Attention Moviegoers: Roger Ebert is Trolling You.

Ask yourself this: If you were a 66 (going on 67) year-old movie critic who’d underwent a tracheotomy, four surgeries to remove cancerous tumors in your salivary and thyroid glands and jaw bone, required further surgery to reconstruct your jaw, and yet still had a group of salivating sychophants hanging on your every word, what would you do?

I think you’d do what I’d do, and what Roger Ebert has been doing for awhile now: say “FUCK OFF, ASSHOLES! WHAT, HAVE MY THIRTY YEARS OF ENLIGHTENING MOVIE CRITIQUES NOT BEEN ENOUGH FOR YOUR SELFISH ASSES!? I’M ABOUT TO DIE! PISS OFF!”

Sure he doesn’t say it like that, but he’d might as well. He thumbed down Star Trek – a movie which 92% of movie critics agreed was good, meanwhile thumbing up Paul Blartt, Mall Cop (which, in case you couldn’t have guessed, is considered one of the worst movies out this year).

But here’s the thing: he’s subtle. He thumbed down Queen Piece-Of-Shit “He’s Just Not That Into You“, while thumbing up good movies like WALL-E because let’s be honest, nobody hates WALL-E. If he’d thumbed down WALL-E obvious troll would be obvious. And we can’t have that.

I never watched Ebert at his “prime”, but right now I’m sure enjoying watching the old fart prove that his fanboys really and truly can’t distinguish a good movie from a bad one without having Ebert give his OK. It’s like people that read John Solomon and say “OMG NOW I CAN’T LIKE MY FAVORITE COMICS ANYMORE!!!” As if critics are the be-all and end-all of everything. Bullshit. If you like it you like it. Hell, I like some of the worst webcomics and movies out there. Because they suck.

It can be just as entertaining to watch a shit movie to watch the director and all his actors stumble all over themselves like retarded monkeys trying to act. Give me some of that shit, it’s hilarious. Let me laugh at Tim Buckley try to talk his stupid ass out of a botched miscarriage strip. Let me read as David Hopkins writes another goofy-assed horror movie fanfic where his deformed furries get raped by demons. Let me laugh at Keanu Reeves pretending to be a super spy. Let me watch Robin Williams try to be a dramatic actor by dressing up in a clown suit and trying to get children to laugh in a cancer ward. Fuck quality acting! That’s some good shit!

Roger Ebert is doing an awesome trolling job. Don’t stop telling him he’s crazy, fans! He might stop.

Maddox Sucks.

I’m not exactly sure when I came to the conclusion that Maddox–the sole writer for the wrongly-titled Best Page in the Universesucks. Maybe it was when he deleted his parody of Something Awful from his website. Or maybe it was when he released his literary abortion known as The Alphabet of Manliness. Perhaps it was whenever his fanboys started writing knockoffs so bad they almost made The Alphabet of Manliness seem palatable by comparison. Or maybe it was when he wrote this. Or maybe it was whenever he diluted the title of “Real Man” by applying it to his own pale, fat chauvinistic nerd ass.

All of the above reasons–plus a plethora of others I’ll get to in this review–are perfectly acceptable reasons to hate Maddox. Yes, hate. In the same way that Maddox “hates” old people, children, women, the Microsoft X-Box, the iPhone, and cheese pizza, I despise Maddox for being Maddox. To put it another way, I dislike the kind of guy who names his website “The Best Page In the Universe” and then uses it to mock people who somebody might actually give two shits about. Punctuating this L. Ron Hubbard-styled exercise in egotism is his brown-nosing fanbase which worships his work to the point of religious obsession. Could The Best Page in the Universe be the next Scientology, with Douglass DC-8-styled battlecruisers and intergalactic feminist aliens? Is that not the most terrifying possibility ever put onto the Internet? Let us not even entertain the thought of either and just move on.

