When I first attacked the LEGO company in “The Worst Lego Series Ever”, I wasn’t expecting the incredible response. The two people that commented, one of whom told me I was absolutely right and the other reminding me that plastic pieces don’t rust, enlightened me to a new world, that of LEGO trolling, and reminded me that, in fact, there are a whole hell of a lot of people that really, truly care about plastic bricks with knobs on them.
I wanted to write another one of these pieces (hurrrr pun), because of just how much meaning I took from those two responses, and because I want more people to come to my site because I am a lonely wolf-person. However, I was barred from doing so because of math tests (which I failed) and Spanish tests (which I probably failed), and because LEGO has not sucked as badly since I wrote my piece. As just one example,Knights’ Kingdom
is gone shit I checked Lego and it’s still there (dammit), which is a good thing because the knights were getting hacked to pieces with their cardboard shields and overall gayness, especially Danju, the purple one.
Nevertheless, LEGO’s portfolio is still not without its horrid, seedy parts, the kind where drug dealers indulge your Spongebob Squarepants habit and the like. Without further ado, the awards of the Luigiian’s 2008 Shittiest Lego Series, in proper order:
1. Bionicle. Still sucks.
2. Pirates of the Caribbean:
This is a new one to my list, because it’s a Mega Bloks product. Just so those of you who play with these things know, everybody hates you. I know the vast majority of people who visit this site don’t think that they care, but trust me, they hate you. Mega Bloks suck. Trying to play with them is like trying to eat at Wendy’s or Burger King: Utterly unsatisfying, tasteless and bland, especially since they copied off of the original they come from like so many Balto fanfiction authors.
In this morass of blandness and unoriginality, Mega Bloks naturally used the most famous pirates of all, the Caribbean pirates from the movie, to try to fight against Lego’s pirates. To use yet another simile, this is like pitting U.S. military soldiers against each other: It’s just fucking wrong. Pirates are supposed to be awesome and work with one another to kill all ninjas and those who like ninjas.
Because of this, the company that makes Mega Bloks should be shut down, and its employees keelhauled and forced to walk the plank. Let’s be honest here, even those of you who think you like Mega Bloks don’t like Mega Bloks, even if you won’t admit it or disagree with me and think I’m mean. It’s just an evil company that’s out to pit pirates against one another and use movie franchises to sell bricks nobody wants.
Bland Bionicle ripoff. Can MegaBloks make anything original? Of course not, because that would require some semblance of originality, and MegaBloks has none. Naturally, in coming up with NeoShifters MegaBloks took the crappiest LEGO series and used its crappy-ass plastic with the most unnatural colors I’ve ever seen to make robots with glowy lazer beams and shit.
Its gimmick: Oh, look at me, I can morph into a ball! Congratulations, you have learned what roly-polys have known for fifteen thousand years, and what Samus has known for at least twenty. Too bad for you that Samus is awesome (and let’s not forget incredibly hot when she’s not wearing her massive power suit), whereas you are colored in baby blue with gold bling and are made of Mega Bloks. Can you kill Metroids, plant landmines while rolled up and still be the sexiest video game character of all time, O powerful and unique NeoShifters? I thought not!
4. Pyrates: Mega Bloks did not feel that it had failed enough simply ripping off Pirates of the Caribbean to shill its crappy toys, so it added to this a second pirate line. Only this one is misspelled, because misspellings can always hide crap. Or not.
This one comes up low on my list. I can’t fault Mega Bloks for trying, and they do have the badass lighthouse with the revolving mirror thing on top. That said, when the only nice thing a reviewer can say about your product is “look at this badass revolving mirror thing I could have bought at the dollar store”, you have failed. Even if you disagree with this, LEGO’s Pirates are still better. For one thing, they don’t have weapons holsters that point their guns right at their crotches, like the pirate above does. Can you say no genitalia?
5. SpiderMan 3:
There is something unseemly about playtime in Spider-Man’s head. Maybe it’s the subtle suggestion that THE ENTIRE SERIES WAS NOTHING BUT A DREAM OR SOME SHIT, or hinting at Spider-man’s brain being removed so children could be entertained by the empty space in his cranial cavity, but seriously, it’s just creepy. Try again, MegaBloks. And yes, I am judging the entire series by this set. So sue me.
According to MegaBloks, “Using a thought-controlled prosthetic arm, Roy–V breaks into the universe’s most secured bunkers undetected. Empathetic to military causes, this no nonsense, pragmatic and authoritative master of explosive technology is quick to trap enemies in his multi-purpose reinforced plasma net.”
Not mentioned: Transformation porn:
Again, MegaBloks, creepy. What is he doing? Is he ripping parts off that monster thing? Is he merging with the monster thing? It boggles the mind. Thankfully, he has a name stupid enough for his mission: Roy-V, a bizarre combination of Roy Rogers and the Saturn V rocket. Canadian Ritvik/Mega Bloks guys, in case you don’t remember, it was The United States that went to the moon, not Canada. Remember? You guys get the freezing cold, we get the badass space rockets. Don’t try to argue, you’ve already failed.
7. Dragons: Like all MegaBloks sets, this one fails (and offends) a specific race, that is, dragons. Dragons are supposed to breathe fire and kill people. Not the other way around. As just one example, the dragon in Shrek did not die, she instead had sex with the donkey. The human died in the movie, because knights are insufferably smug nancy-boys who don’t bathe and look like Leonardo Di Caprio, and if the dragons don’t kill them the pirates do. MegaBloks reverse this fact, proving that they are both liars and racist against dragons.
According to MegaBloks:
In a time of chivalry, heroism, and war, the human Draigar army battles against the monstrous Vorgan army in a race to control precious unrefined dragon plasma that can magically transform weaponry and armor.
You sick fucks, leave the dragons’ plasma alone, it’s theirs. I don’t care if it removes your insufferable smugness and cheese-like stench, dragons are cool and anybody who tries to take that away from them is committing a sin against both God and man.
8. Spider-Man and Friends:
No explanation is necessary.
9. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Chronicles of Narnia is a series that is supposed to teach children about Christianity. Considering this, you’d think Mega Bloks would have a full bevy of toys to both help Jesus and save their immortal souls. You would be wrong. I have here a picture of the Narnia set on MegaBloks’ website. The only one:
10. Dora The Explorer:
All of these LEGO/Mega Blok series suffer from the same damning litany of problems: soulless, bland, banal, boring, and terrible in every measurable way. The PlasmaVerse I mentioned is particularly terrible; calling it LEGOs or Mega Bloks is insulting to the genre, because there’s nothing really there to build. It’s just an action figure with a lightbulb in its belly. In other words, it’s basically a robotic Teletubby, and as terrifying as it sounds, it’s just retarded in practice. Stick the premolded, no-assembly-required arms on, the head on, and you’re done; that’s not Lego, that’s Mr. Potatohead. Legos are cooler than that.
So there you have it. For 2008, our list is done. Tune back in 2009, when I’ll review Legos again if I still care.