The Story of Penis Mutilation in America: Circumcise Your Boys for Jesus and Protect them from French Prostitutes

The peoples of the world are defined by their ignorances. Some of the peoples of the world have tame ignorances, such as those of the Greeks who used to molest children for sport. Others have very interesting ignorances. For example, the Chinese liked to force their women to wear very tiny shoes so their feet would become deformed, because Chinese men are sexually attracted to women with deformities.

America is the nexus at which the various ignorances of the peoples of the world are brought together in a single unholy writhing mass of ignorance, hatred, bigotry, misogyny, and closed-mindedness. Being a nation of primarily unwashed honkies, America’s ignorances tend towards those of white trash, people who prefer their trucks big and who prefer their women drunk and willing at all times. These are people who hate science, who stone gays, and who hate vegetables, nutritious foods, and anybody who is not also white trash, including liberals, Hispanics, rich people of all kinds, intelligent people, and people who actually know what the hell is going on beyond Big Bubba’s Trailer Park Emporium and the local GMC dealership.

The one group which white trash loves besides other white trash is Jews. White trash loves Jews, or at least those who helped to write the Bible, a book which white trash holds dear in its white trash heart to make all of its decisions. Much white trash prefers to open up a Bible and pick a phrase at random to tell their fortune, in a ritual they refer to as “Bible dipping”. Then they go out and lynch fortune-tellers en masse because fortune-tellers get their powers from the Devil.

Fundamentalist Christians specifically fell in love with Jews, especially the nation of Israel. Israel is fundamentalist Christianity’s friend, because it gives fundamentalist Christians a convenient reason to bomb the shit out of people poorer and worse off than themselves, another white trash hobby. Christians fell so unremittingly in love with Jews, the Bible and fundamentalist religion that they consummated their relations with this religious trinity in an unholy buttsex orgy, resulting in a horrible fusion of all of these things which was so great that we still feel the results today, especially in our cocks.

The following is the story of how circumcision came to be. This story will explain to you why children have their dick skins cut off if they are born in the United States of America, land of the free, home of the ignorant fetid masses of the world.

Here’s why Americans circumcise their children.

Thousands of years ago Jews began to circumcise their children in the name of God. They did this so God would not smite them, or whatever shit people were coming up with back then. If you masturbated or didn’t cut the skin off your penis or had fun while having sex the Jewish God would torture you and kill you and send you to Hell.

Then, Jesus came to life as a corporeal representation of God. Jesus didn’t say dick about circumcision, except that his followers didn’t have to do it. Fuck that part, though, because he’s totally cool with it and such. After all, he was Jewish; he would be cool with the whole dick-skin sawing thing. He was a carpenter. One would assume he circumcised himself with a saw. A big fucking saw. Or a chisel. He probably chiseled his dick-skin off.

Then the Romans took over Christianity so the Jewish God wouldn’t destroy their Empire. The Jewish God destroyed their Empire anyway. He also tortured the Jews for various reasons.

By the early 19th century most people had stopped cutting off their children’s cock skins for various reasons. I have many theories on why this occurred. First off, it didn’t help peasant children work in the fields or work in the mines, and since they were probably going to die before they turned twelve months old it didn’t matter anyway. It’s not like they were going to get to lose their virginity or masturbate or anything. And if they did, who cared? This was Victorian England! Fuck happiness and sexual expression!

Second off, who gives a shit if poor children go to hell? It was the rich that mattered. Cutting off poor children’s dick skins was an unnecessary cost. The poor needed to fuck and fuck and fuck and reproduce like rabbits until the world was full to capacity of stupid children that nobody could take care of, and it wouldn’t matter, because the unnecessary vagina droppings could die of starvation. And all of them could go to hell because they got to keep the twenty thousand nerve endings men have on their cock skin, and after the obligatory hard work for rich white people that don’t give a shit about anybody or anything but themselves it wouldn’t matter. They’d been used. Their purpose was fulfilled. Circumcision was unnecessary.

Then America got to work, and John Harvey Kellogg threw his hat into the ring and decided that circumcision would help keep young boys and men from masturbating. Obviously. You slice skin off a dick and it becomes a little bit harder to get off.

But that’s a good thing! Fuck getting off! It’s not important! What is important is being pure. Meanwhile chugging down alcohol while beating your children and wife and killing brown people in foreign countries and beating black people to death and forcing your lifestyle down the throats of everybody else. Jacking off is the problem. Cooling off with porn after work is bad. Beating your children and wife is the right way to handle stress.

