Holy shit, Maddox… doesn’t suck?

I wrote a ways back on how Maddox sucks. In case you don’t know, Maddox is the Armenian that encourages date rape, lynching gays, and hating America. You should have seen his article “String up the faggots”, in which he discussed stringing up faggots, and his later work “I think circumcision should be mandatory, just a total circumcision where they cut off the entire dick so you fuckheaded Americans can’t produce any more cunt droppings you pieces of ALALALALA JIHAD JIHAD JIHAD.”

Ah, typical Maddox, you cockskin hater, you. Anyway, Maddox recently posted his latest article, “I hope I get swine flu“, in which he opines that he wants to get swine flu so he can show us how manly he is and how big his balls are and that the swine flu is actually pretty much the same as regular flu.

This article should be on CNN Headline News, but isn’t because all the CNN news anchors are out with swine flu. The headline: “Maddox publishes first readable article in two years”. Maddox, you have my respect for this article. It didn’t suck.

Also, speaking of circumcision and it being mandatory on Americans, fuck you, Americans. Only in America do they cut off their children’s foreskins in the name of Jesus so their children don’t get STDs from fucking French hookers. I’ll have the whole story in my statement on circumcision later this week. Oh yeah, and you Americans can’t wash under your baby boys’ dick skin because you’re all fundamentalist Christian zealots, so they get infections and you have circumcise them anyway. This is because you’re all retarded. All of you. And you too, Canadians. All of you are a bunch of slack-jawed yokels with no mental capacity, no taste in music, food, architecture, cars, or sports, and New Mexico is the worst of all. Remember, it developed the atomic bomb, murdering hundreds of thousands of Japanese. New Mexico is the most violent, despicable, depraved, destructive state in the dumbest country on Earth. Fuck you, New Mexico.

And peace out from Vrillon of the Ashtar Galactic Command.

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It took you long enough, Albuquerque.

Albuquerque’s Blue Line Rapid Ride Internet is finally online, meaning that if you’re on the bus you can now use your computer on the Internet. ‘N’ shit.

In honor of this sacred event which we all hold so dear in our fat geeky virgin asses and fat cholesterol-filled hearts, I have removed both the article in which I attacked the drunken scuzzballs that ask me how much my computer is every time I get on the bus, and the article in which I attacked the City of Albuquerque for not putting Internet on the Blue Line Rapid Ride so I could make hateful blog posts about how stupid people like you, the person reading this article, are. Now I can attack you even while riding on the bus. Ha. Ha. Etcetera. Expect me to use this newfound ability constantly from now on.

Expect a new article on Transformers having gay sex with each other, or furries having gay sex with each other, or circumcision, or possibly how much Maddox blows, or something else involving penises and homosexuality in the near future. And once again: Thanks, City of Albuquerque! I really fuckin’ appreciate it. Assholes.

Update (7:36 PM MST, August 10, 2009): I’ve noticed I’m the one who’s been reading this article more than anybody else. Considering how I said I write posts about how stupid the people who read my articles are, I think this has very troubling implications.

Update (7:38 PM MST, August 10, 2009): I have decided at least one person who reads my articles isn’t stupid. At least, I don’t think he is. And he is a he. I checked. Definitely a he.

Update (7:39 PM MST, August 10, 2009): I would also like to state for the record that I was not on the bus when I checked the gender of the one person who reads my articles that isn’t stupid. Nobody needs to see that stuff, man.

Intellectual Property Rights: On the Internet, Nobody Can Hear You BitTorrent

How the Internet works.

How the Internet works.

Today we are going to discuss intellectual property rights on the Internet. Now, I do realize this is a difficult subject for many people. To begin with, the very phrase is problematic; it contains the words “intellectual” and “Internet” in the same sentence, which is very questionable in what it suggests about Internet content in general. Secondly, the phrase contains the words “property rights” and “Internet” in the same sentence, which suggests that people on the Internet have some kind of “right” to the YouTube videos they post of themselves and all their friends burping the alphabet song.

In all,the phrase “Intellectual property rights on the Internet” seems to suggest that there is some sort of “intellectual property” somebody has “rights” to, on the Internet. Thus, for many, discussing Internet property rights is a little like discussing a cow’s right to own a Ferrari convertible.

