Attention Moviegoers: Roger Ebert is Trolling You.

Ask yourself this: If you were a 66 (going on 67) year-old movie critic who’d underwent a tracheotomy, four surgeries to remove cancerous tumors in your salivary and thyroid glands and jaw bone, required further surgery to reconstruct your jaw, and yet still had a group of salivating sychophants hanging on your every word, what would you do?

I think you’d do what I’d do, and what Roger Ebert has been doing for awhile now: say “FUCK OFF, ASSHOLES! WHAT, HAVE MY THIRTY YEARS OF ENLIGHTENING MOVIE CRITIQUES NOT BEEN ENOUGH FOR YOUR SELFISH ASSES!? I’M ABOUT TO DIE! PISS OFF!”

Sure he doesn’t say it like that, but he’d might as well. He thumbed down Star Trek – a movie which 92% of movie critics agreed was good, meanwhile thumbing up Paul Blartt, Mall Cop (which, in case you couldn’t have guessed, is considered one of the worst movies out this year).

But here’s the thing: he’s subtle. He thumbed down Queen Piece-Of-Shit “He’s Just Not That Into You“, while thumbing up good movies like WALL-E because let’s be honest, nobody hates WALL-E. If he’d thumbed down WALL-E obvious troll would be obvious. And we can’t have that.

I never watched Ebert at his “prime”, but right now I’m sure enjoying watching the old fart prove that his fanboys really and truly can’t distinguish a good movie from a bad one without having Ebert give his OK. It’s like people that read John Solomon and say “OMG NOW I CAN’T LIKE MY FAVORITE COMICS ANYMORE!!!” As if critics are the be-all and end-all of everything. Bullshit. If you like it you like it. Hell, I like some of the worst webcomics and movies out there. Because they suck.

It can be just as entertaining to watch a shit movie to watch the director and all his actors stumble all over themselves like retarded monkeys trying to act. Give me some of that shit, it’s hilarious. Let me laugh at Tim Buckley try to talk his stupid ass out of a botched miscarriage strip. Let me read as David Hopkins writes another goofy-assed horror movie fanfic where his deformed furries get raped by demons. Let me laugh at Keanu Reeves pretending to be a super spy. Let me watch Robin Williams try to be a dramatic actor by dressing up in a clown suit and trying to get children to laugh in a cancer ward. Fuck quality acting! That’s some good shit!

Roger Ebert is doing an awesome trolling job. Don’t stop telling him he’s crazy, fans! He might stop.

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The Smells of Life

Humans are very weird about smells. Everything about people is designed to smell. And yet humans want to remove their smells from their bodies, to avoid offending others.

Nobody except a person who smells wants to smell a smelly person’s smell. Except their own smells. When you’re first born up to about age five, you only have to smell your own smells, unless your parents are particularly smelly. Then you have to smell your parents’ smells too. You’re usually OK with your own smell. Not so much with your parents’. They go above the limit. The smell limit should not be passed, of course.

Then you smell your classroom on your first day of school. Say it’s kindergarten, or preschool. And you smell the room, and it smells terrible. Now, you figure that your smells smell pretty good, so you decide to let a big one rip. But it doesn’t make it smell any better. In fact, it smells worse. You’ve added another terrible smell to these terrible smells. It’s like a gas chamber. You’re afraid you’re going to die. Death by smell.

This is your first inkling that your smells might not smell so nice. And now the girls say you stink too. But, you don’t want to take a shower. That’s too much to ask, even for a girlfriend. So you try to control the smells. You use all kinds of deodorant, spraying it everywhere it can be sprayed on your body, including unmentionable orifices. You spray it hoping it can mask the fact that you haven’t bathed in three weeks. Unfortunately, you haven’t yet learned that body spray deodorant mixed with three-week old body odor smells like body spray deodorant mixed with three-week old body odor. It’s a smell from hell. You smell like hell. And somehow the girls still don’t like you.

