Eric W. Schwartz, in case you’ve never heard of him, is the kind of Internet guy that’s so incredibly, disgustingly fucked-up beyond all reason that even pedophiles and lowly webcomic artists look down on him in disgust. He’s so fat he makes you feel like if you punch him in the stomach like he deserves your hand will get stuck in between the rolls of fat and never be able to escape. He’s like an old rotten moldy orange, putrid and spreading his grubby fingers of slime and mold across the dark and festering landscape that is the Internet.
Every website that has ever existed on the whole entire Internet has posted an article about this man, his webcomic Sabrina Online, his obsession with Amiga computer software, and his big fat ass. Yet it will never be enough. Not until he finally decides to pucker up his asshole and stop secreting the shitpile that is Sabrina Online, and finally realizes that he is a big fat pile of worthless who masturbates to Tiny Toon Adventures hentai.
I speak for the entire Internet when I say this, Eric W. Schwartz: Get a diet, get a goddamn career, and stop masturbating to skunk cartoons.
What’s that you say? Masturbates to skunk cartoons? Why yes. Yes, Eric W. Schwartz masturbates to fucking skunk cartoons. He masturbates to cartoon skunks fucking. Sometimes he’ll fuck a skunk cartoon by putting his soft fleshlight in between his mattresses and sticking his pecker in there while watching Tiny Toon Adventures (and yes he has many mattresses, because his fat ass has crushed them all to a microscopic size and he must pile them one on top of the other).
Eric W. Schwartz is a big fat furry that loves to masturbate to cartoons of skunks fucking, especially when one of those skunks is his own character Sabrina, who happens to be his imaginary girlfriend. He will only show pictures of her naked to his closest friends, because she is his girlfriend and if he just let her show the goods to anybody she wouldn’t be special any more, she would just be another cartoon skunk out there looking for a quick screw followed by dinner and a movie.
This is much the same thing that another big fat furry piece of shit, “Chalosan” of the webcomic Las Lindas, did when he posted a picture of one of his characters diving into water wearing her underwear, titled “Skinny Dipping”. He explained that he originally drew her naked, but only showed that one to a friend as a birthday present. Again, furries, giving porn to each other as birthday presents and then censoring it if anybody else tries to see. Not to mention that they’re all socially-retarded fatties. Just thought I’d remind them of that.
Anyway, back to Eric Schwartz and his obsession with naked skunks. For his closest fans, Schwartz has created a website called Fur After Dark, wherein they pay ten dollars and are treated to pornography of anthropomorphic animal “furry” characters that other artists draw better. Of course, Sabrina is not featured. She is too special to be a porno star.
Sabrina is also the mascot for her own computer operating system, did I mention that? She is the (un)official mascot for an operating system called Amiga OS, which is like Windows only twenty-five years old and used only by people that just can’t escape the incredible pull of the eighties. While I do enjoy a quick listen of a Journey song or some Police every now and then, I draw the line at using a computer manufactured when Reagan was in office. Jesus Christ, back then we were talking about sending lasers into space for fuck’s sake. America Online was called Quantum Computer Services and was just as shitty as it is now. Face it, we’ve moved on. Fuck off and enter the Goddamn twenty-first century.
Sabrina’s (and Schwartz’) heyday was 1985. At this point, Schwartz is the cartoonist equivalent of Phil Collins, losing his hearing and incapable of moving beyond his old hits. Only he makes it worse because he draws furry porn. Oh God the furry porn Eric Schwartz draws. Do you want me to tell you about it? Let me tell you about Schwartz’ furry porn.
To begin with, furries are people obsessed with anthropomorphics. It’s not really as exotic as it sounds. It sounds like they’re fascinated with the age-old connection humans draw between themselves and animals as expressed by centaurs and the Sphinx, but in reality it translates into a bunch of fat sweaty nerds gathering to dress up in sports mascot costumes. If furries dressed up like realistic centaurs and wolf-men, or had a few of those Chinese dragons like they have running about Beijing during the Chinese New Year, it could be badass in a nerdy sort of way.
But no. Instead almost all of it is Balto and Mickey Mouse and (especially) Tiny Toon Adventures. There is enough Minerva Mink fanart on the Internet to stretch across the Earth and into Hell and back, and most of it is of her either naked or covered in … well, let’s not discuss it.
This is what Schwartz does. Under an assumed name (T.D.K., apparently short for “The Disgusting sKunkfucker) he drew pictures of well known childrens’ cartoon characters like Minerva Mink getting raped by tentacles, dildos, and humans that are much larger than they are and should know better. His cartoon skunk furries and their pornographic misadventures are why furries are called “skunkfuckers”. Well, they aren’t often called that actually, but they should be.
Schwartz, a.k.a. TDK, is a fat fucked-up skunkfucker of the highest order. His mind is full of skunkfucking, his fingers and cock itch for skunkfucking, he longs for cartoon skunk vagina; yet it is cartoon skunk vagina he can never have, because cartoons are not real. So yiff in Hell, Eric W. Schwartz. You will never have what you want, and thank God for that.