There are many men on the Internet that could pass for cows, often on the basis of weight alone, although in that regard some are a bit more similar to whales, if you get my drift. Their fans are also akin to cows; chewing on the dried out cud of old memes and new information about unimportant things that nobody cares about, they fill their four stomach compartments with information digested over time, in the hopes that they can produce the thick and juicy Milk Of Information for their fans, thus completing this cycle of Internet cowdom.

Unfortunately, sometimes Internet cows’ milk is not so good. Sometimes our Internet cows–referred to by those in the know as Intercows–produce blue milk that is indigestible, or produce milk that is thick but lumpy and of questionable nutrition. These sadly information-starved Internet cows typically stay on celebrity gossip websites and look like Serbian war refugees. But this is not important. No sirree. What is important is, no matter how retarded the content they add to the Internet, Youtube-posting, blogging, webcomic-drawing Intercows do in fact deserve some kind of intellectual property rights.

Bear with me, I have a point.

Consider a cow. Like, in a barn. Now, imagine that this cow decided one day to get off its fat lazy hoofs and begin composing great symphonies the likes of Mozart. Now, I’m sure you probably think, “Oh, this is just a cow, there’s no way it could make any kind of music aside from intestinal disturbances. Now make me a steak, woman.” But you are sorely mistaken. First off, I am not a woman. Second off, how do you know what a cow is capable of? You don’t live anywhere near a cow, and if you do you’re probably a redneck, so your opinion doesn’t count, because you voted for George W. Bush and are therefore responsible for [insert horrifically embarrassing international incident involving the word “nukyalar” here].

Just assume (ASSUME, DAMMIT!) that we found that a cow could make great music. The question is, of course, what would we pay cows to listen to their music? Would we take them to the Roxy and have them conduct an orchestra? Certainly not, as the udder gyrations would be nearly hypnotic and distracting to the musicians. We also could not have them play on streetcorners, as they are usually naked, and public nudity is a crime in most areas. The answer is, of course, Youtube. Youtube will allow you (we’ll call you “Billy Bob”) to upload videos of your cow (we’ll call her “Bessie”) to a Youtube account (“Cowtube”). At any time, in any stage of undress, you can upload videos to Cowtube of your prodigious cow. The only question now is where you make money.

Typical Internet advertisement.

Typical Internet advertisement.

The answer, of course, is advertisements. Advertisements are obnoxious things large corporations place on web pages to infuriate Internet users. The idea is very simple, really. If enough corporations place enough advertisements on enough webpages, everybody using the Internet will be so irritated from clicking the “X” button on various advertisements for rubbery unmentionable bananalike projectiles and feminine flotation devices that they’ll give up on using the Internet and go out to buy Mountain Dew and Cheetos. This may seem like a poorly-conceived way to make money, but it forms the foundation of the modern world economy as we know it.

To put it simply, Intercows do in fact make money off their work, via advertisements. In fact, the only person I know of who does not make money peddling his writing on the Internet is me. I do not make a single damn cent writing all this horse manure. The closest thing I get to actual money is in the form of intense satisfaction from reading angry half-finished rants from total strangers, most with three or four mistakes per word, telling me how horrible I am for comparing great writers like Maddox–who I might add, now makes money off his book, The Alphabet of Manliness–to a cow.

Technically, whether or not people get to make money off their Cowtube videos has nothing whatsoever to do with intellectual property rights, although it’s definitely something I would like to do, so I could stop being poor. Nevertheless, many take Internet intellectual property rights seriously. So let’s talk about that some more. There is a more important question than mancows’ right to money for their work anyway. That question is, of course, “Are you infringing on somebody’s intellectual property rights is you use BitTorrent to steal BloodySugar’s latest strip-jewels-game/comic extravanganza?” No. No, a thousand times over. Or at least I sure hope not. So then we have to ask: Does BloodySugar.com make good drawings of naked cartoon women? I have no idea. Do I need to change this site over to a place that lets me place advertisements all over the place for no apparent reason? Yes I do. I definitely need to get into putting advertisements on my little online e-diary here. And that’s the end of our discussion for today.

Clearly we have learned quite a bit. To recap:

-It is OK to steal from Internet people, especially mancows like Maddox and Jerry Holkins, because they are fat and they make money anyway and they should be used to feed starving children in third-world nations.