This is your first inkling that corporate America might be lying to you. After all, the AXE body spray commercials clearly show men with women crowding around them in packs after spraying just a little bit of the stuff on their necks, as if it’s some kind of irresistable miracle fluid. Clearly a lie. So you become a hippie, and begin to go to events like Burning Man to get back at The Man. Your smell gets worse. And all the women that are now interested in you smell like patchouli. To hell with that.

Finally, you decide that enough is enough and you’ll begin bathing regularly. Finally you find a suitable woman or effeminate man and begin having copious amounts of sex. But now you can’t just smell your smell. Now you’re smelling somebody else. Now you have to deal with both your smell and this person’s smell. It’s a cornucopia of smells. Your smells mix into new smell. A together smell. You smell nice together.

Then she has babies, and now there are new smells. The babies are little sacks of feces and vomit and piss, and now you have to smell their smells too. And your smell and your significant other’s smell and the baby’s smell and the smell of the house mix together. You have a family smell going now. You recognize the smell of family time. You could be at work, and you’d instinctively know it’s time for home. Time for family smell.

As you get older, your son ends up trying to use body spray to cover up his odors, too. Now you see why nobody would date you in high school.

And then you go to the senior home. Now your smells are really smelly, and people can smell them from miles around. You’re a lot like that baby, with the horrible baby smell. Baby won’t talk to you any more. Baby’s grown into a man, and has found his own smell. He chose an effeminate man to spite you, and now both of them lisp at you for how ignorant you are when you get mad and start spouting off randomly against “the fags” and “the nigras”. Your son and his boyfriend both smell like cherry chapstick.

Then you die. You smell like dead person. That’s not a pleasant smell at all. Smells dead. people that aren’t dead don’t like that smell. They’ve had enough of you and your smells. You’re stinkin’ up the place. So they carry you to the funeral home. They bury you in the ground. Now only plants like your smell. Smells like fertilizer.

I won’t belabor it any more. Smell is your life. Smell is my life. Smell is life. Life is a test. Life is a smell. Life is a test of smells. First you’re supposed to tolerate your own smell, which is easy. Everyone can do that. (Unless they’re a burn victim, or can’t control their bowels. Then it’s much harder.) The second test is the relative smell. Tough test. Third’s other peoples’ smells. Even tougher. Then it’s the sex smell. People like that test. It’s easier. If you’re straight and going with someone of the opposite sex, and they bathe and don’t smoke. As long as all of those things are going, you’ll be fine on that test. Then there’s the baby test. Now that’s a test from Hell. And finally there’s the death test, where you’ve been through all the tests. That test is to test other people. You’re testing people to see if they can tolerate your smell. Great test.

In conclusion, I find it comforting that after having been exposed to all these different smells, that I’ll get to fight back against the smelly fuckers out there by forcing them to smell my dead rotting corpse. Fuck you, smelly people. Everyone else, have a nice day. Have a good life. Have a good smell.

The Story of Penis Mutilation in America: Circumcise Your Boys for Jesus and Protect them from French Prostitutes

The peoples of the world are defined by their ignorances. Some of the peoples of the world have tame ignorances, such as those of the Greeks who used to molest children for sport. Others have very interesting ignorances. For example, the Chinese liked to force their women to wear very tiny shoes so their feet would become deformed, because Chinese men are sexually attracted to women with deformities.

America is the nexus at which the various ignorances of the peoples of the world are brought together in a single unholy writhing mass of ignorance, hatred, bigotry, misogyny, and closed-mindedness. Being a nation of primarily unwashed honkies, America’s ignorances tend towards those of white trash, people who prefer their trucks big and who prefer their women drunk and willing at all times. These are people who hate science, who stone gays, and who hate vegetables, nutritious foods, and anybody who is not also white trash, including liberals, Hispanics, rich people of all kinds, intelligent people, and people who actually know what the hell is going on beyond Big Bubba’s Trailer Park Emporium and the local GMC dealership.

