Great Writers Throughout History: Maddox

(Pantera, “Cowboys from Hell”)

Very few times in the epochs of human existence has a writer so fluent, intelligent, and tolerant as the great George Ouzonian been able to express himself, least of all on such a large expanse on the Internet, without being summarily tortured and killed. It is a testament to our time that such a great writer as Mr. Ouzonian–known on the Internet as “Maddox”–can write enlightening, progressive treatises on issues current to our time without fear of retribution.

Maddox’s most important contribution to the literary world can be seen in his poignant essays on the women that make up our world, our mothers, wives and daughters who give us life and provide millions of men with love and compassion when they need it the most. This can be seen especially clearly in his groundbreaking masterpiece The Alphabet of Manliness. This avant-garde epic, which stretches 204 pages in length, tackles important issues of today, such as Ass-Kicking, Boners, Copping a Feel, Female Wrestling, and Chuck Norris.

(under Copping a Feel)

Figure 2: A droopy, pudgy, lumpy mess of an ass. Notice the pockmarks (1), awkwardly shaped slabs of meat jettisoning out from the sides of the waist (2), the clenched uninviting crack (3) and the burgeoning folds of cellulite (4). Just nasty.

Figure 3: A thick ass looks like a happy smile. You can see that this ass is healthy and bursting with flavor.

A fat ass is a sad ass. You don’t want anything to do with a fat ass, other than to loathe it. A thick ass, on the other hand, is plump and beautiful; it should make you feel hungry like when you see a glazed ham that you can’t afford in a Christmas catalogue. (Alphabet of Manliness, page 23)

(under Chuck Norris)

I walked up the staircase for what seemed like days, and when I finally reached the top, I saw Chuck Norris sitting on his throne. I dared not look him in his eyes because one time this guy looked him in his eyes and Chuck Norris spontaneously combusted him. No one is allowed to speak with Chuck; the only thing you are allowed to do in his presence is bow, kiss his ring, bow again, and leave. So I walked up to his throne and saw that he was wearing a ring made out of solid diamonds with a unicorn on it that had an erection [Figure 3; the caption reads “I’d have a boner too if I were on Chuck Norris’ ring.”]

I kissed his ring, and then I wanted to thank him, so I said, “Sir, permission to thank you for the privilege of allowing me to kiss your ring.” If Chuck Norris doesn’t immediately kill you, that means he has granted you permission. I thanked him, bowed and left. It was the happiest day of my life. (The Alphabet of Manliness, page 117)

Can enlightening passages like these give us any doubt as to the genius concealed within the hallowed pages of The Alphabet of Manliness? No. No, they really cannot.

Really, I cannot express in words the kind of thinking and writing ability that went into constructing such brilliant quotables as

I saw slick Willy Clinton on TV today. He was signing some bill to ban imports on goods that come from companies that violate child labor laws. Why? What good are kids if they don’t work? If kids don’t work, then who will mine the coal?? (From here)

Bob Saget is Satan* (*Note: Bob Saget is a great comedian outside of Full House and America’s Funniest Home Videos, don’t take this page too seriously.) (From here)

“I think you’re cute!” Lie. No girl thinks I’m cute. I’m repulsive. I’m hideous. (From here)

Evil Nazi Feminists From Hell.

Where the hell is the feminist movement today? I looked through some feminist books at the library, and almost every one of them bitched about male patriarchy. Oppression this and equal rights that. BORING. Where’s the violence? Nobody wants to read about a single mom trying to raise a kid and keep a job. People want to read about explosions, monsters, and exploding monsters.

Feminists are loud, stupid, bitchy and above all: annoying. All they do is run around shrieking about men. News flash: nobody gives a damn. Go away. I’m pretty tired of taking responsibility for some slack-ass women that expect special privilages [sic] from men.

And lest we not forget, Maddox links to the webcomic Ctrl-Alt-Delete on his front page, here:

This is Ctrl-Alt-Delete’s comic for today:

With these two artists being at the level of intelligence and ability they’re at, I thought I should combine some of their finest work into a powerful synthesis. See what you think of my efforts:

The bottom panel in both comics is from a story arc in Ctrl-Alt-Delete. In the arc, the comic’s lead character Ethan and girlfriend Lilah are preparing for the birth of their child. Lilah suffers a miscarriage. This really happened to Buckley. He said regarding his hoped-for family’s real-life miscarriage:

Some many years ago, I was in a relationship and we suffered a miscarriage. Now, this relationship was toxic to begin with and doomed to fail regardless, so that the miscarriage was the straw that broke the camel’s back came as no surprise. Still, it’s a tough thing to handle because it’s nobody’s fault. And I know that it’s often much harder on the woman than on the man. However, I also know that it doesn’t necessarily turn you into a sad, depressed sack of tears for the rest of your life. People move past it.

Really, that’s all you need to know to understand the caliber of writer we’re dealing with here. It’s always nice to see a guy like Maddox: A guy that likes webcomics of the caliber of Ctrl-Alt-Del; a guy that shows such incredible humility; a guy that has such love for his fellow man; and a guy that has the state of mind to tell us about how women are sluts and feminists are Nazis. Like Rush Limbaugh or that pathetic nerd in your Computer Science class, Maddox’s commentary on America rings out above the intelligence of well-adjusted, normal people.

When I read Maddox’s literary masterpieces, each crafted with all the strength of brain, firmness of message, and reason of being I have come to expect from the Internet, I tremble. It is like a dream, in which I am taken down the river of Life, and I hit a rapids, and am thrown from my raft and crack my head on a rock. I am given that kind of feeling reading Maddox’s blog. And I can be comforted in knowing that his kind will be with us for a very long time.

Hey, a couple thousand years of progressive human civilization can go fuck itself.

UPDATE (July 31, 2008): I have found images which, in my opinion, prove that Maddox is a homosexual and likes the cock. These images were found here.