A lot of people who come to this site think it’s easy to be funny, week after week, even when your mother has a huge rash on her leg and you are afraid that you are not going to get your Legos on time. It’s not, people. It’s a skilled craft in which, for no money, you are required to sit down and watch people be stupid, and then make fun of them. You cannot, for example, simply get humor from a pickup truck.
I learned this by accident. My girlfriend, here meaning “friend that is a girl” because my friend that is a girl told me that is what she is, asked me what great laughter-inducing pablum I was going to write this week, and I said I was going to write about the Toyota A-BAT, which is a truck so ugly that its looks could be improved by falling down the ugly tree a couple more times. In fact, this truck is so ugly that, as it was falling down the ugly tree, it fell right through the Earth into the tree’s ugly branches, then broke through those branches and plummeted straight into Ugly Hell, where Ugly Satan poked at it for several thousand years with his Ugly Pitchfork. Then, when he was done, he ate it, shat it out, and as it fell to the floor of Ugly Hell it crashed right through to another ugly tree in Japan (it happened to be a bonsai tree, by the way) which is where two Toyota designers, Ian Cartabiano and Matt Sperling, found it. They then went back to California, where they hosed it off and presented it as a pickup truck.
Now, this to me is funny as hell. I think that, if any man, woman or child actually saw this vehicle parked outside their house, they would burst out laughing, and would not stop laughing until several minutes later. Then, they would set the truck on fire, laughing and dancing and circling around its burning embers, until every last bit of it was gone.
Or, at least, this is what I thought, but naturally I was wrong. As it turns out, there are people out there that love the Toyota A-BAT. I am terrified of these people. I think that they are demons.
But so anyway, my girlfriend/friend that is a girl has told me I write too much about pickup trucks, so I’ve been wracking my brains trying to figure out what the hell I am going to write about instead. I mean, it isn’t just like I can make fun of people farting on Saint Patrick’s Day because of all the corned beef and cabbage they ate. I have to come up with something funny now. This is made all the more difficult by my Lego schedule and my mother’s leg rash.
It is made even more difficult by the ceiling fan in my room. Day after day, I watch this ceiling fan like a hawk with Down’s Syndrome, because I am afraid of it. It spins and rocks back and forth on this pivot, and I am convinced that one of these days it is going to fall right down from the roof and kill somebody. Fans love to do this. They seek out unsuspecting victims who they can murder.
Speaking of fans, I have also found yet another fan that hides in ceilings to kill people. Her name is Annath, and she is a rabid fan of the comic TwoKinds, the premiere lulz-inducing furry comic of our day. She has stalked me out, writing me long-winded comments about how TwoKinds is not a furry comic (it is) or how I haven’t actually read the comic (I have, at least all the parts where the tiger girl and the wolf girl get naked and “yiff” each other while their boyfriends videotape the sexiness of the situation). It is clear to me that me and Annath simply have different views.
My view: YIFF YIFF YIFF SEX SEX SEX NAKED NAKED NAKED PLEASE POST NAKED PICTURES OF FLORA AND NATANI ON FCHAN PLZ K THX MISTER FISCHBACH!!!1
Annath’s view: Oh, look at this cute little webcomic, with the little tigers and woofy-woofies and such! Oh, I very much like this webcomic and I HEY YOU PERVERT STOP ASKING FOR NAKED PICTURES OF ANIMAL CHARACTERS!!!1
So, to me the answer is simple; namely, Tom Fischbach should send me naked pictures of his animal characters and not tell Annath about it. Unfortunately, in this liberal-minded day and age it is simply not possible for a person such as myself to obtain animal-related cartoon pornography, even if these animals are cute and sexy like Natani and Flora and appear to have incredibly soft and luscious fur. Also, they are slaves.
Note: Annath says specifically that they are not slaves.
So until next week, remember: I will keep on posting stupid shit about furries and deadly ceiling fans and leg rashes until I come up with something funny. Until then, you can be rest assured that I will continue to ruin my own website until it is so horrifically unfunny that it is as unreadable as a Livejournal. Until then, good night and good luck.
And watch out for ceiling fans. Especially Annath.