Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett Die on the Same Day

Michael Jackson.

Farah Fawcett.

Whenever two good people have been lost, one a great music artist, one a beautiful actress, people feel a need to grieve, and mourn, without feeling like horrible scumbags.

So I’m going to take what we’re all thinking and just come right out and say it, so we can look at that thought and reflect on it and heal, and hopefully become better people for having our psyches cleaned of our dirty disgusting thoughts.

Here goes:

The world’s most beautiful white woman and the man that most wanted to be a beautiful white woman, have died on the same day.

I apologize for subjecting you all to my horrible machinations. I am a horrible person for thinking something so wicked. I am prepared for your hostilities.

The important thing to remember is that both are now at peace. There shall be no more suffering from cancer for Fawcett, and perhaps Jackson too will be able to rest in peace from his inner demons and mental problems.

And now for the obits:

Jackson had a fascinating life. His early days were quite a thriller, and often completely off-the-wall. Sometimes Jackson seemed downright invincible. Of course, over time things got dangerous, and the child molestation suits were downright bad. Of course, he will always be remembered for his pop music legacy; the entire industry will be forever Michael.

As for Fawcett, she got famous through Charlie’s Angels, where she became well known for her voluptuous extremities (and I don’t mean the off-Broadway play she starred in), not to mention her smile and acting and all that, but mostly, well, you know. For a very long time Hugh Hefner chased her, trying to get her to show her extremities. Finally she relented, and allowed him to show them when she (and they) were about 48. And she also showed her smile, of course. Not so much her acting ability.

She passed of cancer, and yet somehow Hugh Hefner survives her. I don’t get it either.

Anyhow, I hear they’re going to heaven, and some angels will lead their way. Apparently a guy told ’em to come. I hear his name is Charlie.

Rest in peace, you two.

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Black People Stole our Penises: A Look Into the Mind of Don Imus

Recently Don Imus came out of his space cocoon on Planet Sasquatch to open his mouth once again. Although in the past he has come out to display nuggets of far-out space age wisdom, such as that black women are prostitutes with black curly hair, this time Mr. Imus has emerged a “wiser”, more “intelligent” man, excepting that he still cannot keep his big mouth shut. In other words, he basically said that black people are dirty criminals.

Newsreader Charles Warner Wolf: …[H]e’s been arrested six times since being drafted by Tennessee in 2005…

IMUS: What color is he?

Wolf: …He’s African-American

IMUS: Well. There you go. Now we know.

Now I think we know what Mr. Imus is talking about. Some of the actions of black men against white men in this nation have been positively criminal. If they aren’t stealing the melanin straight off the skin of white people, they’re using their insane powers to steal precious inches from the white man’s penis. Let me be honest here, and say I think that that’s a shame, and the black people of the United States should be forced to give white people their melanin back, in the same way white people gave back to black people after beating and abusing and raping them for generations, that is by loaning them forty acres and a mule.

And let us not forget, the mule should at least be housetrained.

They should also give a formal, heart-rending apology to Conan O’Brien’s wife. I can only imagine what their late-night conversations must be like:

Mrs. Conan O’Brien: Half an inch?

Conan O’Brien (frantically): It’s O.J. Simpson’s fault!!

I also believe that Michael Jackson should be thanked for being the first to give back nearly all of the melanin he has ever had in his entire body, although it would have been nice if he could have given some of it to Macaulay Culkin.

Macaulay Culkin: Half an inch?

Michael Jackson: Hey, that’s what you get when you try to give white men their melanin and penis sizes back!

The reason Don Imus is so serious about penis size and melanin to the point that he’d make a racist comment about a basketball player over it, other than the fact that he is gay for Howard Stern, is because he lives on a ranch in New Mexico. I know by experience that New Mexico ranches are no place for lily-white rednecks with no ability to handle the sun. For example, recently my uncle, his nephew, and his nephew’s Wiccan girlfriend and I went fishing in the rivers of Northern New Mexico, an area known for having one billion parts sun for every part water there is. I learned many things from these three, for example, that Arab people have contributed nothing to Western civilization and apparently things like algebra and the alphabet are nonexistent entities or lies perpetrated by liberals. But the most important thing I learned is that, if you have no melanin in your skin, it doesn’t matter how much SPF 50 sunscreen you put on. You will still wind up peeling like a banana, whereas others will be outside with bronze skin, wearing nothing but tanning oil and a smile, and their skin will just get more melanin, and they’ll become more attractive and more likely to take away your wife. And she will most likely never go back, especially if the guy taking your wife happens to be Seal. You’d be lucky to get your Garth Brooks CDs back at that point.

Seal, “Crazy”, 1990, Warner Bros. Posted to Youtube by “SealOfficial”

Maybe these people are stealing the white man’s melanin, too. I’ve seen a lot of dark Hispanic and Asian people too. In fact, I’ve seen lots of white people with really dark, bronzed skin. Maybe all these races are just stealing melanin from poor old folks like Don Imus.

And maybe–just maybe–all these races are capable of stealing, being thieves, riding in low-rider cars, cutting in front of me on the freeway, and just generally being assholes. Maybe even Don Imus knows this. Maybe, just maybe, he was saying that “Pacman Jones” was arrested all those times because he was black and black people get arrested more than white people. Maybe his comment was an attempt to repair his racism-scarred reputation. Perhaps, as a shock jock, he felt the need to make an important racial statement while simultaneously pissing people off. Perhaps this “Pacman Jones” person will eventually become well known outside of the realm of being a basketball player jock with a history of run-ins with the law.

Or what if it’s the opposite: That Don Imus is really trying to sneak racism and hate-think into American society via a news show nobody listens to, except rich white people who are already more racist and culturally insulated than a glorified talk-show host ever could be? What kinds of ramifications could there be if such thought entered the general American populace? Would it hurt black peoples’ feelings, or cause white people to become neo-Nazis and join the Ku Klux Klan? Who knows what Don Imus could be capable of?!

More importantly, who cares?