StumbleUpon: Now a “Caste-Based Social Bookmarking Tool!”

I would really like to know when StumbleUpon went from being an awesome site-hunting database into a “social networking tool.”

I don’t know when people started calling Digg and StumbleUpon “social networking” sites. And I have no clue when StumbleUpon created its X-rating, permanently restricting communication between X-rated users and lesser users. But damned if all of the above didn’t happen while I was gone.

StumbleUpon doesn’t suck horrifically yet. The awesome is still there. You still get good photos of pretty places, a few programs here and there, some great watermelon soap recipes, you get the idea. You use Stumble, you still get some great stuff.

(Along with the obligatory shit. Like Ctrl-Alt-Del and a billion sites repeating the same fucking joke over and over again. Fuck that shit.)

At some point, though, something happened, and now StumbleUpon is a “social networking giant“.

Now look, I guess I get the label. You see, StumbleUpon users are clicking a little button on their web browser that takes them to a new site, and then they thumb it up and then StumbleUpon takes the site and directs other StumbleUpon users to it. Socially. StumbleUpon users are socially clicking a little button on their web browser to find web sites to waste time on. Probably while alone in their parents’ basements.

But still. We don’t need any more damn “social networking” sites. I don’t need to talk to people on the Internet via StumbleUpon, that’s why I’ve got Facebook. What? Is StumbleUpon going to add an e-poke feature so that I can electronically play grab-ass with other StumbleUpon users while clicking buttons to take me to “pictures of famous Virginians” websites? Is that what StumbleUpon wants to become?

We already have our “Untouchables”, the X-rated users. You can’t talk to X-rated users unless you’re X-rated. That’s a StumbleUpon rule, and it will be enforced by death. You want to talk to X-rated users? Then join them in their filthy X-rated filth, that’s StumbleUpon’s message to you.

I found this out, because I was confused when I realized that somebody I knew on StumbleUpon, named Darkspoons, had at some point vanished. All of the posts she had made anywhere on the site vanished.

Then I realized that another great Stumbler I knew, Bryce3, wasn’t there. And a bunch of others.

Then I realized that both of them had been X-rated, for Christ alone knows what reason.

I decided to join them, because fuck it. While I don’t have a strong desire to see “Super Hornio Brothers II” while using StumbleUpon, if not going X-rated means not seeing peoples’ reviews of pages and their comments, hey, I don’t use StumbleUpon enough to care.

Oh, but of course:


If you're G rated, you can't talk with R-and X- rated Stumble users. If you're R- rated, you can't talk with X- rated. If you're X-rated, you can't talk to anybody but X-rated people.

Seriously. On this “social networking site”, you can be permanently banned from ever interacting in any way with anybody who’s not rated “X”. Apparently a “block posts from this user” feature wasn’t good enough for StumbleUpon, they had to make a blanket rule applying to everybody put into one of three separate groups.

To hell with that. If I want a “social networking” site I’ll use Facebook. No thanks StumbleUpon.

And don’t even let me get started on Twitter. Seriously, the last thing we need is for anybody else to start accounts on that site. Oooh, you say you gave birth to an octopus while simultaneously slaying a dragon by cutting off his leftmost toenail and using it as a potion to cure the great Princess Xandar III of the Gaian Confederacy of her crippling yeast infection? Big fucking deal. I had breakfast this morning. How do you like that, you octopus fucker?

In the end, you could forgive sites like StumbleUpon and Facebook and Twitter. But why would you? They encourage a caste-based social system, one in which there is the “in”-crowd and the “out”-crowd. If we keep on going on like this, we’ll be no better than your common mud-trotting Hindustani, riding upon the backs of stooping elephants who are, in keeping with Hindu religious beliefs, standing atop small turtles.

This is America, dammit! I want my Internet nerdy and anti-social, just like I want my jocks stupid and my computer technical support to be Indian and surly. StumbleUpon and Facebook are doing exactly the opposite, turning the Internet into something fun for even cool people. It’s changing the world, for the worse. I mean, we’ve got people regularly watching horses sticking their dicks into grown human men. Surely something is going to come of all of this. And I guarantee it will be for the worst.

So, if you love America, stop using StumbleUpon and Twatter, because they are up to no good. Now if you will excuse me, I need to get back to my friendly Indian technical support specialist. Something about therapy.

