Holy shit, Maddox… doesn’t suck?

I wrote a ways back on how Maddox sucks. In case you don’t know, Maddox is the Armenian that encourages date rape, lynching gays, and hating America. You should have seen his article “String up the faggots”, in which he discussed stringing up faggots, and his later work “I think circumcision should be mandatory, just a total circumcision where they cut off the entire dick so you fuckheaded Americans can’t produce any more cunt droppings you pieces of ALALALALA JIHAD JIHAD JIHAD.”

Ah, typical Maddox, you cockskin hater, you. Anyway, Maddox recently posted his latest article, “I hope I get swine flu“, in which he opines that he wants to get swine flu so he can show us how manly he is and how big his balls are and that the swine flu is actually pretty much the same as regular flu.

This article should be on CNN Headline News, but isn’t because all the CNN news anchors are out with swine flu. The headline: “Maddox publishes first readable article in two years”. Maddox, you have my respect for this article. It didn’t suck.

Also, speaking of circumcision and it being mandatory on Americans, fuck you, Americans. Only in America do they cut off their children’s foreskins in the name of Jesus so their children don’t get STDs from fucking French hookers. I’ll have the whole story in my statement on circumcision later this week. Oh yeah, and you Americans can’t wash under your baby boys’ dick skin because you’re all fundamentalist Christian zealots, so they get infections and you have circumcise them anyway. This is because you’re all retarded. All of you. And you too, Canadians. All of you are a bunch of slack-jawed yokels with no mental capacity, no taste in music, food, architecture, cars, or sports, and New Mexico is the worst of all. Remember, it developed the atomic bomb, murdering hundreds of thousands of Japanese. New Mexico is the most violent, despicable, depraved, destructive state in the dumbest country on Earth. Fuck you, New Mexico.

And peace out from Vrillon of the Ashtar Galactic Command.

NFL is for wussies. Meet MURDERDOME.

I am conflicted with myself on the Michael Vick issue. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, obviously you haven’t been watching football. I know I haven’t. I’m not gay enough to watch it, and I don’t care that much about it either.

There are some guys that seriously care about it, though. Those who like football for more than just the sweaty musclebound ass-kickers and ass-doers, guys that actually care about football, those guys are all up in arms about people who are against Michael Vick.

Yes, there are people out there that are against those that are against a man that is against being against dogfighting. Try pulling that through your head unscathed.

The way I see it, the sidelines are about like this:

  • Those who support Michael Vick: Football fans.
  • Those who do not support Michael Vick: People who do not enjoy murderous, unnecessary violence.

A lot of people are on the sidelines. I am on the sidelines, too. Here’s my problems.

First off, the dogs can go to doggie hell. Clearly the dogs were asking for it. Dogs are violent, sickening creatures that enjoy eating homework and biting mailmen. Who cares about them? I mean, seriously, who can look at these dogs in the picture below and not see violent killers just begging to be tortured and electrocuted to within an inch of their lives?

Clearly, violent killing machines in the making.

Clearly, violent killing machines in the making.

On the other hand, I also hate football fans, and would like nothing more than to see them cry in their beer because their god Michael Vick didn’t get to go back into the NFL. Look, I get that they make my pizza or might one day perform my open heart surgery, but football fans are also the reason they have those lame ass GoDaddy ads with Danica Patrick taking her clothes off, only it doesn’t show the goods because millions of women would get angry that their precious little bundles of joy and spittle and copious amounts of poop and urine (i.e. children)  were subjected to a few minutes of breasts. Well you know what? Screw that. If I feel like looking at naked women I’ll find them on the Internet, on websites that use GoDaddy for their domain names, ironically enough.

You have to remember, if nuclear war broke out during the Super Bowl and the President had to issue an Emergency Action Notification informing his country that they needed to evacuate to the bomb shelters, you would have millions of these people calling for the President’s head. They would rather die in nuclear hellfire than give up their faux-machismo skull-bashing contact sports for a day or two.

