An Open Letter To Richard “Lowtax” Kyanka

(Note: In case you need to know who Lowtax is, a link can be found here. Something Awful is a website known for its forums, as well as features like a daily humor article on the front page written by one of its many authors, and several other things, including “Photoshop Phriday” , in which forum members Photoshop pictures in a humorous way on a predetermined theme. Lowtax is the owner of the site, as well as one of its top commentators; his site charges money for forum accounts, reviews horrible webpages as its “Awful Links of the Day”, reviews bad pornography in its “Horrors of Porn”, and has parodies of websites such as their pretend AOL hacker Jeff K. It’s a huge webpage, with thousands of members and hundreds of forum threads.)

Dear Lowtax,

Or, actually, is it all right if I call you Richard? Richard, I am impressed by the beauty that you have bestowed upon your site since your last updates. It is, indeed, quite corporate, certainly befitting a man of your high taste and esteem. And, of course, bank account, considering the fact that your site recently hit over 100,000 forum members, leading to a hefty $1 million dollars you’ve gotten by selling people forum accounts on your site. I should certainly say that it is an incredible achievement, considering that you started out with little more than the clothes on your back and several derogatory postings of your co-workers back in 1999.

Clearly, the first signs of a (dis)stressed mind. But, Richard, I’m worried for you, because, well, your life may be at risk! I am not, of course, pointing to Maddox coming after you with a machete or anything, by the way. I’m saying that you’re in danger of stressing yourself to death! You write angrily so much on your site, stressing your mind by viewing harmful pornography and conspiracy theories for your “Awful Link of the Day.” You’ve given away writing credit to writers like Josh “Livestock” Boruff and “Dr.” David Thorpe. And, of course, coming up with all those clever nicknames must be quite stressful!

In this letter, Richard, I would like you to consider several “cures for what ails ‘ya”. You know, ways to relieve your stress. Because, in the end, there are few people who have been through the kind of torment you have, and I believe that you deserve some much-needed rest time. Consider my following advice:

1. Stop talking about the damned furries already. Now, I’m sure that you’ve heard this one before (by furries and non-furries), but I think it deserves another mention. Lowtax, I’m sure that you understand that (most) people don’t like to look at the same stale, boring links to pictures of foxes and wolves drawn to look like humans having sex and such over and over again, even though you keep posting the links (like a recent one, to some pedophile pervert, which was of course entitled “Chica’s Transformation and Furry Page”). I’m also sure that you’ve been under a lot of stress watching these people strut their stuff in their little animal outfits–after all, we all have. However, I think you’ve gone out of control in terms of anger management. Nowadays, on your site, you ban anybody who admits to being a furry automatically. In fact, you only do that to furries and Scientologists, and as one forum member said:

animal_worship_cult1.png

(Click for the full post; it would be unfair to single out a single quote without giving you the chance to see its context. It’s about a furry musical out of England.)

Clearly, you are right about furries not being “the new gay”, even if you solidify their argument that they are by calling them “furfags”; in fact, they are their own religion, with clear principles and morals and rites of passage, in your forum members’ minds.

But, in fact, Richard, furries are not a religion, and only 19% are gay, if that happens to be what’s bothering you. What furries are, according to its principal information site, WikiFur.com, is:

read_this_dipshit.png

See? I even went to the site myself, so you wouldn’t have to risk your mind looking at its horrors! In fact, I’ll even stop calling furries furries, because I’m sure you hate even their very name. But, yeah, so really, they don’t constitute an animal-worship cult, regardless. In fact, it’s really just people that look at animal cartoons or like animal-human creatures after age twelve. Now, of course, some of them have sex while wearing animal costumes, but then again, when you get many, many people together in one place, you will be certain to see some unusual behavior. In fact, check your members! You may have these people in your ranks!

