History

Introduction: Legoredo and Littletown, Littletown being the Only First Luigiian Colony

The great nation of the Luigiian Republic has a long and illustrious history, one which spans the ages of many cultures, and has stories of conquering, death and adventure, but mostly conquering and death. The earliest history starts with native Luigiians, whose story was cut short by explorers from other lands.

Although in previous years our knowledge of these primitive peoples was limited, we now know how horrible we were and how we should all die for destroying the many diverse natives who lived here before us, killing each other and destroying each others’ livelihoods before we came and killed all of them and destroyed all of their livelihoods. Nevertheless, we will not leave, because then it might be difficult for us, because we here at the History Department of the Luigiville Museum have our 2000-square-foot ranch houses and 8 mpg SUVs on lands previously held by native Luigiians.

The earliest peoples to the area now known as the Luigiian Republic were the Erector and Lincoln Log people, the latter named for their odd tendency to build structures of wooden logs, which mysteriously appeared from nowhere all the time. These peoples lived together in peace for thousands of years before any other outsiders came.

Then, of course, came the Pirates and Imperials, but mostly pirates. These people came over to the land, killing and maiming both the Lincoln Log and Erector peoples, taking their lands, and generally causing trouble. They set fire to the old Lincoln Log homes and melted all the Erector pieces. Then they enslaved all the people they didn’t kill. These explorers came to find gold in the area, but once they did not they almost starved. Many resorted to cannibalism, and nearly all died in tremendous amounts. Once they got through this time, they immediately killed more natives, out of spite. They also tried to convert some of these people to their religion, “Brickism”, and get the natives to give them their gold by using weapons and forcing them into submission. Today, we realize that this manner of thinking is the incorrect way to accomplish such a thing (see Chapter 14, “War on Terrorism”).

These pirates created a new colony for their native Mushroom Kingdom, “Legoredo”, and of course, the natives started revolts. They attempted to escape, but the pirates, showing great restraint, killed all those who tried. They also killed women and children, showing their Brickist beliefs in love and compassion for others.

But, of course, that is not where Luigiville’s history resides. Nay, for that we must go further north, where a hardy band of weary, pious, and hard-working peoples hijacked a boat and stole off to the New Land. They also almost starved, but, to their credit, they rarely ate each other, as the pirates did. They found a friendly Lincoln Log person, who taught them his ways. Then they killed him after celebrating. These people founded “Littletown”, the earliest Luigiian colony, as long as you don’t count Legoredo, which you should not. They also made the forerunner to the Luigiian constitution, which has special rights for all people, including freedom of speech and religion. Their “Brickflower Compact” reads as follows:

# As longe as ye say not that which we findeth Evil or otherwise Foul, ye shalt Not Die;

# As longe as ye believeth exactly as we do, we shalt not burn ye to Deathe.

In this colony we find the true forerunner to our modern Luigiian Republic. These settlers represent our nation today. In the next chapter, we will discuss how the Legoredo Colony settlers and Littletown settlers joined together to drive yet more natives off their land.

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The Beginning: The Rise and Fall of Littleton, and the Birth of the Lego City

Luigiville, a city of the famed “Mushroom Kingdom Bloc”, was founded in 1997 by Lupe the Lobo, who has changed his real name for fear of being assassinated by Bowserlandian mercenaries. At the time, it was known only as “Lego City”. Although “Mayor Lupe” was concerned about the name (because, like, every Lego city is named “Lego City”, and that would be conformist), it was the least of his worries.

At the time, Lupe was mayor of two different cities, each with its own style. (Governor’s name)ville (later renamed Littleton) was the one most of its residents thought would succeed. Its paper construction was felt to be cheaper and easier to build than more difficult Lego City.

That wasn’t all. At the time, residents were quite enamored with video games. Indeed, the very idea of a Lego City was inspired by SimCity 2000. This further reduced the amount of time Lupe could work with. And, a city like Lego City, which required large amounts of time to find just the right bricks, required a huge amount of time, which Lupe didn’t want to put in, because he was a little kid and little kids are hyperactive because they play video games, which give them brain damage. These two factors–lack of time and the rise of Littleton–sent Lego City into a tailspin. Throughout 1997 and well into 1998, Lego City was messy, and its buildings were small and uninspired.

Lego City, however, had the power of weapons. With powerful technology they set fire to Littleton, setting its paper citizens on fire, and killing innocent women and children.

Lego City, after it set fire to Littleton, was the nicer place to live. With a much higher population than Littleton (remember, the fire), the city had a much better population-to-land ratio. It was built upon a large pool table used by humans, but, as it grew, the city proved that it was much larger than the pool table would allow. Its additions were built on even more unstable ground, and were almost never permanent. Lego people often fell off these areas, which wasn’t as bad as it seemed, unless someone stepped on them, in which case they often had to get little versions of those metal prosthetic hands that people get when they get their hands chopped off, if you get our drift.

Nevertheless, the city was still a nice place to live. A small new city, named “(Governor’s younger cousin)ville” or “Marioville”, took the southern area in 1997. This area, containing the residential section of the city, was quite large, but Marioville never took over the entire city, and would not last, because its mayor, named “(something you shall not know)” or “the source of all evil”, was even younger than Lupe, and played twice as many video games. He now regularly plays Sega games, sadly enough.

Littleton would later be destroyed by Bowserlandians (because of its paper construction) in 1998. Oh, wait, we already said it was destroyed by the Lego people. Well, okay, sort of, but still, Bowserland must have had something to do with it, because they are evil turtles. Wait, no; the Goombas aren’t. Well, what about the Koopas? Or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? There will be a brief quiz on this chapter at the end of this chapter.

“The Fall of Littleton” left a huge gap near the Luigi River Valley, named for Luigi Mario of the Super Mario Brothers video game series, made by Nintendo, whose games are not only fun, but also prevent cancer. Lego City was becoming a problem, as its construction was near a television watched by the humans, so whenever the humans told the Lego people to shut the hell up, they had better have damn well shut the hell up, or else the mother human might set fire to the city, or just kill Lupe and his cousin, if you happen to get our drift. Mayor Lupe was doubtful as to whether the city would ever be moved, so he was thrilled when the city was moved that year.

At the time, its wooden base was considered revolutionary in the MK Bloc. Built on the western side of the Luigi River (as opposed to Littleton’s eastern orientation), it was placed on a 32-inch base, to protect it from Bowserlandian, Littleton settlers (who might try to set fire to Luigiville as revenge), and centipede attack. This basic board is still the base used today, although many question what would happen if a fire ever struck the baseboards, like, say, if the Littleton settlers ever came back.

At about this time, the original name was changed. Mayor Lupe felt that “Lego City” just wasn’t a good name. He tried Littleton and Lupeville, but it just didn’t work. He finally came up with a name that showed the city’s video gaming history: Luigiville. Or Felicity. Or whatever the hell its name is.

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