Blue Sky: The Essence of Terrible

Introduction: A Brief Explanation Regarding Hippie Food Stores

There is a craze sweeping the nation, and this craze is extremely similar to earwigs, in that it is also tunneling through people’s ear canals and eating their brains. The craze is hippie food stores, stores which sell food specifically designed to cater to hippies.

If it were just hippies buying this ridiculous food, there would be no problem. But normal people also buy this food, especially yuppies and the mentally disabled*. Now, this doesn’t really make any sense. One would think that marijuana-deadened hippies would not be the ones you’d want to buy your food from, considering that they were willing to eat ketchup-and-mayonnaise sandwiches back in the sixties. These are people that would be willing to put used cigarette butts on toast and eat the resulting tobacco sandwich if they couldn’t find anything else to eat when they started having their marijuana-induced munchies.

*People that voluntarily eat tofu.

But no. Thousands upon thousands of mentally-challenged yuppies, all over these United States of America, are willing to spend their hard-earned dollars on food chosen by dirty hippies. Naturally (excuse the pun) all of this food is exactly what you would expect it to be. Here’s a rough estimate of what kind of food is stocked at hippie food stores:

  • Food that tastes like shit: 123.5%

As you can see, by my estimates approximately all of the food at hippie food stores tastes like shit. The extra 23.5% is because the food at these stores is so bad that it actually makes food from other stores taste like shit.

Let’s say you buy some food from Albertson’s one day. Very preservative-laden, fatty, and abhorrently unfriendly to the environment. Basically some real good food.

wiccan_hippie_food_storeiv

This is Celestial Raven, owner of Happy Apple Farmer's Market. She would be happy to serve you.

Well, let’s say the next day you buy from Happy Apple Farmer’s Market, run by Celestial Raven, who practices Wicca. She only sells hemp seeds, natural tofu, organic produce, and various spices that are to spice what Phil Collins is to music. She doesn’t want you shopping at Albertson’s. She wants you shopping at Happy Apple Farmer’s Market. So she uses her bizarre Wiccan powers to put a spell on every piece of food she sells. She makes the spell so that it transfers its bland, boring taste to everything around it. She makes sure of this. She is afraid that if only her food tastes like bland nutritious garbage, you’ll stop buying her food.

So if you put Albertson’s food next to food from Happy Apple Farmer’s Market, the latter will make the former taste like salted cardboard. And it’ll cost more, too, due to the spell waves emanating from the food from Happy Apple Farmer’s Market. It’s a very strong Wiccan spell.

Sunflower Market

Hippie food stores take different forms all over the United States. For example, here in Albuquerque they have the “Sunflower Farmer’s Market”, and their slogan is “Serious food, silly prices”.

If by "serious" you mean "shitty", and by "silly" you mean "ludicrously high".

I have tried the “organic” food in Sunflower Market, and I can vouch for the fact that it is some of the most serious food I’ve ever tasted. After all, there is nothing fun about eating it at all.

Sunflower Market pretends to be a cutesy-poo little flower of a food store by adding cute little fonts to everything. Everything has its own font, and a piece of clipart. You go to the produce section, there is a produce font. You get meat, there is a meat font. You want olives, there is an olive font.

If you go to Smith’s, you get food. If you go to Sunflower Market, you get clipart and fonts.

These stores are concentrated around New Mexico, Arizona, Texas, Colorado, Utah, and Nevada, and their central theme is that they try way too hard to be “home-grown, good ol’ nat’ral food” stores. One would think this would mean most of the food would come from near the store (in this case Albuquerque, New Mexico), but no, I go there and most of the food comes from Mexico or California. Most of the food from New Mexico is salsa, on a little shelf off to the corner marked “FOOD GROWN IN NEW MEXICO!”. Thank God. I would not trust Californians to make salsa for me if they were the last Western peoples on earth. They’d probably add habanero peppers and hemp seeds. And then they’d restrict its right to marry the same sex by constitutional amendment.

Blue Sky Soda: The Drink Hippies Like

One of the many products in Sunflower Market that comes from Satan’s asshole California is Blue Sky soda.** I tried their “Organic” root beer, which they call “Root Beer Encore”. It is the most terrible root beer I have ever tasted. It is worse than Barq’s Root Beer, it is worse than drinking Gatorade, it is worse than drinking rhinoceros piss. If you like Blue Sky soda (God help you) I can only assume that your taste buds are burnt off, probably by the habanero peppers you eat in California. Because it is terrible. God is it ever terrible.