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Not that I mean to scare you. I mean, really, Lowtax, I’m sure you must have a very good reason to hate an entire subgroup of people. I mean, perhaps, we can learn something from your avatar:

Now, I’m sure that this is supposed to represent you back whenever you were one of the fursuited kind, dancing the dance of the truly carefree. But then, something horrible happened. I’m sure one of those people, you know, the ones we stopped mentioning, said something mean to you, like, oh, I don’t know, that a fat pig suited you, or that your little “fursona” should be a cat because you’re a little pussy. And of course, suddenly, your emotions were perverted, and you felt the need to lash out at everybody by laughing at horrible things and such. Which leads me to my next part:

2. Nazis aren’t funny. Y’know, people who kill millions of other people simply because they are homosexuals, Jews, Communists, or any other one of a number of groups aren’t usually funny. Oh sure, Hitler’s mustache was very funny (after all, he took the look from his favorite comedian, Charlie Chaplin), and I would laugh my ass off to see, say, Hitler or Hermann Goering tied to the side of a rocket and fired into the sun. But, I don’t know, I don’t like being called a Nazi just because I decide to go onto the Internet.

sick_boy_1.jpgNow, of course, I’m sure that labeling your forum members and those who look at your site as Hitlers is your idea of fun, but not mine. You know, we beat Hitler and the Nazis, nuked the Japanese, and beat Mussolini, too, using hundreds of thousands of young mens’ lives, so you can say that everybody on the Internet is Hitler. It just seems ridiculous (and immoral) to me that you would do that. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just that you and your writers seem to have such an obsession with Hitler and the Nazis and you seem to like writing about them that bothers me the most. Like, you know, My Tank Is Fight, that book one of your writers came up with about World War II. Or the fact that you label forum posts as either “gold” or… “gassed”, as in “sent to the gas chambers”.

Oh yes, and this quote, from one of your articles:

“Greetings Something Awful readers! Today I, Rich ‘Lowtax’ Kyanka, will continue with Zack ‘Head Exciter’ Parsons’ hourly articles detailing his mental masturbation over every single vehicle ever potentially touched by a Nazi! In this update I will cover the Straussenhagan GBS402 Heavy Pants-Shitting Laser Beam, the Fritzstchtrubluben Mobile Infantry Baby Carriage, and the highly wacky Heinfaustunguntutzifanzenwurst Lumber Mill which gave the Nazis the ability to upgrade the damage of their spears and thrown weapons. Ha ha, I am of course kidding, Zack ‘WWII Obsessor’ Parsons would undoubtedly tear my throat out, pay to give me a throat transplant, and then force feed me my own throat if I attempted to encroach on his precious World War II monopoly.”

Wow. That last line was very, how should I put this, clever, Lowtax.

And then, of course, you feel the need to combine your site’s won’t-shut-up-about-furries attitude with your love-borderline-fellatio of Nazis to create this gem, written about an Awful Link of the Day:

“Now I don’t want to sound like Hitler here, but I strongly advise the US Government to round up all furries, herd them into concentration camps, and then gas the living hell out of them. The only thing that will allow me to sleep soundly tonight is knowing the fact that these freakish fucktards will never, ever, ever have the chance to breed.”

Yeah, talk about real Internet humor! Because mass murder is funny, as long as it’s against some random group that does something stupid and/or gross! Good job Kyanka!

Over and over again, you and your writers and forum members prattle on endlessly about concentration camps, death squads, Nazi weaponry and tanks, Jews, “things Jewish people can’t eat”, and, of course, Hitler himself, trivializing the Holocaust and the unbelievable burdens the United States had to go under to end Nazism. It’s a crutch you can’t get off of because you can’t bring yourself to write about anything else (excepting Livestock’s obsession with fur traders, for what reason Christ alone knows); but don’t worry…

