Attention: The Boltzmann Brains Need Your Help! Send Donations Today

Genesis, “Land of Confusion”, 1986, posted to Youtube by Astralroundabout

The Internet does a lot of things to a lot of people. For example, furries. Now, in a normal environment, a person–let’s call this hypothetical person “Tom Fischbach”–who loves his cat–we’ll call her “Flora”–so much that he draws an entire comic about her–we’ll call this hypothetical comic “TwoKinds”–would instantaneously be considered a complete wackjob such as has not been found this side of planet Pluto. But on the Internet, this type of person thrives, to the point that other people–we’ll name our hypothetical person “SpikeRulesHell, Templar GrandMaster of the TwoKinds Forums”–feel it necessary to discuss on his forums about their having performed oral sex on their cats. Now, we could argue that I, The Luigiian, having drawn entire comic strips about my dog, Sissy, would be on the same level as people like these. This could be argued–I would disagree, primarily because Sissy is a dog, not a cat–but regardless of what you think of these types of people, they simply cannot be put on the same level as those disgusting psychopaths who call the website Something Awful home. These Something Awful forum members are so deeply mentally distressed that they forced me, at 12:28 in the morning, in my underwear no less, to write about the Boltzmann brains hypothesis today.

Apparently, one Ludwig Boltzmann was a hippie from the nineteenth century who insisted that there were nonexistent brains floating around in space.

A little bit of background is necessary, and this background I shall steal from Wikipedia without asking. You see, in the universe there is a force called “Entropy”, also known as “The Refrigerator Contents Force.” The way it works is, that energy, like the contents of your refrigerator, is gradually becoming more and more disorganized, so that even as you have the same amount of stuff as you had in your refrigerator several months ago, you can’t use any of it, because it is behind the milk carton, which I might add is several months past its sell by date, so you can’t use that either.

However, there is another force acting in your refrigerator–let us call this force “disgusting cockroaches”. Now, these disgusting cockroaches are little dirty bastards, and therefore are an excellent way to describe hoomans. But clearly they are examples of this disorganization in your refrigerator being reversed, right? Or at least they’re proof that there is some kind of organization going on here. I mean, they’re organized enough to completely consume every bit of food inside of your refrigerator, for God’s sake, including the fruitcake your Aunt Edna made for Christmas, which is organization on a level even the Mafia couldn’t undertake, or else you would have already given the damn cake to them for fuck’s sake. And they’re definitely self-conscious enough to not think for a moment about you, the poor schmo who bought all this food for himself and is currently feasting on the dog food he bought for his dog because he loved her enough to make entire comics about her. Clearly, these organized cockroaches couldn’t have existed without the organization of your refrigerator, but your refrigerator is pretty disorganized, right? I mean, it just keeps on becoming more and more disorganized. It seems like it should already just be a giant festering disorganized mold by now. So if your refrigerator is still pretty organized but things just keep on becoming more disorganized, well, dammit, you’ve had your refrigerator for it seems like about a billion years and the cockroaches have been there at least half as long, so why in the hell does your refrigerator seem so organized whenever it keeps on becoming more disorganized?

And then you think: Holy shit! And you turn around to find your entire house a mess. The apparent organization of your refrigerator was an island of organization compared to the rest of your house, which is crazy. And then you think: But wait a damn minute here! My closet is still organized, too! Just like my refrigerator! And in your closet you find: Ghostly nonexistent organized cockroaches floating around.

It turns out that your refrigerator was organized because of random fluctuations in space-time that make it more organized than the rest of your house, which is not organized. And the roaches that live inside your refrigerator think that everywhere is just as organized as your fridge, but that’s only because the organization of your fridge–you know, organized in that everything in there is food, except possibly the fruitcake–keeps them alive. And the ghost-roaches in your closet exist without real bodies because there was only enough organization to make them think that they were alive, when in reality they do not exist, because there’s not enough organization to make them exist.

That is the Boltzmann Brains theory in a nutshell, if I read the Wikipedia article correctly. Basically, according to this gonzo “philosopher”, the reason that entropy is increasing in our universe but seems so low to us is because we were created out of an island of non-entropy. And so everything to us seems all peachy-keen like, because we get to live in Not-So-Much-Entropy Land, while there are starving children on Planet Zargon-5 who have to live with lots of entropy, and thus don’t get to take a trip on Einstein’s Super Relativity Brain-Busting Science Ride like we do.

