Attention Moviegoers: Roger Ebert is Trolling You.

Ask yourself this: If you were a 66 (going on 67) year-old movie critic who’d underwent a tracheotomy, four surgeries to remove cancerous tumors in your salivary and thyroid glands and jaw bone, required further surgery to reconstruct your jaw, and yet still had a group of salivating sychophants hanging on your every word, what would you do?

I think you’d do what I’d do, and what Roger Ebert has been doing for awhile now: say “FUCK OFF, ASSHOLES! WHAT, HAVE MY THIRTY YEARS OF ENLIGHTENING MOVIE CRITIQUES NOT BEEN ENOUGH FOR YOUR SELFISH ASSES!? I’M ABOUT TO DIE! PISS OFF!”

Sure he doesn’t say it like that, but he’d might as well. He thumbed down Star Trek – a movie which 92% of movie critics agreed was good, meanwhile thumbing up Paul Blartt, Mall Cop (which, in case you couldn’t have guessed, is considered one of the worst movies out this year).

But here’s the thing: he’s subtle. He thumbed down Queen Piece-Of-Shit “He’s Just Not That Into You“, while thumbing up good movies like WALL-E because let’s be honest, nobody hates WALL-E. If he’d thumbed down WALL-E obvious troll would be obvious. And we can’t have that.

I never watched Ebert at his “prime”, but right now I’m sure enjoying watching the old fart prove that his fanboys really and truly can’t distinguish a good movie from a bad one without having Ebert give his OK. It’s like people that read John Solomon and say “OMG NOW I CAN’T LIKE MY FAVORITE COMICS ANYMORE!!!” As if critics are the be-all and end-all of everything. Bullshit. If you like it you like it. Hell, I like some of the worst webcomics and movies out there. Because they suck.

It can be just as entertaining to watch a shit movie to watch the director and all his actors stumble all over themselves like retarded monkeys trying to act. Give me some of that shit, it’s hilarious. Let me laugh at Tim Buckley try to talk his stupid ass out of a botched miscarriage strip. Let me read as David Hopkins writes another goofy-assed horror movie fanfic where his deformed furries get raped by demons. Let me laugh at Keanu Reeves pretending to be a super spy. Let me watch Robin Williams try to be a dramatic actor by dressing up in a clown suit and trying to get children to laugh in a cancer ward. Fuck quality acting! That’s some good shit!

Roger Ebert is doing an awesome trolling job. Don’t stop telling him he’s crazy, fans! He might stop.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “Attention Moviegoers: Roger Ebert is Trolling You.”

  1. sandysays1 Says:

    Isn’t it Ebert that said, “The good thing about young actors is they get old.”? Frankly, my human listens keenly to what the critics say, then goes to the movies they dislike. Works good for him.

  2. seagate7 Says:

    Nice. You just described MST3K’s appeal.

    Great things are great. Pretty much everyone should be able to discern that. Horrible stuff is horrible, but in a way, it can also be great, because they might screw up so bad that it’s hilarious. Did you ever see that movie “The Room”? I never laughed so hard in my life, not even for “Naked Gun”. “The Happening” was shit, but at least I had a good time watching it with a friend, laughing at all the hideous acting and incredible bullshit moments.

    People always bitch that we don’t leave some webcomics alone. The only reason I keep reading CAD is because I just can’t wait to see how Buckley will fuck himself up worse than he is now. It’s a brand of morbid curiosity, like when you want to read up on WWII, or take interest in the history of Soviet Russia. They’re tragedies, but what interesting tragedies they are.

    The only actual fear that one should have is to cling out for things that are neither great nor horrible. Things that are so average and even that they don’t count for anything. Like that Kevin and Kell webcomic. Or Addanac City. In my opinion, the worst thing that can happen to a comedy webcomic is that it isn’t funny in any way at all.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: