Post by Mike the Canadian Doctor: H1N1: Kicking the Swine Flu Habit

Hello everyone, eh? How’s it been going for you, eh? Well, for me it’s been going splendidly. I haven’t gotten none o’ dat Swine Flu we keep on hearing about in the news, and I’ve gotten some more patients, too! Apparently this swine flu thing is becoming a big deal for a bunch of people; some people are getting so scared they’re jumping off buildings to attempt to escape the flu. Others have attempted to set themselves afire.

Now, hosers, I’m gonna tell you da truth, and you listen good and clear: Killing yourself isn’t going to prevent the flu. The flu can strike even in death. Just recently the Grim Reaper got the swine flu. Then he died. Try n’ figure that out for yerself!

Here’s a little Q&A with ol’ Doctor Mike:

Q: Did Swine flu really come from people having sex with pigs?

A: Yes and no. The initial transmission of swine flu came when a farmer in Newfoundland made love to his prized porker Mary Belle. H1N1 was initially referred to by most Canadians as “the Newfoundland disease” because hey, you know, Newfies.

Q: What would happen if more man-pig transmissions occurred?

A: They would each be named using the HxNx nomenclature, except for each new case x would increase by one. For example, the second man-pig transmission would be referred to as H2N2, the third would be referred to as H3N3, and so on.

Q: What would happen if x reached over one-hundred?

A: Earth would get nuked from orbit. Come on people, we need to stop having sex with pigs!

Q: How can I keep from getting swine flu?

A: You can’t, there is no hope for you. If you die, it will follow you to the grave. If you trek to the farthest reaches of the Arctic tundra, the natives will have swine flu. If you go down to South America, earwigs will eat out your brains.

Q: Is there anything I can do to reduce the risk to myself and others?

A: Stay home for the rest of the year. Don’t try to go to work, there’s a chance you might give it to your coworkers.

Q: I don’t have it, though.

A: Yes you do. Everybody has the swine flu. The people with symptoms will just die sooner.

OK, that’s it for Doctor Mike’s Q&A. Now here’s a bulleted list.

Kicking the Swine Flu Habit

  • The habit is getting the swine flu.
  • Read Doctor Mike’s Q&A above. If you have forgotten what it says, read it again, several times if necessary.
  • Wear those silly looking face masks everywhere, and make sure to look really irritated and nervous when somebody coughs nearby.
  • Always make sure to notify passers-by how much Swine Flu scares you. This could keep them far enough away from you that they couldn’t spread their germs. Or they might cough on you out of spite. I don’t know.
  • If you live in Canada, remember that it is cold. This can either increase your risk of contracting the swine flu, or reduce it. The best way for Canadians to reduce their risk of contracting the swine flu is to live in an old shack in the middle of the uninhabited Arctic tundra, hundreds of miles away from all human life, living only on bear meat and the occasional stray caribou. Make sure that you don’t make love to the bears. If you think swine flu is bad, just wait till you get bear flu.
  • If you live in the United States, I don’t have any sympathy for you. You ungrateful swine get President Obama, where we’re stuck with Stephen Harper? And you don’t like him? If only we had black people in Canada.

The Story of Penis Mutilation in America: Circumcise Your Boys for Jesus and Protect them from French Prostitutes

The peoples of the world are defined by their ignorances. Some of the peoples of the world have tame ignorances, such as those of the Greeks who used to molest children for sport. Others have very interesting ignorances. For example, the Chinese liked to force their women to wear very tiny shoes so their feet would become deformed, because Chinese men are sexually attracted to women with deformities.

America is the nexus at which the various ignorances of the peoples of the world are brought together in a single unholy writhing mass of ignorance, hatred, bigotry, misogyny, and closed-mindedness. Being a nation of primarily unwashed honkies, America’s ignorances tend towards those of white trash, people who prefer their trucks big and who prefer their women drunk and willing at all times. These are people who hate science, who stone gays, and who hate vegetables, nutritious foods, and anybody who is not also white trash, including liberals, Hispanics, rich people of all kinds, intelligent people, and people who actually know what the hell is going on beyond Big Bubba’s Trailer Park Emporium and the local GMC dealership.

The one group which white trash loves besides other white trash is Jews. White trash loves Jews, or at least those who helped to write the Bible, a book which white trash holds dear in its white trash heart to make all of its decisions. Much white trash prefers to open up a Bible and pick a phrase at random to tell their fortune, in a ritual they refer to as “Bible dipping”. Then they go out and lynch fortune-tellers en masse because fortune-tellers get their powers from the Devil.