So as reasonable as Vick’s actions were, we also must remember that we have to do something, if only to piss off football fans. Also, I do realize that people deserve a second chance, even in America, as tragic as that may be. So, I have decided on a compromise. We allow murderers and dog killers to play in the NFL. However, only murderers and dog killers will be allowed to play in the NFL. Each team member will be issued a prison jumpsuit in their respective team’s color, and they will play without protective padding These team members will play completely naked, for the enjoyment of gays and women. We will allow these murderers, rapists, killers, and torturers to fight for the football in a giant mile-wide pit lined with electric fence and strewn with land mines and shrapnel, which I call the Murderdome. They will be paid five million dollars a year to do this, assuming that they survive the first season.

Then, we behead every member of PETA, impale their heads on spikes and place these in a wide circle around Murderdome, because it would look awesome and reduce the amount of fur coats lost each and every year to red paint. The fighting dogs they fought to save will get their chance to survive. They will be the opposing team, along with grizzly bears, tigers, lions, killer bees, king cobras, and other assorted violent and dangerous animals. The key difference will be that the animals were bred and trained to kill, whereas the murderers and rapists were self-taught.

Let's see what PETA thinks of this.

The cheering section will be comprised of lesbians having orgies on the sidelines. The stands will be the same as they are right now. However, fans will not only be allowed, but encouraged to bring semiautomatic weapons.

Oh yeah, and the ads will all be hardcore pornography. GoDaddy had better hope it can get Danica Patrick to have sex with “Candice Michelle” on TV for all of America to see. Otherwise we’ll have to give their TV spot to someone else.

We need to send a stern message to criminals. We don’t respect people that murder people and dogs and yet can’t survive a day in Murderdome. Grow some cojones, murderers! Especially if the grizzlies tear them off your crotch. If that happens, you’d better hope you can grow some new ones.

That’s my plan for the NFL. I think it’s a great idea, it’ll sell like hotcakes. We can free up our prison system, get killers off the streets and out of the jails, and simultaneously reduce the world’s population, and let’s be honest, this is already what the NFL is, just pussied out and made more “palatable” for  a mainstream, boring audience that can’t take anything truly hardcore. The only problem with the plan will be if human rights or animal rights advocates complain. Then we’ll have to kill them too. We can’t let quibbling details get in the way of a great plan.

I am ready to “talk turkey” and get the ball rolling with executives from the NFL. NFL, are you ready for Murderdome? Because it’s ready for you.

It took you long enough, Albuquerque.

Albuquerque’s Blue Line Rapid Ride Internet is finally online, meaning that if you’re on the bus you can now use your computer on the Internet. ‘N’ shit.

In honor of this sacred event which we all hold so dear in our fat geeky virgin asses and fat cholesterol-filled hearts, I have removed both the article in which I attacked the drunken scuzzballs that ask me how much my computer is every time I get on the bus, and the article in which I attacked the City of Albuquerque for not putting Internet on the Blue Line Rapid Ride so I could make hateful blog posts about how stupid people like you, the person reading this article, are. Now I can attack you even while riding on the bus. Ha. Ha. Etcetera. Expect me to use this newfound ability constantly from now on.

Expect a new article on Transformers having gay sex with each other, or furries having gay sex with each other, or circumcision, or possibly how much Maddox blows, or something else involving penises and homosexuality in the near future. And once again: Thanks, City of Albuquerque! I really fuckin’ appreciate it. Assholes.

Update (7:36 PM MST, August 10, 2009): I’ve noticed I’m the one who’s been reading this article more than anybody else. Considering how I said I write posts about how stupid the people who read my articles are, I think this has very troubling implications.

Update (7:38 PM MST, August 10, 2009): I have decided at least one person who reads my articles isn’t stupid. At least, I don’t think he is. And he is a he. I checked. Definitely a he.

Update (7:39 PM MST, August 10, 2009): I would also like to state for the record that I was not on the bus when I checked the gender of the one person who reads my articles that isn’t stupid. Nobody needs to see that stuff, man.

Why do people believe Orly Taitz is serious?