Most people with a brain in their head ignored Kellogg, because corn flakes suck and so did John Harvey Kellogg, who was a lunatic. FUCK JOHN HARVEY KELLOGG AND HIS SHITTY CEREAL.


Anyway, so then we go to war. We blow the everliving shit out of a bunch of European countries who were led around by a lunatic for reasons which have never really been explained. (And those same countries did whatever this lunatic wanted them to, which I’ve also never really understood.)

Our soldiers were fucking left and right throughout all this war. They fucked every Parisian hooker in sight, and get this, they started getting STDs.

Gee, I wonder why.

Maybe if the soldiers kept it in their fucking pants and waited till they got home to their girlfriends, they wouldn’t have had to cut their cock skin off to protect themselves against STDs.

But no, and so they took the Jew route so they wouldn’t get the clap.

This–American troops having unprotected sex with hookers–is the primary reason children are circumcised in America today. GIs brought the practice home with them as a method of decreasing STD transmission. In addition, intact children must have their private parts cleaned thoroughly, and American parents are both too lazy and too prudish to touch a baby’s penis to ensure he doesn’t get a urinary tract infection.

And thus are American children circumcised in the name of Jesus who said his followers didn’t have to get circumcisions, to protect them from hookers and UTIs.

Children who are circumcised never get a choice, never go back, nada. Twenty thousand nerve endings and most of the penis’ sensitivity are out the window with a snip-snip-snip and a whoop-de-doodle. The foreskin can never be replaced. Men that lose it never fully feel sex ever again, and are permanently less sensitive.

In simple terms, the foreskin is what feels most of the secks. Americans started circumcising kids so men couldn’t feel sex and wouldn’t want to have it as much. Period. That’s why Americans circumcise their kids. That’s why Abraham did it, that’s why fundie Christians do it, that’s why it’s done. So men can’t enjoy sex as much and won’t do it anymore.

In frank terms, America doesn’t give a shit. Why should it? We’re talking about a country that considers Coca Cola with high fructose corn syrup to be equal to sugar Coke. These people will never care, because they are desensitized to all outside stimuli, whether it be oral, anal, or penile. So I suppose, keep doing what you’re doing, America. Because you’re Christians. Because you don’t like sex.

Because you know, in your heart of hearts, that your kids are going to go fuck some French hookers.


Father Magazine, “The Historical Basis for Child Circumcision in America.” 1996.

San Francisco Gate. “The Mommy Files: CDC Considers Promoting Circumcision.” August 24, 2009. (Yes, it is true, the practice is 60% effective in prevention of HIV. Pbbbbfffh. As you fundies always like to say, the best protection against HIV is abstinence. Isn’t saying circumcision prevents STDs just going to encourage circumcised kids to have more sex?)

American Academy of Pediatrics. Statements on Circumcision and Urinary Tract Infection. (And it will also reduce UTI contraction, from one in every 100 infants to one in every thousand infants. Big deal. I’ll take my chances, thanks.)

Celebrating the Fourth of July with Muslim Footstools and Piccolo Petes

(Seriously, support our “coutry”. It’s a great “privilage”. Don’t be an asshole. Video supplied by “raatikainen22”.)

Perhaps in some countries they celebrate a holiday like the Fourth of July. Perhaps Mexicans have the Cinco de Mayo. And maybe the French have Bastille Day, sure. But there is no holiday like the Fourth of July. Very few holidays exist solely for the purpose of blowing shit up.

OK, sure, so the Fourth of July is technically supposed to be about celebrating America’s independence from the British. We had a damn good reason to get away from Britain. First, the British have dental problems. This is not funny because it is true.

Second of all, the British like to start massive wars and then blame them on their colonies. For example, say you’re trying to figure out why the hell Iraq is made up of various people that don’t interact with one another in any meaningful way except via hand grenade, or why Iranians hate everybody. These things can all be blamed on British people, and the Ottomans, who were Muslim footstools that took over the entire Middle East until 1921. For example, Iraq got settled by the British after World War I because the British thought that the Iraqis were dirty savages who couldn’t take control of their own affairs. This gave the British the right to take over their entire culture and ruin their lives by putting all kinds of different groups in the Middle East into one “nation-state” they referred to as “Iraq”, apparently because they felt that “Land of Savage Sand People” was too long to say in normal conversation. They did the same thing with Iran, excepting that instead of having a “mandate” to civilize Iranian culture, they just took all their oil and pissed them off. So, one could argue that the state of the Middle East is partially–if mostly–to blame on the British. But, of course, it is the Americans that did this, according to Britain anyway, because, like I already said, Britain blames everything on its former colonies. Hell, by tomorrow I’ll bet they’ll start blaming the lead paint in Chinese stuff on Hong Kong.

