Bad Webcomics Wiki Review Preview: Jack Chick Tracts

(Note: I realize most of the filler material on the Internet sucks ass, but most writers don’t have the luxury of owning material they’ve made from another site. In this case, I am the administrator of a John Solomon knockoff site known as the Bad Webcomics Wiki. I figured I could get people to review comics they find on the Internet. Very few people have volunteered so far.

Regardless, I enjoy writing for the site, and I think some of my work is fairly decent for a third-rate knockoff site. So I put it here. Give this article a chance.)

Original work is here.
(Jesus He Knows Me, by Genesis. Uploaded by jmg51282.

Jack Chick Tracts

Original review author: The Luigiian
Webcomic name: Chick.com
Author: Jack Chick
Start Date 1972 (or thereabouts)
End Date Ongoing
Genre religious propaganda
Circle of Webcomics Hell residence Fifth Circle
Things that are fucking terrible about this webcomic: The messages, the racist, offensive stereotypes, especially of atheists, Pagans, Jews, and Catholics.
Things that aren’t terrible but could use improvement: The art looks amateurish, but it generally fits the subject matter like a glove even when it’s not quite so clean and tidy.
Summary: I cannot handle watching this individual rape my religion. It brings me pain even to read these destructive pieces of fundamentalist propaganda.

Background

There are two types of religious people, the liberal and the fundamentalist. Jack Chick is of the latter. He actually started out as an enormous asshole in school that even Christians wouldn’t witness to. He was obnoxious, he cursed like a sailor, and he sinned in great measure. Today, he still does terrible things, only now he does them to his chosen faith, acting like an obnoxious asshole, cursing through his Tracts at every non-Christian group on Earth, and acting like such a pompous prick that even most Christians ignore him.

Oh yeah, and his comic is bad.

Story and Plot

This enormous tract series is made up of a series of pro-Christian propaganda that covers everything from homosexuality to evolution to Mormons to Catholocism and far beyond.

By far the absolute best Chick tract is This Was Your Life! It’s simple, to the point, hits all the right (meaning “not completely ridiculous”) points about morality, and it’s got acceptable, if not great, drawings and message. Hell, even the most fair-weather Christians can’t really argue with most of the points in this Tract. Go to church, love the Lord, give to the poor, don’t get comfy with all your material pleasures, a lot of people, even most atheists, are OK with these things.

Downfall

Unfortunately, This Was Your Life! was Chick’s high point: A singular needle in a haystack of overwrought tirades on homosexuality, Mormons, Muslims, Catholics, and the like.

It would have been great had Chick worked on writing about God’s love, maybe a few epics detailing the most important parts of Christianity. Instead, he threw out all that bullshit (apparently, love’s for fags) and focused on a few vague quotes from Bible books like Deuteronomy and Leviticus that are used to encourage treating women like shit and stoning those faggots in San Fagsisco (HELL FUCKIN’ YES AMIRITE?!) Really, as a Christian who sometimes tries to witness to my Pagan and atheist friends, thanks a fucking lot you obnoxious asshole for making my religion look like outright lunacy.

Art review

This art is acceptable for what it’s trying to do. If you take a tract involving a mature theme like, uh, homosexuality, it’s done in an art style that looks like it’s intended for adults. When he’s making one for the kiddies, it’s more cartoony.

There are plenty of downright bad bits to both of those cartoons. The words on the picket signs in the anti-gay Tract look terrible, and they’re way too darkened for the gray background. This one should have been done either inked or in color.

Of the panels, by far the worst is on the ninth page.

0273_09.gifEvery Chick tract error you’ll ever find, save one, is encapsulated in this single panel. We have a meaningless Biblical verse at the top (more on that in the Writing review), and of course the grayscale drawing with overly-dark text. But by far the worst part is the gays: This is propaganda at its absolute worst. Good Lord, the creepiness is overdone. I mean, the levels Chick goes to to make his villians appear gross and disturbing is completely unreal.