3. You needn’t worry about being outshined by your other writers. Why? Because none of you is capable of writing all that well! In fact, your Front Page work is perhaps the worst of any major website on the entire Internet! Isn’t that wonderful?! Doesn’t it fill your heart with pride that you’re known for getting beaten up by Uwe Boll and pasting your asinine logo on other peoples’ Photoshop work rather than real writing style and creativity like your doppelganger, Maddox, is? Or the fact that almost all of the updates to your site consist of horrible formulaic crap about nonsense subjects like ice-cream vendors molesting children and watching retarded people having sex? How about the fact that I like some of your own site writers better than you, and millions of people know you as a limp-dicked, greedy, pussy-ass money-grubbing slimebag? I’m sure that you look on all of that with great pride in yourself. No, Lowtax, it must be great to know that you and your site introduced the world to such wonderful things as “All Your Base Are Belong To Us” and cripple porn, and that your forum members had to hack into TV Guide just to get you a mention in the magazine.

And I’m sure that the best part (for you) is this: You didn’t make your site great. You didn’t write your forums. You didn’t get your site traffic, nor did you make those Photoshop Phriday posts. None of it was your work. You’ve gotten where you are because of the millions who love you and drool over the possibility of paying ten dollars so you can ban them for hurting your feelings. The thousands of dollars you’ve made aren’t because of your work; they’re from others. And every day you take advantage of them, banning them for being part of certain groups or for writing things you don’t like, or for no reason at all. You’re sick.

And you make me sick.

I apologize if I’ve hurt your feelings, because I would certainly never want to lose the forum account I have in my head on your site, but, really, there’s nothing better than writing out your frustrations. In fact, I encourage you to do the same; hell, make me an Awful Link of the Day for all I care, let’s see what your forum members think about my little rant. In fact, I’ll even give you some facts about myself:

  • I think that some of what the furries do actually shows a lot of beauty and talent, and that not all of it is sick jerkoff fodder, regardless of what you think.
  • I don’t like the Nazis, but I’m Christian, not Jewish, not homosexual, and certainly not Communist.
  • I like your forums, and I like Photoshop Phriday on your site, even if 98% of it is other peoples’ work.
  • I work with Legos, and currently own a massive Lego city.
  • My dog is a Welsh Corgi named Sissy.

See what kind of great humor you can make out of that, Lowtax! I look forward to seeing your next inspired post.

Respectfully yours,

The Luigiian.

Update (August 20): Apparently, the Something Awful Sycophant Squad has found my page. As a brief version of my basic points (as I see them):

  1. Talking about furries is stupid, having any number of links to furry porn websites is too much, comparing furries to an animal worship cult (like at least one forum member I’ve seen did) is stupid.
  2. People who are going to piss and moan about furries should not use anthropomorphic pigs as avatars.
  3. Having giant pretend ads that say things like “The Internet: Where Everyone Is Hitler” is not funny, and trivializes World War II.
  4. Saying you want furries put in concentration camps and gassed trivializes the Holocaust because furries are a dipshit fan group, not a religion or ethnicity that was persecuted for traits its members were born with.
  5. No, My Tank Is Fight is not funny.
  6. You suck at writing.


Tell me what you think! email me:Luigirepublic@aol.com


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Getting a Nintendo Wii, and Other Acts of God

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My house, which would be redneck and ugly if not for the beautiful Wii in the far-left corner.

Long ago, in a far different mindset, I hated the Wii concept. Back when it was called the “Revolution”, I thought it was the dumbest idea Nintendo had ever had. If you will recall, back then a stick you pointed at your TV was called a “remote control”, and wireless controllers sucked ass. Like hard. And controllers did not come in two parts.

Now, of course, the Nintendo Wii has become my calling. Like so many gamers before me, my quest has been to procure for myself a Nintendo Wii, so that I may, too, fling the stick controller into the TV screen. Now, I’m sure that many of you would not want to fling something at your televisions, but that only shows how stupid all of you are. All TVs are evil. Our current TV, an RCA, is currently creating elaborate plans for shutting down the moment that the last episode of TV’s House premieres, and not to come back on again until the entire episode is over and OH DEAR GOD WE MISSED THE LAST EPISODE OF HOUSE and we are forced to fling something through the TV set anyway. Our last TV, also an RCA, broke after I played Dance Dance Revolution on it. Either it has bad taste in video games or it was just a crappy-ass TV. I’m banking on the latter.

