Hello everyone, eh? How’s it been going for you, eh? Well, for me it’s been going splendidly. I haven’t gotten none o’ dat Swine Flu we keep on hearing about in the news, and I’ve gotten some more patients, too! Apparently this swine flu thing is becoming a big deal for a bunch of people; some people are getting so scared they’re jumping off buildings to attempt to escape the flu. Others have attempted to set themselves afire.
Now, hosers, I’m gonna tell you da truth, and you listen good and clear: Killing yourself isn’t going to prevent the flu. The flu can strike even in death. Just recently the Grim Reaper got the swine flu. Then he died. Try n’ figure that out for yerself!
Here’s a little Q&A with ol’ Doctor Mike:
Q: Did Swine flu really come from people having sex with pigs?
A: Yes and no. The initial transmission of swine flu came when a farmer in Newfoundland made love to his prized porker Mary Belle. H1N1 was initially referred to by most Canadians as “the Newfoundland disease” because hey, you know, Newfies.
Q: What would happen if more man-pig transmissions occurred?
A: They would each be named using the HxNx nomenclature, except for each new case x would increase by one. For example, the second man-pig transmission would be referred to as H2N2, the third would be referred to as H3N3, and so on.
Q: What would happen if x reached over one-hundred?
A: Earth would get nuked from orbit. Come on people, we need to stop having sex with pigs!
Q: How can I keep from getting swine flu?
A: You can’t, there is no hope for you. If you die, it will follow you to the grave. If you trek to the farthest reaches of the Arctic tundra, the natives will have swine flu. If you go down to South America, earwigs will eat out your brains.
Q: Is there anything I can do to reduce the risk to myself and others?
A: Stay home for the rest of the year. Don’t try to go to work, there’s a chance you might give it to your coworkers.
Q: I don’t have it, though.
A: Yes you do. Everybody has the swine flu. The people with symptoms will just die sooner.
OK, that’s it for Doctor Mike’s Q&A. Now here’s a bulleted list.
Kicking the Swine Flu Habit
- The habit is getting the swine flu.
- Read Doctor Mike’s Q&A above. If you have forgotten what it says, read it again, several times if necessary.
- Wear those silly looking face masks everywhere, and make sure to look really irritated and nervous when somebody coughs nearby.
- Always make sure to notify passers-by how much Swine Flu scares you. This could keep them far enough away from you that they couldn’t spread their germs. Or they might cough on you out of spite. I don’t know.
- If you live in Canada, remember that it is cold. This can either increase your risk of contracting the swine flu, or reduce it. The best way for Canadians to reduce their risk of contracting the swine flu is to live in an old shack in the middle of the uninhabited Arctic tundra, hundreds of miles away from all human life, living only on bear meat and the occasional stray caribou. Make sure that you don’t make love to the bears. If you think swine flu is bad, just wait till you get bear flu.
- If you live in the United States, I don’t have any sympathy for you. You ungrateful swine get President Obama, where we’re stuck with Stephen Harper? And you don’t like him? If only we had black people in Canada.