But of course, there’s even worse: the demonic-looking idol in the back, the overtones of pedophilia, and really, sure Sodom was bad, but this is ridiculously overwrought. I mean seriously, the caveman-looking guy with the hairy back in the next panel, come the fuck on. The theatrics are ridiculous.

And in case caveman-pedo weren’t enough, you can check out Chick’s Tracts for Blacks. Yes, he seriously draws cartoons intended specifically for those of the Negroid persuasion. These comics are unbelievably racist.

1108_05.gifIt’s interesting to note that the only difference between “whites-only” Tracts and Tracts for Blacks is that… there are black people in the latter Tracts, while there are white people in the former.

Writing review

You could almost forgive Chick for being a racist bigoted asshole if he were actually a decent writer. OK, I’m lyin’ through my fucking teeth, you really can’t forgive the fucker. Chick sucks at writing, seriously. Not one of his hundreds of tracts is even remotely persuasive, save for his first simple sendup of This Is Your Life. The science in the, er, science-oriented Tracts is mindbogglingly ignorant, testament to the fact that Chick either doesn’t know a single damn thing about evolution or deliberately distorts the facts to make them seem dumber than they really are. I’ll leave you to decide.

1041_09.gif1041_10.gif0055_14.gif0055_18.gif0055_19.gifHe shoehorns religion into the agenda of whatever Tract he’s making by adding Biblical phrases. Many of these phrases bear little relevance to what the illustrations … illustrate. In the gay image, it is said that “the men… of Sodom were sinners before the Lord exceedingly.” Notably absent are sins like, oh I don’t know, murder or gluttony or mistreatment of the poor. Why? Because the image is supposed to condemn homosexuality. But here’s the thing: The Bible’s account of Sodom doesn’t specifically mention homosexuals. Therefore, Jack’s gotta pick a passage that doesn’t mention the sin but just kind of vaguely supports his argument. And because the foundation of that argument (i.e. gays are sinful) is so shaky, he has to make his villianous gays and scientists and atheists look unattractive to compensate. This isn’t even subtle, it’s literally Propaganda 101 level stuff here. What’s astonishing is that he could easily have picked a bit from Romans or Leviticus and gotten a far stronger message. The message could still work, in terms of being logical and understandable. But he doesn’t. He chooses a much more vague passage. That right there is awful, lazy, hack writing.

Also: Most all of the citations I know of that he uses regarding science are from fundamentalist Christian sources.

Author biography

Over the course of his life, Chick became inspired to “preach the word of God” through listening to Christian radio broadcasts and the like. Interestingly, he got the idea of making his Tracts after having heard that the Communist Chinese were using the exact same method to indoctrinate Chinese peasants into accepting Communism.

Like most ultraconservative fundamentalists, Jack had his fun as a kid and now appears to want to make sure nobody else gets to have any of his unique experiences. Not to be an asshole, but it appears many such fundamentalist Christians, including most of those who have worked with Chick on his Tracts, were made the same way. Among those who helped Chick was Perri Roberts, who assisted Chick in his writing of Wounded Children, a tract so bad Chick himself recalled it. Perri Roberts was once what you’d call “flaming” gay. I mean, For Chrissake he was once a popular gay hairstylist in California. As they put it on his site’s “About Perri” page:

As a popular gay hairstylist in 1960s California, young Perri and his friends delighted in storming ladies’ boutiques to find the perfect dress for the next drag party, flamboyantly flaunting their homosexuality and beauty as they sent shock waves through store clerks and stunned passers-by.

Note that, even as a reformed homosexual, Perri still feels the need to remind us of how good he looked in drag. You crazy thing, you. *snaps fingers sassily*

Now that Perri has had his fun and has gotten to fuck countless hot guys in drag and otherwise, he’s dedicated his entire life to make sure other budding gays don’t get that chance:

his transformation was not without an agonizing odyssey into the dark world of same-sex love with all its pleasures—and the bitter fruit of partaking in them.

