(Note: In case you need to know who Lowtax is, a link can be found here. Something Awful is a website known for its forums, as well as features like a daily humor article on the front page written by one of its many authors, and several other things, including “Photoshop Phriday” , in which forum members Photoshop pictures in a humorous way on a predetermined theme. Lowtax is the owner of the site, as well as one of its top commentators; his site charges money for forum accounts, reviews horrible webpages as its “Awful Links of the Day”, reviews bad pornography in its “Horrors of Porn”, and has parodies of websites such as their pretend AOL hacker Jeff K. It’s a huge webpage, with thousands of members and hundreds of forum threads.)
Or, actually, is it all right if I call you Richard? Richard, I am impressed by the beauty that you have bestowed upon your site since your last updates. It is, indeed, quite corporate, certainly befitting a man of your high taste and esteem. And, of course, bank account, considering the fact that your site recently hit over 100,000 forum members, leading to a hefty $1 million dollars you’ve gotten by selling people forum accounts on your site. I should certainly say that it is an incredible achievement, considering that you started out with little more than the clothes on your back and several derogatory postings of your co-workers back in 1999.
But, Richard, I’m worried for you, because, well, your life may be at risk! I am not, of course, pointing to Maddox coming after you with a machete or anything, by the way. I’m saying that you’re in danger of stressing yourself to death! You write angrily so much on your site, stressing your mind by viewing harmful pornography and conspiracy theories for your “Awful Link of the Day.” You’ve given away writing credit to writers like Josh “Livestock” Boruff and “Dr.” David Thorpe. And, of course, coming up with all those clever nicknames must be quite stressful!
In this letter, Richard, I would like you to consider several “cures for what ails ‘ya”. You know, ways to relieve your stress. Because, in the end, there are few people who have been through the kind of torment you have, and I believe that you deserve some much-needed rest time. Consider my following advice:
1. Stop talking about the damned furries already. Now, I’m sure that you’ve heard this one before (by furries and non-furries), but I think it deserves another mention. Lowtax, I’m sure that you understand that (most) people don’t like to look at the same stale, boring links to pictures of foxes and wolves drawn to look like humans having sex and such over and over again, even though you keep posting the links (like a recent one, to some pedophile pervert, which was of course entitled “Chica’s Transformation and Furry Page”). I’m also sure that you’ve been under a lot of stress watching these people strut their stuff in their little animal outfits–after all, we all have. However, I think you’ve gone out of control in terms of anger management. Nowadays, on your site, you ban anybody who admits to being a furry automatically. In fact, you only do that to furries and Scientologists, and as one forum member said:
(Click for the full post; it would be unfair to single out a single quote without giving you the chance to see its context. It’s about a furry musical out of England.)
Clearly, you are right about furries not being “the new gay”, even if you solidify their argument that they are by calling them “furfags”; in fact, they are their own religion, with clear principles and morals and rites of passage, in your forum members’ minds.
But, in fact, Richard, furries are not a religion, and only 19% are gay, if that happens to be what’s bothering you. What furries are, according to its principal information site, WikiFur.com, is:
See? I even went to the site myself, so you wouldn’t have to risk your mind looking at its horrors! In fact, I’ll even stop calling furries furries, because I’m sure you hate even their very name. But, yeah, so really, they don’t constitute an animal-worship cult, regardless. In fact, it’s really just people that look at animal cartoons or like animal-human creatures after age twelve. Now, of course, some of them have sex while wearing animal costumes, but then again, when you get many, many people together in one place, you will be certain to see some unusual behavior. In fact, check your members! You may have these people in your ranks!
Not that I mean to scare you. I mean, really, Lowtax, I’m sure you must have a very good reason to hate an entire subgroup of people. I mean, perhaps, we can learn something from your avatar:
Now, I’m sure that this is supposed to represent you back whenever you were one of the fursuited kind, dancing the dance of the truly carefree. But then, something horrible happened. I’m sure one of those people, you know, the ones we stopped mentioning, said something mean to you, like, oh, I don’t know, that a fat pig suited you, or that your little “fursona” should be a cat because you’re a little pussy. And of course, suddenly, your emotions were perverted, and you felt the need to lash out at everybody by laughing at horrible things and such. Which leads me to my next part:
2. Nazis aren’t funny. Y’know, people who kill millions of other people simply because they are homosexuals, Jews, Communists, or any other one of a number of groups aren’t usually funny. Oh sure, Hitler’s mustache was very funny (after all, he took the look from his favorite comedian, Charlie Chaplin), and I would laugh my ass off to see, say, Hitler or Hermann Goering tied to the side of a rocket and fired into the sun. But, I don’t know, I don’t like being called a Nazi just because I decide to go onto the Internet.
Now, of course, I’m sure that labeling your forum members and those who look at your site as Hitlers is your idea of fun, but not mine. You know, we beat Hitler and the Nazis, nuked the Japanese, and beat Mussolini, too, using hundreds of thousands of young mens’ lives, so you can say that everybody on the Internet is Hitler. It just seems ridiculous (and immoral) to me that you would do that. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just that you and your writers seem to have such an obsession with Hitler and the Nazis and you seem to like writing about them that bothers me the most. Like, you know, My Tank Is Fight, that book one of your writers came up with about World War II. Or the fact that you label forum posts as either “gold” or… “gassed”, as in “sent to the gas chambers”.