Anyway, so I have searched far and wide for a Nintendo Wii, because it is the cheapest new game console out there that does not come with a touch screen. For example, here are some responses I got from various stores about when they normally got Nintendo Wiis:

  • Best Buy: First lady told us either Wednesday or Saturday; a guy told us that it was only on Saturday. Why the change of story? My opinion: Because Best Buy is evil. I will stand by my claim.
  • Circuit City: Be first there on Saturday, or something like that. I think that you have to read the newspaper or something, or else they won’t let you have one. I think that this is yet another attempt to get children to read whenever they could be playing video games, and therefore I will never buy a Circuit City product ever again.
  • EB Games: Buy a gift card for like $270 or something, and they’ll give you a Wii whenever they get one.

Clearly, the best choice is EB games, because their offer allows me to spend even more of my free time surfing the Internet and finding horrible things that I can obsess over and will disdain and throw up thinking about within the next three years or so. So I purchased a gift card around five days ago.

nintendo_wii.jpgToday, of course, I took my grandmother to the grocery store, which is obviously not the start of a good day. In fact, it’s the opposite of a good day, because a good day involves Bennigan’s and getting a hot girlfriend. But I was in for something much better than unconditional love, desire, and vaguely Irish-themed food: My Wii came in. A week or two early, I think. And so I got my grandmother out of her chair and forced her to go to the mall, sometimes approaching speeds of up to thirty miles over the speed limit, dodging police officers, pedestrians, and semi trucks, to go for my big Wii. As I approached the EB Games in the local mall, hoping grandmother was still OK even though she had appeared to have had a mild heart attack from shock or something, I became embarrassed, thinking at how nerdy I must look, running through the mall alone for no good reason.

“Wow, you got here fast,” the clerk said. “I’ll try to get it from the back and not stir up a commotion.”

And he brought out the glorious Wii, in its box, and inquired whether I wanted any games with it, but, alas, I had brought no money with me, so I just got the console with the sports games. Though saddened at this loss, I skipped merrily out of the mall, smiling all the way and scaring small children as I went. It was wonderful.

My grandmother was happy for me as I set up the system. It was smaller than I’d thought, barely larger than the original X-Box’s controller. But as I began to play its games, and I swung its controller like a golf club, I realized that I had joined the “in” crowd. I was the proud owner of a small plastic box full of wires and microchips and solder, swinging a stick in front of it. One of an elite group of nerdtards. It was mine. My Wii.

Yay.

The Luigiian Book Review: Maddox’s The Alphabet of Manliness

alphabet_manliness1.pngOf all of the websites on the Internet, probably the most caustic, vile, and excellent website is Maddox’s “Best Page in The Universe.” Attacking everything he can think of, from Christopher Reeve to abortion advocates to pro-life advocates to music companies, this former telemarketing- company programmer has built an entire fanbase on vitriol and sarcastic writing. His style, in many ways, resembles George Carlin’s, with an in-your-face, no-holds barred sort of style that doesn’t so much laugh as, well, kick ass.

So, it’s obvious that this sort of writing style might be good for a book. Enter The Alphabet of Manliness. Maddox took a long hiatus from his website to write both this book and a comic book on a similar note, taking an obvious opportunity to make some money off of his website acclaim–which loses him money, since he uses no advertisements.