Now a single, abstinent minister of the Gospel, he has devoted his life to caring for God’s people, teaching them how a process he calls “imprinting” plants the seeds of homosexuality at a young age, and leading them into deliverance from gay and other addictive lifestyles.

Just to add my two cents, I’d like to point out that most straight people don’t think of homosexual relations as a “bitter fruit” that is “pleasurable.” In fact, mention screwing a guy to a straight guy and he’d pass on the offer without even considering how totally absolutely hawt the guy was. He does that because he’s straight. Whereas gays want to have sex with other people of the same sex.

See? That’s the difference.

Conclusion

Chick Tracts are indefensibly bad. They’re illogical, incoherent, and not one of them is readable by anybody who knows anything. (Again, sans the first one.) It’s not even that they’re totally wrong, it’s that they’re such pure propagandizing bullshit that it’s impossible to take them seriously. They’re intended for the most ignorant of sheep, the kind who look upon simple things like the age of the Earth or the nature of DNA and disbelieve through the fact that they can’t understand it. Chick’s pseudo-heavenly rantings always die in the devilish details. Word to the wise: When every single writer on the entire Internet has parodied you, and those parodies make more sense than your serious musings, give it up. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Links

Place links pertaining to the webcomic here.

Advertisements

TwoKinds of People, One Kind Of Webcomic… “Unique”

Webcomic: TwoKinds (http://www.2kinds.com)

I’ve seen a lot of webcomics in my time writing for this site. Reading through the archives of Lackadaisy Cats, Penny Arcade, Megatokyo, VGCats, and the like has given me a pretty good inkling of when the comic-like photons entering my eyeballs are good, and when they are really, really bad, and when they’re somewhere in between. Even with this healthy webcomic knowledge, an appreciation for the artistic creativity which is melded into each and every webcomic that permeates our vast, teeming Internets, there are still webcomics so… “unique” and “avant-garde” and “extra-special” that, in many cases, it is impossible to define, or even attempt to explain, the creator’s impulses.

TwoKinds is one of these webcomics. Now, this particular piece is made by an Asian man named Tom Fischbach, and, to commemorate his Asianness, his webcomic is all animu, all the time. For example, he has really child-looking twenty-four year old guys with no facial hair whatsoever, catgirls, wolf-girls, some human girls, and naturally the occasional awkward male nude scene for comic relief. (Also, to get a better idea of what Fischbach was thinking of when he drew that last nude panel, see here.) This is classic animu, and it fills me with pride to see an Asian man who lives in the United States use an Asian medium simply because he’s Asian, and Asian things are intrinsically cool. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside that makes me vibrate uncontrollably as I clench my fists and scream at my computer screen. Can you feel that feeling? Yes, it’s that same exact feeling you get when you see some random white dude wearing an Inuyasha T-shirt and eating pocky in your Computer Science class.

Impressively for a webcomic of this caliber, Fischbach’s catgirls and wolf-girls are not your average, run of the mill wolf-girls and catgirls. In fact, they are actual cats and wolves, making this animu especially unique. For example, you have Natani, who is actually a wolf that looks like a girl, and Flora, who is actually a tiger that looks like a girl, kind of. In fact, they even have animal-like ages; the animal-girls in this webcomic really only live into their twenties, just like real tigers and wolves. This makes the alluded-to sex scenes between the animal-girl and random animu white dude Trace Legacy especially unique and avant-garde, in the same exact way that Mr. Hands was unique and avant-garde. People who say having sex with animals is wrong just need to grow the fuck up.

