Striking News For All LoopyLines Readers: You Now May Exist In Some Meaningful Way

I have striking news for LoopyLines’ reader base:

  • LoopyLines now officially has a reader base, consisting of my cousin, Josh, and his close circle of friends at Cibola High School. Before this it was rumored, in such sweet and loving souls as Shari “Sha-Sha” “The cute girl who sometimes comes on here” *icantstatesharisreallastnameonthissite*, that I might have something approaching a reader base. In fact, many others who emailed me expressing their displeasure in me that I would dare say that Maddox sucks often reminded me of my reader base by stating that I could not have the reader base of Maddox unless I put up at least three advertisements per Internet page linking directly to my site, and even then they would have to advertise a furry porn site named “GiantHorseWeiners.com”, which as everybody knows is the best furry porn website on the whole entire Internet.
  • OK, I lied. The best furry porn website on the whole entire Internet is
  • Okay! So apparently my censors tell me I need to talk about something besides furry porn. This is a great disappointment to me, as I find furry porn to be among the funniest subjects on the Internet right behind Chuck Norris and the French, but not quite as funny as porn starring Alex Trebek making love to Unicron from the Transformers series. So anyway, I shall move on to my next subject, which conveniently will be right after the next bullet point in this bulleted list.
  • I’m currently working on an article, entitled *danger*, which will dramatically attempt to associate Type 1a supernovas with miscarriages. You see, I have read Ctrl-Alt-Delete’s groundbreaking comic regarding miscarriages, in which protagonist Ethan, immediately after finding out that his beautiful girlfriend Lilah has suffered a miscarriage, punches her in the stomach and begins screaming about how he won’t get cake at their wedding as Lilah slowly drowns in a pool of her own blood. Thus, I feel it my prerogative to attempt to portray miscarriages in a more sophisticated way, such as by demonstrating the powerful, avant-garde message of post-modernist femininity that miscarriage actually hurts a woman in some meaningful way. I will do this in a way only an obnoxious twenty-year-old Internet-surfing male can: By including words such as *QUEEF* and *COOTER*, so that fourteen-year-old boys will not attack me for being an obnoxious bloodsucking feminist.
  • I will also detail something else very soon. I realize that I am very much off-schedule in making updates to LoopyLines, at least partially because all of my teachers are evil scumbags who like nothing more than giving me assignments detailing things such as the “inverse derivative”, a concept which I will likely never use in my entire life, except for when I begin working on my plan to make Lego figure robots that will do my bidding, and even then I’ll probably get the algebra wrong.

So anyway, that’s my plan for the upcoming weeks. Log in next week, when I finally start to care again.

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