-It is also OK to steal from porno sites like Bloody Sugar, because they are disgusting filth and if you don’t steal their latest furry porn masterpiece they will fill your mind with garbage and make you want to have sex with a woman, which we all know isn’t going to happen for at least the next four centuries anyway, so why bother trying?

-Cowtube would be an excellent name for one of those websites where women of questionable morals place videos of themselves for no apparent reason. It might make some think twice before posting the videos, for fear that they would be called “cows”. Many might get jobs.

-I need to put ads all over the place for no apparent reason.

That’s it for today. I hope you feel as enlightened as I do. I feel like a black hole of enlightenment right now. How about you?

Yes, This Is Seriously the Easter Post for 2009.

(Yes, I’ve Seen All Good People. I nominate this song for Official Easter Song.)

P.S. Happy Easter. Praise Jesus and may he not strike me dead in the coming year.

Great Writers Throughout History: Maddox

(Pantera, “Cowboys from Hell”)

Very few times in the epochs of human existence has a writer so fluent, intelligent, and tolerant as the great George Ouzonian been able to express himself, least of all on such a large expanse on the Internet, without being summarily tortured and killed. It is a testament to our time that such a great writer as Mr. Ouzonian–known on the Internet as “Maddox”–can write enlightening, progressive treatises on issues current to our time without fear of retribution.

Maddox’s most important contribution to the literary world can be seen in his poignant essays on the women that make up our world, our mothers, wives and daughters who give us life and provide millions of men with love and compassion when they need it the most. This can be seen especially clearly in his groundbreaking masterpiece The Alphabet of Manliness. This avant-garde epic, which stretches 204 pages in length, tackles important issues of today, such as Ass-Kicking, Boners, Copping a Feel, Female Wrestling, and Chuck Norris.

(under Copping a Feel)

Figure 2: A droopy, pudgy, lumpy mess of an ass. Notice the pockmarks (1), awkwardly shaped slabs of meat jettisoning out from the sides of the waist (2), the clenched uninviting crack (3) and the burgeoning folds of cellulite (4). Just nasty.

Figure 3: A thick ass looks like a happy smile. You can see that this ass is healthy and bursting with flavor.

A fat ass is a sad ass. You don’t want anything to do with a fat ass, other than to loathe it. A thick ass, on the other hand, is plump and beautiful; it should make you feel hungry like when you see a glazed ham that you can’t afford in a Christmas catalogue. (Alphabet of Manliness, page 23)

(under Chuck Norris)

I walked up the staircase for what seemed like days, and when I finally reached the top, I saw Chuck Norris sitting on his throne. I dared not look him in his eyes because one time this guy looked him in his eyes and Chuck Norris spontaneously combusted him. No one is allowed to speak with Chuck; the only thing you are allowed to do in his presence is bow, kiss his ring, bow again, and leave. So I walked up to his throne and saw that he was wearing a ring made out of solid diamonds with a unicorn on it that had an erection [Figure 3; the caption reads “I’d have a boner too if I were on Chuck Norris’ ring.”]

I kissed his ring, and then I wanted to thank him, so I said, “Sir, permission to thank you for the privilege of allowing me to kiss your ring.” If Chuck Norris doesn’t immediately kill you, that means he has granted you permission. I thanked him, bowed and left. It was the happiest day of my life. (The Alphabet of Manliness, page 117)

Can enlightening passages like these give us any doubt as to the genius concealed within the hallowed pages of The Alphabet of Manliness? No. No, they really cannot.

Really, I cannot express in words the kind of thinking and writing ability that went into constructing such brilliant quotables as

I saw slick Willy Clinton on TV today. He was signing some bill to ban imports on goods that come from companies that violate child labor laws. Why? What good are kids if they don’t work? If kids don’t work, then who will mine the coal?? (From here)

Bob Saget is Satan* (*Note: Bob Saget is a great comedian outside of Full House and America’s Funniest Home Videos, don’t take this page too seriously.) (From here)

“I think you’re cute!” Lie. No girl thinks I’m cute. I’m repulsive. I’m hideous. (From here)

Evil Nazi Feminists From Hell.