But I digress. Whenever this comic isn’t smashing down barriers for anthropomorphic animal sex, it’s bringing to the fore real-life (and highly intelligent!) themes of racial tolerance. As Fischbach puts it, “I was inspired to write Twokinds after having experienced a lot of racial discrimination from kids at my school, who were predominently white.” As examples of the unique ways Fischbach’s comic tackles racism, all of its human characters are white, while its Keidran animal people are slaves regarded as “savages” and its Basitin weird-thing people are all fastidious creatures who are willing to make huge sacrifices for their nation and their superiors. As Fischbach puts it in his “About TwoKinds” section,

Basitins are a little-known race of bipedal, long-eared, brown-furred, sentient animals. Unlike the other two races, the Basitins live off the mainland on a distant island-continent. Due to their isolation, they are often forgotten by the other two races and left to their own devices. They are a warrior race, with a society solely consisting of solders. They behave in a hive-like manner, following orders of superiors without question. They are usually even-tempered and disciplined.

In fact, I’d go so far as to say that the Basitin probably eat raw fish and rice and pronounce things with “r” sounds as “l’s” and vice-versa and would probably even make highly reliable small cars and suicide-bomb the humans’ naval warships with their highly-powerful aircraft if any of these things existed. And the Keidran probably like watermelons and fried chicken, according to Fischbach anyway. This is the kind of subtle racial message being sent by TwoKinds. To add to this message, all of the Keidrans are moved about in slave-ships and have their villages destroyed by the “baka gaijin roundeye” humans.

Being the racially-sensitive, open-minded guy Fischbach is, he knows that black people who were slaves eventually grew to love their masters. This is why all the Keidran slaves he has in his comic love their masters, too.

“Her parents were killed and she was sold into slavery. Flora was lucky enough to be purchased by a friendly human family, who treated her more like a daughter then a slave. Thus, Flora recalls her days of slavery with an unusual fondness.” (Source: Characters page at 2kinds.com)

“Kathrin was selectively bred from several generations of Keidran slaves in order to be more physically appealing to humans. Ironically, despite being designed to be a sex slave, Kathrin is incredibly naive when it comes to sex. Eric gives her much more freedom than his other slaves, but she genuinely enjoys serving him.” (Source: Characters page at 2kinds.com)

Clearly, Tom Fischbach knows a lot about slavery.

Of course, webcomics are supposed to be fun, and Fischbach makes certain that, if you love gender-changing, tranforming, anthropomorphic animals, you’ll love TwoKinds. Two of his main characters are transsexuals. Most of the animal characters are female, and they’re almost always naked (and they love being naked, and they talk about how absolutely naked they are, all the time!) How truly wonderful it is for Fischbach’s animals to be naked and free, and to have the ability to talk to, and have sex with, humans.

You can tell Fischbach and his fans are happy about this too. Because, after you’re finished with reading TwoKinds, you can get a DeviantArt account and check out his absolutely stunning characters in erotic poses! I’ve listed just a few below:

http://twokinds.deviantart.com/art/Nekked-Euchre-wolf-style-32387478

http://twokinds.deviantart.com/art/Hey-what-are-you-looking-at-25553533

http://twokinds.deviantart.com/art/Getting-into-Flora-s-pants-47947055

http://twokinds.deviantart.com/art/What-Are-You-Looking-At-64139608

http://twokinds.deviantart.com/art/Snake-Lady-46189197

Clearly, Fischbach knows sex. And so does his cat, whose name is, I’m guessing, Flora. And, as you might expect, he has a huge fanbase that just loves his deviant art and furry comic. The critics rave!

“graphically stunning! story seems a tad slow but that might come from reading 1 page a week tops.” –robinmdh

“YIFF IN HELL FURFAGS” –xsutures

“That was quite possibly the most moronic thing anyone has ever said XSutures. Anyway, it’s a great comic, I really recommend you read it.” –darwin2k

“Please disregard LuigiM’s comment, as it’s obvious that he hasn’t actually read the comic.” –Annath32

“I thought there was only one sex scene. . . and it only lasted 1 or 2 panels. You can not compare Two Kinds to porn, that is simply ridiculous. By the way, just because it has furries in it does not make it horrible, to be honest, I f**king hate furries. Not the animated ones, but the human obsessed creeps who think it’s a life-style.” –Neoscryer

I have never seen a single furry comic with this much sex in it. This literally has more sex, more nudity, more sex scenes, more suggestive dialogue, and more transgender/transspecies/anthropomorphic bestiality porn than any other non-pornographic furry comic I have ever seen. It is a furry comic, it is a terrible animu comic, and it sucks.” –LuigiM

Just look at who likes it!TwoKinds Fans


So, as you can see, there’s no reason not to like TwoKinds. It’s the most avant-garde webcomic on the Internet! I’ve never seen a comic with plotline and writing and sexuality of this caliber with such wonderful art. So check out TwoKinds today!