Probably the easiest reason to hate Maddox is because he’s a terrible writer. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “HURR HURR, TALK ABOUT A HYPOCRITE. SHITTY WRITER MAKING FUN OF ANOTHER WRITER’S SHITTY WRITING. LOLS!” Whatever you say, Captain Dumbass. Regardless of my writing talents, my site is tiny and inconsequential. Nobody cares what I think about anything. The likelihood of anybody–let alone several hundred thousand fans–actually reading this post and caring about what it says are slim to nil. The reason Maddox’s shitty writing is so obnoxious is because he is actually a professional because of it. People actually give a shit about what Maddox thinks about something. Somehow, in spite of being a parody (one hopes) of every single stupid manly cliché ever made by anybody, ever, this man was able to get a book deal. And he got it based on–get this–his writing work on a fucking blog. Which puts him on the same publicity-hunting rung as Tila Tequila. Minus the tits and ass, of course.

Now, fair’s fair, some of Maddox’s later blog posts (were) actually decent. He criticized Bill O’Reilly–and was funny doing it! He coherently lampooned various crappy cars. He successfully made a tribute to some actual manly men without seeming like a chauvinistic douche about it–particularly the bits about Gregory Peck and Judge Mathis. Well, except for the part where he describes Peck driving with “a woman in the passenger seat, just like God intended”, but since this is Maddox we’re talking about, and he and chauvinism go together like shit and toilet water, I’ll let it slide. He even satirized Sesame Street’s decision to make a muppet with AIDS–and didn’t even make AIDS jokes while he was doing it, which puts him above many other bloggers and so-called “humorists” one could name.

Those were the good times for Maddox–a period of time stretching all the way from 2002 to, oh, around the end of 2003. So, about a year of half-decent humor and satire. But what if you look deeper, back to where he was starting, around, say, 1998? Boy, are you in for a surprise!

It’s not that I’m against a guy venting about those nasty high school jocks that stripped him naked and strung him up a flagpole or those girls that refused to touch his penis or whatever the hell people did to Maddox when he was a pasty-skinned nerdy loser, but Christ if it isn’t the most irritating thing whenever “entertainment” writers start putting it on their front page. As a warning: No, nobody wants to hear that you think girls are Nazis. As a side note: Nobody gives a shit. Seriously, cut it out.

In later years, “just to be a dick”, Maddox started timing his posts once every few months instead of once a week. Just about everything Maddox has made during this period–which, unfortunately, includes the present–is unfathomably terrible. Some argue he bottomed out around where he started ranting over crappy movies nobody cares about.  Others say it happened when he criticised states nobody cares about. Probably his worst-ever blog post was his bit on puns, where he lashes out both at people who make puns (who nobody cares about) and Dave Matthews Band (a band nobody cares about). Clearly, two things can be inferred from these posts:

  1. Nobody cares about the topics of the blog posts.
  2. Nobody cares about the blog posts themselves, either.

Nobody cares because all of this is stupid bullshit.

That’s enough of talking about Maddox’s blog (and yes, Maddox, your “webpage” is a blog), so let’s go on to his “professional career.” There are two principal parts to Maddox’s career as a professional writer: Namely, a comic book about beating up women and children which is so bad it probably makes Shredded Moose look like Penny Arcade in comparison; and The Alphabet of Manliness, which I’ve read and therefore can confirm is so bad it makes Shredded Moose look like Penny Arcade in comparison.

The Alphabet of Manliness is possibly the longest, most knuckle-draggingly stupid treatise on everything that is wrong with men that has ever been published. Its twenty six chapters are arranged alphabetically, as follows:

  1. A is for Ass-Kicking
  2. B is for Boners
  3. C is for Copping a Feel
  4. D is for Taking a Dump (Seriously, does Maddox know how to spell? Since when does T equal a D… You know what? Nevermind)
  5. E is for Enlightenment
  6. F is for Female Wrestling

Seriously, good God.