The Alphabet of Manliness uses a format that feels both unusual and cliched at the same time. As you might have guessed at the title, the book moves like a child’s story book, starting each chapter with a letter of the alphabet–for example, A is for “Ass-Kicking”; B is for “Boners”; and so on. As you also might expect, this style makes the book feel extremely contrived at times–for example, using Chuck Norris for the “N” chapter feels less like a Maddox idea and more like a last-ditch effort at producing a subject that begins with the letter N–and that’s very unusual for a man whose work is synonymous with unrestricted content.

good_manliness_illustration.jpgAs a first book, The Alphabet of Manliness isn’t terrible, with good illustrations, decent writing, and a clear manliness about it. Maddox shows unusual amounts of self-deprecating humor, with a typical section on hot sauce saying that fish like hot sauce–because when Maddox fed a fish some, the fish “started doing tricks like swimming on its side”, which seems to suggest, you know, Maddox being a dumbass for once. There’s also a good deal of entertaining work in this book, with sections on lumberjacks, pirates (“It’s considered impolite to rape”, Maddox warns them) and works on “zombies”, namely the ones you see daily at the office, not the ones that eat peoples’ brains.

But Manliness still isn’t even close to being the best book in the universe. For one thing, there’s Maddox’s treatment of women. Maddox’s website was always described as “an outlet to express [Maddox’s] frustration.” So, on his website, I give Maddox a pass on his treatment of women and children, assuming that he probably has a little brother that gives him crap and what people would probably describe as “girl troubles,” thus making him want to vent.

I’d give his book the same pass if it actually felt like Maddox was venting. There’s no anger in this book. The frustration shown in works like “I Hate Cameron Diaz” is nonexistent, and the writing is almost lifeless. Chapters on obedience-training women and other such topics make Maddox come off less as an annoying nerd and more like an ignorant bigot in his freshman debut, and some of the chapters border on sexual perversion that wouldn’t be out of place on “Lowtax” Kyanka’s Something Awful, especially chapters on “Knockers”, “Copping a Feel”, and “Sneaking a Peek”.

The problem Maddox’s book suffers from is a complete lack of everything his site stood for. Too much of this book is about attacking women and children, and even more is devoted to sex. Sure, there’s plenty of farts, breasts, and cursing in this book. But for those of us looking for a more scathing satire of something besides Internet pornography, this book is an extreme disappointment. And, in the end, even a team of illustrators, publishers, and plenty of money isn’t enough to stop Maddox’s middle-age spread.

My Trip to the Dentist

“Open Wide, Please”

Going to the dentist is difficult for most people, but it takes on a different sort of difficulty for me. Like, when most people go to the dentist, they think of it as a torturous exercise in pain that they must endure. I do not. I brush my teeth twice daily, and floss every one, taking as long as it takes because I have no real life outside of this blog and maybe three or four friends, most of whom I never see. So, when I go to the dentist, I always fear my first cavity, because that would show that I have failed in my goal. I would become one of the common people. One of the people with holes in their teeth.

Today was not unlike any other day, in that respect. Though I’ve gotten used to going to the dentist for the most part, it is still not as relaxing as, say, a trip to the doctor. When I go to the doctor, there is a very simple cycle of events, in which my weight is taken, they strangle my arm with their little blood pressure monitor, my doctor tells me I may have some kind of horrible disease, he asks about my pimples, etcetera. Then he gives me lots and lots of various drugs, I get tests that show that I do not in fact have any horrible diseases, and I go home.

But when I go to the dentist, it can be quite different. You never know when they’re going to tell you that you have to have sealants replaced, or that your wisdom teeth are breaking your back teeth apart and thus must be removed, or that you have excess saliva in your mouth, and you are being difficult, and would you please shut off your saliva glands because I Did NOT go to college to deal with yucky spit. This time, I got through with a clean bill of health, except for one thing: Like I already mentioned, the damn wisdom teeth. You’d think that wisdom teeth would be wise enough to not grind up against other teeth like juvenile delinquents, and just be good. You would be wrong. Mine are being mean little bastards, and they are apparently screwing around with my back molar teeth. This, of course, is not good. I need my back molar teeth. They need me. I have enjoyed chewing food with them.

Unfortunately, that means that I must have my wisdom teeth removed, which is the bane of human existence for guys. Oh, sure, you ladies out there, you have your little birthing ceremonies, wherein you stretch and scream and push and puuuush until a little potato-looking thing comes out of your reproductive regions, and then ask that it be put back in because it is frightening the nurses, but for a guy, the two major pain times in one’s life are Circumcision and Wisdom Tooth Removal, which many dentists now perform under cover of darkness with at least one priest on call for any necessary exorcisms.