**It says “Santa Fe, New Mexico” on the front, but it’s actually made in Corona, California at this point. It actually got sued over this.

Let me write it out in large bold red letters for you:

BLUE SKY “ROOT BEER ENCORE” IS SHIT.

It would be flashing, but I can’t use CSS until I finally find a half-decent webhost. Close enough.

The kind I got was “USDA certified organic”, and had “real cane sugar.” Judging from just the taste of the drinks I’ve yet tasted with actual sugar in them, I would guess that sugarcane is the most disgusting substance on planet Earth, followed closely by high-fructose corn syrup. I mean, seriously, Mexico gets Coca Cola with real sugar, while the closest we can get is Blue Sky “Organic”?

When the version of a soda with sugar in it is more disgusting than the version with high fructose corn syrup, SOMETHING IS WRONG.

Is this some kind of conspiracy or something? Do I have to invade Europe to get some actual sugar in my system without subjecting myself to this disgustingly fruity and tasteless crap?

I guess so. Let’s get some AK-47s from the army surplus store, looks like it’s time to invade Germany again. And possibly Poland. Hey, it might not be nice, but we’d might as well invade Poland. It’s not like the Poles could stop us.

I guess that big American corporations think sugarcane-sweetened carbonated beverages are the kinds of drinks that hippies like. The real sugar must go along well with Doors albums and Volkswagen buses. Good to know.

The Truth About Hippie Food Stores, And Who is Responsible (Aging Baby Boomers)

Like hippies, all of the kinds of foods they sell at “farmer’s markets” are flavorless, bland, and annoying. This food tries to make people feel like they’re making a difference by eating food grown and prepared without preservatives or growth hormones, but all it really does is allow lazy and brainless tools to go through life without doing anything productive or beneficial to the human race.

Frankly, I blame the Baby Boomers. Baby Boomers are just as flavorless, bland and annoying as hippies, and they are equally obsessed with achieving some kind of unobtainable enviro-green future where we all drive recycled hybrid cars and fart oxygen and pixie dust out our asses. Bullshit, I say. Give me a camper trailer. Fuck Toyota Priuses, I want to see the forest, not imprison myself to living in some paved-road shithole subdivision where the people are all pasty-white middle-class zombies and everybody drives environmentally-friendly cars in some kind of surreal dystopia.

Conclusion

EVERYTHING MUST HAVE ITS OWN FONT

EVERYTHING MUST HAVE ITS OWN FONT

I think people who go to these stores think a little too much of themselves, don’t you? I mean, maybe I’m just a moron. Maybe I just can’t appreciate the subtle classiness of buying your Keystone “Light” beer for an extra five dollars at the local “farmer’s market” and buying only foodstuffs that have the words “Natural” and “Organic” emblazoned right on the box in Comic Sans MS font .

But let’s look at the facts. First off, how in the hell is a store like this a “farmer’s market”, anyway? I don’t see any farmers when I go there. Some may have a garden or a couple horses, but I don’t see any farmers peddling their wares anywhere. Hell, I wish they had farmers at the “farmer’s market”. I could buy food from them directly, rather than through a faceless corporation that puts mooing cows on its homepage in a misplaced attempt to appear rustic and homely.

Because let’s face it: These hippie food stores are just big corporate monoliths, and are just like any other supermarket chain. The only difference between a hippie food store and a regular supermarket is that a hippie food store sells organic food at higher prices. Also its board of directors regularly participates in a drum circle. Their conference table may also be shaped like the peace sign.

And while some people may look at all of the peons down below them in the social hierarchy and think how intelligent and classy they are for buying only grain-fed hormone-free free-range naturally-raised humanely-killed organic home-grown all-American wave-the-flag-around-awhile-while-we-roast-this-dead-cow ground beef, we gotta remember that most people don’t buy their food from Albertson’s or Wal-Mart because they want to, it’s because they can’t afford better.

Y’know, I’m not saying Wal-Mart is great. Hey, it’s gigantic and an eyesore and it doesn’t really have every buyable product known to man. Some of its products aren’t great. Sometimes it doesn’t even have the lowest prices.

So we agree: Wal-Mart’s not perfect. But at least it’s honest.