In case you’re wondering, yes, it gets worse from there. There’s the chapter on “Knockers”, another chapter on “Chuck Norris”, another in which he teaches his fans how to obedience train their women, under “O”, and the obligatory pieces on urinal etiquette and violence. This book–which runs 204 pages long–includes such memorable passages as

(under Copping a Feel)

Figure 2: A droopy, pudgy, lumpy mess of an ass. Notice the pockmarks (1), awkwardly shaped slabs of meat jettisoning out from the sides of the waist (2), the clenched uninviting crack (3) and the burgeoning folds of cellulite (4). Just nasty.

Figure 3: A thick ass looks like a happy smile. You can see that this ass is healthy and bursting with flavor.

A fat ass is a sad ass. You don’t want anything to do with a fat ass, other than to loathe it. A thick ass, on the other hand, is plump and beautiful; it should make you feel hungry like when you see a glazed ham that you can’t afford in a Christmas catalogue. (Alphabet of Manliness, page 23)

And no, I’m not including the nasty pictures.

(under Chuck Norris)

I walked up the staircase for what seemed like days, and when I finally reached the top, I saw Chuck Norris sitting on his throne. I dared not look him in his eyes because one time this guy looked him in his eyes and Chuck Norris spontaneously combusted him. No one is allowed to speak with Chuck; the only thing you are allowed to do in his presence is bow, kiss his ring, bow again, and leave. So I walked up to his throne and saw that he was wearing a ring made out of solid diamonds with a unicorn on it that had an erection [Figure 3; the caption reads “I’d have a boner too if I were on Chuck Norris’ ring.” Boy, do I feel sorry for the talented artists who had to draw the picture of a ring embossed with a bucking unicorn and what appears to be a two-foot erection. But, oh, wait, these artists asked to be a part of the project. Nevermind then, into the pit with you all. THIS IS SPARTAAAAA]

I kissed his ring, and then I wanted to thank him, so I said, “Sir, permission to thank you for the privilege of allowing me to kiss your ring.” If Chuck Norris doesn’t immediately kill you, that means he has granted you permission. I thanked him, bowed and left. It was the happiest day of my life. (The Alphabet of Manliness, page 117)

Why the hell did Maddox even decide to include this? Seriously, he’d get a boner from being on Chuck Norris’ ring? He’s willing to kiss an engraving of a unicorn with an erection? He thinks Chuck Norris wears a ring with an engraving of a unicorn with an erection? Is he some kind of gay zoophile or something? Oh wait, it’s a joke, and he says “I’m currently not single” on his FAQ page on his blog anyway. Okay. Male or female partner, Maddox? I seriously can’t tell anymore.

Oh yes, and then there was the chapter on “Metal”, which I will use as an excuse to put this music video here. Hey, screw you if you don’t like it, I do this for every post.

(Iron Maiden, “Number of the Beast”; posted by Nitro285, assuming he doesn’t force me to take it down because he’s a Maddox fan)

The most obnoxious thing about Maddox’s fanbase is how they use the term “satire” to defend his articles. Whenever Maddox’s fans are called upon by somebody with some modicum of decency to argue why it’s all right that Maddox writes multi-page essays on beating women or abusing children, and they refer to his work as “satire”, they are arguing that his arguments are just joking around. To put it another way, they’re saying it’s OK to talk about beating women as long as you’re just joking. Or, I guess, that it’s OK as long as you’re just mocking women, somehow.

If you’re going to write “playful” satirical essays on beating the shit out of a woman (LOL, playful?), don’t make an early statement about how feminists are Nazis and whining about how girls don’t like you and all women are sluts. Seriously, just no. And, as a corollary, don’t feed me shit about how your article on child abuse is a joke whenever you write early about how children are worthless without so much as cracking a smile.