So I am not super-happy. Even the comedic stylings of 8-Bit Theater cannot relieve my stress. And I have been unable to play video games all summer long, because our main television, the one with all kinds of switches and knobs and orifices for electronic devices, happens to be an RCA, and is therefore broken. If my cousin Josh teases me because he beats me at Soul Calibur II when he gets back from Ohio, I’m going to kick his ass whenever I get the opportunity.

However, there is a silver lining to every cloud, and as it turns out, I get to probably go to Red Lobster tomorrow. It is a custom that whenever I go to the dentist, me and my mother go to the Red Lobster, and this time shall not be different from all the other times. I like crab. It is good. It is good incentive to go to the dentist. And above all else, there is always shrimp.

And, of course, my teeth.

Building Luigiville Christian Church: A Luigiian MOC

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Recently, a great evil descended upon the earth: Brickshelf stopped operation. Brickshelf, the land where us LEGO designers posted our greatest images with great fanfare and server usage, was my primary photo-keeping place. Now that it’s gone, I’ll be getting off MOCPages too. In a time of great sadness such as this, I know many of you begin to believe there is no God. Therefore, to rekindle your faith, I have posted these photographs of Luigiville’s new church (the old one “burned down” after I dropped it on the floor).

new-years-2005-06-007.jpg Luigiville’s old church looks excellent in this picture, but by the time I got around to rebuilding it, the roof trusses were rotten and crumbling, the roof tower was weakened, the interior was shabby, and the parts were old and yellowed. It was sorely in need of redesign. The new design would completely enclose the structure and redesign the murals and colorful motifs across the design to look cleaner and more deliberate.

new-church-001.jpgLuigiville’s been waiting for a new church for a long time. Since the first construction began about eight years ago, construction techniques have changed, but the church remained a relic, dusty inside and out with crumbling roof pieces and weak framing. The newer church replaces the older parts with newly-designed glass roof sections and trusses.

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One of the most difficult parts of designing the new church was in keeping the original’s unusual murals on the sides and rear. This photograph shows the new rear, which is designed in Native American tribal style, with intricate geometry. An angel in the center of the design accentuates the Christian style.

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As one enters the church, the dark sanctuary is kept hidden from sight. Here, you can see the lower part of the podium as well as the rows of chairs. A little bit of the church’s upper design work is also visible. Believe it or not, it took me a little while on LDD to get the colors to mesh just right on the church’s bright colors: too much green, red or tan and it looked funky, too much white and it looked boring. The finished piece has a slightly Mesoamerican/Asian feel to it.

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This view was taken by removing the entire rearend of the structure. It’s a view from the podium, and as you can see, the roof sections are light… and fragile. I had to literally remove the baseplate to fix the roof after breaking off the rear pieces. It may be a church, but it’s an unholy mess to put together.

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In this last photo, you can see the electric organ/piano to the upper left, and seating for two speakers to the right. A pair of stairways flank the central podium. You can also see some of the upper roof parts, which are made of tinted clear pieces, giving the interior light. While the farthest right and left flooring is black, the middle is green and the stairs are colored red, to give a bit of color to the monotony.

And thus concludes the first MOC I’ve ever posted on my blog. Leave me a review below, if you dare. WOOOoooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Attention Stumbleupon Wankers: No, Nobody Wants Your Stupid Adult Videos.

I was going to post a poem I wrote entitled “The Last Stand of the Republic,” but it’s too good for you (a code word which means that I’ll post it later), so I’m going to bitch about something else today.

StumbleUpon is a kickass browser extension that you add to either Firefox or Internet Explorer (depending on whether you’re in the know, lazy or mentally retarded). It adds a button to the left-hand corner of the screen which takes you to a randomly-chosen site that usually kicks ass (excepting of course obnoxious meme sites, which of course number about 99% of the chosen pages). Just about everybody has it or its equivalent, and if you don’t either get it or an equivalent, it’s probably better to just save money and cancel your Internet connection and reformat your hard drive, because otherwise you’ll get shitty sites (like every single page on WordPress except mine).

