In America today, there are many problems that must be handled, and many conspiracy theories surrounding those problems. For example, in September 2001 a terrorist attack on the World Trade Center was followed with conspiracy theories. Apparently, people believed that bombs had been placed in airplanes, and other Americans, being the understanding individuals they are, beat these theorists to death with their own shoes, thus meaning that these theories were all lies. This is usually the way that conspiracy theories work.
However, I have uncovered a conspiracy at my university.
And it is real.
Here are the clues with which I uncovered the truth of a horrible, horrible conspiracy which is taking place at the University of New Mexico. It has not yet been uncovered because our faculty, staff, and students are too busy dressing up in wolf suits and running around humping the local trees. Or at least, if they’re anything like me that’s what they’re doing.
Clue #1: Vampire people.
My day began simply enough. I spent the morning not finding a girlfriend, as usual, when I decided to get a breakfast burrito. There, a woman asked me if I’d like to “donate” blood on Wednesday.
I then ran away in a calm manner, but not before asking myself: Just what would a cute, petite Asian girl be doing with my proud human blood? Clearly, nothing good can come of this, I thought to myself. Then I realized there was only one possible reason that anybody would want my blood: They are vampires, and they are hungry. Hungry vampires drink blood. Therefore, ipso facto, if somebody asks for my blood, they’re a vampire. I considered watching her all morning to see if she turned into a bat, but she somehow disappeared. Which leads me to my next point:
Clue #2: Teleporting backpacks and people.
I finished my burrito and headed to my first class. There, I decided to use the restroom, and left my backpack with a girl I had known from our Orientation ceremony, wherein we were savagely forced to bark like pretend wolves and were indoctrinated with the horrors of date rape and the University’s cafeteria before we were allowed to attend college. When I returned, she–AND THE BACKPACK–had moved.
“Oh yeah, I teleported your backpack here,” she said when I inquired into her unusual movements.
And that wasn’t even the scariest part.
Clue #3: Toilets, sinks and urinals that flush as the user leaves.
This truly, truly terrified me, more than anything else I’d seen today. As I used the restroom, I was about to flush the toilet as I always do. But then, the toilet flushed on its own.
When I used my poor, depressing University’s sinks, they started on their own, and stopped when I removed my hands from the washbasin.
And the urinals, my God, they did the exact same thing as the toilets.
WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE SEE WITH YOUR EYES?!
Yet, as frightened as I was, worse was yet to come.
Clue #4: Some kind of strange homosexual indoctrination club.
Apparently, some kind of “alliance” is being formed by people who I don’t know, and those people apparently like turquoise, orange and red colors. I sighted numerous strange messages from this “Queer Str8” club, and for some reason these people feel the need to spell their words with numbers instead of syllables. Many questions remain in these strange messages. For example, what do these people mean my the noun “Amigo”? Do they mean that they come in peace, and thus see us as “Amigos”? Or is this the name of their evil leader, who uses the name as an oxymoron like General Specific from the cartoon Sheep in the Big City? Who knows.
And I had thought that my lesbian friend “Dessie” was just being friendly, but no. I’ll bet she’s trying to indoctrinate me into her club, like Scientologists! Terrifying. These developments make me cringe, very seriously, because I am very serious as I write this long-winded narrative.
Yet there was but one more clue. The most hideous of them all:
Clue #5: America Ferrara is supporting Hillary Clinton!!!1
I know, I know. I was shocked, appalled, to find this out. I was out to see Ms. Ferrara, or “Ugly Betty” as she is known on the information box, because she is the only actress that I actually find attractive and cute.
When there, the pieces fell into place. Hundreds of girls, and a dozen males, all of them mildly homosexual, were cheering on Betty, as she trumpeted Clinton’s devil plans for destroying AmeriKKKa. Abolishing the FAFSA, making students’ lives better, I looked upon this horrific scene in the kind of horror one only looks upon a scene in if it is horrific.
As my poor friend Shari left this, she said that her “girl crush” on Ferrara was “complete”.
I realized at this point that the terrorists had won. Then I went to get a picture with America, who was very short and sweet, I might add. Both times, my camera didn’t work, clearly due to the demon rays Clinton had imparted upon Ms. Ferrara. Then I went home crying to myself, but this did not stop me from getting a picture of her as she was speaking on stage, along with at least fifty other people:
Thus, I had painted my picture of this terrible conspiracy. It goes like this:
- The terrorists, backed by Hillary Clinton, the “Queer Str8” Alliance, America Ferrara, Scientology, and the American Association of Vampires (AAV), is planning to teleport the entire University of New Mexico to New York City, where it will be used to replace the World Trade Center, which was destroyed by the United States Government for this specific purpose.
- Cute Asian girls (and Ferrara) will be used to lure myself into a trap where I will be turned into a wolf, because they know that that is my absolute secretest desire and it will stop me from ruining their plans.
- Max Headroom will probably be involved. For example, the guy that dressed up as Max Headroom and hijacked the PBS station in Chicago during an episode of Doctor Who and got spanked with a flyswatter will probably do something bad.
- Then, aliens will come to New Mexico to destroy the state, using warships clad in turquoise, orange and red colors.
- Toilets, sinks and urinals will be unaffected, excepting that they will spontaneously come to life and be transformed into “ToiletZord”, a massive robot made of porcelain and plumber’s helpers. He will help fix Gov. Bill Richardson (D-NM)’s toilet.
- I will bite some dude in the ass using my wolf teeth for comic relief.
So there you have it, Hillary Clinton is backing terrorists. This will not stop me from voting for her tomorrow, because I know that she’ll probably have Richardson as vice president, and he will stop this madness.
Please, Bill Richardson, stop this madness.
AmeriKKKa is counting on you.