I don’t know how else to explain to you why this (by which I mean Maddox’s anti-feminism shit) is not satire. I guess I can try the simplest reasoning I can think of: The reason it’s not satire is because the person who wrote it seriously believed what he was writing. Let me put it this way: Satire means that a person is making fun of somebody else, mocking them to make a point about their arrogance or stupidity. It’s not like Maddox is making fun of chauvinist pricks when he says feminists are Nazis. It’s not like he was just pretending to have a grudge against women when he wrote early on “To all those guys out there looking for a good woman… STOP LOOKING.” No, it’s quite clear this pathetic bullshit is not a joke. Maddox is making his opinions heard with the striking of a hammer, pounding them into your skull, with all the humor and intelligence of Ann Coulter or Rush Limbaugh. Which means that unless Maddox had an unusually enlightening conversation with the Tolerance Fairy and everything after that, including the obedience-training women chapter of the Alphabet of Manliness, is just Maddox making a commentary on how incredibly stupid and barbaric the American male is, he’s just being a chauvinist pig.

(Update Nov. 30, 2008:) I have heard increasingly angry commentary about this point, from many, many people who still argue that Maddox can be defended by simply saying he’s a satirist. To these people, Maddox is not just a “humorist” or a “humorous writer” or even a “shock writer”, they insist on the pretensions involved in calling a writer a satirist. Many have used the term “fratire” to describe Maddox’s style of writing. Which I suppose is honest, since “fratire” basically means “frat-boy satire” and Maddox is basically a frat boy without a fraternity. I will argue simply this: Satire is the art of ridicule. More specifically, it implies a folly or vice upon which scorn must be heaped. I wrote this article thinking that no sane human being, not even Maddox, could ever seriously believe that the women’s civil rights movement was a folly, and therefore I believed his fans merely to be wrong, not defending hatred and segregation of the sexes. I also felt that it was clear that Maddox could not be heaping scorn on anti-feminists and chauvinists, since Maddox has made it quite clear that he is against feminism in general. I suppose if Maddox regards the continued women’s rights movements as a “vice” or a “folly” seriously believes his commentary in Salon magazine that women’s subjugation in American society amounts to “not being able to vote”, and believes that womens’ rights are indeed much less important than rights for blacks or any other oppressed group, then I will relent and admit with shame and revulsion that Maddox’s work does indeed count as satire. The absolute most repulsive satire I have ever seen.

This post is at least five pages long and I still haven’t even begun to list all the reasons that Maddox is possibly the worst popular writer in the history of the Internet: The long list of obnoxious meme-like “manly” traits like his obsession with beef jerky and hot sauce; the inability to list a “like” that does not include lesbians, violence or antisocial behavior (because apparently his target audience is–you guessed it–35-year-old sexually insecure basement dwellers or thirteen-year-boys); suggesting that people kill themselves and then attacking anybody who says differently; and much, much more. Ha ha ha, Maddox, that suicide piece is hilarious. And your rebuttal to your detractors is just icing on the cake of brilliance.

In the end, you could almost forgive Maddox for being so awful if he were just venting. But when the guy’s so fuckin’ insecure of his self-worth he literally mentions in his bottom-of-the-page stat counter that he won’t be eligible for the Presidency until 2016 (“Vote for me then, guys, I’ll take away female suffrage and legalize rape”), says that his fans would make him President if they could, and you know they would just like he says, it becomes unforgivable. It’s like looking at Hitler before he became Chancellor of Germany, and yes I invoked Godwin’s Law. Because you know that’s how Hitler became Chancellor of Germany. Because you just know that it was sycophantic morons like this guy that contributed to Hitler’s ability to enslave all of Western Europe. Thank God Maddox’s legions of fans will never leave their computers, because otherwise I’d be terrified of their collective strength. Head for the hills! Maddox’s fans are coming! They’re going to go after the women and children like 4chan’s Scientology raid, only a billion times stronger and infinitely more stupid.

Just to finish this off: One of Maddox’s posts is entitled “Wireless Internet may well destroy our chances of contacting intelligent life.” In it, he describes how one of his fans is a complete retard and goes off on the rest of his fans using her as an example. The apparent gist of it all is that these people are making aliens think we’re all a bunch of semi-intelligent Neanderthals that aren’t worth contacting. Just so you know Maddox, it’s not your fans. Oh no. They’re the least of our problems. Our bigger problem is with the half-cocked, insecure dumbshit leading them into new levels of stupidity by driving asshatted unfunny chauvinistic crap into their thick skulls, calling it “humor” on the way down the Golden Road To Retard Center. Seriously, Maddox, go fuck yourself, or get your man-crush Chuck Norris to do it for you. You’re such a pathetic excuse for a “manly man” it would be a miracle if he even let you suck his cock. And even though I said I’d let it slide, seriously Maddox, if you think “a woman in the passenger seat, just like God intended” is the pinnacle of masculinity, you’d might as well trade in your penis and get a vagina. It wouldn’t be missed, trust me.