The one group which white trash loves besides other white trash is Jews. White trash loves Jews, or at least those who helped to write the Bible, a book which white trash holds dear in its white trash heart to make all of its decisions. Much white trash prefers to open up a Bible and pick a phrase at random to tell their fortune, in a ritual they refer to as “Bible dipping”. Then they go out and lynch fortune-tellers en masse because fortune-tellers get their powers from the Devil.

Fundamentalist Christians specifically fell in love with Jews, especially the nation of Israel. Israel is fundamentalist Christianity’s friend, because it gives fundamentalist Christians a convenient reason to bomb the shit out of people poorer and worse off than themselves, another white trash hobby. Christians fell so unremittingly in love with Jews, the Bible and fundamentalist religion that they consummated their relations with this religious trinity in an unholy buttsex orgy, resulting in a horrible fusion of all of these things which was so great that we still feel the results today, especially in our cocks.

The following is the story of how circumcision came to be. This story will explain to you why children have their dick skins cut off if they are born in the United States of America, land of the free, home of the ignorant fetid masses of the world.

Here’s why Americans circumcise their children.

Thousands of years ago Jews began to circumcise their children in the name of God. They did this so God would not smite them, or whatever shit people were coming up with back then. If you masturbated or didn’t cut the skin off your penis or had fun while having sex the Jewish God would torture you and kill you and send you to Hell.

Then, Jesus came to life as a corporeal representation of God. Jesus didn’t say dick about circumcision, except that his followers didn’t have to do it. Fuck that part, though, because he’s totally cool with it and such. After all, he was Jewish; he would be cool with the whole dick-skin sawing thing. He was a carpenter. One would assume he circumcised himself with a saw. A big fucking saw. Or a chisel. He probably chiseled his dick-skin off.

Then the Romans took over Christianity so the Jewish God wouldn’t destroy their Empire. The Jewish God destroyed their Empire anyway. He also tortured the Jews for various reasons.

By the early 19th century most people had stopped cutting off their children’s cock skins for various reasons. I have many theories on why this occurred. First off, it didn’t help peasant children work in the fields or work in the mines, and since they were probably going to die before they turned twelve months old it didn’t matter anyway. It’s not like they were going to get to lose their virginity or masturbate or anything. And if they did, who cared? This was Victorian England! Fuck happiness and sexual expression!

Second off, who gives a shit if poor children go to hell? It was the rich that mattered. Cutting off poor children’s dick skins was an unnecessary cost. The poor needed to fuck and fuck and fuck and reproduce like rabbits until the world was full to capacity of stupid children that nobody could take care of, and it wouldn’t matter, because the unnecessary vagina droppings could die of starvation. And all of them could go to hell because they got to keep the twenty thousand nerve endings men have on their cock skin, and after the obligatory hard work for rich white people that don’t give a shit about anybody or anything but themselves it wouldn’t matter. They’d been used. Their purpose was fulfilled. Circumcision was unnecessary.

Then America got to work, and John Harvey Kellogg threw his hat into the ring and decided that circumcision would help keep young boys and men from masturbating. Obviously. You slice skin off a dick and it becomes a little bit harder to get off.

But that’s a good thing! Fuck getting off! It’s not important! What is important is being pure. Meanwhile chugging down alcohol while beating your children and wife and killing brown people in foreign countries and beating black people to death and forcing your lifestyle down the throats of everybody else. Jacking off is the problem. Cooling off with porn after work is bad. Beating your children and wife is the right way to handle stress.

Most people with a brain in their head ignored Kellogg, because corn flakes suck and so did John Harvey Kellogg, who was a lunatic. FUCK JOHN HARVEY KELLOGG AND HIS SHITTY CEREAL.

Seriously.

