I am left without a post for this week. For those of you who have read any of the things I have written on my site, you will realize that this is unusual. I am usually quite prompt in my writings, updating every nine days on average. You see, after I am done taking in the latest Internet pornography, sleeping, and eating, I can usually find perhaps ten minutes to dash off some half-assed post which others on the Internet can then ridicule to their heart’s content. This ridicule is the extent of the humor I have put on my website.
You may be wondering why I am writing this, and what sort of ridicule I will incur, and whether this ridicule will serve as a source of entertainment for us all, and what excuses I have for this post. The first of my excuses I find to be quite satisfactory: My uncle has died. His name was Jim, and he lived in Ingleside, Texas. His primary two activities, prior to his death anyway, were lying down on the couch watching old movies and sometimes spitting chewing tobacco into a plastic milk bottle. I have found that many old people spend their last days in some similar arrangement to this. There is some shaking up of this formula, with some choosing to lie in a bed, and others attempting to remain “youthful” and “energetic” and “young at heart” by watching MTV. Unfortunately, the latter people take much longer to die, and thus we must see them attempt to look like Britney Spears if her skin were stretched out on a giant rack and then allowed to rest primarily in wrinkly patches on her knees.
Jim was a good uncle, unlike those poor misguided MTV viewers over the age of sixty. He watched TV Land like any good older person, and it pains me to state with certainty that I will be unable to witness his funeral in Ingleside, as I live in New Mexico, approximately a bazillion miles away by my conservative estimate, and have many assignments I must finish before Thanksgiving. (To those family members I have in Ingleside, I apologize for not being there, and I send my love and condolences, in the only way I can: Through this obnoxious blog.) My large amount of unfinished assignments is my second excuse for not having written a proper article for this week. You see, I must write one five-page report for a class called “Quarks, Quasars and Quiddities”, which is named after the Jeopardy! category of the same name. In this class, there are four primary topics:
- How stupid ancient humans and Christians were.
- How the Universe started.
- How it continues.
- Why Jared Diamond is an asshole.
If you have ever read Jared Diamond, whose books include such enlightening tomes as Guns, Germs, and Why I Hate Europeans, and You are a Monkey That’s Going to Destroy Planet Earth, you know exactly what I mean. I plan on writing a book on the subject, entitled Why Jared Diamond Is an Asshole: The Ivory-Billed Woodpecker Can Kiss My Ass, as soon as I am finished with my expedition to tropical New Guinea to search for beautiful big-breasted islanders that turn out to be old fat islander women with husbands. I shall make this the opening anecdote for one of my thoughtful, engaging chapters.
Speaking of the Universe, it continues at a glacial pace. While I attempt to wipe the scratches off my glasses, which are approximately as clear and clean as the bottom of an old Coke bottle dragged on a cement floor, I am reminded, as just one example of the slow pace of the Universe, of the current situation at General Motors. In case you have been inside of a cave with your eyes shut and your fingers in your ears for the past thirty five years, General Motors is currently “beleagured” by debt and inept management and will be shut down by next Thursday. I have been waiting on an auto website called the Truth About Cars for months now, waiting for them to finally announce the end. It is sort of a morbid curiosity of mine. They are the creators of a series of essays called the “GM Deathwatch”, in which they tally the amount of workers General Motors is currently being forced to employ by the watchful hand of Ronald Gettelfinger, whose name is possibly the funniest in the history of American unions.
I am waiting for something to happen so I will know whether I can buy a Chevrolet Colorado yet. I have been waiting for quite a while to pick up one of these beauties. It is a four-cylinder deathtrap of a pickup truck which is capable of hitting a moose at 50 miles per hour with the occupants sustaining only serious injuries. It can also tow a ham sandwich if all the occupants, including the driver, get out and push. Once I know whether Rick Wagoner, the CEO of General Motors, has been put in stocks in front of Congress yet, I will decide upon whether it would be sensible to buy this vehicle. I have sent General Motors an email asking whether the truck can tow more than the Toyota Tacoma. I expect an unbiased response.
Until I get my response from General Motors on the towing capacity of the Colorado, I will be forced to continue reading reports about the Canadian Grand Prix, which has apparently shut down; and watch as Autoblog forum poster “Torrent” has a meltdown as he tells his fellow posters how deeply he cares about their opinions regarding his Autoblog commentary. “Torrent”, you have my condolences as well, assuming your uncle has died. I may also try to help you get that Chevy Camaro you’ve always wanted.
So there you have it. I have positively zero ability to write an article or finish a sentence without leading into a boring, introverted essay with far too many words. If you will recall, this article is supposed to be about why I couldn’t write an article for this week. It is 1056 words long, and if you’ve read this far, probably feels more like ten thousand. Such is my writing style. I copied it from Jared Diamond. Excuse me while I finish this diagram detailing the spread of the word “fart” from Proto-Indo European. Yes, in case you didn’t know, I am indeed quite clever.