UPDATE (July 31, 2008): I have found images which, in my opinion, prove that Maddox is a homosexual and likes the cock. These images were found here and were uploaded to MaddoxMania’s “Hidden Maddox” archive.

Building A Moon-Building In the Anus of New Mexico: A Day in the Life of the Bat People

There’s just too much to do today.

I know that, wherever you are right now, you’re probably disagreeing with me. After all, you’re thinking, it’s Spring Break, and that means that you’re slacking your ass off like all of the other buffoons who don’t own massive LEGO cities like I do. You’re all wrong. There’s so much to do, what with building factories that don’t manufacture anything, houses that don’t house anybody, and City Halls that don’t govern anything, that I’ve been having trouble doing the modicum of homework my teachers gave to me so I wouldn’t forget about any of them, ever, throughout my entire Spring Break. In fact, I just got started on it yesterday. Those who say that procrastination is bad have obviously not seen my Cave House.

Cave House

Oh, yes. Cave houses are all the rage, especially in Afghanistan, and I felt that my Architecture class was desperately in need of one of these “houses of the cave”, so to speak. Not that it’s made of cave or anything, it’s just built in the mouth of Carlsbad Caverns:

Map of New Mexico

Basically, Carlsbad Caverns, a.k.a. “The Vagina Anus of New Mexico”, is cold and uninhabitable, which is similar to Hillary Clinton. Also like Hillary Clinton, Carlsbad Caverns is beloved by women. Unlike Hillary Clinton, however, men also like Carlsbad Caverns, not because it is sexually attractive, but because it is like a challenge, in which one false step could lead to your slipping off of the guardrailed path and being impaled on a stalagmite. Especially if you’re a midget.

Anyway, I designed my building either to be built at the mouth of the cave or inside the cave. I’m still debating which, because it would change the story. I can either make it so that a young boy decides to enter into the cave and winds up getting lost because of the “impenetrable darkness of the cavaginaanus, which will surely kill all those who attempt to penetrate.”  In this case, the young boy would find the cave not unlike Michael Jackson: terrifying,  similar to a forty-year-old woman in both looks and smell, and creepily quiet. When morning would come, light would come into the cave, and, like Michael Jackson’s latest plastic surgery, would make everything lighter and even creepier, because then he could see all the stalactites and stalagmites and it would appear that everything was about to fall right off of Jackson’s face.

This scenario sounds really cool in practice. It’s certainly cooler than my other idea, which is to inhabitate the cave with bat-people who can fly and eat mosquitos. In this scenario, nuclear war has killed or mutated the human race, and those left behind must live in caves to thwart the evil atomic fuminess. My building would be their home and worship place. They would worship the sun, which they would call “Swastika”, in respect of the Jews.

I am still waiting for my Friend-Who-Is-A-Girl to call me, because she is apparently sick and can’t talk or else she just hates me. In the meantime, I’d like to show you to our next place of the lulz:

Damn You Peter Gabriel

No, seriously, it’s more furry shit:

Moar Furry Shit

Recently, Luigiian Aerospace Command detected an increase in the level of furry hatred in several sectors, specifically, StumbleUpon [here], FurAffinity [here], and the website of noted incestual conservative Jay Naylor’s Better Days [here]. (Use StumbleUpon’s “Reviews of this Page” feature to see fur hate.) Furry hatred levels at David Hopkins’ Jack [here] remain high for March 2008. LAC detected an increase in the level of scientology hatred here and here, but declined to begin retaliatory measures because, frankly, scientology scares the shit out of Luigiian Aerospace Command.