Anyway, so then we go to war. We blow the everliving shit out of a bunch of European countries who were led around by a lunatic for reasons which have never really been explained. (And those same countries did whatever this lunatic wanted them to, which I’ve also never really understood.)

Our soldiers were fucking left and right throughout all this war. They fucked every Parisian hooker in sight, and get this, they started getting STDs.

Gee, I wonder why.

Maybe if the soldiers kept it in their fucking pants and waited till they got home to their girlfriends, they wouldn’t have had to cut their cock skin off to protect themselves against STDs.

But no, and so they took the Jew route so they wouldn’t get the clap.

This–American troops having unprotected sex with hookers–is the primary reason children are circumcised in America today. GIs brought the practice home with them as a method of decreasing STD transmission. In addition, intact children must have their private parts cleaned thoroughly, and American parents are both too lazy and too prudish to touch a baby’s penis to ensure he doesn’t get a urinary tract infection.

And thus are American children circumcised in the name of Jesus who said his followers didn’t have to get circumcisions, to protect them from hookers and UTIs.

Children who are circumcised never get a choice, never go back, nada. Twenty thousand nerve endings and most of the penis’ sensitivity are out the window with a snip-snip-snip and a whoop-de-doodle. The foreskin can never be replaced. Men that lose it never fully feel sex ever again, and are permanently less sensitive.

In simple terms, the foreskin is what feels most of the secks. Americans started circumcising kids so men couldn’t feel sex and wouldn’t want to have it as much. Period. That’s why Americans circumcise their kids. That’s why Abraham did it, that’s why fundie Christians do it, that’s why it’s done. So men can’t enjoy sex as much and won’t do it anymore.

In frank terms, America doesn’t give a shit. Why should it? We’re talking about a country that considers Coca Cola with high fructose corn syrup to be equal to sugar Coke. These people will never care, because they are desensitized to all outside stimuli, whether it be oral, anal, or penile. So I suppose, keep doing what you’re doing, America. Because you’re Christians. Because you don’t like sex.

Because you know, in your heart of hearts, that your kids are going to go fuck some French hookers.

Sources:

Father Magazine, “The Historical Basis for Child Circumcision in America.” 1996. http://www.fathermag.com/health/circ/historical.shtml

San Francisco Gate. “The Mommy Files: CDC Considers Promoting Circumcision.” August 24, 2009. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfmoms/detail?entry_id=46066 (Yes, it is true, the practice is 60% effective in prevention of HIV. Pbbbbfffh. As you fundies always like to say, the best protection against HIV is abstinence. Isn’t saying circumcision prevents STDs just going to encourage circumcised kids to have more sex?)

American Academy of Pediatrics. Statements on Circumcision and Urinary Tract Infection. http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1477524 (And it will also reduce UTI contraction, from one in every 100 infants to one in every thousand infants. Big deal. I’ll take my chances, thanks.)

It took you long enough, Albuquerque.

Albuquerque’s Blue Line Rapid Ride Internet is finally online, meaning that if you’re on the bus you can now use your computer on the Internet. ‘N’ shit.

In honor of this sacred event which we all hold so dear in our fat geeky virgin asses and fat cholesterol-filled hearts, I have removed both the article in which I attacked the drunken scuzzballs that ask me how much my computer is every time I get on the bus, and the article in which I attacked the City of Albuquerque for not putting Internet on the Blue Line Rapid Ride so I could make hateful blog posts about how stupid people like you, the person reading this article, are. Now I can attack you even while riding on the bus. Ha. Ha. Etcetera. Expect me to use this newfound ability constantly from now on.

Expect a new article on Transformers having gay sex with each other, or furries having gay sex with each other, or circumcision, or possibly how much Maddox blows, or something else involving penises and homosexuality in the near future. And once again: Thanks, City of Albuquerque! I really fuckin’ appreciate it. Assholes.

Update (7:36 PM MST, August 10, 2009): I’ve noticed I’m the one who’s been reading this article more than anybody else. Considering how I said I write posts about how stupid the people who read my articles are, I think this has very troubling implications.

