Many times in the history of this website, I have mentioned that certain touches are not “bad” touches like those given by Michael Jackson. This is to ensure you, O weary Google stumbler, that what I am discussing is not “bad”, and will not make you want to kill yourself. I thought that I would be able to keep away from the type of subjects that Rotten.com routinely discusses. This was before I discovered Paul Sharits.
As you probably know if you have looked through my archives, I generally regard the website Something Awful in the same basic way as I regard pond scum and some species of dog, particularly those poodles whose owners insist on cutting their hair into those little poofy balls around their joints; that is, I tolerate its existence, but it would not trouble me in the least if it were to get run over by a semi truck. This is because Something Awful routinely makes things that scare me, such as the following video:
Now, you probably looked at that video and thought, “Gee, that’s retarded”. That would make you normal. Even I don’t find this particular video to be particularly scary, except that it starts by saying “YOU WILL SEE SUCH PRETTY THINGS”, which is pretty much what the Wicked Witch of the West would probably say to Dorothy just before she kills Toto and makes the Cowardly Lion start “yiffing” the Tin Man.
But the video gets worse, and just as you think, “Oh, that wasn’t so bad, the video says “WE STAND AT THE DOOR” and a disembodied head turns around and makes you want to shit your pants:
…I should probably mention that it had really scary music.
So anyway, I don’t really know why I am so terrified of a man with such high cheekbones, especially considering how he seems so extremely jovial in the picture, but this video made me lose sleep for days. Maybe it’s because he appears to have had his eyeballs removed in the cosmetic surgery to heighten his cheekbones, maybe it’s his unnaturally white teeth, or maybe it’s because they said this was a television hijacking that made people kill themselves, but I was scared of Grandpa Smiley-Face.
Also, this picture:
So, anyway, I don’t like Something Awful because of these videos, not to mention the fact that they want to kill me just because I want to be a wolf and routinely refer to my dog as the “Love Sausage”. Nevermind. I continue to read through their archives, especially their “Pictures that Will Unnerve You” thread, because I don’t like to sleep at a normal hour, and naturally I stumbled upon the work of Paul Sharits.
(Also: Just because I call my dog the “Love Sausage” does not mean that I want to stick my sausage into her, so to speak. It means that she is shaped like a sausage, and I love her very much. You sick-minded pervert assholes.)
For those of you artless swine that would not know a Van Gogh from a Rembrandt, or frankly, a Bryan Konefsky from … some other avant-garde video maker I don’t actually know of, Paul Sharits was a teacher at the Maryland Institute College of Art who pioneered the technique of regularly scaring the shit out of his students by showing them movies with flickering words all over the place. These words, such as “DESTROY”, “MEMBRANE”, and “HORMONE”, were used to associate certain words and images with one another. This groundbreaking technique caused most of his students to become accountants, which is why today we do not have many avant-garde filmmakers.
His most famous piece is entitled “T,O,U,C,H,I,N,G” and is apparently his version of a very emotionally painful breakup. At least, this is what I’m guessing, considering the fact that the movie suggests that Sharits wanted to cut his tongue out.
And then “do it doggy style“, so to speak.
And then engage in something that I can’t really make out, but which I think is best left unT,O,U,C,H,E,D.
My take on Paul Sharits is about the same as my take on Something Awful, in that his work makes me want to hide behind my chair in terror. Whenever the movie starts just screaming “DESTROY DESTROY DESTROY”, it makes me want to prepare for some kind of alien invasion wherein moon people start flushing paper down toilets for no reason and then start opening people up and filming the whole bizarre thing like some kind of intensely disturbing wildlife nature video starring Gargon-5, Human Hunter.
I know I should keep writing more for this article, but after watching some of the videos I just heaped on you, I feel like taking a long, long nap. I don’t think it’s possible to look at anything more bizarre than that last picture, and if there is I don’t want to know about it. The only other thing I want to say is this: Paul Sharits needs to be destroyed. Not only did he take the name of my bestest friend Shari, but he will likely be the cause of several months of sleepless nights for me, not to mention even more problems with my golf game. On the other hand, after watching it several times, I can safely say there is no reason to be angry or afraid of the Wyoming Incident.
After all, why should you hate?
It is only Happy Grandpa.