How to Use Facebook

Virtual networking programs like Facebook and Myspace have swept America by connecting people who should never have been allowed to connect in any meaningful way. Frankly, most Facebook and Myspace users should never have been let out of the tiny cocoon-like enclaves they inhabit, shunning the rest of the world like timid butterflies and coming out only for an anime-catgirl shaped lightbulb or copious amounts of Mountain Dew, but that is not my point. My point is that these systems are taking America by storm, by letting people from seperate cities, countries, or even planets communicate with one another in a way that could almost be mistaken for human interaction, such as via poking one another electronically. Of course, allowing unwanted human interaction is only one of many services Myspace and Facebook provide. There are infinite tasks you can perform effortlessly with the touch of a button on both systems, including:

  • Instant messaging
  • Being able to post nude photographs of yourself for all your friends to see (a feature only available on Myspace to my knowledge, unfortunately)
  • Posting poorly-drawn furry pornography that nobody wants to see
  • Having a special “birthday reminder” tool, so that you don’t forget your friends’ birthdays and end up having a birthday cake slammed into your CD-ROM drive.

Yet many people don’t fully understand how to use these features. Only those that spend their every waking hour poring endlessly over a sterile notebook or desktop computer screen, or those who are liberal arts or physical education majors, truly understand the power one can acquire through a system like Myspace or Facebook. Thankfully for you, I’m here to help. I’m a veteran of Myspace and Facebook, having more than fifty friends per system in spite of being a common variant of Mexican gray wolf, and I know the Internet like the back of my hand, because I have no life and no semblance of social relationships.

Without further ado:

1. When on Facebook, make sure to name all of your picture folders with names like “Summer of Madness”. That way, everybody will know that your summer was in fact PURE AWESOME MADNESS, in that you did that one thing where you had fun coming up with unique uses for one of your friends’ bras (hopefully a female friend) and were not beaten to death by a security guard after getting drunk and attempting to mate with the ostrich statues at the miniature golf course.

2. Whereas Myspace will never actually update any of its aging design, Facebook will redesign everything every other week. If you are on Facebook, rest assured that you will never fully understand any of the features that are at your disposal, because you will be spending at least 50% of your time attempting to find where Facebook has decided to put all the toolbars and images this week:

3. Also, on Facebook you will never be able to customize the look of your page. If you get a WordPress blog you can give it one of 73 different styles, of which I have used one, “Digg 3-Column”, for quite awhile now. On Myspace you can use whatever the hell style you want, of which most choose styles such as the ever-popular “Retarded 16-year-old Girl” style, or “Latently Homosexual 18-year-old Emo Raver Boi” style.

On Facebook, though, there is no “style.” You are given the style Facebook has, known as the “Blank white page with a blue bar on top and random shit everywhere” style. This style is inherently unpopular. Of the several billion friend updates I have on Facebook, currently 119% involve somebody telling me to vote “I don’t like it” on the Facebook layout. I will, as soon as I’m done reading through the latest Terms of Service the Antichrist has put together for Facebook’s crack legal team.

That reminds me:

4. On Facebook, any rights you once had will be null and void after you open an account. Technically, according to Facebook’s new terms of service slavery is not explicitly illegal. The federal government could literally sell you and your children to a slaveowner, forcing you into a lifetime of menial servitude, until you finally utter your last gasping breath. If you’re lucky, they might give forty acres and a mule to your children, and even then you will be yelled at by Republicans who will scream at you to act just like white people or else and shut up while America continually steals pieces of your culture, bit by bit, until finally you have nothing left to give. That’s Facebook for you.

Oh wait. Wait, I’m sorry, I’m thinking of the Emancipation Proclamation. My mistake. What Facebook will do is steal everything you’ll ever put up and make sure you never see any rights to it ever again. If you ever speak up, they’ll unleash their crack Legal Team, comprised of three wolverines, a dozen land piranhas, and twenty King Cobra snakes, and have them eat you, and if possible extract what precious minerals they can find in your body.

I hear the average person contains $25.00 worth of precious minerals. That may not sound like much, but considering that there are 175 million Facebook users, and more than 850 million photos are uploaded to the site each month, that’s more than $4 billion they could get just via extracting your precious minerals. If they forced you to give them your kidneys? They could take over the world. Think about that next time you’re putting photos up under Facebook’s terms of service. The legal team’s getting hungry. Especially the cobra.