Let it be known from here on out that this site neither applauds nor condemns the actions of those who either hate or love the fur. However, this site does like the lulz, and there is nothing funnier than indulging in an Internet flame war with retards. There are lots of places you can go to start massive trolling wars throughout the Internet for great justice. They are as follows:

  1. Encyclopedia Dramatica (the place for Internet drama): http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com 
  2. Fur Affinity (the place for furries): http://www.furaffinity.net
  3. Something Awful (the place for aspie furry haters): http://www.somethingawful.com

I can see the light and the heat, and I definitely want to touch the light I see in your eyes, but not like Michael Jackson. So troll the fuck out of everybody on these sites, but only if you’re old enough to know what I’m talking about, and only if you’re serious about this. Otherwise, you’ll just look like a dumb pussy, and The Luigiian disowns all those who try to follow the lulzy way and fail. I will not take the fall for your screwups.

In the meantime, you know what to do. The resolution to a thousand endless searches, the doorway to a thousand churches, is in your eyes. Peter Gabriel sends you on this quest.

May the lulz be with you. And watch out for Michael Jackson.

An Open Letter To Richard “Lowtax” Kyanka

(Note: In case you need to know who Lowtax is, a link can be found here. Something Awful is a website known for its forums, as well as features like a daily humor article on the front page written by one of its many authors, and several other things, including “Photoshop Phriday” , in which forum members Photoshop pictures in a humorous way on a predetermined theme. Lowtax is the owner of the site, as well as one of its top commentators; his site charges money for forum accounts, reviews horrible webpages as its “Awful Links of the Day”, reviews bad pornography in its “Horrors of Porn”, and has parodies of websites such as their pretend AOL hacker Jeff K. It’s a huge webpage, with thousands of members and hundreds of forum threads.)

Dear Lowtax,

Or, actually, is it all right if I call you Richard? Richard, I am impressed by the beauty that you have bestowed upon your site since your last updates. It is, indeed, quite corporate, certainly befitting a man of your high taste and esteem. And, of course, bank account, considering the fact that your site recently hit over 100,000 forum members, leading to a hefty $1 million dollars you’ve gotten by selling people forum accounts on your site. I should certainly say that it is an incredible achievement, considering that you started out with little more than the clothes on your back and several derogatory postings of your co-workers back in 1999.

Clearly, the first signs of a (dis)stressed mind. But, Richard, I’m worried for you, because, well, your life may be at risk! I am not, of course, pointing to Maddox coming after you with a machete or anything, by the way. I’m saying that you’re in danger of stressing yourself to death! You write angrily so much on your site, stressing your mind by viewing harmful pornography and conspiracy theories for your “Awful Link of the Day.” You’ve given away writing credit to writers like Josh “Livestock” Boruff and “Dr.” David Thorpe. And, of course, coming up with all those clever nicknames must be quite stressful!

In this letter, Richard, I would like you to consider several “cures for what ails ‘ya”. You know, ways to relieve your stress. Because, in the end, there are few people who have been through the kind of torment you have, and I believe that you deserve some much-needed rest time. Consider my following advice:

1. Stop talking about the damned furries already. Now, I’m sure that you’ve heard this one before (by furries and non-furries), but I think it deserves another mention. Lowtax, I’m sure that you understand that (most) people don’t like to look at the same stale, boring links to pictures of foxes and wolves drawn to look like humans having sex and such over and over again, even though you keep posting the links (like a recent one, to some pedophile pervert, which was of course entitled “Chica’s Transformation and Furry Page”). I’m also sure that you’ve been under a lot of stress watching these people strut their stuff in their little animal outfits–after all, we all have. However, I think you’ve gone out of control in terms of anger management. Nowadays, on your site, you ban anybody who admits to being a furry automatically. In fact, you only do that to furries and Scientologists, and as one forum member said:

animal_worship_cult1.png

(Click for the full post; it would be unfair to single out a single quote without giving you the chance to see its context. It’s about a furry musical out of England.)