Update (7:38 PM MST, August 10, 2009): I have decided at least one person who reads my articles isn’t stupid. At least, I don’t think he is. And he is a he. I checked. Definitely a he.

Update (7:39 PM MST, August 10, 2009): I would also like to state for the record that I was not on the bus when I checked the gender of the one person who reads my articles that isn’t stupid. Nobody needs to see that stuff, man.

Meme of the Week: “Go On, Try a Linux!”

I propose a new meme be created from the phrase “Go on, try a Linux!” I discovered this phrase on the TwoKinds forums while trolling talking with its members, and I believe it is a good phrase. It is strange, makes no sense, and is stupid, and is therefore quite capable of being a very good meme.

Consider the following:

  • Linux is an inherently hilarious operating system, because it isn’t really an operating system so much as it is a party trick which is only useful for awing and astonishing your friends and coworkers at something that still requires that you type words out to install programs.
  • Hardcore Linux users are also hilarious, because they all (that means all of them) have Asperger’s and are severely socially retarded.
  • Linux has that damn penguin as its mascot, and penguins wear tuxedos.
  • Penguins are also funny. Did you see that cartoon with the penguins? Yeah, so did I. That was sure funny, wasn’t it?

And of course let us not forget

  • 4chan users will laugh at anything.

In light of these facts, I believe that this phrase will become a meme by next Thursday. Can’t you just see it? Can’t you just see 4chan users driving this meaningless phrase right into the ground? I sure can:

And there you have it, a perfectly logical scenario for my “Go on, try a Linux!” meme. I predict that I will wish I had never found this. Even if 4channers don’t use it it’s close enough to the shit they come up with that it’s almost like they’ve already used it. It’s pretty much already being used, just in different phrases. I’ll bet when you saw this title you thought, “Gee, I wonder when I’ll be seeing that one around Encyclopedia Dramatica.” That’s just the kind of phrase this is. You just feel like it’s already being used. Even if it’s not.

I can’t wait for someone to use this… this thing. It will make Milhouse a meme. And we all know what happens when that happens.

David Letterman’s “Bristol” Joke

For those confused by my post, “Jeep People are Disgusting”, it was a joke. I was as both poking fun at the Jeep culture–known for its snobs as much as any other–and at the ridiculous anger directed at SUVs like Jeeps from Prius drivers. I thought that the article was so ridiculous there was no way anybody could take it seriously, but I was wrong. If you didn’t get the joke, reread the article, and if you still don’t get it, my bad.

(This is much the same as with my Maddox article. I allege in the article that Maddox is a chauvinist, a terrible writer, that his work isn’t satire, and that his last several articles suck. Only one of the above is an opinion I hold. See if you can figure out which one is the real truth.)

Nevermind that. The airwaves are alive with yet another non-event, in this case regarding David Letterman and a comment regarding Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol.

To start with, the full video of the joke (information quoted, feel free to skim over it if you’ve already heard):

Since this joke aired, Sarah Palin has alleged that Letterman is making a joke about rape. Specifically, she is claiming that Letterman is actually referring to Palin’s younger, fourteen-year-old daughter, because her younger daughter was the only one that was with Palin at the Yankees game. Palin’s eighteen year old daughter-who wasn’t with her–was the one who’s known for promiscuity in the general media.

Now, I would like to give some thoughts from my position as a humorist (well, an attempted humorist) on this site.

To begin with, I think it’s quite clear that Letterman isn’t referring to Palin’s younger, fourteen-year-old daughter.

I make this assumption because the joke itself is stupid. I doubt Letterman knew which daughters were with Palin at the time, and I don’t think he and his writers really cared. I think it’s obvious that it was just an easy jab that Letterman was eager to grab for all it was worth.

