I am conflicted with myself on the Michael Vick issue. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, obviously you haven’t been watching football. I know I haven’t. I’m not gay enough to watch it, and I don’t care that much about it either.
There are some guys that seriously care about it, though. Those who like football for more than just the sweaty musclebound ass-kickers and ass-doers, guys that actually care about football, those guys are all up in arms about people who are against Michael Vick.
Yes, there are people out there that are against those that are against a man that is against being against dogfighting. Try pulling that through your head unscathed.
The way I see it, the sidelines are about like this:
- Those who support Michael Vick: Football fans.
- Those who do not support Michael Vick: People who do not enjoy murderous, unnecessary violence.
A lot of people are on the sidelines. I am on the sidelines, too. Here’s my problems.
First off, the dogs can go to doggie hell. Clearly the dogs were asking for it. Dogs are violent, sickening creatures that enjoy eating homework and biting mailmen. Who cares about them? I mean, seriously, who can look at these dogs in the picture below and not see violent killers just begging to be tortured and electrocuted to within an inch of their lives?
On the other hand, I also hate football fans, and would like nothing more than to see them cry in their beer because their god Michael Vick didn’t get to go back into the NFL. Look, I get that they make my pizza or might one day perform my open heart surgery, but football fans are also the reason they have those lame ass GoDaddy ads with Danica Patrick taking her clothes off, only it doesn’t show the goods because millions of women would get angry that their precious little bundles of joy and spittle and copious amounts of poop and urine (i.e. children) were subjected to a few minutes of breasts. Well you know what? Screw that. If I feel like looking at naked women I’ll find them on the Internet, on websites that use GoDaddy for their domain names, ironically enough.
You have to remember, if nuclear war broke out during the Super Bowl and the President had to issue an Emergency Action Notification informing his country that they needed to evacuate to the bomb shelters, you would have millions of these people calling for the President’s head. They would rather die in nuclear hellfire than give up their faux-machismo skull-bashing contact sports for a day or two.
So as reasonable as Vick’s actions were, we also must remember that we have to do something, if only to piss off football fans. Also, I do realize that people deserve a second chance, even in America, as tragic as that may be. So, I have decided on a compromise. We allow murderers and dog killers to play in the NFL. However, only murderers and dog killers will be allowed to play in the NFL. Each team member will be issued a prison jumpsuit in their respective team’s color, and they will play without protective padding These team members will play completely naked, for the enjoyment of gays and women. We will allow these murderers, rapists, killers, and torturers to fight for the football in a giant mile-wide pit lined with electric fence and strewn with land mines and shrapnel, which I call the Murderdome. They will be paid five million dollars a year to do this, assuming that they survive the first season.
Then, we behead every member of PETA, impale their heads on spikes and place these in a wide circle around Murderdome, because it would look awesome and reduce the amount of fur coats lost each and every year to red paint. The fighting dogs they fought to save will get their chance to survive. They will be the opposing team, along with grizzly bears, tigers, lions, killer bees, king cobras, and other assorted violent and dangerous animals. The key difference will be that the animals were bred and trained to kill, whereas the murderers and rapists were self-taught.
The cheering section will be comprised of lesbians having orgies on the sidelines. The stands will be the same as they are right now. However, fans will not only be allowed, but encouraged to bring semiautomatic weapons.
Oh yeah, and the ads will all be hardcore pornography. GoDaddy had better hope it can get Danica Patrick to have sex with “Candice Michelle” on TV for all of America to see. Otherwise we’ll have to give their TV spot to someone else.
We need to send a stern message to criminals. We don’t respect people that murder people and dogs and yet can’t survive a day in Murderdome. Grow some cojones, murderers! Especially if the grizzlies tear them off your crotch. If that happens, you’d better hope you can grow some new ones.
That’s my plan for the NFL. I think it’s a great idea, it’ll sell like hotcakes. We can free up our prison system, get killers off the streets and out of the jails, and simultaneously reduce the world’s population, and let’s be honest, this is already what the NFL is, just pussied out and made more “palatable” for a mainstream, boring audience that can’t take anything truly hardcore. The only problem with the plan will be if human rights or animal rights advocates complain. Then we’ll have to kill them too. We can’t let quibbling details get in the way of a great plan.
I am ready to “talk turkey” and get the ball rolling with executives from the NFL. NFL, are you ready for Murderdome? Because it’s ready for you.