Oh yes, and this quote, from one of your articles:
“Greetings Something Awful readers! Today I, Rich ‘Lowtax’ Kyanka, will continue with Zack ‘Head Exciter’ Parsons’ hourly articles detailing his mental masturbation over every single vehicle ever potentially touched by a Nazi! In this update I will cover the Straussenhagan GBS402 Heavy Pants-Shitting Laser Beam, the Fritzstchtrubluben Mobile Infantry Baby Carriage, and the highly wacky Heinfaustunguntutzifanzenwurst Lumber Mill which gave the Nazis the ability to upgrade the damage of their spears and thrown weapons. Ha ha, I am of course kidding, Zack ‘WWII Obsessor’ Parsons would undoubtedly tear my throat out, pay to give me a throat transplant, and then force feed me my own throat if I attempted to encroach on his precious World War II monopoly.”
Wow. That last line was very, how should I put this, clever, Lowtax.
And then, of course, you feel the need to combine your site’s won’t-shut-up-about-furries attitude with your love-borderline-fellatio of Nazis to create this gem, written about an Awful Link of the Day:
“Now I don’t want to sound like Hitler here, but I strongly advise the US Government to round up all furries, herd them into concentration camps, and then gas the living hell out of them. The only thing that will allow me to sleep soundly tonight is knowing the fact that these freakish fucktards will never, ever, ever have the chance to breed.”
Yeah, talk about real Internet humor! Because mass murder is funny, as long as it’s against some random group that does something stupid and/or gross! Good job Kyanka!
Over and over again, you and your writers and forum members prattle on endlessly about concentration camps, death squads, Nazi weaponry and tanks, Jews, “things Jewish people can’t eat”, and, of course, Hitler himself, trivializing the Holocaust and the unbelievable burdens the United States had to go under to end Nazism. It’s a crutch you can’t get off of because you can’t bring yourself to write about anything else (excepting Livestock’s obsession with fur traders, for what reason Christ alone knows); but don’t worry…
3. You needn’t worry about being outshined by your other writers. Why? Because none of you is capable of writing all that well! In fact, your Front Page work is perhaps the worst of any major website on the entire Internet! Isn’t that wonderful?! Doesn’t it fill your heart with pride that you’re known for getting beaten up by Uwe Boll and pasting your asinine logo on other peoples’ Photoshop work rather than real writing style and creativity like your doppelganger, Maddox, is? Or the fact that almost all of the updates to your site consist of horrible formulaic crap about nonsense subjects like ice-cream vendors molesting children and watching retarded people having sex? How about the fact that I like some of your own site writers better than you, and millions of people know you as a limp-dicked, greedy, pussy-ass money-grubbing slimebag? I’m sure that you look on all of that with great pride in yourself. No, Lowtax, it must be great to know that you and your site introduced the world to such wonderful things as “All Your Base Are Belong To Us” and cripple porn, and that your forum members had to hack into TV Guide just to get you a mention in the magazine.
And I’m sure that the best part (for you) is this: You didn’t make your site great. You didn’t write your forums. You didn’t get your site traffic, nor did you make those Photoshop Phriday posts. None of it was your work. You’ve gotten where you are because of the millions who love you and drool over the possibility of paying ten dollars so you can ban them for hurting your feelings. The thousands of dollars you’ve made aren’t because of your work; they’re from others. And every day you take advantage of them, banning them for being part of certain groups or for writing things you don’t like, or for no reason at all. You’re sick.
And you make me sick.
I apologize if I’ve hurt your feelings, because I would certainly never want to lose the forum account I have in my head on your site, but, really, there’s nothing better than writing out your frustrations. In fact, I encourage you to do the same; hell, make me an Awful Link of the Day for all I care, let’s see what your forum members think about my little rant. In fact, I’ll even give you some facts about myself:
- I think that some of what the furries do actually shows a lot of beauty and talent, and that not all of it is sick jerkoff fodder, regardless of what you think.
- I don’t like the Nazis, but I’m Christian, not Jewish, not homosexual, and certainly not Communist.
- I like your forums, and I like Photoshop Phriday on your site, even if 98% of it is other peoples’ work.
- I work with Legos, and currently own a massive Lego city.
- My dog is a Welsh Corgi named Sissy.
See what kind of great humor you can make out of that, Lowtax! I look forward to seeing your next inspired post.
Update (August 20): Apparently, the Something Awful Sycophant Squad has found my page. As a brief version of my basic points (as I see them):
- Talking about furries is stupid, having any number of links to furry porn websites is too much, comparing furries to an animal worship cult (like at least one forum member I’ve seen did) is stupid.
- People who are going to piss and moan about furries should not use anthropomorphic pigs as avatars.
- Having giant pretend ads that say things like “The Internet: Where Everyone Is Hitler” is not funny, and trivializes World War II.
- Saying you want furries put in concentration camps and gassed trivializes the Holocaust because furries are a dipshit fan group, not a religion or ethnicity that was persecuted for traits its members were born with.
- No, My Tank Is Fight is not funny.
- You suck at writing.
Tell me what you think! email me:Luigirepublic@aol.com