Mr. Hands will be joining you, by the way.

Lupe, Johnny, and Doctor Who

Lupe, Johnny, and Doctor Who

Lupe, Johnny, and Doctor Who Lupe, Johnny and Doctor WhorepairIII

Lupe and the Story (Essay to follow soon)

repairII

Lupe and the Story Panel 2Lupe and the Story Panel 3Lupe and the Story Panel 4

Lupe and Jack: One Man’s Attempt To Distance Himself From the Furries

Lupe and Jack/JohnnyLupe and Jack/Johnny Panel 3repairILupe and Jack/Johnny Panel 5Lupe and Jack/Johnny Panel 6Lupe and Jack/Johnny Panel 7Lupe and Jack/Johnny Panel 8

Oftentimes, I think I have a great idea for an absolutely perfect blog posting, one that will make me famous throughout the Internet, one that will make people love me instantaneously, one that will make me beloved by women the world over, and that these women will spontaneously begin throwing their undergarments at me, through my computer screen. And oftentimes, my mother tells me that these ideas are absolutely terrible, and I am forced to start all over again.

This latest posting was one of those wonderful ideas. Specifically, I was going to write a review of David Hopkins’ Jack, possibly the definitive furry comic of our time, if by “definitive” you mean “perverted”, and in the case of furries this is definitely what you mean. According to Wikipedia, a furry is

“A member of the furry fandom—fans of artwork, stories, and related products (comics, movies, costumes, etc.) which feature anthropomorphic animals”.

And, naturally, anybody who has heard this story is laughing their asses off, because this is what hippies have said for years. If you hear about a hippie community, they always tell you that the hippies are “artists, artisans, intellectuals, New Age travelers, and explorers of a new kind of consciousness”. However, hippies are none of these. Hippies are people who live in Volkswagen buses and smoke illegal narcotics.

So whenever people hear about furries, they usually define them as

“People who have sex in animal costumes and draw kitties with sexy parts and start huge wars on the Internet over whether or not Krystal from Star Fox would have sex with them if they were the last nerd on Earth.”

Unfortunately, these two conflicting viewpoints on furries have reduced our beloved Internet into a giant morass of hatred and meanness, and this means that I fear retribution for Lupe. I know that many of you, when you see my adorable little wolf character and read my ridiculous postings on how I hug my little wolf dollies and write my little blog posts for my dog Sissy, just think “Oh, look at this bizarre weirdo posting his bizarro weirdo thoughts on the Internet! I should show my husband/wife/sister this unusually funny basket case of human failure!”

But unfortunately, this is not always the case. There are many people who look at Lupe, and, because they are armed with a knowledge of the Internet, think “Oh, look at this bizarre weirdo furry faggot posting his furfaggotry on the Internet! This is disgusting and I should troll him!”

And so, I came to the conclusion that I should write a review of the furries, to show the people of the Internet that I am normal, in spite of clearly liking wolves far more than the average human ever should. I fear retribution. My wolf dolls currently show no fear. In fact, they are sitting next to me as I write this.

Edit: They are so calm, they’re not even breathing.

So I decided to read Jack. It is 1135-pages long, and it usually involves the Grim Reaper and at least two other characters, and at least one of these characters has done something bad and is sent to Hell in typical Touched By an Angel fashion, except with lots more cursing and random violence and sex between animals.

And, after reading this 1135-page long comic, I decided that I would write a review on it. I thought to myself, “Surely this will show the Internet people that I am not a furry! Look at me! I am writing a five-page hateful review on a piece of furry porn! Woot!”