And that’s only the half of it, according to Boltzmann anyway. Not only do some people have to deal with more entropy than us–I’m looking at you, Janet Reno–but there are some places in the universe where sentient beings don’t even get to have bodies. There’s so much entropy around them and so little energy to live off of that they’re just brains floating about in space, having pretend lives and believing that they’re living just like we are, on a nice little Earthen flat relatively devoid of entropy, excepting that they’re really just brains floating about in space. Excepting that we could be these brains floating about in space, because we’d never know, because we’d still think that we were living in states of relative non-entropy.

And how does this guy explain the whole ridiculous idea? Random fucking fluctuations! Let me remind you that that might be how Hitler was created. He says the whole entire universe is the product of a random fluctuation, and that our world is the product of a smaller random fluctuation, and that the only reason we perceive our little lovey-dovey happy happy universe as having less entropy is because it’s not normal, and the only reason we see it that way is because that state of existence–one without so much of The Refrigerator Contents Force–is the only reason we exist. And if it weren’t for that, we would be made by the little tiny fluctuations that make the peasant bodyless Boltzmann Brain People, living on the streets, on whatever little scraps of random entropy fluctuations happened to pass by.

And that, random Google stumbler, would suck.

Usually, I’m not a very charitable guy. I mean, I give money to the Defenders of Wildlife, but that’s only because they give me wolf shirts in return. So this is unusual for me, but I say it’s time to devise a charity. We’ll call it the “Give energy to the Boltzmann Brains” fund. The way it works is, you give, say, twenty-three milliwatts of your energy to our fund, and we’ll use special space-age technology from the (not Boltzmann) brains at General Electric and NASA to send your energy to a Boltzmann Brain in need. With your contribution, within a month a needy Boltzmann Brain could have the energy necessary to be rescued from the clutches of chaos. Within a year, he (or she) might have the ability to develop a real working cellular body structure. And within forty years, that Boltzmann Brain might finally be able to have the ultimate realization of sentient consciousness: the prostate examination.

Send your donations to: “World Boltzmann Brains Federation”, c/o The Luigiian, West Earwig, Wisconsin, 90210. Remember: the Boltzmann Brains need your help.

Not to mention Tom Fischbach. Especially if you’re a psychiatrist.

TwoKinds of People, One Kind Of Webcomic… “Unique”

Webcomic: TwoKinds (http://www.2kinds.com)

I’ve seen a lot of webcomics in my time writing for this site. Reading through the archives of Lackadaisy Cats, Penny Arcade, Megatokyo, VGCats, and the like has given me a pretty good inkling of when the comic-like photons entering my eyeballs are good, and when they are really, really bad, and when they’re somewhere in between. Even with this healthy webcomic knowledge, an appreciation for the artistic creativity which is melded into each and every webcomic that permeates our vast, teeming Internets, there are still webcomics so… “unique” and “avant-garde” and “extra-special” that, in many cases, it is impossible to define, or even attempt to explain, the creator’s impulses.

TwoKinds is one of these webcomics. Now, this particular piece is made by an Asian man named Tom Fischbach, and, to commemorate his Asianness, his webcomic is all animu, all the time. For example, he has really child-looking twenty-four year old guys with no facial hair whatsoever, catgirls, wolf-girls, some human girls, and naturally the occasional awkward male nude scene for comic relief. (Also, to get a better idea of what Fischbach was thinking of when he drew that last nude panel, see here.) This is classic animu, and it fills me with pride to see an Asian man who lives in the United States use an Asian medium simply because he’s Asian, and Asian things are intrinsically cool. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside that makes me vibrate uncontrollably as I clench my fists and scream at my computer screen. Can you feel that feeling? Yes, it’s that same exact feeling you get when you see some random white dude wearing an Inuyasha T-shirt and eating pocky in your Computer Science class.

Impressively for a webcomic of this caliber, Fischbach’s catgirls and wolf-girls are not your average, run of the mill wolf-girls and catgirls. In fact, they are actual cats and wolves, making this animu especially unique. For example, you have Natani, who is actually a wolf that looks like a girl, and Flora, who is actually a tiger that looks like a girl, kind of. In fact, they even have animal-like ages; the animal-girls in this webcomic really only live into their twenties, just like real tigers and wolves. This makes the alluded-to sex scenes between the animal-girl and random animu white dude Trace Legacy especially unique and avant-garde, in the same exact way that Mr. Hands was unique and avant-garde. People who say having sex with animals is wrong just need to grow the fuck up.