Where the hell is the feminist movement today? I looked through some feminist books at the library, and almost every one of them bitched about male patriarchy. Oppression this and equal rights that. BORING. Where’s the violence? Nobody wants to read about a single mom trying to raise a kid and keep a job. People want to read about explosions, monsters, and exploding monsters.

Feminists are loud, stupid, bitchy and above all: annoying. All they do is run around shrieking about men. News flash: nobody gives a damn. Go away. I’m pretty tired of taking responsibility for some slack-ass women that expect special privilages [sic] from men.

And lest we not forget, Maddox links to the webcomic Ctrl-Alt-Delete on his front page, here:

This is Ctrl-Alt-Delete’s comic for today:

With these two artists being at the level of intelligence and ability they’re at, I thought I should combine some of their finest work into a powerful synthesis. See what you think of my efforts:

The bottom panel in both comics is from a story arc in Ctrl-Alt-Delete. In the arc, the comic’s lead character Ethan and girlfriend Lilah are preparing for the birth of their child. Lilah suffers a miscarriage. This really happened to Buckley. He said regarding his hoped-for family’s real-life miscarriage:

Some many years ago, I was in a relationship and we suffered a miscarriage. Now, this relationship was toxic to begin with and doomed to fail regardless, so that the miscarriage was the straw that broke the camel’s back came as no surprise. Still, it’s a tough thing to handle because it’s nobody’s fault. And I know that it’s often much harder on the woman than on the man. However, I also know that it doesn’t necessarily turn you into a sad, depressed sack of tears for the rest of your life. People move past it.

Really, that’s all you need to know to understand the caliber of writer we’re dealing with here. It’s always nice to see a guy like Maddox: A guy that likes webcomics of the caliber of Ctrl-Alt-Del; a guy that shows such incredible humility; a guy that has such love for his fellow man; and a guy that has the state of mind to tell us about how women are sluts and feminists are Nazis. Like Rush Limbaugh or that pathetic nerd in your Computer Science class, Maddox’s commentary on America rings out above the intelligence of well-adjusted, normal people.

When I read Maddox’s literary masterpieces, each crafted with all the strength of brain, firmness of message, and reason of being I have come to expect from the Internet, I tremble. It is like a dream, in which I am taken down the river of Life, and I hit a rapids, and am thrown from my raft and crack my head on a rock. I am given that kind of feeling reading Maddox’s blog. And I can be comforted in knowing that his kind will be with us for a very long time.

Hey, a couple thousand years of progressive human civilization can go fuck itself.

UPDATE (July 31, 2008): I have found images which, in my opinion, prove that Maddox is a homosexual and likes the cock. These images were found here.

Maddox Sucks.

I’m not exactly sure when I came to the conclusion that Maddox–the sole writer for the wrongly-titled Best Page in the Universesucks. Maybe it was when he deleted his parody of Something Awful from his website. Or maybe it was when he released his literary abortion known as The Alphabet of Manliness. Perhaps it was whenever his fanboys started writing knockoffs so bad they almost made The Alphabet of Manliness seem palatable by comparison. Or maybe it was when he wrote this. Or maybe it was whenever he diluted the title of “Real Man” by applying it to his own pale, fat chauvinistic nerd ass.

All of the above reasons–plus a plethora of others I’ll get to in this review–are perfectly acceptable reasons to hate Maddox. Yes, hate. In the same way that Maddox “hates” old people, children, women, the Microsoft X-Box, the iPhone, and cheese pizza, I despise Maddox for being Maddox. To put it another way, I dislike the kind of guy who names his website “The Best Page In the Universe” and then uses it to mock people who somebody might actually give two shits about. Punctuating this L. Ron Hubbard-styled exercise in egotism is his brown-nosing fanbase which worships his work to the point of religious obsession. Could The Best Page in the Universe be the next Scientology, with Douglass DC-8-styled battlecruisers and intergalactic feminist aliens? Is that not the most terrifying possibility ever put onto the Internet? Let us not even entertain the thought of either and just move on.