Clearly, you are right about furries not being “the new gay”, even if you solidify their argument that they are by calling them “furfags”; in fact, they are their own religion, with clear principles and morals and rites of passage, in your forum members’ minds.

But, in fact, Richard, furries are not a religion, and only 19% are gay, if that happens to be what’s bothering you. What furries are, according to its principal information site, WikiFur.com, is:

read_this_dipshit.png

See? I even went to the site myself, so you wouldn’t have to risk your mind looking at its horrors! In fact, I’ll even stop calling furries furries, because I’m sure you hate even their very name. But, yeah, so really, they don’t constitute an animal-worship cult, regardless. In fact, it’s really just people that look at animal cartoons or like animal-human creatures after age twelve. Now, of course, some of them have sex while wearing animal costumes, but then again, when you get many, many people together in one place, you will be certain to see some unusual behavior. In fact, check your members! You may have these people in your ranks!

title-lowtax-15.gif

Not that I mean to scare you. I mean, really, Lowtax, I’m sure you must have a very good reason to hate an entire subgroup of people. I mean, perhaps, we can learn something from your avatar:

Now, I’m sure that this is supposed to represent you back whenever you were one of the fursuited kind, dancing the dance of the truly carefree. But then, something horrible happened. I’m sure one of those people, you know, the ones we stopped mentioning, said something mean to you, like, oh, I don’t know, that a fat pig suited you, or that your little “fursona” should be a cat because you’re a little pussy. And of course, suddenly, your emotions were perverted, and you felt the need to lash out at everybody by laughing at horrible things and such. Which leads me to my next part:

2. Nazis aren’t funny. Y’know, people who kill millions of other people simply because they are homosexuals, Jews, Communists, or any other one of a number of groups aren’t usually funny. Oh sure, Hitler’s mustache was very funny (after all, he took the look from his favorite comedian, Charlie Chaplin), and I would laugh my ass off to see, say, Hitler or Hermann Goering tied to the side of a rocket and fired into the sun. But, I don’t know, I don’t like being called a Nazi just because I decide to go onto the Internet.

sick_boy_1.jpgNow, of course, I’m sure that labeling your forum members and those who look at your site as Hitlers is your idea of fun, but not mine. You know, we beat Hitler and the Nazis, nuked the Japanese, and beat Mussolini, too, using hundreds of thousands of young mens’ lives, so you can say that everybody on the Internet is Hitler. It just seems ridiculous (and immoral) to me that you would do that. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just that you and your writers seem to have such an obsession with Hitler and the Nazis and you seem to like writing about them that bothers me the most. Like, you know, My Tank Is Fight, that book one of your writers came up with about World War II. Or the fact that you label forum posts as either “gold” or… “gassed”, as in “sent to the gas chambers”.

Oh yes, and this quote, from one of your articles:

“Greetings Something Awful readers! Today I, Rich ‘Lowtax’ Kyanka, will continue with Zack ‘Head Exciter’ Parsons’ hourly articles detailing his mental masturbation over every single vehicle ever potentially touched by a Nazi! In this update I will cover the Straussenhagan GBS402 Heavy Pants-Shitting Laser Beam, the Fritzstchtrubluben Mobile Infantry Baby Carriage, and the highly wacky Heinfaustunguntutzifanzenwurst Lumber Mill which gave the Nazis the ability to upgrade the damage of their spears and thrown weapons. Ha ha, I am of course kidding, Zack ‘WWII Obsessor’ Parsons would undoubtedly tear my throat out, pay to give me a throat transplant, and then force feed me my own throat if I attempted to encroach on his precious World War II monopoly.”

Wow. That last line was very, how should I put this, clever, Lowtax.

And then, of course, you feel the need to combine your site’s won’t-shut-up-about-furries attitude with your love-borderline-fellatio of Nazis to create this gem, written about an Awful Link of the Day:

“Now I don’t want to sound like Hitler here, but I strongly advise the US Government to round up all furries, herd them into concentration camps, and then gas the living hell out of them. The only thing that will allow me to sleep soundly tonight is knowing the fact that these freakish fucktards will never, ever, ever have the chance to breed.”