But I digress. Whenever this comic isn’t smashing down barriers for anthropomorphic animal sex, it’s bringing to the fore real-life (and highly intelligent!) themes of racial tolerance. As Fischbach puts it, “I was inspired to write Twokinds after having experienced a lot of racial discrimination from kids at my school, who were predominently white.” As examples of the unique ways Fischbach’s comic tackles racism, all of its human characters are white, while its Keidran animal people are slaves regarded as “savages” and its Basitin weird-thing people are all fastidious creatures who are willing to make huge sacrifices for their nation and their superiors. As Fischbach puts it in his “About TwoKinds” section,

Basitins are a little-known race of bipedal, long-eared, brown-furred, sentient animals. Unlike the other two races, the Basitins live off the mainland on a distant island-continent. Due to their isolation, they are often forgotten by the other two races and left to their own devices. They are a warrior race, with a society solely consisting of solders. They behave in a hive-like manner, following orders of superiors without question. They are usually even-tempered and disciplined.

In fact, I’d go so far as to say that the Basitin probably eat raw fish and rice and pronounce things with “r” sounds as “l’s” and vice-versa and would probably even make highly reliable small cars and suicide-bomb the humans’ naval warships with their highly-powerful aircraft if any of these things existed. And the Keidran probably like watermelons and fried chicken, according to Fischbach anyway. This is the kind of subtle racial message being sent by TwoKinds. To add to this message, all of the Keidrans are moved about in slave-ships and have their villages destroyed by the “baka gaijin roundeye” humans.

Being the racially-sensitive, open-minded guy Fischbach is, he knows that black people who were slaves eventually grew to love their masters. This is why all the Keidran slaves he has in his comic love their masters, too.

“Her parents were killed and she was sold into slavery. Flora was lucky enough to be purchased by a friendly human family, who treated her more like a daughter then a slave. Thus, Flora recalls her days of slavery with an unusual fondness.” (Source: Characters page at 2kinds.com)

“Kathrin was selectively bred from several generations of Keidran slaves in order to be more physically appealing to humans. Ironically, despite being designed to be a sex slave, Kathrin is incredibly naive when it comes to sex. Eric gives her much more freedom than his other slaves, but she genuinely enjoys serving him.” (Source: Characters page at 2kinds.com)

Clearly, Tom Fischbach knows a lot about slavery.

Of course, webcomics are supposed to be fun, and Fischbach makes certain that, if you love gender-changing, tranforming, anthropomorphic animals, you’ll love TwoKinds. Two of his main characters are transsexuals. Most of the animal characters are female, and they’re almost always naked (and they love being naked, and they talk about how absolutely naked they are, all the time!) How truly wonderful it is for Fischbach’s animals to be naked and free, and to have the ability to talk to, and have sex with, humans.

You can tell Fischbach and his fans are happy about this too. Because, after you’re finished with reading TwoKinds, you can get a DeviantArt account and check out his absolutely stunning characters in erotic poses! I’ve listed just a few below:

http://twokinds.deviantart.com/art/Nekked-Euchre-wolf-style-32387478

http://twokinds.deviantart.com/art/Hey-what-are-you-looking-at-25553533

http://twokinds.deviantart.com/art/Getting-into-Flora-s-pants-47947055

http://twokinds.deviantart.com/art/What-Are-You-Looking-At-64139608

http://twokinds.deviantart.com/art/Snake-Lady-46189197

Clearly, Fischbach knows sex. And so does his cat, whose name is, I’m guessing, Flora. And, as you might expect, he has a huge fanbase that just loves his deviant art and furry comic. The critics rave!

“graphically stunning! story seems a tad slow but that might come from reading 1 page a week tops.” –robinmdh

“YIFF IN HELL FURFAGS” –xsutures

“That was quite possibly the most moronic thing anyone has ever said XSutures. Anyway, it’s a great comic, I really recommend you read it.” –darwin2k

“Please disregard LuigiM’s comment, as it’s obvious that he hasn’t actually read the comic.” –Annath32

“I thought there was only one sex scene. . . and it only lasted 1 or 2 panels. You can not compare Two Kinds to porn, that is simply ridiculous. By the way, just because it has furries in it does not make it horrible, to be honest, I f**king hate furries. Not the animated ones, but the human obsessed creeps who think it’s a life-style.” –Neoscryer

I have never seen a single furry comic with this much sex in it. This literally has more sex, more nudity, more sex scenes, more suggestive dialogue, and more transgender/transspecies/anthropomorphic bestiality porn than any other non-pornographic furry comic I have ever seen. It is a furry comic, it is a terrible animu comic, and it sucks.” –LuigiM

Just look at who likes it!TwoKinds Fans


So, as you can see, there’s no reason not to like TwoKinds. It’s the most avant-garde webcomic on the Internet! I’ve never seen a comic with plotline and writing and sexuality of this caliber with such wonderful art. So check out TwoKinds today!

Mr. Hands will be joining you, by the way.