Fundamentalist Christians specifically fell in love with Jews, especially the nation of Israel. Israel is fundamentalist Christianity’s friend, because it gives fundamentalist Christians a convenient reason to bomb the shit out of people poorer and worse off than themselves, another white trash hobby. Christians fell so unremittingly in love with Jews, the Bible and fundamentalist religion that they consummated their relations with this religious trinity in an unholy buttsex orgy, resulting in a horrible fusion of all of these things which was so great that we still feel the results today, especially in our cocks.

The following is the story of how circumcision came to be. This story will explain to you why children have their dick skins cut off if they are born in the United States of America, land of the free, home of the ignorant fetid masses of the world.

Here’s why Americans circumcise their children.

Thousands of years ago Jews began to circumcise their children in the name of God. They did this so God would not smite them, or whatever shit people were coming up with back then. If you masturbated or didn’t cut the skin off your penis or had fun while having sex the Jewish God would torture you and kill you and send you to Hell.

Then, Jesus came to life as a corporeal representation of God. Jesus didn’t say dick about circumcision, except that his followers didn’t have to do it. Fuck that part, though, because he’s totally cool with it and such. After all, he was Jewish; he would be cool with the whole dick-skin sawing thing. He was a carpenter. One would assume he circumcised himself with a saw. A big fucking saw. Or a chisel. He probably chiseled his dick-skin off.

Then the Romans took over Christianity so the Jewish God wouldn’t destroy their Empire. The Jewish God destroyed their Empire anyway. He also tortured the Jews for various reasons.

By the early 19th century most people had stopped cutting off their children’s cock skins for various reasons. I have many theories on why this occurred. First off, it didn’t help peasant children work in the fields or work in the mines, and since they were probably going to die before they turned twelve months old it didn’t matter anyway. It’s not like they were going to get to lose their virginity or masturbate or anything. And if they did, who cared? This was Victorian England! Fuck happiness and sexual expression!

Second off, who gives a shit if poor children go to hell? It was the rich that mattered. Cutting off poor children’s dick skins was an unnecessary cost. The poor needed to fuck and fuck and fuck and reproduce like rabbits until the world was full to capacity of stupid children that nobody could take care of, and it wouldn’t matter, because the unnecessary vagina droppings could die of starvation. And all of them could go to hell because they got to keep the twenty thousand nerve endings men have on their cock skin, and after the obligatory hard work for rich white people that don’t give a shit about anybody or anything but themselves it wouldn’t matter. They’d been used. Their purpose was fulfilled. Circumcision was unnecessary.

Then America got to work, and John Harvey Kellogg threw his hat into the ring and decided that circumcision would help keep young boys and men from masturbating. Obviously. You slice skin off a dick and it becomes a little bit harder to get off.

But that’s a good thing! Fuck getting off! It’s not important! What is important is being pure. Meanwhile chugging down alcohol while beating your children and wife and killing brown people in foreign countries and beating black people to death and forcing your lifestyle down the throats of everybody else. Jacking off is the problem. Cooling off with porn after work is bad. Beating your children and wife is the right way to handle stress.

Most people with a brain in their head ignored Kellogg, because corn flakes suck and so did John Harvey Kellogg, who was a lunatic. FUCK JOHN HARVEY KELLOGG AND HIS SHITTY CEREAL.

Seriously.

Anyway, so then we go to war. We blow the everliving shit out of a bunch of European countries who were led around by a lunatic for reasons which have never really been explained. (And those same countries did whatever this lunatic wanted them to, which I’ve also never really understood.)

Our soldiers were fucking left and right throughout all this war. They fucked every Parisian hooker in sight, and get this, they started getting STDs.

Gee, I wonder why.

Maybe if the soldiers kept it in their fucking pants and waited till they got home to their girlfriends, they wouldn’t have had to cut their cock skin off to protect themselves against STDs.

But no, and so they took the Jew route so they wouldn’t get the clap.

This–American troops having unprotected sex with hookers–is the primary reason children are circumcised in America today. GIs brought the practice home with them as a method of decreasing STD transmission. In addition, intact children must have their private parts cleaned thoroughly, and American parents are both too lazy and too prudish to touch a baby’s penis to ensure he doesn’t get a urinary tract infection.

And thus are American children circumcised in the name of Jesus who said his followers didn’t have to get circumcisions, to protect them from hookers and UTIs.

Children who are circumcised never get a choice, never go back, nada. Twenty thousand nerve endings and most of the penis’ sensitivity are out the window with a snip-snip-snip and a whoop-de-doodle. The foreskin can never be replaced. Men that lose it never fully feel sex ever again, and are permanently less sensitive.

