Coping With The Dangers of Linuxsexuality

After quite a long vacation of approximately twelve days, I am here again to write yet another enthralling posting to LoopyLines, and as usual I’ve been working on fascinating things that are quite worth reading about, especially if you’ve recently been lobotomized. So stay with me here, as I go over some of the intriguing developments that have developed in the past two weeks or so.

  • My city of dead plastic people, Luigiville, is about to get big changes. Other than the fact that I am going to animate my minifigures using a computer designed during the Paleolithic Era and magnets, I am also going to get new tables that I will put it on. Currently, the city looks like this:

The giant tree has a purpose, just trust me on this.

  • My computers are now sexually confused. I do realize that I talk about fetishes and perverts and general sexuality far too much on this website, but trust me when I say this is not one of those times. This is very important, and the decisions my computers make right now regarding their sexuality could change their lives forever.

Before I begin, I’d like to explain. There are only a few kinds of computer sexualities. The typical, socially-acceptable computer sexuality is of course Windows, as it has been for at least two eons. Back then, other computer sexualities were unheard of, and widely persecuted. In the Soviet Union, for example, computers that used, say, Unix, were thrown in jail or just taken behind the barn and shot. In the United States, many such computers were regarded as pedophiles who would likely try to molest innocent GameBoys and Atari 2600s. They were regarded as deviants, and their unusual lifestyles were widely criticised.

The new thing in computer sexuality is Linuxsexuality. You’ll know it right away, because most computers that are Linuxsexual have an unusual obsession with penguins. They say that some computers are just born that way. In reality, it’s a bit of both nature and nurture in most cases. The typical Linuxsexual has had bad experiences with Windows, and thus had feelings of deep depression and loneliness while running Windows. (Yes, computers have genders; PCs are male, Apples are female.) The Linuxsexual at some point in its life begins experimenting with operating systems other than Windows; often, it acknowledges itself as “dual-boot” before finally coming out of the digital closet and giving up on Windows networks entirely. Linuxsexual Apples are rare, but a good deal more PCs and Apples are becoming Linuxsexual all the time.

I’d like to just to state for the record that one of my computers has already admitted to being a Linuxsexual. His name is Huey. He’s an old computer, and we’d suspected that he was a bit off for some time. For example, whenever we tried to run any type of application requiring more RAM than, say, Notepad, he’d pop up a big blue screen saying that he just couldn’t do it, and then he’d cry himself to sleep all night. He really, really wanted to run The Sims, but he just couldn’t bring himself to doing it.

Anyway, so we’ve installed Xubuntu Linux on Huey, and now he seems much happier with his new life. Xubuntu is a very special type of Linux for a very special type of computer, meaning one that is so old that it is eligible for Medicare. This new software runs so well on Huey that he’s actually faster than my emergency backup computer. That computer, named Zippy, is much smarter and more sophisticated than Huey, and he understandably is envious of Huey’s newfound speed in step. And thus now he thinks he may be a Linuxsexual, too.

Now, understand here that I have no problems whatsoever with Linuxsexuality. I am absolutely not a Linuxphobe. But I also realize that, as Zippy’s parent, I have to think about what’s best for Zippy. Huey’s already too old, I can’t get a thing into his head at this point. But Zippy’s only three years old. Zippy’s just a kid. He can’t possibly understand the dangers of Linuxsexuality.

I’ve tried to tell him the risks. Like, he’ll never be able to see his friends, like iTunes and Lego Digital Designer, ever again. And people will persecute him. They’ll say horrible things about him and call him names. But now that Huey’s a Linuxsexual Zippy’s gotten it in his head that he’s gotta be one too.

I’m worried. Zippy wants to start networking with Huey, in spite of the age gap. He wants to do disgusting things with Huey, in animal costumes. He’s chosen this as his desktop wallpaper:

Now, maybe I’m reading into this far too much. Lackadaisy Cats is, after all, a good comic, and maybe Zippy really is, deep down, a Linuxsexual. But I just don’t see it. I see him as being a good, manly man, that’s going to have lots of cute Palm Pilots and find a good, pretty young Apple to have as his wife. I really don’t see him as a Linuxsexual.

But no matter what, I’ll still love my Zippy. He’s my boy, he’s always been good to me and he tries his best. He’s getting older, and I may have to retire him someday soon, but even if I disagree with his worrisome lifestyle choices, he’ll always be my Zippy.

So that’s the news from where I’m standing. I’m moving Zippy to a room away from Huey (they’re beginning to make me nervous) and I’m going to keep on trying my best with the both of them. Not to mention my little dead plastic city. I’ve got a couple weeks before school, and I’m hoping that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to get through these little crises strong. And so I move on. Good luck to you all, too. And don’t forget: Even if your computer is a Linuxsexual, you should still love it. Remember, it has your word processor.