remainder in Africa to fend for themselves, killed everybody in the Americas, killed everybody in Australia, split China into spheres of influence, forced their philosophies on life on everybody in the known world, used all the world’s resources and then torn up the entire Arabian region and rebuilt it according to which group of white people owned which small portion of desert land, surely even then the world would still be a fucked-up hellhole of racist ignorant assholes who hate each other and want to blow each other up with bombs.

…Right?

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Why do people believe Orly Taitz is serious?

Everybody continues to believe that Orly Taitz is serious. Orly Taitz, of course, is the crazy lady that keeps on saying that dirty negro in the White House Obama was born in Kenya. Because that dirty negro in the White House is a dirty Muslim sand nigger extremist our civil liberties are at stake! HOLY SHIT A BLACK GUY IS IN THE WHITE HOUSE YOU GUYS!!!

Let me reiterate: People believe that a woman supposedly named O RLY seriously believes that Barack Obama is actually a Muslim, and is going to the Supreme Court with a law degree she obtained from an unaccredited school, in order to protect us against a popular President that was elected fairly and with a clear, strong, overwhelming majority vote.

I refuse to believe that this bitch is serious. I believe that this has to be a troll. It just has to be. There is no way all of this shit is seriously real.

Look, I get that everybody thinks that she’s serious, I get that we as a nation have a bunch of retarded rednecks that continue to attack Obama because he’s black, I understand that we have a bunch of even more retarded “birthers” that follow this lady around like she’s the next Messiah, but fuck, I can’t even take Orly “O RLY?” Taitz seriously enough to even believe that she believes the inane bullshit she’s saying.

Before you disagree with me in the comments below, consider the following, provided courtesy of the Something Awful Forums.

Recently Taitz claimed to have a certificate proving Obama’s birth in Kenya, which she supposedly photographed and put on the Internet here. According to the Daily Kos:

  1. The hospital is Coast Provincial General Hospital (sometimes said to be Coast Province General Hospital), not Coast General Hospital.
  2. Kenya was a Dominion the date this certificate was allegedly issued and would not become a republic for 8 months.
  3. Mombasa belonged to Zanzibar when Obama was born, not Kenya.
  4. Obama’s father’s village would be nearer to Nairobi, not Mombasa.
  5. The number 47O44– 47 is Obama’s age when he became president, followed by the letter O (not a zero) followed by 44–he is the 44th president.
  6. EF Lavender is a laundry detergent.
  7. Would a nation with a large number of Muslims actually say “Christian name” (as opposed to name) on the birth certificate?
  8. His father (born in 1961) would have been 24 or 25 when he was born and not 26.
  9. It was called the “Central Nyanza District,” not Nyanza Province. The regions were changed to provinces in 1970.

From Something Awful posters:

  1. The Deputy Registrar is listed as Joshua Simon ODUYA. O DUYA?

And let us not forget that the birth certificate appears to have actually been issued in Australia.

You will notice that the little folds in the paper and its tint are different between the Australian and African legal documents, as well as all important information, but the issue number, book number, registrar’s last name, district registrar’s last name, and the entire design and style of the documents are exactly the same. O RLY? SRSLY.

I cannot believe for the life of me that any person could be such a stupid fucker that they could ever possibly believe this crock of obvious and ridiculous horseshit. The lady’s name is Orly. Stephen Colbert let her on his TV show.

Come the fuck on.

This bitch is obviously a troll. She has to be. This has to be an elaborate satire by an intelligent individual, wherein she persuades a bunch of racist ignorant buffoons from the South to follow her willingly to jump off Bullshit Mountain like a pack of lemmings. Her name, the obviously Photoshopped documents that she claims to have, the ridiculous clues to its fraudulence, I mean come the fuck on, this isn’t rocket science here.

The only other thing I can come up with is that somebody else made it as a joke and gave it to her. This is what the SA forums said, and it makes sense, but it still doesn’t explain the name. The most ironic, ridiculously hilarious name ever given a child. Truly, Orly Taitz has taken the respectable, Hebrew name she was given and thrust it to heights of dull mediocrity and incredible ignorance it never would have had otherwise. You are my light, Orly. Too bad you’re so fuckin’ dim.

And so I continue to believe that Orly Taitz knows exactly what the fuck she’s doing. I know you all believe that she’s just a crazy crackpot, but I don’t. I think she’s doing this to intentionally embarrass and defame the Republicans and oust them as ignorant racist buffoons so obsessed with victory against the Democrats that they’ll basically call a Democrat a dirty Muslim nigger foreigner just to try to oust him. And of course the Republicans played right into it. O RLY? Ya. Srsly.