(Note: If you are British and believe that I am an unfunny idiotic douche who doesn’t know what he’s talking about, please send me hate mail at I find it most entertaining.)

Anyway, so America had a damn good reason to leave Britain. Fledgling America, in an intense desire to “spread its wings” and “fly away” and “smack straight into the same old vat of shit Britain got itself into”, wanted to invade Iran and Iraq too. Just like old Mama Britain, except this time less racist and infinitely dumber.

The purpose of this post, however, is not to lambaste all the great things America has done for the world, writing pretentious anti-war messages as I go (such as NO LAND WARS IN ASIA YOU STUPID CONSERVATIVE HONKIES). This post is to talk about blowing shit up. Using explosives to fill the air with glowing embers and toxic chemicals is something America does best, as Iraq knows very well by now. And now I want to show you, as a typical white-trash American conservative, about how you, too, can blow shit up. And don’t worry: You don’t even need a gun permit to get fireworks. You can also leave your Klan uniform at home.

Step 1: Buy fireworks in huge boxes covered in American flags with names like “Freedom Fighter Explosives” and “Black Cat” and “FUCK IT LET’S KILL SOME NEIGHBORS.” These types of fireworks are generally bought by women at the supermarket so they can feel like good parents. They almost always include the following:

  • Cardboard tanks
  • Fountains with names like “Egyptian Bathing Princess”.
  • Fountains with names like “FREEDOM KILLERS”.
  • Sparklers, which can be used to set things on fire.
  • Little white bags filled with sand that nobody likes.
  • “Piccolo Petes”, which are obnoxiously loud but cause no major damage unless you use them properly.

Step 2: Buy bottle rockets, you big pussy. There is no better way to show off your retarded inner-American then by buying something that can be guaranteed to blow children’s fingers off or set your neighbor’s roof on fire. These are best accompanied by a handgun, which you fire off into the air like a moron so that all your neighbors know how much you care about our country. They can then call the authorities to express their gratitude.

Step 3: No All-American party is complete without at least three cases of liquor, steaks, ribs, other assorted meats, potato salad, and a big cake decorated to look like an American flag made out of cake. These are to ensure that by the time you get around to setting off your death candles, you’ll be drunk as a skunk and ready to celebrate your fat American ass off.

Step 4: Light your fireworks by putting your face right above them so if they malfunction you blow your face off. Almost every stupid person I’ve ever seen light a firework lights it via this time-tested method. I have no idea why. I always stand back a couple feet. To each his own.

Don’t forget to light a Black Cat next to your eardrum, so that you’ll lose your hearing for a week and cause permanent damage. Lighting a firecracker in your hand is a great way to blow your hands off. Don’t worry, you’ll probably make more off the lawsuit than you’d make actually using your hands anyway, considering how much of a moron you’d have to be to hold a lit firecracker.

(Also: Don’t worry if you accidentally grab a real black cat and light it on fire next to your ear. It will have the same effect, except that it will also claw your face off.)

Step 5: Shoot off the gun some more at twelve O’clock for no apparent reason. When the bullet comes down, you can be sure it won’t be your dumb ass that gets a slug of lead through his thick skull.

The rest of your extra-special Fourth of July should be obvious. For example, when little Billy gets bitten by a venomous snake or garden hose, you should take him to a hospital, while shooting your gun up into the air to call attention to law enforcement officials that you have driven your child to the hospital while drunk and wearing only your beer-stained undergarments. Extra points if the snake turns out to be the kind you get in the fireworks box that starts out as a little tablet and grows into this long ashy black thing. You will know it because the box it comes in will have ludicrous pictures of cobras on the outside with names like “FLASHING BLACK COBRA OF DEATH”.

That’s it for this year. I hope your Fourth of July can be as fun as you can make it while at Guantanamo Bay. Don’t keep Bubba waiting. He’s from Iran.