Probably the easiest reason to hate Maddox is because he’s a terrible writer. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “HURR HURR, TALK ABOUT A HYPOCRITE. SHITTY WRITER MAKING FUN OF ANOTHER WRITER’S SHITTY WRITING. LOLS!” Whatever you say, Captain Dumbass. Regardless of my writing talents, my site is tiny and inconsequential. Nobody cares what I think about anything. The likelihood of anybody–let alone several hundred thousand fans–actually reading this post and caring about what it says are slim to nil. The reason Maddox’s shitty writing is so obnoxious is because he is actually a professional because of it. People actually give a shit about what Maddox thinks about something. Somehow, in spite of being a parody (one hopes) of every single stupid manly clich√© ever made by anybody, ever, this man was able to get a book deal. And he got it based on–get this–his writing work on a fucking blog. Which puts him on the same publicity-hunting rung as Tila Tequila. Minus the tits and ass, of course.

Now, fair’s fair, some of Maddox’s later blog posts (were) actually decent. He criticized Bill O’Reilly–and was funny doing it! He coherently lampooned various crappy cars. He successfully made a tribute to some actual manly men without seeming like a chauvinistic douche about it–particularly the bits about Gregory Peck and Judge Mathis. Well, except for the part where he describes Peck driving with “a woman in the passenger seat, just like God intended”, but since this is Maddox we’re talking about, and he and chauvinism go together like shit and toilet water, I’ll let it slide. He even satirized Sesame Street’s decision to make a muppet with AIDS–and didn’t even make AIDS jokes while he was doing it, which puts him above many other bloggers and so-called “humorists” one could name.

Those were the good times for Maddox–a period of time stretching all the way from 2002 to, oh, around the end of 2003. So, about a year of half-decent humor and satire. But what if you look deeper, back to where he was starting, around, say, 1998? Boy, are you in for a surprise!

It’s not that I’m against a guy venting about those nasty high school jocks that stripped him naked and strung him up a flagpole or those girls that refused to touch his penis or whatever the hell people did to Maddox when he was a pasty-skinned nerdy loser, but Christ if it isn’t the most irritating thing whenever “entertainment” writers start putting it on their front page. As a warning: No, nobody wants to hear that you think girls are Nazis. As a side note: Nobody gives a shit. Seriously, cut it out.

In later years, “just to be a dick”, Maddox started timing his posts once every few months instead of once a week. Just about everything Maddox has made during this period–which, unfortunately, includes the present–is unfathomably terrible. Some argue he bottomed out around where he started ranting over crappy movies nobody cares about.¬† Others say it happened when he criticised states nobody cares about. Probably his worst-ever blog post was his bit on puns, where he lashes out both at people who make puns (who nobody cares about) and Dave Matthews Band (a band nobody cares about). Clearly, two things can be inferred from these posts:

  1. Nobody cares about the topics of the blog posts.
  2. Nobody cares about the blog posts themselves, either.

Nobody cares because all of this is stupid bullshit.

That’s enough of talking about Maddox’s blog (and yes, Maddox, your “webpage” is a blog), so let’s go on to his “professional career.” There are two principal parts to Maddox’s career as a professional writer: Namely, a comic book about beating up women and children which is so bad it probably makes Shredded Moose look like Penny Arcade in comparison; and The Alphabet of Manliness, which I’ve read and therefore can confirm is so bad it makes Shredded Moose look like Penny Arcade in comparison.

The Alphabet of Manliness is possibly the longest, most knuckle-draggingly stupid treatise on everything that is wrong with men that has ever been published. Its twenty six chapters are arranged alphabetically, as follows:

  1. A is for Ass-Kicking
  2. B is for Boners
  3. C is for Copping a Feel
  4. D is for Taking a Dump (Seriously, does Maddox know how to spell? Since when does T equal a D… You know what? Nevermind)
  5. E is for Enlightenment
  6. F is for Female Wrestling

Seriously, good God.

In case you’re wondering, yes, it gets worse from there. There’s the chapter on “Knockers”, another chapter on “Chuck Norris”, another in which he teaches his fans how to obedience train their women, under “O”, and the obligatory pieces on urinal etiquette and violence. This book–which runs 204 pages long–includes such memorable passages as

(under Copping a Feel)

Figure 2: A droopy, pudgy, lumpy mess of an ass. Notice the pockmarks (1), awkwardly shaped slabs of meat jettisoning out from the sides of the waist (2), the clenched uninviting crack (3) and the burgeoning folds of cellulite (4). Just nasty.