On the other hand, I argue that the joke is also shit. I’m not sure if Letterman should issue an apology, but I think this joke and many others are clear evidence that he’s not funny anymore. This is much the same as when Don Imus made his “nappy-headed hos” comment, or when the “Kramer” guy made his “niggers” rant. The failure wasn’t in the content, the failure was in the delivery. It was lame.

The joke was unfunny to the point of blandness. It says something about David Letterman’s joke-telling ability when a joke about impregnating a teenage girl is considered bland.

I am offended by the joke first and foremost because it was unfunny and boring, bland drivel, not because it is “sexist” or “perverted” or any of the other bullshit Palin’s putting out there. If Letterman it fired for this joke, it should be because the joke is proof that he’s phoning this shit in and doesn’t even care about being funny anymore.

Your thoughts.

America Online, Part I: WinAMP

America Online and I have had a difficult relationship. No matter what I do, it just keeps on trying to shut me out. I never know what AOL is going to do next. One day, I think we’re all square up, and our relationship is going along fine, and then the very next day AOL decides to hide the keys to the house so I can’t get in. And then if I call the police to try to get into my own damn house AOL kills the police officers.

Recently I got a new program from AOL, called “WinAMP“, a music player like Windows Media Player or Apple’s iTunes, for a radio station I’ll build this summer. (I do realize most normal people do not actively attempt to make their own radio stations, but as you may have noticed by now, I am a highly unique individual, and I’d like to note for the record that my radio station, Radio Headroom, is totally legal, because it will have a broadcast radius of about ten feet.) WinAMP’s best feature is, of course, its mascot, which happens to be a llama. This is by far the best part of WinAMP from my perspective, anyway. Its other features aren’t so good. For example, when we’re playing a card game I happen to enjoy, called “Play Random Music”, and it tries to shuffle, it ends up making… well, a llama of itself.

(Just as an aside, the Max Headroom Incident is where “Radio Headroom” gets its name.)

Let me explain someting. When a normal, well adjusted human being or music player “shuffles”, he or she or it makes everything random. More importantly, though, you wouldn’t just shuffle a deck of cards once and be done with it. Every time you’d play a new game, you’d shuffle the cards again. My last music player, iTunes, did this. I would say, “Let’s play Random Music”, and it would shuffle the deck and play a random piece of music. It would not make a new list of music where it changed all the songs’ places on the list and then just play that for me over and over again. iTunes was normal like that.

Whereas when I play Random Music with WinAMP, it either doesn’t work or does exactly what I just described. (I should also note that neither of the linked forum threads are ones I posted in, just ones that somewhat describe the problems I had.) I’ll tell it, “Hey, why don’t we play some random music?” and it will make a new playlist instead and just play that over and over again. It’s as if you’re playing a game of blackjack and the dealer just shuffled the cards once and left them like that, for every game he played the rest of the day. Really, it’s enough to make me want to take tea with the Mad Hatter, but not really because the guy didn’t have anything by the Eagles.

So I decided that I did not like WinAMP, in spite of the fact that it had a llama as its mascot. While I knew I’d have to dig deep to find a music player mascot as cool as a llama, I decided to try to find a program whose features would work… on first install.

I looked around the Internet, and finally found Media Monkey. Now, most zoologists would classify Media Monkey’s mascot as a “monkey“. (I have linked to Wikipedia for those who do not know what a monkey is. I know, most of the people that come to this site are Americans and have never actually seen a monkey. My advice is to go to a zoo.) While I have to go through the hassle of feeding my media player a banana three times a day, it is quite good at shuffling music. It even uses its feet.

It also found old songs from all of the video games on my computer. You cannot understand the elation I felt when I heard, for the first time in several years, the theme song from the Sims. It was positively bizarre. I told my cousin of this development.

“Come here! You have to hear this! It’s the old Sims neighborhood theme 2!” I yelled from my room.

“Not now, I’m too busy watching Inuyasha,” I believe that was his response.

Part II continues here.