BREAKING: AT&T Blocks Mentally Retarded People From Using Service

Yes, sadly AT&T has committed a heinous offense against the mentally retarded after  it recently blocked 4chan for specific regions using AT&T. <–Link to Encyclopedia Dramatica

OK, OK, let’s be honest, in spite of the fact that I think 4chan is stupid, it’s quite clear that this is a bad, bad breach of net neutrality. Many of you who are not 4chan users probably want to defend AT&T in all this, using the classic “aw hell they’re all a bunch of creepy pedos that jack off to cartoon pictures of little girls” logic.

Frankly, so do I. I badly want to defend AT&T in all of this. Because, you know, it’s 4chan. Between the memes and the obnoxious “HAY GUYZ DESU DESU DESU MILHOUSE IS NOT A MEME LET’S DRESS IN MASKS AND SHIT TO STOP SCIFAGTOLOGY TITS OR GTFO” crap, defending 4chan is akin to

[Note: Preceding paragraph edited to prevent 4chan users from dressing in “Fail Guy” masks and harrassing me.]

But I can’t defend AT&T. Denying 4channers access to their favorite site sets a dangerous precedent.

We don’t know what is going on here, at least not yet, but I think it’s quite clear that we need to have a plan for what we’re going to do when this clears up, and by “we” I mean “WordPress users.”

First off, if it turns out to just be an error taking any sort of action against AT&T (such as blocking website ISPs or whatever) would be silly.

And I think it’s quite clear that this is probably just an error, albeit an extremely widespread one. Either that or another minor issue that doesn’t really matter.

But let’s say it gets serious, and it becomes clear that AT&T’s actions went far over the line, and were a breach of the doctrine of net neutrality. What then?

Well, to begin with I don’t know the ins and outs of WordPress, but allowing individual users the ability to  block AT&T corporate ISPs from their personal pages, with a message informing them of the situation involving 4chan and why it is important, might be one possibility. Could WordPress offer this to people? It would certainly seem like a better way of letting /b/tards vent their frustration than what they probably will do otherwise.

I’m still trying to come up with other game plans for those who wish to show AT&T how they feel about the 4chan blockade. If you have any ideas of how people can (peacefully) protest AT&T’s attack on net neutrality (without resorting to DDOS attacks on websites, hacking, personally attacking and harrassing executives, individuals, and employees, or any of the other ridiculous things some less-reasonable /b/tards are probably trying to concoct as we watch) feel free to post them below.

UPDATE (1:06 AM MST JULY 27, 2009): My access to img.4chan.org appears to be compromised. The connection to the server was reset while the page was loading.

This is important because I’m a Qwest customer, not an AT&T customer.

It’s a server malfunction, guys.

Also: I can anticipate your comments now about how this is a pedophilia issue and I admitted it when I said that 4chan users jack off to cartoons of little girls. Currently in the US you cannot take a naked picture of an underaged girl, but you can draw a cartoon of a naked underaged girl being raped by tentacles. You can also jack off to it. I am in the clear, assholes.

Top News Reports of the Week: July 6-12, 2009

4chan strikes again.

Pennsylvania- According to reports from NBC News Philadelphia, more than 60 black kids from northeast Philadelphia, Pennsylvania were turned away from a private club because of their skin color. Not reported: The kids were actually afro-wearing white 4chan nerds wearing blackface, and they were out to get the pool closed.

Ontario- A man rapes his unconscious sister by giving her head. And here you thought only Southerners did that sort of thing. Southerners are different, silly. They only do that with the cows out back.

Las Vegas- Senator John Ensign’s parents have given the man’s hired prostitute mistress a swift kick in the ass nearly $100,000 to shut her up “out of concern for the well-being of longtime family friends during a difficult time.” Clearly Ensign got a raw deal. I mean, seriously, how much does it cost to hire a good hooker in Vegas? Two hundred bucks, tops?

Man, my parents bought me a car for high school. Next time I’m gonna have to ask for more. I’m gettin’ gipped here.

EXCLUSIVE NAKED EMMA WATSON PICTURE.

EXCLUSIVE NAKED EMMA WATSON PICTURE.

Harry Potter premiere in U.K.- Emma Watson’s clothing comes apart, showing her bra and panties. This, coupled with Heddy Pottah’s getting naked for his part in the Broadway play Equus, lends credence to the rumors that producers are finally going to give up on trying to make these actors look like prepubescent kids and just turn the seventh Potter into a hardcore porno. Spoiler: Watson gives good head. Better than the head Mr. Incestuous Ontario Pervert gave his sister, I’ll tell you that much for sure.

th_CivilDefenseLogo-1scarySouth Korea- Spies in Seoul have identified North Korea as the culprit of cyber attacks that hit or attempted to hit the White House, Pentagon, State Department, Treasury Department, Homeland Security Department, the National Security Agency, the New York Stock Exchange, NASDAQ, and the Washington Post. And yet our media still focuses on the ridiculous circus that is Michael Jackson’s neverending farewell tribute. Great job, American media dipshits. Two questions: Do we need a building to get hit with a plane before people in the United States finally start paying attention to shit that actually matters? And when is the media going to start doing its job again and START REPORTING THE MOTHERFUCKING NEWS?!