Yeah, talk about real Internet humor! Because mass murder is funny, as long as it’s against some random group that does something stupid and/or gross! Good job Kyanka!

Over and over again, you and your writers and forum members prattle on endlessly about concentration camps, death squads, Nazi weaponry and tanks, Jews, “things Jewish people can’t eat”, and, of course, Hitler himself, trivializing the Holocaust and the unbelievable burdens the United States had to go under to end Nazism. It’s a crutch you can’t get off of because you can’t bring yourself to write about anything else (excepting Livestock’s obsession with fur traders, for what reason Christ alone knows); but don’t worry…

3. You needn’t worry about being outshined by your other writers. Why? Because none of you is capable of writing all that well! In fact, your Front Page work is perhaps the worst of any major website on the entire Internet! Isn’t that wonderful?! Doesn’t it fill your heart with pride that you’re known for getting beaten up by Uwe Boll and pasting your asinine logo on other peoples’ Photoshop work rather than real writing style and creativity like your doppelganger, Maddox, is? Or the fact that almost all of the updates to your site consist of horrible formulaic crap about nonsense subjects like ice-cream vendors molesting children and watching retarded people having sex? How about the fact that I like some of your own site writers better than you, and millions of people know you as a limp-dicked, greedy, pussy-ass money-grubbing slimebag? I’m sure that you look on all of that with great pride in yourself. No, Lowtax, it must be great to know that you and your site introduced the world to such wonderful things as “All Your Base Are Belong To Us” and cripple porn, and that your forum members had to hack into TV Guide just to get you a mention in the magazine.

And I’m sure that the best part (for you) is this: You didn’t make your site great. You didn’t write your forums. You didn’t get your site traffic, nor did you make those Photoshop Phriday posts. None of it was your work. You’ve gotten where you are because of the millions who love you and drool over the possibility of paying ten dollars so you can ban them for hurting your feelings. The thousands of dollars you’ve made aren’t because of your work; they’re from others. And every day you take advantage of them, banning them for being part of certain groups or for writing things you don’t like, or for no reason at all. You’re sick.

And you make me sick.

I apologize if I’ve hurt your feelings, because I would certainly never want to lose the forum account I have in my head on your site, but, really, there’s nothing better than writing out your frustrations. In fact, I encourage you to do the same; hell, make me an Awful Link of the Day for all I care, let’s see what your forum members think about my little rant. In fact, I’ll even give you some facts about myself:

  • I think that some of what the furries do actually shows a lot of beauty and talent, and that not all of it is sick jerkoff fodder, regardless of what you think.
  • I don’t like the Nazis, but I’m Christian, not Jewish, not homosexual, and certainly not Communist.
  • I like your forums, and I like Photoshop Phriday on your site, even if 98% of it is other peoples’ work.
  • I work with Legos, and currently own a massive Lego city.
  • My dog is a Welsh Corgi named Sissy.

See what kind of great humor you can make out of that, Lowtax! I look forward to seeing your next inspired post.

Respectfully yours,

The Luigiian.

Update (August 20): Apparently, the Something Awful Sycophant Squad has found my page. As a brief version of my basic points (as I see them):

  1. Talking about furries is stupid, having any number of links to furry porn websites is too much, comparing furries to an animal worship cult (like at least one forum member I’ve seen did) is stupid.
  2. People who are going to piss and moan about furries should not use anthropomorphic pigs as avatars.
  3. Having giant pretend ads that say things like “The Internet: Where Everyone Is Hitler” is not funny, and trivializes World War II.
  4. Saying you want furries put in concentration camps and gassed trivializes the Holocaust because furries are a dipshit fan group, not a religion or ethnicity that was persecuted for traits its members were born with.
  5. No, My Tank Is Fight is not funny.
  6. You suck at writing.


Tell me what you think! email me:Luigirepublic@aol.com