Christian music stations are always balanced and informative when it comes to religion. Just as an example, my mother alerted me to an announcement on Albuquerque Christian radio station M-88 regarding Wiccans today. Apparently, M-88 needs information regarding Wiccans. With this information, M-88 hopes it can convert Wiccans to the great name of Jesus, and end their evil devil-worshiping ways once and for all.
I always feel like helping out Christians when they need help the most, and believe you me, most Christians–particularly those poor souls who believe George W. Bush can hear God, and Jesus would wear a Rolex on his television show–need help a lot. So I thought I’d help them in their quest to convert people like my pagan lesbian friend Dessabrina the Transformers Slash Fanfiction Author, and my cousin Josh’s girlfriend, who currently lives in Alaska with wolves and at least one species of polar bear. Hey, it can’t hurt. Unless, of course, they’re right, which we can be certain they are not.
For you Christians: Wicca is a devil-worshiping religion that is evil, like Mormonism only even more evil, and possibly involving even more polygamy. It is centered around a horny god and a Big Mama who is simultaneously a sexy babe, a MILF, and an old bitch, much like Britney Spears. Wiccans work hard in fields, hoping to see Pan, the God of the Fields, so they can have sex with him. Thus, most Wiccans are “Pansexuals”. They will also have sex with anything on two feet, but this has more to do with their wearing air and smelling of patchouli than their actually being Pansexuals.
Being gay is accepted in Wicca, even if its creator, a nudist British civil servant, believed that the Bitch Goddess would curse you if you had icky mansex. They form small groups of women and men clad in air, who pretend to be ridiculous things like witches and High Priestesses. They are also animistic, which means they believe that animals have a soul.
In other words, Wiccans are just furries, a term used to describe people who wish to have sex in animal costumes. Many of these people believe that they are in fact animal souls trapped inside human bodies. They should be treated as such.
The eight virtues of a Wiccan:
1. Mirth: Something Wikipedia describes as “an Admirable-class minesweeper built for the U.S. Navy during World War II. She was built to clear minefields in offshore waters, and served the Navy in the Atlantic Ocean and then was transferred to the Pacific Ocean in order to lend the vessel to the Soviet Union under terms of the Lend Lease Act.” Clearly, Wiccans plan to use this virtue to destroy our nation and our way of life.
2. Reverence: If you are a Wiccan, you should always revere your horny god and sexy babiMilfilibitchilicious goddess.
3. Honour: Your father and your mother, by taking off all your clothes and having sex with anything that moves.
4. Humility: What you should have in case anybody sees you with your honour showing.
5. Strength: Performing those magic spells takes quite a bit of effort. Replenish your magical powers using Maruchan® Instant Lunch, available three for a dollar at your local supermarket.
6. Beauty: People like David Hasselhoff Michael Phelps and Pamela Anderson Beyonce Knowles are butt-ugly. Your guide to finding real physical beauty should be Wiccans themselves, who can most succinctly be described as “Rosie O’Donnell, skyclad.”
7. Power: Believe in the teachings of a religion invented in 1958 by a lonely British civil worker and people will never laugh at you again.
8. Compassion: Love your fellow human beings and animals by having sex with them.
How to Make Your Own Wiccan religious ritual:
Christians: The easiest way to convert Wicca is by pretending to become them. That is, you must perform your own Wiccan ceremonies, to lull the Wiccans into a false sense of security and make them think you’re on their side, and them BAM! Whap the Jesus Hammer right onto their devil-worshipping heads. Don’t worry; I’ve done the groundwork for you. It’ll be expensive, but trust me, it’ll work.
1. First, you need costumes. When they’re not butt-naked, Wiccans like to dress as ghosts and priestesses and animals and shit. Here’s how your ceremonial dress code should look.
- Ghosts: Covered in a white sheet with special symbols on them. Swastikas, sun crosses, and Celtic crosses are all good.
- Priestesses: A white mask with only peepholes, and a pointy hat are both good for this. They should also wear what the ghosts wear; the white sheet represents purity.
- Animal spirits and other random shit: Fursuits of various kinds should work. Here are a few examples of what you should go for:
- Symbols: Wiccans, like all cultists, thrive upon symbolism and ritual. You need something stark and powerful. A good example of a powerful symbol is a cross with a Winnie the Pooh doll nailed to it. You should somewhere in your ceremony light this cross on fire*. Don’t feel constrained by these ceremonial pieces; you could also use a Tigger, or in extreme circumstances, a Piglet doll. Do not use Eeyore, however, as he is not representative of the message we’re trying to convey here.
*Note: Winnie the Pooh doll cannot be used as a child’s toy after being burned at the stake.
- Conducting the ceremony: Go out into a big field in the middle of the forest. This is very important. It is your Point of Contemplation, where you go to meditate and show your respects to the Horny God before you go on with your ceremony.
- Get on your furry costumes/priestess uniforms and nail the Pooh doll to the cross. Load the cross onto a Radio Flyer or equivalent child’s wagon, or, if necessary, a wheelbarrow. Your cross shouldn’t be too big or else it will crush the wagon; besides that, you’re out to show your respects to your Horny God, not make him look like some kind of psycho that uses huge crosses for tiny dolls. The cross should fit the doll, is what I’m saying.
- Light the cross on fire and begin marching through the forest. You should begin to embrace the beauty of the forest, and the power of the Tree Spirits that inhabit it. Begin chanting about Woozles, Hefelumps, and Honey Pots; your aim is to rid the forest of these evil spirits. Except for the honey pots, which you should collect and partake of, if any are available. Offer a few to the Big Daddy God and Big Mama Goddess.
- March down main street of your town and begin stripping off all of your clothes.
- Begin a group chant. This chant can be about anything, including Barack Obama, income taxes, gays, Barbara Streisand, or even your church’s upcoming charity auction. Go nuts. The important thing is that it has to sound vaguely Celtic-sounding. It should convince people around you that you’re speaking in tongues and performing magical spells on them.
- End your ceremony in a large orgy. Everyone, whether they are young, old, women, men, or family pets, should participate. By the end there should be a distinctly disgusting smell emanating from your entire town. If you don’t feel ashamed, you didn’t perform the ceremony correctly. Do it again, and this time do it right. Make sure you didn’t use an Eeyore doll in the mock crucifixion like an idiot.
This should help you when it’s time to conduct your Wiccan indoctrination ceremonies. Just remember, all Wiccans are perverted, disgusting scoundrels. If you don’t help to cleanse them of their demonic possession, you are one of them.