The Greatest July Fourth Present America Has Ever Been Given

Sarah Palin has resigned from her Alaska governorship.

You’re welcome.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/07/03/palin-to-step-down-not-seeking-re-election/

So that she didn’t milk Alaskans with a lame-duck Governorship, she’s doing the unconventional thing with Alaska and “not taking the quitter’s way out” by resigning and giving over control of the state to Sean Parnell.

We all know that a good point guard, she drives through a full court press, keeping her head up to keep her eye on the basket so she can drive the ball in there. And she knows when to pass the ball (the Alaskan Governorship) for victory. That’s a good safe analogy that Palin felt like making.

There is no mention of wolves, but as you might have guessed I am hoping that this changes soon. I know it won’t, because Alaskans probably want to be able to shoot wolves on sight, but I can dream, can’t I?

This is a Neda Soltan. She Prints Money.

In case you haven’t lost all faith in humanity yet, here’s yet another step in the gradual collapse of Western civilization.

http://www.zazzle.co.uk/neda_freedom_is_not_free_tshirt-235871630751536655

That’s right. Somebody has already made an Obama ripoff T-shirt showing the bloodied dead corpse of Iranian protester Neda Soltan with the phrase “WE WILL NEVER FORGET”.

In a matter of, oh, around twelve hours or so since Neda Soltan was brutally murdered by pro-government Iranian forces some asshole has already trivialized her death in a bid to make some cash off of the kind of person that gets off on having a picture of a dead and bloodied Iranian girl on his shirt.

Y’know, exploitation and stuff.

I can only imagine the way Neda Soltan would feel about this if she were alive. Because I’ll bet a young woman like her would really want to be remembered lying dead on an Iranian street in throngs of helpless protesters, rather than as a vibrant, beautiful young woman with a life ahead of her.

I mean, is it so much to ask for T-shirt makers to at least use one of the pictures of her before she was brutally shot to death?

Notice how they subtly crossed out her name with blood. Great job, random brainless shirt-selling douche!

I have no more words for this. I hope that Ms. Soltan rests in peace, I hope the situation in Iran is peacefully and rightfully resolved, and I hope whoever made these T-shirts gets a swift kick in the ass for using Neda Soltan’s memory for profit.

David Letterman’s “Bristol” Joke

For those confused by my post, “Jeep People are Disgusting”, it was a joke. I was as both poking fun at the Jeep culture–known for its snobs as much as any other–and at the ridiculous anger directed at SUVs like Jeeps from Prius drivers. I thought that the article was so ridiculous there was no way anybody could take it seriously, but I was wrong. If you didn’t get the joke, reread the article, and if you still don’t get it, my bad.

(This is much the same as with my Maddox article. I allege in the article that Maddox is a chauvinist, a terrible writer, that his work isn’t satire, and that his last several articles suck. Only one of the above is an opinion I hold. See if you can figure out which one is the real truth.)

Nevermind that. The airwaves are alive with yet another non-event, in this case regarding David Letterman and a comment regarding Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol.

To start with, the full video of the joke (information quoted, feel free to skim over it if you’ve already heard):

Since this joke aired, Sarah Palin has alleged that Letterman is making a joke about rape. Specifically, she is claiming that Letterman is actually referring to Palin’s younger, fourteen-year-old daughter, because her younger daughter was the only one that was with Palin at the Yankees game. Palin’s eighteen year old daughter-who wasn’t with her–was the one who’s known for promiscuity in the general media.

Now, I would like to give some thoughts from my position as a humorist (well, an attempted humorist) on this site.

To begin with, I think it’s quite clear that Letterman isn’t referring to Palin’s younger, fourteen-year-old daughter.

I make this assumption because the joke itself is stupid. I doubt Letterman knew which daughters were with Palin at the time, and I don’t think he and his writers really cared. I think it’s obvious that it was just an easy jab that Letterman was eager to grab for all it was worth.

On the other hand, I argue that the joke is also shit. I’m not sure if Letterman should issue an apology, but I think this joke and many others are clear evidence that he’s not funny anymore. This is much the same as when Don Imus made his “nappy-headed hos” comment, or when the “Kramer” guy made his “niggers” rant. The failure wasn’t in the content, the failure was in the delivery. It was lame.

The joke was unfunny to the point of blandness. It says something about David Letterman’s joke-telling ability when a joke about impregnating a teenage girl is considered bland.

I am offended by the joke first and foremost because it was unfunny and boring, bland drivel, not because it is “sexist” or “perverted” or any of the other bullshit Palin’s putting out there. If Letterman it fired for this joke, it should be because the joke is proof that he’s phoning this shit in and doesn’t even care about being funny anymore.

Your thoughts.