This was my thinking as I wrote this. And in the end, I looked at this wonderful review, and I laughed uncontrollably. I was thrilled. I had used lots of bad words that you couldn’t say in church, and I showed lots of very creepy-looking pictures from the comic that showed all kinds of violence and sex and violent sex and random death, and I thought, “This is a good thing I have written here.” And I went to sleep, and I was going to show my mother what I wrote when I woke up, and then I’d post it and I would be happy. I was going to show the Internet. I am no furry! Look at my wolf character! He is making fun of furries! See, guys? NOT A FURRY HONEST!!

And when I read this off to my mother, she seemed concerned.

“What is the matter, mom?” I asked.

And, as usual, she RUINED MY PLANS. She told me how fearful I should be, because just judging randomly from the comic I had chosen for my plans I could not tell who this man is or whether or not he was “one taco short of a combination plate” as the saying goes, and he could sic his followers on me and make my poor Lupe engage in bizarre sexual acts with his own comic characters, which would be decidedly unfunny for me and Lupe.

“Are you sure you want to post this?” she asked me. At this point, I was becoming uncertain of whether this was a good idea or not. Quite clearly, my article was funny, as it mentioned furries, and furries are always funny. Yet I did not want to go on the Internet one day and find poor Lupe wearing a French maid’s outfit or anything like that.

And so it was necessary to think for a while, which was difficult for me, as I was recovering from my dreams of posting my review and being greeted by ticker-tape parades in the streets. But I thought, and I finally decided that I would write something funny, as usual, something that nobody would ever notice, and just go back to being mild-mannered, and hope that nobody looks at Lupe and believes that I wish to have sex with him.

And, naturally, I looked back at this unfinished draft and realized that everything I have yet written has been posted to my blog for the public to see, which has probably made this a bit worse.

I don’t think I’ll be going back to reviewing Jack; I think that my first review was enough. I will probably send it to another, much better site than my own, and hope against hope that my site is not rushed by Something Awful. And, as is usual with this website, draw more Lupe comics. No, really, I actually have a storyline and everything. Considering the fact that my inspiration for Lupe came from the fur people, I think that this is quite something, French maid costume or not.

And, as is typical with this site, it is time to recite our motto:

Over Hill

Over dale

O’er the pretty, dusty trail

NOT A FURRY HONEST

Honestly, guys.

Lupe and Jack: One Man’s Attempt To Distance Himself From the Furries

Lupe and Jack/JohnnyLupe and Jack/Johnny Panel 2Lupe and Jack/Johnny Panel 3Lupe and Jack/Johnny Panel 4Lupe and Jack/Johnny Panel 5Lupe and Jack/Johnny Panel 6Lupe and Jack/Johnny Panel 7Lupe and Jack/Johnny Panel 8

Oftentimes, I think I have a great idea for an absolutely perfect blog posting, one that will make me famous throughout the Internet, one that will make people love me instantaneously, one that will make me beloved by women the world over, and that these women will spontaneously begin throwing their undergarments at me, through my computer screen. And oftentimes, my mother tells me that these ideas are absolutely terrible, and I am forced to start all over again.

This latest posting was one of those wonderful ideas. Specifically, I was going to write a review of David Hopkins’ Jack, possibly the definitive furry comic of our time, if by “definitive” you mean “perverted”, and in the case of furries this is definitely what you mean. According to Wikipedia, a furry is

“A member of the furry fandom—fans of artwork, stories, and related products (comics, movies, costumes, etc.) which feature anthropomorphic animals”.

And, naturally, anybody who has heard this story is laughing their asses off, because this is what hippies have said for years. If you hear about a hippie community, they always tell you that the hippies are “artists, artisans, intellectuals, New Age travelers, and explorers of a new kind of consciousness”. However, hippies are none of these. Hippies are people who live in Volkswagen buses and smoke illegal narcotics.