Figure 3: A thick ass looks like a happy smile. You can see that this ass is healthy and bursting with flavor.

A fat ass is a sad ass. You don’t want anything to do with a fat ass, other than to loathe it. A thick ass, on the other hand, is plump and beautiful; it should make you feel hungry like when you see a glazed ham that you can’t afford in a Christmas catalogue. (Alphabet of Manliness, page 23)

And no, I’m not including the nasty pictures.

(under Chuck Norris)

I walked up the staircase for what seemed like days, and when I finally reached the top, I saw Chuck Norris sitting on his throne. I dared not look him in his eyes because one time this guy looked him in his eyes and Chuck Norris spontaneously combusted him. No one is allowed to speak with Chuck; the only thing you are allowed to do in his presence is bow, kiss his ring, bow again, and leave. So I walked up to his throne and saw that he was wearing a ring made out of solid diamonds with a unicorn on it that had an erection [Figure 3; the caption reads “I’d have a boner too if I were on Chuck Norris’ ring.” Boy, do I feel sorry for the talented artists who had to draw the picture of a ring embossed with a bucking unicorn and what appears to be a two-foot erection. But, oh, wait, these artists asked to be a part of the project. Nevermind then, into the pit with you all. THIS IS SPARTAAAAA]

I kissed his ring, and then I wanted to thank him, so I said, “Sir, permission to thank you for the privilege of allowing me to kiss your ring.” If Chuck Norris doesn’t immediately kill you, that means he has granted you permission. I thanked him, bowed and left. It was the happiest day of my life. (The Alphabet of Manliness, page 117)

Why the hell did Maddox even decide to include this? Seriously, he’d get a boner from being on Chuck Norris’ ring? He’s willing to kiss an engraving of a unicorn with an erection? He thinks Chuck Norris wears a ring with an engraving of a unicorn with an erection? Is he some kind of gay zoophile or something? Oh wait, it’s a joke, and he says “I’m currently not single” on his FAQ page on his blog anyway. Okay. Male or female partner, Maddox? I seriously can’t tell anymore.

Oh yes, and then there was the chapter on “Metal”, which I will use as an excuse to put this music video here. Hey, screw you if you don’t like it, I do this for every post.

(Iron Maiden, “Number of the Beast”; posted by Nitro285, assuming he doesn’t force me to take it down because he’s a Maddox fan)

The most obnoxious thing about Maddox’s fanbase is how they use the term “satire” to defend his articles. Whenever Maddox’s fans are called upon by somebody with some modicum of decency to argue why it’s all right that Maddox writes multi-page essays on beating women or abusing children, and they refer to his work as “satire”, they are arguing that his arguments are just joking around. To put it another way, they’re saying it’s OK to talk about beating women as long as you’re just joking. Or, I guess, that it’s OK as long as you’re just mocking women, somehow.

If you’re going to write “playful” satirical essays on beating the shit out of a woman (LOL, playful?), don’t make an early statement about how feminists are Nazis and whining about how girls don’t like you and all women are sluts. Seriously, just no. And, as a corollary, don’t feed me shit about how your article on child abuse is a joke whenever you write early about how children are worthless without so much as cracking a smile.

I don’t know how else to explain to you why this (by which I mean Maddox’s anti-feminism shit) is not satire. I guess I can try the simplest reasoning I can think of: The reason it’s not satire is because the person who wrote it seriously believed what he was writing. Let me put it this way: Satire means that a person is making fun of somebody else, mocking them to make a point about their arrogance or stupidity. It’s not like Maddox is making fun of chauvinist pricks when he says feminists are Nazis. It’s not like he was just pretending to have a grudge against women when he wrote early on “To all those guys out there looking for a good woman… STOP LOOKING.” No, it’s quite clear this pathetic bullshit is not a joke. Maddox is making his opinions heard with the striking of a hammer, pounding them into your skull, with all the humor and intelligence of Ann Coulter or Rush Limbaugh. Which means that unless Maddox had an unusually enlightening conversation with the Tolerance Fairy and everything after that, including the obedience-training women chapter of the Alphabet of Manliness, is just Maddox making a commentary on how incredibly stupid and barbaric the American male is, he’s just being a chauvinist pig.

