Quick Review: Mercedes-Benz Internal Corporate Propaganda Video

Do you ever wonder what the funniest internal corporate propaganda video ever made looks like? ‘Cause guess what? The guys at TTAC and Autoblog have found it. I give you:

Sometimes in a corporation’s life, it has a life-affirming question it must ask. “Will I go after Toyota, or will I put out a corporate-propaganda video that pretends I’m better than Toyota?” Mercedes has chosen the latter route, and that will make all the difference. I like to think that, for time immemorial, when a man goes to his local dealership, and sees all those shiny cars, with their shiny headlights and shiny hood ornaments and shiny windows and just everything generally as shiny as possible, including the dealer’s bald head, he’ll look at that car, and when it’s time for him to write out that check, the thing on his mind is: that video. And then he’ll go set the car on fire, because he knows these people made it.

Who does this guy think he is anyway? I’m guessing Audi, because of the text on the bottom left saying “Audi bye bye”. At least, that’s what I’m hoping. Please, singer bye bye. Audi I can live with. I’m assuming you probably couldn’t even watch thirty seconds of the video (and just think, Mercedes-Benz employees had to watch the whole video, four and a half minutes long!). I won’t force you to look at it again. You can thank me later. I know. Feel free to cry. It’s OK. It’s going to be OK. Yeah, go ahead and let your emotions out. We all wept for humanity when we saw the video. There you go. Anyway, you might think he’s just some random rich white kid the executives drug out of the local Hot Topic (he might be, don’t get me wrong), but he’s actually the lead singer for the music* too. Imagine that! A likely Dragonforce fan makes horrible music*! My God, I never could have guessed!

(Just so you know, I did guess it was Dragonforce. Yeah, I’m a badass.)

*I would call it “aural holocaust”, but this would probably be offensive both to Jews and Nazis**.
**P.S. also U2 and Bono.

I think the part that sold this video for me is when they get to the “We make the Japs cry” part. It isn’t so much that it’s funny, it’s that it shows how disconnected from reality corporations like Mercedes-Benz really are. Mercedes-Benz makes the Japs cry? Really? Yeah, guys, I’m sure Toyota’s just shaking in its shoes as the number one automaker on Earth, with ten billion dollars in cash that it could literally use to build anything, when it thinks about you. “AHHHH OH JESUS NO MERCEDES-BENZ IS GOING TO DESTROY US WITH ITS SUPERIOR GERMAN ENGINEERING AHHHHHHHHhahahaha oh wait my brain went out again. Silly me.”

Then in the end the employees make a giant Mercedes-Benz logo, redefining pathetic in one fell swoop. Underneath the human logo is the slogan “THAT’S HOW WE BEAT THEM ALL.”

I like to think Hitler made them do this. Hell, maybe he did. I don’t really know. But, what I do know, is that this “motivational” video is yet one more indicator that Germany’s not done with racism and fascism yet. From the folks that gave you Hitler’s car, we give you… more Hitler’s car. “WE MAKE THE SLANTY-EYED PEOPLE CRY ROTFL!”

What I’m saying is, it’s hilariously stupid racism, but it’s still racism. Sorry guys. And for those of you pathetic losers that actually bought a Mercedes-Benz, remember–your money went into this. It isn’t like Mercedes just made a big pile of cash materialize out of thin air and then used it to make this pile of crap, they used your money to make this pile of crap. Way to support fascism and racism, chump.

Man. And I thought buying a Jeep Patriot would be cool. Then I realized that these guys helped design it. I think I’ll be buying a Tacoma now. Thanks a lot, guys.

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