Tips for Shopping at Your Local Dollar Store

Every town has one. You know, that place where everything costs a dollar. Near my house it’s called the Dollar Tree, but it takes many names. It’s a great place to go if you have a dollar in your pocket and no common sense in your head.

Here are some tips for getting the most out of your experience at the local dollar store:

-Everything there is something you could buy at a Wal-Mart for more money. One day, you’ll be walking the aisles of Wal-Mart looking for a barbecue lighter. You pay, say, three bucks. Next week you see it at the Dollar Store for a dollar! How do they do it?

Some think it has to do with the fact that they use Chinese labor. They hope that’s why.

Usually, though, it’s because everything at the Dollar Store is crap.

Strolling down aisles at a dollar store is like going to the Island of Misfit Toys. It’s depressing. They’ve got toy dogs with no heads, and toy dolphins whose skin feels like old used condoms. They have neon-colored flyswatters. They have food harvested from Zimbabwe.

Just remember: If you go to the Dollar Store, you’re purchasing crap you could have bought at Wal-Mart for an extra two dollars. And from Wal-Mart it would actually work right.

Dont buy these. Ever.

Don't buy these. Ever.

-Everybody at the dollar store is incredibly depressing. When you go, everybody will be dejected, all the time, and those that aren’t dejected are pedophiles. Many will be wearing Crocs shoes and old flip-flops. Don’t be an asshole to any of these people. Except for the pedophiles.

-Don’t buy any of their food, ever, except for snacks with brand names. I have never bought a jar of pickles from the dollar store. I will never buy a jar of pickles from the dollar store. Food should be bought at a supermarket, not at a place that puts hard salami on a shelf next to a pair of novelty sunglasses.

I hope this article has been enlightening. I sure feel enlightened, but it might just be this Dollar Store flashlight.