The important news story this week involved Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. These two marvels of the modern Democratic Presidential election have been at each others’ throats for the past few months or so, as you undoubtedly know, and this week an important milestone was reached: It appears that the People Who Hate Women have trounced the People Who Hate Black People.
This was unsurprising to the vast majority of people, inasmuch as Hillary Clinton has the personality of a cleaning robot, but, the collective viewing public said, who knows? Maybe Hillary the Amazing Woman Born Without A Personality Or Real Opinion On Anything has a chance of winning. This is what everybody thought. And thus the lines were drawn. Hillary was backed by women and Guys Who Hate Black People, as well as me, even though I do not have ovaries or hate black people. Meanwhile, Barack Obama was supported by everybody else as well as men who were absolutely not ready for a female President, inasmuch as they chose to use the phrase “demon bitch” as a mode of political discourse. In the end, Ms. Clinton and her racist followers were destroyed by Barack Obama and his sexist followers, as pundits are now saying that unless there is an Act of God such as God spontaneously erupting from the Heavens and sending Barack Obama straight to the deepest depths of Hell, Hillary Clinton will fail to enslave America and unleash her Demon Bitch Rays upon our embattled nation. John McCain, who is supported by people who are both racist and sexist and enjoy killing endangered species for sport, will win the election come November 2008, because Americans are stupid racist pigs. And I still won’t get a Ford Mustang.
But enough of the upcoming Elections For America’s Next President. I want to talk about other things.
Important News Item #1: For those of you who want to know, Kaycee The Dream Girl Who Hates Me has blocked me from seeing her Facebook account. She may be ready to press charges if she ever reads this, and she will probably get her mantoys to come and kill me. Also,
Important News Item #2: There are people who are sexually attracted to the characters from Chip N’ Dale: Rescue Rangers. This surprised me just as much as last week’s revelation that there are in fact people who are sexually attracted to Transformers. Apparently, This involves a character by the name “Gadget Hackwrench.” And I wonder why I grew up so fucked up. Me–and my entire generation– got our collective start watching shows with characters who are named by the tools they use. What kind of name is that? Gadget Hackwrench? Are you serious? And these shows portray women as having real jobs other than being secretaries or something else God intended women to do, such as not running as candidates in Presidential elections. As one Something Awful user put it,
Jesus, that Ray Jones guy is creepy. I’ll admit that I had a crush on Gadget when I was five, but I grew out of it. He doesn’t even have the excuse of having been a kid when the show was on.
So apparently, my generation was not the only one whose lives were destroyed by the menace that is Chip and Dale. Damned chipmunks.
These people call themselves “Rangerphiles”. Protip: If your children know anybody who is a Rangerphile, or anybody who has ever said anything about rangers or philes of any kind, you should probably be safe and just kill them. Or at least slap them around for awhile.
I’ve run out of steam with this Important News Item, so I’m going to go on to the point of this article. Which is Mother’s Day.
Mother’s Day is a day of giving back to our mothers, who willingly had sex with our smelly male fathers so that we could exist. It is an important day, for me especially, because I have a lot to give back to my mother. I love my mother, as much as if not more than I love my dog. I know that sounds strange, but my mother bore me, whereas my dog has primarily urinated on the floor. I know of nobody else who is willing to proofread my blog posts other than my mom.
As one good example of an absolutely smashing post I was going to put here, I wrote a very special piece entitled “Trolling the Trollingest Of Trolls, Plus I Finally Get To The Bottom of Green Energon, For Better Or Worse”. This was a piece in which I talk about trolling John Solomon, who is here to tell you that your webcomic is bad and you should feel bad. I also discussed Transformers pornography, and rewrote my pagan lesbian friend Sabrina’s slash fanfiction. This did not pass my mother’s inspection. Also, my friend’s real name is Dessie. So there you go.
Anyway, to give you a quick sampling of what you missed out on, here is an excerpt from my finished piece of slash-fanfiction:
WARNING WARNING WARNING This fanfiction contains gay sex, Transformers gay sex, nonconsentual gay Transformers sex, and lots of throwing up and shitting and associating throwing up and shitting with sexual arousal. If you are UNDER THE AGE OF 18 NOT OVER OR AT THE AGE OF 18 or DO NOT LIKE CASUAL REFERENCES TO ROBO-DONG AND HOT TRANSFORMERS ACTION ESPECIALLY WHEN BUMBLEBEE TURNS INTO A CAMARO AND STICKS HIS TAILPIPE INTO PROWL’S POWER-OUTLET, do not read this fanfiction. In fact, close your browser and leave this website, because holy shit. Viewer discretion is advised.
I wrote this because I thought it was hilarious. I should probably mention that I am not gay, so far as I know. Anyway, all of the above was included, because this is what Dessie wrote. I cannot stress this enough. I was not the one who started the whole “Transformers porn” thing. That was Dessie. Sure, I wrote like four or five pages of reworded Transformers slash fanfiction, with references to robot-spooge and robo-loving and the like, but it’s not like I liked doing it. I was disgusted by what I wrote. I didn’t do anything wrong, trust me. In fact, I vomited after I wrote that. Like, a lot. Troll her, not me.
Also, her DeviantArt is here.
Important News Item #3: There is a Transformers character named “Gadget” too. However, his last name is not Hackwrench, to my understanding. I’m pretty sure he’s more used to the screwdriver, judging by Dessie’s fanfiction.
So, we salute you, oh mothers who make sure their children don’t submit disgusting Transformers pornography to our fair Internets. May you continue to not be sickos like we are.
Happy Mother’s Day.