So whenever people hear about furries, they usually define them as

“People who have sex in animal costumes and draw kitties with sexy parts and start huge wars on the Internet over whether or not Krystal from Star Fox would have sex with them if they were the last nerd on Earth.”

Unfortunately, these two conflicting viewpoints on furries have reduced our beloved Internet into a giant morass of hatred and meanness, and this means that I fear retribution for Lupe. I know that many of you, when you see my adorable little wolf character and read my ridiculous postings on how I hug my little wolf dollies and write my little blog posts for my dog Sissy, just think “Oh, look at this bizarre weirdo posting his bizarro weirdo thoughts on the Internet! I should show my husband/wife/sister this unusually funny basket case of human failure!”

But unfortunately, this is not always the case. There are many people who look at Lupe, and, because they are armed with a knowledge of the Internet, think “Oh, look at this bizarre weirdo furry faggot posting his furfaggotry on the Internet! This is disgusting and I should troll him!”

And so, I came to the conclusion that I should write a review of the furries, to show the people of the Internet that I am normal, in spite of clearly liking wolves far more than the average human ever should. I fear retribution. My wolf dolls currently show no fear. In fact, they are sitting next to me as I write this.

Edit: They are so calm, they’re not even breathing.

So I decided to read Jack. It is 1135-pages long, and it usually involves the Grim Reaper and at least two other characters, and at least one of these characters has done something bad and is sent to Hell in typical Touched By an Angel fashion, except with lots more cursing and random violence and sex between animals.

And, after reading this 1135-page long comic, I decided that I would write a review on it. I thought to myself, “Surely this will show the Internet people that I am not a furry! Look at me! I am writing a five-page hateful review on a piece of furry porn! Woot!”

This was my thinking as I wrote this. And in the end, I looked at this wonderful review, and I laughed uncontrollably. I was thrilled. I had used lots of bad words that you couldn’t say in church, and I showed lots of very creepy-looking pictures from the comic that showed all kinds of violence and sex and violent sex and random death, and I thought, “This is a good thing I have written here.” And I went to sleep, and I was going to show my mother what I wrote when I woke up, and then I’d post it and I would be happy. I was going to show the Internet. I am no furry! Look at my wolf character! He is making fun of furries! See, guys? NOT A FURRY HONEST!!

And when I read this off to my mother, she seemed concerned.

“What is the matter, mom?” I asked.

And, as usual, she RUINED MY PLANS. She told me how fearful I should be, because just judging randomly from the comic I had chosen for my plans I could not tell who this man is or whether or not he was “one taco short of a combination plate” as the saying goes, and he could sic his followers on me and make my poor Lupe engage in bizarre sexual acts with his own comic characters, which would be decidedly unfunny for me and Lupe.

“Are you sure you want to post this?” she asked me. At this point, I was becoming uncertain of whether this was a good idea or not. Quite clearly, my article was funny, as it mentioned furries, and furries are always funny. Yet I did not want to go on the Internet one day and find poor Lupe wearing a French maid’s outfit or anything like that.

And so it was necessary to think for a while, which was difficult for me, as I was recovering from my dreams of posting my review and being greeted by ticker-tape parades in the streets. But I thought, and I finally decided that I would write something funny, as usual, something that nobody would ever notice, and just go back to being mild-mannered, and hope that nobody looks at Lupe and believes that I wish to have sex with him.

And, naturally, I looked back at this unfinished draft and realized that everything I have yet written has been posted to my blog for the public to see, which has probably made this a bit worse.

I don’t think I’ll be going back to reviewing Jack; I think that my first review was enough. I will probably send it to another, much better site than my own, and hope against hope that my site is not rushed by Something Awful. And, as is usual with this website, draw more Lupe comics. No, really, I actually have a storyline and everything. Considering the fact that my inspiration for Lupe came from the fur people, I think that this is quite something, French maid costume or not.

And, as is typical with this site, it is time to recite our motto:

Over Hill

Over dale

O’er the pretty, dusty trail

NOT A FURRY HONEST

Honestly, guys.