(Update Nov. 30, 2008:) I have heard increasingly angry commentary about this point, from many, many people who still argue that Maddox can be defended by simply saying he’s a satirist. To these people, Maddox is not just a “humorist” or a “humorous writer” or even a “shock writer”, they insist on the pretensions involved in calling a writer a satirist. Many have used the term “fratire” to describe Maddox’s style of writing. Which I suppose is honest, since “fratire” basically means “frat-boy satire” and Maddox is basically a frat boy without a fraternity. I will argue simply this: Satire is the art of ridicule. More specifically, it implies a folly or vice upon which scorn must be heaped. I wrote this article thinking that no sane human being, not even Maddox, could ever seriously believe that the women’s civil rights movement was a folly, and therefore I believed his fans merely to be wrong, not defending hatred and segregation of the sexes. I also felt that it was clear that Maddox could not be heaping scorn on anti-feminists and chauvinists, since Maddox has made it quite clear that he is against feminism in general. I suppose if Maddox regards the continued women’s rights movements as a “vice” or a “folly” seriously believes his commentary in Salon magazine that women’s subjugation in American society amounts to “not being able to vote”, and believes that womens’ rights are indeed much less important than rights for blacks or any other oppressed group, then I will relent and admit with shame and revulsion that Maddox’s work does indeed count as satire. The absolute most repulsive satire I have ever seen.

This post is at least five pages long and I still haven’t even begun to list all the reasons that Maddox is possibly the worst popular writer in the history of the Internet: The long list of obnoxious meme-like “manly” traits like his obsession with beef jerky and hot sauce; the inability to list a “like” that does not include lesbians, violence or antisocial behavior (because apparently his target audience is–you guessed it–35-year-old sexually insecure basement dwellers or thirteen-year-boys); suggesting that people kill themselves and then attacking anybody who says differently; and much, much more. Ha ha ha, Maddox, that suicide piece is hilarious. And your rebuttal to your detractors is just icing on the cake of brilliance.

In the end, you could almost forgive Maddox for being so awful if he were just venting. But when the guy’s so fuckin’ insecure of his self-worth he literally mentions in his bottom-of-the-page stat counter that he won’t be eligible for the Presidency until 2016 (“Vote for me then, guys, I’ll take away female suffrage and legalize rape”), says that his fans would make him President if they could, and you know they would just like he says, it becomes unforgivable. It’s like looking at Hitler before he became Chancellor of Germany, and yes I invoked Godwin’s Law. Because you know that’s how Hitler became Chancellor of Germany. Because you just know that it was sycophantic morons like this guy that contributed to Hitler’s ability to enslave all of Western Europe. Thank God Maddox’s legions of fans will never leave their computers, because otherwise I’d be terrified of their collective strength. Head for the hills! Maddox’s fans are coming! They’re going to go after the women and children like 4chan’s Scientology raid, only a billion times stronger and infinitely more stupid.

Just to finish this off: One of Maddox’s posts is entitled “Wireless Internet may well destroy our chances of contacting intelligent life.” In it, he describes how one of his fans is a complete retard and goes off on the rest of his fans using her as an example. The apparent gist of it all is that these people are making aliens think we’re all a bunch of semi-intelligent Neanderthals that aren’t worth contacting. Just so you know Maddox, it’s not your fans. Oh no. They’re the least of our problems. Our bigger problem is with the half-cocked, insecure dumbshit leading them into new levels of stupidity by driving asshatted unfunny chauvinistic crap into their thick skulls, calling it “humor” on the way down the Golden Road To Retard Center. Seriously, Maddox, go fuck yourself, or get your man-crush Chuck Norris to do it for you. You’re such a pathetic excuse for a “manly man” it would be a miracle if he even let you suck his cock. And even though I said I’d let it slide, seriously Maddox, if you think “a woman in the passenger seat, just like God intended” is the pinnacle of masculinity, you’d might as well trade in your penis and get a vagina. It wouldn’t be missed, trust me.

UPDATE (July 31, 2008): I have found images which, in my opinion, prove that Maddox is a homosexual and likes the cock. These images were found here and were uploaded to MaddoxMania’s “Hidden Maddox” archive.