Post by Mike the Canadian Doctor: H1N1: Kicking the Swine Flu Habit

Hello everyone, eh? How’s it been going for you, eh? Well, for me it’s been going splendidly. I haven’t gotten none o’ dat Swine Flu we keep on hearing about in the news, and I’ve gotten some more patients, too! Apparently this swine flu thing is becoming a big deal for a bunch of people; some people are getting so scared they’re jumping off buildings to attempt to escape the flu. Others have attempted to set themselves afire.

Now, hosers, I’m gonna tell you da truth, and you listen good and clear: Killing yourself isn’t going to prevent the flu. The flu can strike even in death. Just recently the Grim Reaper got the swine flu. Then he died. Try n’ figure that out for yerself!

Here’s a little Q&A with ol’ Doctor Mike:

Q: Did Swine flu really come from people having sex with pigs?

A: Yes and no. The initial transmission of swine flu came when a farmer in Newfoundland made love to his prized porker Mary Belle. H1N1 was initially referred to by most Canadians as “the Newfoundland disease” because hey, you know, Newfies.

Q: What would happen if more man-pig transmissions occurred?

A: They would each be named using the HxNx nomenclature, except for each new case x would increase by one. For example, the second man-pig transmission would be referred to as H2N2, the third would be referred to as H3N3, and so on.

Q: What would happen if x reached over one-hundred?

A: Earth would get nuked from orbit. Come on people, we need to stop having sex with pigs!

Q: How can I keep from getting swine flu?

A: You can’t, there is no hope for you. If you die, it will follow you to the grave. If you trek to the farthest reaches of the Arctic tundra, the natives will have swine flu. If you go down to South America, earwigs will eat out your brains.

Q: Is there anything I can do to reduce the risk to myself and others?

A: Stay home for the rest of the year. Don’t try to go to work, there’s a chance you might give it to your coworkers.

Q: I don’t have it, though.

A: Yes you do. Everybody has the swine flu. The people with symptoms will just die sooner.

OK, that’s it for Doctor Mike’s Q&A. Now here’s a bulleted list.

Kicking the Swine Flu Habit

  • The habit is getting the swine flu.
  • Read Doctor Mike’s Q&A above. If you have forgotten what it says, read it again, several times if necessary.
  • Wear those silly looking face masks everywhere, and make sure to look really irritated and nervous when somebody coughs nearby.
  • Always make sure to notify passers-by how much Swine Flu scares you. This could keep them far enough away from you that they couldn’t spread their germs. Or they might cough on you out of spite. I don’t know.
  • If you live in Canada, remember that it is cold. This can either increase your risk of contracting the swine flu, or reduce it. The best way for Canadians to reduce their risk of contracting the swine flu is to live in an old shack in the middle of the uninhabited Arctic tundra, hundreds of miles away from all human life, living only on bear meat and the occasional stray caribou. Make sure that you don’t make love to the bears. If you think swine flu is bad, just wait till you get bear flu.
  • If you live in the United States, I don’t have any sympathy for you. You ungrateful swine get President Obama, where we’re stuck with Stephen Harper? And you don’t like him? If only we had black people in Canada.
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Attention Moviegoers: Roger Ebert is Trolling You.

Ask yourself this: If you were a 66 (going on 67) year-old movie critic who’d underwent a tracheotomy, four surgeries to remove cancerous tumors in your salivary and thyroid glands and jaw bone, required further surgery to reconstruct your jaw, and yet still had a group of salivating sychophants hanging on your every word, what would you do?

I think you’d do what I’d do, and what Roger Ebert has been doing for awhile now: say “FUCK OFF, ASSHOLES! WHAT, HAVE MY THIRTY YEARS OF ENLIGHTENING MOVIE CRITIQUES NOT BEEN ENOUGH FOR YOUR SELFISH ASSES!? I’M ABOUT TO DIE! PISS OFF!”

Sure he doesn’t say it like that, but he’d might as well. He thumbed down Star Trek – a movie which 92% of movie critics agreed was good, meanwhile thumbing up Paul Blartt, Mall Cop (which, in case you couldn’t have guessed, is considered one of the worst movies out this year).

But here’s the thing: he’s subtle. He thumbed down Queen Piece-Of-Shit “He’s Just Not That Into You“, while thumbing up good movies like WALL-E because let’s be honest, nobody hates WALL-E. If he’d thumbed down WALL-E obvious troll would be obvious. And we can’t have that.

I never watched Ebert at his “prime”, but right now I’m sure enjoying watching the old fart prove that his fanboys really and truly can’t distinguish a good movie from a bad one without having Ebert give his OK. It’s like people that read John Solomon and say “OMG NOW I CAN’T LIKE MY FAVORITE COMICS ANYMORE!!!” As if critics are the be-all and end-all of everything. Bullshit. If you like it you like it. Hell, I like some of the worst webcomics and movies out there. Because they suck.

It can be just as entertaining to watch a shit movie to watch the director and all his actors stumble all over themselves like retarded monkeys trying to act. Give me some of that shit, it’s hilarious. Let me laugh at Tim Buckley try to talk his stupid ass out of a botched miscarriage strip. Let me read as David Hopkins writes another goofy-assed horror movie fanfic where his deformed furries get raped by demons. Let me laugh at Keanu Reeves pretending to be a super spy. Let me watch Robin Williams try to be a dramatic actor by dressing up in a clown suit and trying to get children to laugh in a cancer ward. Fuck quality acting! That’s some good shit!

Roger Ebert is doing an awesome trolling job. Don’t stop telling him he’s crazy, fans! He might stop.