In simple terms, the foreskin is what feels most of the secks. Americans started circumcising kids so men couldn’t feel sex and wouldn’t want to have it as much. Period. That’s why Americans circumcise their kids. That’s why Abraham did it, that’s why fundie Christians do it, that’s why it’s done. So men can’t enjoy sex as much and won’t do it anymore.

In frank terms, America doesn’t give a shit. Why should it? We’re talking about a country that considers Coca Cola with high fructose corn syrup to be equal to sugar Coke. These people will never care, because they are desensitized to all outside stimuli, whether it be oral, anal, or penile. So I suppose, keep doing what you’re doing, America. Because you’re Christians. Because you don’t like sex.

Because you know, in your heart of hearts, that your kids are going to go fuck some French hookers.

Sources:

Father Magazine, “The Historical Basis for Child Circumcision in America.” 1996. http://www.fathermag.com/health/circ/historical.shtml

San Francisco Gate. “The Mommy Files: CDC Considers Promoting Circumcision.” August 24, 2009. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfmoms/detail?entry_id=46066 (Yes, it is true, the practice is 60% effective in prevention of HIV. Pbbbbfffh. As you fundies always like to say, the best protection against HIV is abstinence. Isn’t saying circumcision prevents STDs just going to encourage circumcised kids to have more sex?)

American Academy of Pediatrics. Statements on Circumcision and Urinary Tract Infection. http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1477524 (And it will also reduce UTI contraction, from one in every 100 infants to one in every thousand infants. Big deal. I’ll take my chances, thanks.)

Post By Mike the Canadian Doctor

Hey, everybody! I’m sure you remember me, eh? Yeppers, it’s been a good few months. Let me tell you about what’s been going on at my doctor’s office! Eh!

So, anyway, I just got my Canadian Hockey Stick from the Prime Minister, y’know, and I hung it on my wall just to show every hoser here how Canadian I am. Eh. A lot of people don’t realize I’m Canadian. They think that Canadians are people who wear plaid and have weird heads that flap around like on your South Park here in the States. I’m just here to remind everyone that Canadian stereotypes are just wrong, eh? Know what I mean, hoser?

So anyway, business has been good. I’m gettin’ some perscription drugs from Canada, and people are beating down my door. They want that good ol’ Canadian drug! Plus, since farming marijuana is illegal here in the Luigiian Republic, but selling it isn’t, I’ve been getting all sorts of orders from all over the city! Red and Green’s General Store seems ‘specially happy–they haven’t sold this much whipped cream since the Porno Convention came to town, you know how they put that there cream on their privates, eh, hosers?

So everything seems happy. I even got a hit to one of my posts–somebody was searching for “canadian doctor” and found me here. I’ll bet he got one heckuva happy surprise, eh?

‘Course, not ever’thing’s good. Whoever stole my doctor’s coats needs ta give ’em back. Y’see, guys, I used the coats while administering chemo to one of my patients, and some of it spilled all over the coats, meaning that now they’re radioactive. It don’t mean yer in any danger, but I’ve heard that such a thing can make ya glow! Eh! So please give ’em back!

Anyway, ‘at’s about it. Keep yer sticks on the ice, hosers.

Post by Mike the Canadian Doctor

You know, I’ve heard very much about the internet fad, and I’ve also worked quite a bit on it (Santa Muerte’s healthcare system is centered around the Internet), and so I’ve decided to talk about healthcare pitfalls the average person gets into several times per minute, eh. So, let’s discuss how you can get fit and thin the Canadian way, which means by not eating from McDonald’s every day.

First, it’s best to get plenty of air. For example, you would not want to get on the Space Shuttle, open up the airlock and go for a spacewalk naked, because that would be an area where you would get very little air. A much better idea is to go ahead and take a walk around your neighborhood naked. This way, you get plenty of air; sometimes, you even get to take a ride in a police car! It’s a great way to get exercise and scare neighbors away.

Next off, you shouldn’t eat too much. Eating too much can make your stomach explode or make you fat. This fat could get in the way if you were to ever be attacked by rabid dogs. I’ve even heard reports that eating too much can cause a medical condition called “plaque”, which is this disgusting stuff that sticks to your teeth. This is enough to keep me from eating too much, and it’s also why I fast at least once per month, although I’ve also heard that you can just brush your teeth to get off this evil substance, so you might just consider eating that burger and just brushing your teeth afterwards.

Remember that good health is the key to success and getting girlfriends, because if you have any sort of disgusting health problem, for example that you don’t bathe or blow your nose so much that your pocket gets wet from holding all those Kleenexes and you have to begin using notebook paper from your notebook, people won’t like you, and you’ll never get to lose your virginity. EVER.