Of course, with wonderful content like this, it’s logical to think that people would treat it with respect, using it to get the latest and best humor, photographs, news, trivia, and just general bullshit. Think again:

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Ladies and gentlemen, the Internet just got dumber.

Whenever I first saw this, I laughed a little. “Aw, how cute,” I thought, “A six-year-old that can write.” I then thumbed it down and went on looking for more pictures off the top of Mount Everest (for God alone knows what reason).

But, unfortunately, this image is quickly spreading across the Internet, molesting its viewers’ eyes with its God-awful grammar, drawing ability, and dumbass emoticon. Its message, in case you couldn’t read it, is simple: Some kid is trying to help the world’s Internet wankers find adult videos by getting people to thumb-up the image. Like anybody actually gives a shit.

But, of course, this made me wonder: “Doesn’t StumbleUpon already have porno?” And I checked. Lo and behold:

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But no; that isn’t enough for our man Mr. Porno connoisseur. He has to have a link for adult videos, to boot, as if it isn’t enough that we have sites like kontraband.com, chicksnbreasts.com, playboy.com, camwithher.com, and all those other adult video sites. No, we have to have more. We need a link on every site on the entire Internet for porn.

It’s not that I don’t understand the guy’s argument; after all, it would be nice to see some porn that didn’t involve lesbians or maiming fetishes for once, but that’s not my point. My point is that there’s already plenty of that crap all over StumbleUpon. Hell, even some peoples’ avatars could be classified as pornography. If you want, you can even post stuff on your site and have it classified as adult. Some people even take that concept to extremes:

 

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Adult-rated? Wow. Really?

In case you’re wondering, this was only one of a few semisexual avatars on SU, and I’ll let him off the hook this time because of that. I was actually looking for an avatar I’ve seen around StumbleUpon of a naked anthropomorphic female fox (apparently one of the “furries”), but I found this first. Count yourself lucky this time.

I hope to God the days of poorly-done, one-liner MSPaint humor end pretty damned soon. Even Maddox, the best of the genre, has essentially stopped drawing in MSPaint. I know, a lot of you hate Maddox, but I think you’d have to agree he knew how to make a good Paint image, something nobody else I’ve seen is able to do in the humor sector. Look, it’s not funny, it’s not interesting, and it’s not worth anybody’s time. We need to give this shit a rest. If you want adult videos, go to Google Video. Please give my hands a rest and don’t make me write another damned attack on this stuff, because even attacks like this one are getting old. Please? For the love of God.

 

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Man Versus All The Nature He Sees: The Series

Hello, I’m Nick Chucklesworth, and I’m a trained former member of the Marines. Today on Man Versus Nature we’re going to see how many animals we can piss off, how many random cliffs we can jump off of and whether or not we can make you, our viewer, think that I’m alone, fighting for my life in Nature, instead of being surrounded by cameramen with massive flashbulbs and video cameras. Let’s begin.

Today, we’re going to be venturing across Dead Man’s Chasm, a region known for the fact that anything and everything that attempts to cross it dies a horrible, painful death. This sounds easy for me, a trained former member of the Marines, and so I’m going to do everything I can as stupidly as possible.

(Long pause)

chucklesworth.jpg

All right, now we’re beginning to head towards our campsite for the night, and as you can see, I’ve found a rattlesnake here in the bushes. Now, it’s coiled and it appears pissed off, and you know what that means! I’m going to throw a rock at it!

(He throws the rock, after which the snake bites him right in the stomach, followed by horrible screaming noises and retching. A doctor on the scene immediately administers antivenom, as our man Nick continues cursing.)