Everybody continues to believe that Orly Taitz is serious. Orly Taitz, of course, is the crazy lady that keeps on saying that dirty negro in the White House Obama was born in Kenya. Because that dirty negro in the White House is a dirty Muslim sand nigger extremist our civil liberties are at stake! HOLY SHIT A BLACK GUY IS IN THE WHITE HOUSE YOU GUYS!!!

Let me reiterate: People believe that a woman supposedly named O RLY seriously believes that Barack Obama is actually a Muslim, and is going to the Supreme Court with a law degree she obtained from an unaccredited school, in order to protect us against a popular President that was elected fairly and with a clear, strong, overwhelming majority vote.

I refuse to believe that this bitch is serious. I believe that this has to be a troll. It just has to be. There is no way all of this shit is seriously real.

Look, I get that everybody thinks that she’s serious, I get that we as a nation have a bunch of retarded rednecks that continue to attack Obama because he’s black, I understand that we have a bunch of even more retarded “birthers” that follow this lady around like she’s the next Messiah, but fuck, I can’t even take Orly “O RLY?” Taitz seriously enough to even believe that she believes the inane bullshit she’s saying.

Before you disagree with me in the comments below, consider the following, provided courtesy of the Something Awful Forums.

Recently Taitz claimed to have a certificate proving Obama’s birth in Kenya, which she supposedly photographed and put on the Internet here. According to the Daily Kos:

  1. The hospital is Coast Provincial General Hospital (sometimes said to be Coast Province General Hospital), not Coast General Hospital.
  2. Kenya was a Dominion the date this certificate was allegedly issued and would not become a republic for 8 months.
  3. Mombasa belonged to Zanzibar when Obama was born, not Kenya.
  4. Obama’s father’s village would be nearer to Nairobi, not Mombasa.
  5. The number 47O44– 47 is Obama’s age when he became president, followed by the letter O (not a zero) followed by 44–he is the 44th president.
  6. EF Lavender is a laundry detergent.
  7. Would a nation with a large number of Muslims actually say “Christian name” (as opposed to name) on the birth certificate?
  8. His father (born in 1961) would have been 24 or 25 when he was born and not 26.
  9. It was called the “Central Nyanza District,” not Nyanza Province. The regions were changed to provinces in 1970.

From Something Awful posters:

  1. The Deputy Registrar is listed as Joshua Simon ODUYA. O DUYA?

And let us not forget that the birth certificate appears to have actually been issued in Australia.

You will notice that the little folds in the paper and its tint are different between the Australian and African legal documents, as well as all important information, but the issue number, book number, registrar’s last name, district registrar’s last name, and the entire design and style of the documents are exactly the same. O RLY? SRSLY.

I cannot believe for the life of me that any person could be such a stupid fucker that they could ever possibly believe this crock of obvious and ridiculous horseshit. The lady’s name is Orly. Stephen Colbert let her on his TV show.

Come the fuck on.

This bitch is obviously a troll. She has to be. This has to be an elaborate satire by an intelligent individual, wherein she persuades a bunch of racist ignorant buffoons from the South to follow her willingly to jump off Bullshit Mountain like a pack of lemmings. Her name, the obviously Photoshopped documents that she claims to have, the ridiculous clues to its fraudulence, I mean come the fuck on, this isn’t rocket science here.

The only other thing I can come up with is that somebody else made it as a joke and gave it to her. This is what the SA forums said, and it makes sense, but it still doesn’t explain the name. The most ironic, ridiculously hilarious name ever given a child. Truly, Orly Taitz has taken the respectable, Hebrew name she was given and thrust it to heights of dull mediocrity and incredible ignorance it never would have had otherwise. You are my light, Orly. Too bad you’re so fuckin’ dim.

And so I continue to believe that Orly Taitz knows exactly what the fuck she’s doing. I know you all believe that she’s just a crazy crackpot, but I don’t. I think she’s doing this to intentionally embarrass and defame the Republicans and oust them as ignorant racist buffoons so obsessed with victory against the Democrats that they’ll basically call a Democrat a dirty Muslim nigger foreigner just to try to oust him. And of course the Republicans played right into it. O RLY? Ya. Srsly.