Slowly Killing Oneself in the Quest For Health

You will know it when you see it.

You will know it when you see it.

Have you ever been to a Chinese food restaurant? Yes, I am asking you. Have you, the person currently reading this pointless article, ever been to a Chinese food restaurant?

If you are a normal, God-fearing American, the answer to this is probably “yes”. (If it is not, meaning that you are not a normal, God-fearing American, you should become one, either via marriage ceremony or genetic engineering.) Anyhow, of course you’ve eaten Chinese food, it is awesome. You have probably figured out by now, looking at how long this article is, that this is not my only question to you. Because there are many different types of Chinese food restaurants. There are Schechuan Chinese food restaurants, and Cantonese, and some aren’t even Chinese, they’re like a weird mixture of all kinds of crazy crap that the chef decided appeared vaguely Asian, and so he decided to open up a restaurant  and call the food “Chinese” because China is the only Asian country he can find on a map.

By now you’re probably wondering what I’m getting at. My point is, if the answer to the first question is “yes” and the answer to the second is not “Four-Joys Chinese Restaurant in Albuquerque, New Mexico, a few blocks south of The Fruit Basket, which sells fruit, and just a little south of Moses Health Foods Store, which sold the acidophilus milk that cured the Governor of the Luigiian Republic of near-terminal rotavirus when he was six months old”, then you sir (or ma’am) are an idiot. You also have terrible taste in food.

It's great, seriously. No, this is not a joke. YOU NEED TO EAT AT THIS PLACE SOMETIME DAMMIT

There is but one “Four Joys Chinese Restaurant.” You will know it right away, because it emanates awesome right at the front door, in the form of two enormous wooden dragons on either side of the front door. Inside there is a small river, with small Chinese fishes, and small Chinese waitresses, although it must be mentioned that the waitresses are not inside the river, as this would get their feet wet. The waitresses are instead near the tables inside the restaurant, which is dark. God alone knows what the walls look like in this place, that is how dark the walls are.

I went to Four-Joys yesterday, and it was great. It was an incredibly powerful, moving experience, especially bathroom-wise, but also because it tasted good. But, of course, whenever you consume that much MSG and salt and grease and rice and spicy mustard and General Tso’s Chicken in one sitting, you know that there is going to be hell to pay. And that hell is fiery, watery and generally comes out of all of your major orifices at once.

But that hell is definitely, totally worth it.

Walking a tightrope is a great way to become fit. Headaches? Youd better hope you dont fall.

Walking a tightrope is a great way to become fit. Headaches? You'd better hope you don't fall.

The only cure for Chinese Food Hell, of course, is Wii Fit. It is the cure because it is a healthy game that involves such healthy activities as twisting your body into knots, walking tightropes extended hundreds of feet above the ground, and of course yoga, which no healthy activity would be without. Yoga, like it’s namesake, yogurt, is very healthy, because it teaches exercises like how to breathe so much air into your bodily cavities that your stomach starts bulging out, which I tried to do but failed at because my sides hurt after attempting the Half-Moon pose.

And that is just on my first day. I am sure that after several days of this, my whole body will ache as if I have run the Boston Marathon several times in a row. That’s how I’ll know that I’m getting healthier. Because I’ll be in excruciating pain.

Science agrees with me on this. As I write this, scientists around the world are coming up with new ways to try to force humans all around the globe to seriously injure themselves. In special scientific studies, they continually find that people that put in more sweat and more difficult activities lose more weight and become healthier. They do not state whether most of those respondents are sadomasochists, or whether they’re also vegetarians, but I’m guessing that they are. Only sadomasochists and vegetarians could get off on making themselves feel like they’re ninety years old after an hour of twisting their bodies into various unnatural poses. If you enjoy exercise, chances are you’re one of them.

If you go looking for the rest of this horrible image, you will never, ever forgive yourself. It is ithat/i bad.

If you go looking for the rest of this horrible image, you will never, ever forgive yourself. It is that bad.

And in spite of this pain, I may still end up using Wii Fit. Am I a sadomasochist? Am I a vegetarian? I do not know. I know I am probably not a vegetarian, because I believe strongly that if an animal was not murdered to produce whatever food I am eating, that it is only a snack and therefore completely useless for my nutrition. I may be a sadomasochist but at this point I have been exposed, via the Internet, to so many odd perversions and fetishes and deviancies and various other evils (such as being on the same planet as Doug Winger) that being able to find a single one in the dark depraved confines that constitute my mind would be a luxury comparable to raising the Titanic and bringing all of its passengers back from the dead. So in that regard there is no way in HELL I am going to try to answer that question. Forget you even HEARD it.

And don’t, under any circumstances, look up Doug Winger. Just trust me on this one.