All right, now that we’ve done that, I’ve got some food for the night, because, man, I’m hungry. Usually, I’m afraid of snakes, but now that I’ve killed it with that tranquilizer dart, it’s time to cut the snake’s head off and get the skin off so I can eat it. This is clearly going to be delicious, and I hate this little demon very much.

(At that moment, the tranquilizer wears off, and the snake bites him again, this time in the groin, followed by horrible screaming noises and retching. A doctor on the scene immediately administers antivenom, as Nick continues cursing, and leaves the scene rolling his eyes and shaking his head.)

OK, now that I’ve killed the little effer with a rock and put on a jockstrap, it’s time to partake of the snake. It’s a wonderful meal, and you can immediately tell it’s done because you can pull the meat right off and it tastes like chicken. (He tentatively takes a piece off and puts it in his mouth.) Oh yeah!

(Cut to nightfall. Nick is shivering in a tent reminiscent of the Blair Witch Project, with a scared look on his face.)

Oh shit! It looks like there’s probably a bear outside of our tent!

(A squirrel can be seen scurrying just outside of the tent.)

It’s probably because my cameramen put their food scraps too close to cam… I mean, it’s probably looking for food. You know, bears love to kill humans, just like all animals like to. I’ve heard horrible stories about entire packs of bears and wolves merging en masse to random people’s tents for no other reason than to rip their scalps off and eat them. So I think it’s time to venture off into the forest to look for some bears to piss off. Extra points if we can find an entire wolf pack! We might be able to steal some deer carcass and really piss some animals off!

chucklesworthii.jpg (Cut to Nick running through the forest in his underwear followed by television cameras.)

All right, now it’s clear to me that this is the right thing to do, running through the forest like this. But I think it’s time I really started to look for animals. So I think I’m going to get a bath now.

(He strips off his underwear and proceeds to the nearest cliff, which plunges forty feet to the water below.)

Now, this is a dangerous jump for most people, but because I’m a trained former Marine, I should be able to make it. You gotta jump just right, and of course, it’s freezing ass cold and if you hit the rocks and break your legs you’ll die. Let’s give this a shot!

(He jumps, followed by a horrible crunching sound and cursing from forty feet below.)

Shit! Now that’s something bad! Look at that! The bone is sticking out of my thigh!

(The doctor cleans the wounds, puts the bone back in place, bandages the wound, puts it in a cast, and smacks Nick across the back of his head. He goes offscreen mumbling to himself.)

Okay, now I’ve taken my bath, and after a few weeks of recuperation at the local hospital, I’m ready to try my luck again at finding animals. For example, fish, and I’m feeling hungry, so I’m going to use a spear made from this cattail stem to get fish. Just kidding! I’m going to try to grab them with my bare hands!

(He starts randomly grabbing at water, until he finally catches a fish. It’s a barracuda.)

All right! Now, you can eat fish like this raw, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do!

(He bites the fish right in its back, and get this, the fish bites him in the face.)

Oh shit! The fish has bitten me in the face!

(The doctor slaps him again, and bandages his face. He walks offscreen cursing.)

chucklesworthiii.jpg All right, now that I’ve eaten some delicious barracuda, it’s time to search for either a bear or a wolf. Oh look! There’s a bear! Right over there!

(He points at a bear cub.)

Oh! This is perfect! He has a fish! I’m going to try to steal the fish from this bear cub!

(He begins to get up close to the bear cub, and tries to snatch the fish from the little bear, after which the bear begins to whine, and a huge shadow appears onscreen. Nick looks up.)

Oh shit! It’s a

(And a bear mauls him in a fit of screaming and cursing and growling.)

Okay, folks! Now as you can see, the fine staff at Santa Muerte Medical Center are now treating my wounds, and doing so well! For example, just take a look at this good, high quality body cast. And though I lost several fingers and at least one testicle, it appears that I’ll survive my ordeal with nature. My survival is a wondrous example of nature’s raw power, its majesty, it’s beauty. And just next week, we’ll be going to a wolf den to see what happens when you try for your ultimate role as Alpha Wolf of the pack! See you soon!

(The doctor groans.)