Yesterday I felt like a quick snack before bed, so I got a pickle and a block of cheese. When I went to slice off a piece, I read the package. It said, “Baby loaf.” I immediately lost my appetite. Sorry, I don’t feel like eating a slice of baby loaf. I’m against eating babies, and their loafs for that matter.
I think packaging and food alike are conspiring to try to make Americans less fat by using names that sound unappetizing. Not that I’m against this goal. I mean, when almost half the entire country is as round as a small planet, I think it’s safe to say that anything that keeps people out of the fridge is a good thing. But still. I’m not fat. Therefore, I want them to give me different packaging.
There’s a lot of things to say about packaging, which I will get to some other day when I have the time. But when we get around to fixing our current culinary situation, here are a few things to start with.
- Please no references to bodily functions. There is only one thing that should be called a “loaf”, and that’s a loaf of bread. Any sort of “loaf” that is pinched off-a sausage loaf, for example, where you pinch off the ends–should be renamed, because it makes me heave. It might also behoove us to rename meatloaf, and cheese loafs. Especially since you have to cut the cheese loaf. I don’t want to be reminded in the name of what I’m going to be doing after eating one of these products.
- Pumpernickel means “devil’s fart” in German. No, seriously, look it up. We need to rename this. I don’t want devil’s fart bread. That’s about as appetizing as naming chocolate pudding “Satan’s Cum”. Which incidentally I don’t want to eat either.
- Angel food and devil’s food are both terrible names. Devil’s food tastes way too good to be named after Satan. Angel food is overly sweetened shit. And isn’t the name racist anyway? We name the dark-colored food after the Devil and the white-colored food after angels? Gimme a break. This has been stated before by just about everybody, but cut the racist shitty names. I think we should name angel’s food cake “shitty cake” and name Devil’s food cake “good cake”. Cut the bullshit.
- German chocolate cake is not named after Germany, it’s named after the person that made it. It’s named after the chocolate they make it out of, namely, Baker’s German’s Sweet Chocolate. Baker’s was the company, it was made by a guy named German and it was sweet chocolate. It should be called “German’s Chocolate Cake.” It’s his fucking chocolate, give the man some respect.
- Same thing with Baker’s chocolate. Named after a guy named Baker. The guy that made it. That’s why the apostrophe is before the “s” and not after it. These guys should have been given better names.
- A pickle merchant discovered America. So why can’t I get any pickles named after Amerigo Vespucci?
- By the same token, why did we name American cheese after a continent named after a pickle merchant?
- Caesar salad is not named after Julius Caesar, it’s named after Caesar Cadini, an Italian-born Mexican. I think somebody should tell this to the Newman’s Own guy, so he stops making an ass of himself by dressing as Julius Caesar on his bottles of Caesar dressing. Unless Caesar Cadini got off on wearing olive wreaths and togas. Hell if I know.
- And I propose for the betterment of humanity that gefilte fish, lutefisk, high-fructose corn syrup, “natural” food, tofu, anything made of or with tofu, Arby’s, food made out of brains, and food made out of animal testicles or reproductive organs should be stricken from the known universe.
That’s it for now. Remember this overall: We’ve gotta remind these food companies that they make food for us. If we don’t constantly keep them on the right track, one of these days they might go off and name some good iced tea Nestle Piss, or make a new line of chocolate treats named Shitheads. Don’t let ’em tell you what to eat. Give it the name it really deserves. Remember: It doesn’t matter if it’s Aunt Jemima or Betty Crocker, if it tastes like shit there’s only one word that you should use to describe it.