Today we are going to discuss the upcoming Presidential elections. Yes, I know. This is a difficult thing to discuss, seeing as how we already have at least 99% of all available television air time going in to airing political advertisements, and 100% of all blogs running at full force to discuss why Obama will steal all our guns and McCain is going to atomize the planet Earth and anybody who votes otherwise is throwing their vote away. I realize that the vast majority of you, by now, have not read or checked a damned thing about either of the candidates, seeing as how you have seen enough of them already on television and if you see one more damn political advertisement you are going to flagrantly disobey the ban on automatic weapons and take out an entire city block in Washington, or possibly Illinois, or Arizona, depending on your candidate of choice.
However, there are issues in this election that need to be discussed. For example, flip flops. Now, I tend to take the view that flip flops are basically something that you wear at home, specifically when it is hot and you do not have the Pope coming over for dinner. My viewpoint on this is that it is sometimes OK for women to wear flip flops in public, assuming that they have worked on their feet in some way at least once in the past decade, and it is OK for men to as well, even if it proves that they are certifiable Froot-Loops who will likely get a gay marriage in Taxachusetts and then participate in a rousing show tune with the San Francisco Boys’ Choir. In order to offend conservatives, therefore, I wear flip flops as often as I can.
Some people, however, take a radicalist viewpoint regarding flip flops, such as the man who runs the website ihateflipflops.blogspot.com. What this man does is, he says he is disgusted by feet and then spends the rest of the day staring at peoples’ feet and taking pictures of peoples’ feet and then, after he is done looking at feet all day long, he writes a post about how he does not want to look at feet anymore and will kill the next bastard that shows him their feet. He has done this until 2006. I am not certain if his computer account is registered at Healthpoint Mental Hospital or not, but I will be certain to alert you as I get more information. What I do know is that he has a large group of supporting radicalists regarding the flip flop issue, who are now working to keep hatred of flip flops alive and well. Be very afraid, flip flop wearers! There are people out there who hate you and want to kill you!
The next major issue that needs to be discussed in this Presidential election is what to do with Israel. Now, I take the viewpoint that the Israeli people need to move from Israel to a nicer place, perhaps a previously-uninhabited island in the Caribbean, and be given unlimited access to marijuana and rum drinks so that they can try to get over the Holocaust and forget about the fact that random groups of people hate them and their entire culture for no apparent reason. Because what we have going on right now, regardless of whether Jesus lived there or not, is not helping. I am uncertain what person believed the current state of Israel was the right thing to do after the Holocaust, but I’m assuming it had something to do with the aforementioned marijuana and rum:
“Gee, Jacob, I think it would be great to find a new home after the Holocaust where people don’t hate us!”
“Of course, Gabriel, but where do you propose we go?”
“Hmmm…. Wait! I’ve got it! We’ll move back to the Promised Land!”
“Yes, that’s perfect! That way we can be sure our neighbors will hate us and attempt to kill us all!”
“And there could even be a nuclear Holocaust next, once the Arabs get nuclear weapons! This is the greatest idea we’ve ever had! Pass me the joint.”
We have two options regarding Israel: The first option, of course, is that we can evacuate the Israelis from the area, and deposit them in an exact replica of the Promised Land, possibly in Jamaica, or perhaps California, where there are mostly nonthreatening hippies, assuming that we first move Mel Gibson out. Our second option is to protect them, using the focii of our next major issue, namely, guns.
Guns are dangerous things which you point at people and press a little trigger on, and when you do this, a metallic object will shoot out one end, at high speed, and insert itself into other people and some animal species, often causing death. As with most issues, two sides have taken their stand and are now fighting to see who can yell the loudest and most obnoxiously. The Republicans, having been cursed to walk the earth as Republicans, wish to ensure that anybody, including Bobby Jim Bob Bakker of Swamp City, Arkansas, has the ability to legally own an Arab-Killer Super Duper Patriot 9000 Assault Rifle; and the Democrats, being the Party of Liberty and Freedom and Democracy, want to make sure that the Second Amendment is cut out of the Constitution and set on fire. Both sides will continue to yell and scream and make hooting noises until approximately the end of time.
As for the election: Nothing of importance will happen regardless of who is elected, except that America will collapse and everybody will go bankrupt and get molested by the Chinese and then die from infection and AIDS and cancer and lead paint and certain types of broccoli. And it’s all because I chose to buy flip flops because I am no longer sexually insecure. I’m so disillusioned, I’m going to vote for Eisenhower. Hey, something has to be done.
Also: Yes, I am aware at this point that standard protocol on any “humorous” website is to include Barackroll somehow. I will not do that, because I am tired of it. Instead, you get this: